Living in a D/s Relationship…Full Time

Within a D/s relationship there are many dynamics. Couples often find themselves in a quandary bridging the vanilla lifestyle with what some feel to be a very powerful alternative method. We’ve talked about various aspects of co-mingling various parameters such as co-workers, family and friends who might not realize the lifestyle you’ve chosen. Many couples keep this sometimes very private side away from the public eye for various reasons. The few people I’ve taken the time to truly talk about D/s who share a vanilla life with their partner, do indeed kind of look at me a bit funny. While it’s been tough to wrap a neat package with bigstock-Sexy-And-Erotic-Woman-Relaxed--42766252words around the various aspects, there are so many emotions etc. that are the mainstay. Those I instill when I can. What do they include?

Trusting each other completely and being very open in all manners of conversation is vital. Having patience and understanding in yourself and your partner is very important as you grow together. Accepting your needs as well as your place within the power exchange I would consider a crucial first step. Then there’s love, honesty, being open minded, acceptance, forgiveness and passion. Sounds a lot like what would solidify an amazing vanilla relationship. Right? Sadly, few marriages are quite as open in all ways as one shared within a D/s lifestyle.

As many of you’ve read, John Patrick and I can’t be together 24/7 right now. That may change. Will that alter the dynamics once again? You bet. I’m often asked by readers how I think our life would change if we were living together. There’s no easy answer. There’s also no way of knowing exactly how we’ll incorporate all our wants, desires and needs, meshing them together. The old adage is very true. You don’t know how someone is completely unless you’ve lived with them.

I’ve had John Patrick tell me that he is a bit of a bear to live with. What I find funny is that he’s a lot like me in that he likes certain things a particular way. He’s not a clean freak by any slice of the word, but…BUT he is very organized and is a planner. When we cook dinner together he does exactly what I do – clean as you go along. Don’t laugh. You’d be surprised how many people make a mess of the entire kitchen (ten pans dirty and fourteen bottles open) and leave the kitchen a complete disaster through dinner. UGH and no way. Put shit away. Clean shit up. Those are two of his mottos. I like them!

He’s particular yes, but so am I. I don’t have the responsibility of cleaning his house at this point, but when I’m cooking or sharing time with him in his valuable space, you bet I clean.

So we’ve talked about the importance of roles within a D/s relationship. Keep in mind, there’s no two alike just as within a vanilla relationship there isn’t. He and I don’t have certain set duties at this time because he can’t establish them and really expect I can adhere and obey. There are a few things that we decided together would help bridge the gap as well as the distance. Yes, I address him as Sir. I do light his cigarettes. I wear my lovely day collar (even though I haven’t been officially collared) when I can. If we have a discussion – no matter texting, phone or in person – and he needs to pull back and think or before the situation gets heated, he simply says STOP and I obey. There are a few more private gestures we use, but even those aren’t applicable in every situation.

In the beginning, I very much needed a bridge from vanilla girl to submissive. Belonging to himTouching my collar is calming, makes me feel very connected to him in a much more powerful way than you can imagine. Lighting his cigarette is a simple gesture that gives him respect both in public and private. I honestly believe such rules or tokens need to occur within every D/s relationship. He has various rules with regards to disciplining me, but even those are often few and far between. Why? You guessed it. Time. Our time is so very precious to each other right now that every moment we share together we try and fill with EVERYTHING.

You’d be shocked what we can fill into an evening or a couple of days. Pretty much all of our interests are the same. From wineries to music, sharing time on the deck to my writing, talking and cooking, our passions are endless. So what will happen when we live together or at least have endless time? Hmm… We’ve talked about this in some detail. I think the majority of submissives long for to share their utter devotion. What does that mean to you or to a Dom? You know what I’m going to say… For me, putting John Patrick first in my life is of upmost importance. That doesn’t mean I will cease having responsibilities outside of our relationship. Of course I will and he certainly understands this. He’s always told me when I have to do things with my job etc. he’s there to support me. He’s also known from day one that my writing is akin to my soul. Not only has he encouraged me in countless ways, he’s also helped by adding his voice both here and to several books. Sharing our joy with you has brought us closer together. Kind of amazing in truth.

However, I know and have told him I want nothing more than to serve him in various ways for the rest of my life. I want to shower him with joys, make him first in my life, and to share every aspect of this journey we’re threading through. I’m not a slave and certainly don’t have that mentality, but my devotion to pleasing him is very strong. Examples? For me, making certain he’s aware how much I adore him in little ways like texting and notes, buying his favorite candy and wine, really makes me swoon. That would only increase if we lived together. I can imagine how living together would heighten the need as well as the desire within me. Plus my creative side would kick into high gear.

We’ve talked about certain responsibilities I would have with regards to the house, but you’ve already figured out I can’t stand clutter anyway. D/s couples often have rituals regarding when the Dom comes home. A drink might be poured, an implement of discipline when required setting on the table. The submissive might be kneeling and in a particular state of dress or undress, depending on his mood. John Patrick has toyed with the subject, but if he’s not certain how he’d feel. I often would be coming home much later, given my night meetings, so certain scenarios just wouldn’t work.

Then there are sexual needs… You’ve probably read or currently practice a certain level of sexual discipline within your relationship. For John Patrick and I, if he’s hungry and in the mood for sex or kink of any nature, I’m not allowed to say no. Then again, I wouldn’t say no. My hungers personally, let alone the ones needing to please him, are off the chain. Yes, this is another reason our intimacy is so electric. So how would any of this change with our living together? The same answer. Time. There will be so much more time to explore the things we love. Our vanilla life would soar being able to explore locations, wineries, places of nature and music venues. We could create fabulous menus, since we both love to cook. We will be able to sleep in late, snuggle like teenagers and take a shower together every morning. Yes, we do that when we can.

Sliding into my submissive mode, I’ll be able to wake him every morning with coffee and juice, give him a long backrub and a blow job (doesn’t every guy enjoy one in the morning? Come on..) I can make him lunch for work as well as share breakfast. Then I can clean the house after he leaves so when he comes home everything is just so… Sounds a bit too much? Not for us. The other side of the dark coin is about being able to fully embrace our kinky side. We want to share our passion with a third and that’s much easier when you can explore together. Learning about another, how they’d fit with us, sharing even a conversation over dinner takes time as well as effort.

Going to munches or kink clubs, where we can be ourselves in front of people, will Ropebe utterly amazing. Whether we participate or merely observe, the experiences will only aid in our growing journey. Right now, time is too precious to devote to anything but ourselves. Even establishing a playroom is something we both desire. Of course we’ll close the fabulously adorned room off so that vanilla friends and family won’t think we’re any weirder than we already are. I say that slightly tongue in cheek.

The other aspect is that we’ll both be able to share our joys in various ways with selective family and friends. John Patrick is going to tell a few of his buddies about some of his D/s desires and that’s a step for both of us. He isn’t unlike anyone else who longs for support from people he cares about if nothing else. We’ll see how that goes. Will living together be perfect? Of course not. We’re not perfect people. We are a man and woman after all, but arguments certainly won’t happen and when rules infractions do, they’ll quickly be taken care of. Once I’m disciplined that’s it. There is no harboring or pulling the little red wagon. Obedience is a very interesting aspect to any relationship and for us, his need for control and my need to give it away fits perfectly. I trust in him implicitly to make decisions for us, the household and for the woman as well. Sounds lofty and there will be hiccups along the way, but I for one simply can’t wait to explore and embrace.

I hope you’ve enjoyed.

Kisses and spanks…

Cassandre

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Interview With a Dom and His Willing Submissive…

As my readers know, John Patrick and I have been exploring what we consider to be an incredible D/s journey. We’re relatively new to the lifestyle and find the way we’re learning together and growing is something amazing, unexpected for both of us. While we both wanted this very intimate and extremely close relationship, we certainly didn’t anticipate finding such a close connection, one the bridges a passionate vanilla laced love with the D/s. I know my readers love hearing his voice and I’m going to continue encouraging him to participate, providing a Dom’s POV. We aren’t perfect. We don’t follow any A single touchrulebook. We certainly don’t know everything there is to know about each other or the lifestyle. BUT… Our journey is something that leaves me breathless.

I thought doing a basic interview with both of us – answering the same question might give you an interesting perspective. This is the first of a couple and please don’t hesitate to ask either one of us questions. We’re both happy to talk about our experience. Oh and to answer a burning questions, YES he is the ‘sinspiration’, as I call all delicious treats, behind many of my characters in my D/s and DD books. You get to see a little bit of him everywhere…

Question: While you don’t live together right now, your journey grows every day as well as the struggle to keep the D/s maintained if not increasing. How do you think the power dynamic has changed – especially with the long distance? 

JP: The power dynamic has certainly grown but with our situation having very limited time together, I believe it naturally has grown more slowly than with a couple that is together 24/7 or even on a near daily basis. It has probably also had more “plateau’s” in the process just through not being able to directly interact. Continuity is an important aspect of any relationship but even more so in the D/s realm. Maintaining the D/s dynamic takes constant effort and not actually being together makes it difficult.

CD:  I know for myself I find my mind has altered. No longer do I have to think about the fact I am serving JP. I feel that in my heart and soul. however the long distance does provide challenges including the fact I tend to move back to the vanilla girl at times without even realizing. JP is very good about giving me space when something is going on in my life but I want him to center me as needed – perhaps more often. While we talk every day, I’m not certain I give him the respect he deserves.

Question: By not being able to spend much actual time together, the pitfalls are obvious. But do you think there are any advantages to not being able to spend unlimited time much time together? 

JP: While I certainly long and desire to spend unlimited time with Cass, I think not being able too has made us much more open and creative in our communication. We have communicated daily for the last 10 months on any and all subjects, whether by text, email or phone calls and I believe this has made us A moment of being hismuch more open because we are generally always available to each other.

CD: This is a tough question for me in truth. While I do think we’ve had to be much more creative in our interactions, which has led to being so very open, I also find myself wanting more and more. The one aspect for any long distance type of relationship is the fact you do give each other the best you have. Meaning, we work to make our moments very special, even if we do very normal things such as cooking, shopping, even laundry. There is an element of longing that stays and we’ve been able to make every moment special. Still, I want to give JP more of me, serve him more. So there is angst here.

Question: Discipline is a part of many D/s relationships, especially in order to keep the power exchange. What do you find most effective and why?  

JP: As a Dominant, my belief is that every aspect of the relationship should be as black and white as possible with limited gray areas. Along with this is a system of awards and punishment for good and bad behavior. The severity of punishment should fit the offense, from an over the knee bare ass spanking to a “hold your position” session with the Quirt. I truly believe that when both sides know what is expected and what bad behavior may bring, there is a maintainable and fair balance within the relationship.

CD:   This is very thought provoking. One might think as often as I write about spanking that would do it for me. In truth, it’s the way JP reminds me in his calm voice that I’ve been shirking my duties. I hate to disappoint him. This emotion really does exist within sub missives. It’s odd because I’ve never felt this long term before. Don’t get me wrong, the spankings center me, refocus and its tough to explain to those who don’t have this in their vanilla life. I feel very close to him when he spanks me.

Question: Within the power exchange dynamic, what do you think the responsibilities are for each side? 

JP: Once the concept of a power exchange is established within the relationship, I believe the greatness responsibilities for both sides are to establish total communication and to trust each other that they will each work to fulfill their respective roles to their best ability, knowing neither is perfect and there will be issues along the way. For the Dom, he/she must realize that the power they hold is something that needs to be used in a measured, intelligent and thoughtful manner, always holding the care and wellbeing of their sub as their utmost priority. The sub should trust, submit fully and always give their best effort for her/his Dom.

CD: The dynamic is a very special one. I’ve always mentioned trust, but trust isn’t something that starts out right away. Trust is built through honestly, openness and respect for each other. For the Dom, he has to understand he (or she) have to step back from some situations and observe his submissive, learn about all aspects of A lot more thanher moods and nuances, fears and trepidations before he can adequately begin to train and guide her. Patience is also a must! For the submissive, she has to embrace her own foibles, being able to forgive herself often – especially in the beginning. For her Dom, respect is vital. Once the trust is in place, she has to honor that trust by allowing him to make decisions, guide her in ways she might be uncomfortable with. That can be difficult for both.

Question: Let’s talk spankings – when you receive/give one – how do you feel? 

JP: Whether it’s a simple spanking or a full on whipping, the feeling is different depending if it’s for discipline or play. With discipline, I tend to feel it is a learning moment and it is more structured to make a point. With play, it is more free and unstructured allowing us to move us together into a different space. With both types, it is arousing to a certain level but much more so within playtime. Afterwards, I experience almost a high, knowing I took my submissive somewhere towards the edge and together we experienced something powerful.

CD: Loved, honored, respected. I feel trust and such an amazing peace. There is calmness about me I’ve never experienced before. Tough to explain except for I’ve never felt so fulfilled, refocused.

I hope you’ve enjoyed the first little interview taste. We’ll keep them coming. By the way, there continues to be misnomers about whether the lifestyle, including aspects of pain, is forced. John Patrick and I will tackle this next.

Kisses and spanks…

Cassandre

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So You Long to Become a Submissive… WTF?

Did the title catch your attention? Imagine how difficult telling your husband or wife that you really would like to become a submissive, that you’ve had the tendencies for years. Both men and women crave being the submissive in the relationship, longing to have a firm hand, a hard spanking now and again. Stop and think about your significant other. Could you have the guts to tell him or her? How would you slip the thought into the conversation? Would you pull him or her aside, perhaps pour a glass or bottle of wine (garnering courage of course) then let the words fly? Would you leave a little sexy BDSM book on the coffee table with A simple ribbonpages marked? Or would you leave your computer on and make sure you’ve left a blog or two just in case it’s noticed?

I’m like many souls who figured out I’d do a hell of a lot better in a relationship being taken in hand, obeying a head of household. John Patrick is a very positive and nurturing figure in my life, allowing this side of me to grow exponentially. He’s controlling and firm yet gentle in his patience and understanding. The beauty of what we share is that we’re pretty much creating our own journey together. He wasn’t a practiced Dom and I didn’t have five Masters prior to submitting to him. Yes, we make mistakes along the way but the joy in sharing and learning as we grow is amazing. There’s another side to this equation however, those who have been married or together for years, even decades. Imagine the daunting concept.

I’ve heard from many a reader lately that their spouse finally opened up, exposing the submissive person inside. Suddenly they have no clue any longer about their relationship, what to expect or if they can even survive this rather profound admittance. I have to admit, John Patrick and I have talked about the fact we got together after our personal admittance and this is probably one reason he and I are so happy. I’m not certain how or if we would have survived had we been married. I just don’t know. What I do feel is amazement at the couples that move from vanilla to D/s, DD or M/s with their love intact. Yes, switching can be done with great success, but there does seem to be a significant amount of angst.

Both John Patrick and I have been talking to people seeking advice about this very subject. How do you tell your beloved you need a significant change or how do you nurture the journey that’s started? First of all keep in mind every journey is very personal. There are no two alike and no rulebooks telling anyone how to do this. As John Patrick and I talked about today, sometimes it seems couples hungering for this lifestyle think there is a schematic telling you how to follow point A all the way to point Z. Wrong. Reading what others have gone through, learning about aspect is fabulous and I encourage, but you have to decide on the steps you’re going to take – TOGETHER.

However… For both of you this is also a very personal transition. You absolutely have to look deep inside to your very core and ask questions. Why are you doing this? Can you handle the transition? Can your relationship survive the power exchange? Do you know what you’re getting into? Are you ready for time invested and patience? Are you doing this for you as well as your partner? Hmmm… These are just a few of the initial questions you simply have to ask. If this is all about your partner, the switch will fail. If this is all about you, the switch will fail. If you think it’s easy and will happen readily, this will fail. If you believe you don’t need to learn and grasp an understanding, this will fail. Get the concept?

I will take youSharing a D/s lifestyle is utterly amazing, breathtaking. Switching from what you’re used to, the habits you’ve put into place – bad and good – will be one of the most difficult things you’ll ever consider. Why? Just think about the basic concept of changing the equal status within your dynamic and even the miniscule details surrounding the shift. We’ve all pretty much been programmed that there has to be equality in a relationship. That’s certainly what America has been about for the last fifty years. The words ‘honor and obey’ were stricken from marriage vows and so every couple moved forward into a relationship where both parties carried the same weight. Right? Wrong. We all know better. There’s a push-pull going all the time.

Marriages are often difficult at best. We argue and frustrate in trying to relate to each other, let alone no one take any responsibility for things going awry in the relationship. We coast. We stay complacent. We look the other way. We act like we don’t care. Oh but we do. We long for those moments when we had some level of control in regard to what we were trying to achieve. Takes guts to realize, accept and move on doesn’t it?

A perfect reason to consider a D/s relationship. You’ve tried everything else in your life, including talking, screaming, ignoring, perhaps talking with a professional, even a trial separation and nothing works. Nothing brings you closer to your personal center. The concept is very difficult. What can you do? Where do you begin? Will you be ridiculed for the thought alone?

For those lucky few that realize they need something else entirely, embracing the inner submissive or dominant is daunting. There’s no doubt about it. You have to really take time to look deep inside, consider what you know you have to have then finally let go of all of your inhibitions. The very first thing you have to do is face your inner ghost or demon. Once you do you’ll never be able to live your life the same way again. Don’t fret. This exacting moment is filled with joy and the most incredible peace you’ll ever know. Then your journey can begin.

There is no magical moment when you finally embrace who you’ve always wanted to be, probably no real catalyst screaming into your inner ear. The feeling, the understanding is incredible. Now you have no freaking clue what to do with your revelation. My advice – again no expert here – is take time for you first. The old fashioned soul searching does indeed work IF you’re truthful with yourself.

Read, study, read more and talk to people. When you have a better understanding of what you think you want then you need to talk to your partner. There isn’t a perfect way. Get over the concept. There is no advance understanding of how they’ll react either. You simply have to say in no uncertain terms what you’ve discovered and determined about you and your needs. Speak from the heart that you need to shift the power exchange. Tell him or her you long to submit. Then allow the information to sink in and allow them space. You have to try and think about where you’re placing your relationship – perhaps in a precarious position. He or she has to come to terms with your emotions and his own.

Imagine your husband, the one who really held no authority within your household. No doubt he’s going to think you’re telling him he’s not good enough. Natural reaction. What you have to do is be very frank and open. Time. You both need time. I was trying to remember the moment I knew. I had no one to tell at that point, no friend I could feel comfortable enough sharing my amazing proclamation. So I kept it secret for almost two years. Then I began to need in a way I couldn’t explain and I began exploring the lifestyle through websites and social media, garnering friends and men who were certain they could fulfill my needs. Did I cross the line and explore, perhaps against my better judgment? Yes. Did I learn about myself in the process? You bet. Then I pulled back, concerned I Good girlwas clueless.

When John Patrick came into my life I’d stopped looking for some level of peace or salvation. I ceased to think about my needs to find the right Dominant. I was just living life. Almost immediately I felt a connection that allowed me to release my ghosts and I’m grateful. For those already involved, the awe inspiring moment won’t happen the same way, but that doesn’t mean it can’t happen. Open your eyes and your soul first. Now that’s you done that and you’ve admitted your needs, what next? Time. Talks Patience. Worry. Talks. Fear. Understanding. Talks. Setbacks. Changes. Talks. You see the underlying single word? You have to talk a hell of a lot.

If you’re considering this very concept, take some time and really think this through. Then through the plan out the window. The ride will be riddled with angst, but I for one can say every moment is amazing.

Kisses and spanks…

Cassandre

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Respect in a Dominant/submissive Lifestyle

Admiration, Esteem, Revere – these are words often used in place of respect. They are powerful words, those that can evoke deep emotions. There are various forms of respect that you give, learn, care about or share. Within D/s, respect is vital – at least in my humble opinion. Why? Because if I didn’t respect John Patrick the way I do, my natural personality would exude through my pores more often. Do I revert still to the vanilla girl, the one with brass balls? Of course I do and I’m reined back in. I try and show respect in allConfidence the D/s books and I write and I think readers enjoy this as well as the fact we’re all just people sharing an amazing experience.

What do you think of when you hear the word respect? Do you think of the way you feel about your parents this way given the simple fact they raised you? Were you raised to say ‘sir’ and ma‘am’ to all elders, teachers, other professionals? Do you respect your partner in all ways, including being honest and decent, loving and trustworthy? Do you respect yourself in ways of mental and physical health and needs? These are often fairly heady questions for some people. I wasn’t raised to say ‘yes sir or no ma‘am’. I just wasn’t. At the time, there was no freaking way I’d offer any level of respecting terms to or about my father no matter what anyone told me to do. I have various reasons why and my trepidation is valid. That being said, my nature was never to see anyone as anything but equal and that all levels of respect should be earned. Those people can few and far between. What do you think, should respect be given automatically or earned?

In a D/s relationship, respect usually comes with trust. As a submissive, when you’re able to trust your Dom in every aspect from opening up to him, allowing him into your inner very dark Pandora’s Box, and with your body and your heart, then respect seems to come hand in hand. This begins with communication and being completely open with each other. I’ve said it time and time again, you have to pull away the mask or peel the onion to find the hidden person inside. You have to let go of your fears and trepidations, allowing your Dom to know the girl inside, the one that’s been craving control. This is a little bit easier said than done. For me giving respect, showing signs of respect and obeying (a heightened sign) doesn’t come as naturally as you might think given I’ve stated clearly I’m a submissive. There are nuances just like every journey is different.

John Patrick has been very good about peeling away my layers. I’m a complicated woman in many ways. Before I began my journey into a D/s lifestyle, I had zero tolerance for anyone of authority. I’ve been the girl to stand out in front of a cop car with my hand out. Yep, that was me. I can make faces like nobody’s business and a person a hundred yards away knows what I’m thinking – and usually not anything I could spew in mixed company. Trust me, I will rage against the machine so to speak. When John Patrick came into my life I really wasn’t certain about the whole ‘Sir’ concept. Saying the word seemed a bit too…confining. As he and I talked, I learned more about him and his desires as he did mine, and just through time, I began to respect the man – not the Dom initially. Don’t get me wrong. We both knew almost immediately that our respective roles as Dom/sub were exactly where we wanted to take our life together. However, bridging the gap between the vanilla world and D/s didn’t come overnight. As the respect for the man morphed into respect for the Dom, my need to show him devotion in all manners grew exponentially.

Body BetraysSaying Sir was a defining moment that broke the vanilla mold. What I realized is that I’d completed the cycle of learning to respect myself, thereby allowing me to embrace giving up control. In other words my respect for John Patrick was the final key to unlock the very submissive side. What you have to realize is that for all the wretched stories you think you’ve heard about a D/s relationship including forced control, pain, punishment etc. (and there are relationships that rely on forced domination) the truth is that respect should be earned as well as given and shown on both sides. This isn’t a one way street, no matter what you think. The relationships that tend to last are the ones where the Dom cares deeply about what his submissive thinks, cares about her well-being and honors her gift of submission and obedience. I give my submission, trust, love and respect to John Patrick without reservation because he is an amazing man, let alone a caring Dom. Respect yourself first. when you’re looking for a Dom or opening up to one.

When he and I are together, there is an implied level of respect as well. While I’m certainly allowed to speak my mind with him and do, when he says the single word ‘stop’, I do immediately. He doesn’t do this often, to date I think only three times, however when a conversation is going down a bad path, one that might lead vanilla couples to disagreements or full blown arguments, this is his direct mechanism for both of us to take a step back. As he’s told me before, never will a conversation simply stop forever. He will address again at a time when we’re either able to speak face to face or have cooler heads. Trust me, this has proven to be extremely successful for both of us.

Respect is also about how you handle yourself within the circles of the lifestyle. Whether you’re in a club or in a group of like minded people, there are very clear lines. No trained Dom would just assume a submissive would ever ‘play’ with him. He has to be allowed, offered by the Dom. The submissive also learns to respect other Dom’s. I asked John Patrick his thoughts on how I should address other Dom’s. As he told me clearly, I’d never call another man Master period. But I would show him the respect and call him Sir.

John Patrick and I have had many a conversation about Dom’s that are in the lifestyle and the way in which they react to me. He has some very clear thoughts about how Dom’s should be with regard to submissives in general. For example, I have a lot of Dom’s on FetLife who have enjoyed talking with me over the last couple of years. They were my ‘friends’ long before I met John Patrick and he has no issue with me continuing a basic friendship. However, he did have me place on my page a request and any friend requests from men go through him. Out of respect of course I honor this rule. Simple enough. I can’t tell you how many men totally ignore all the words written on my profile about this and send me a fairly explicit email about exactly what they’d like to do with me. Those on FetLife can be fairly vividly blatant. His thoughts? These men are being completely disrespectful to the lifestyle, and to both he and I. I would have to agree.

Granted, that request was made months ago and recently he mentioned he no longer feels the need to have the rule in place. Not only does he realize I can handle myself, I think the request has become rather moot for him. He certainly realizes I’m not going anywhere. While I appreciate of course his level of trust in me, out of respect I think I’ll keep the rule in place. What I did realize after so many men blatantly ignored the request is that they don’t red ropeunderstand the concept of respect within the lifestyle itself. The social media site isn’t any different than Facebook, Ashley Madison or Match.com in that a good number of men (women too) are looking for a hook up and nothing more.

That’s fairly normal behavior. Right? Well, as far as D/s couples, this isn’t cool at all. I’ve learned so many valuable things from John Patrick and what we’re sharing. Respect is a huge part of what and how we share our life, something that only continues to grow. My final thought. If you don’t respect yourself first and foremost, you won’t be able to give of yourself to your Dom. Just something to think about.

Kisses and spanks…

Cassandre

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A Dom’s POV…Talking With Other Dom’s

I had a long chat with John Patrick today and as you’ve heard me say many times, he and I can talk about anything. We hold nothing back. Well, that’s true until recently. We were having a very pointed conversation about my writing. I value his advice tremendously and I’m at a crossroads with what I’m doing and where I’m going with writing and books that don’t seem to be selling as well as I think they should. This is another blog entirely, but what he said to me was surprising. He said for the very first time I was holding back, as if my writing was an area that had boundaries. Me being the good submissive I am (evil grin) I reminded him that as a submissive, holding back or pushing him away from any topic wasn’t allowed.

Being the profound man, and one that truly has such tremendous wisdom, he said very honestly something vital I think to all D/s relationships. He stated that havingA true Master the power of control over another doesn’t mean using that power indiscriminately and being all powerful at all times. The key is knowing when and how to use that power in whatever measured way the situation dictates. The gift is something he takes and uses with responsibility and thought. Meaning, he realizes writing is a HUGE and very deep passion and he’s going to figure out when to nurture and when to kick me in the ass – but with intelligence, love and respect. There couldn’t be anything better said to me. I want nothing more than to open up about what I didn’t realize initially was an aspect of my life I held close to my breast.

We were talking about his voice in my blogs and the certain questions I’m asked by readers from time to time. John Patrick is a very formidable man in many ways, but he’s not the kind to seek notoriety or have to be the center of attention. He’s a quiet and thoughtful man who enters a room and observes before making any comments. However, he certainly enjoys the fact my readers want to hear from him. In our conversation today, we captured on the fact few Dom’s are represented in very many blogs – whether their own or a part of a submissive’s blog. They simply aren’t heard from. That’s why I receive so many comments from readers who absolutely love hearing his actual words, not ones I place parameters around.

I’ve had questions from women who either were just beginning their journey as a submissive or early in their new lifestyle regarding their Dom’s. Often they wonder what advice I could give their Dom or vanilla husbands about what to read or how to consider the lifestyle. I’ve said many times that communication is the key – and the very first aspect of getting into any alternative life. You have to talk. Men have a tough time doing just this. They have such trouble talking about their feelings. Am I right ladies?

Men seem to hold their thoughts, emotions and feelings in and while they’ll tell you they really don’t think like we do, they certainly feel sadness, angst or terror the same way. They simply don’t feel like they can express their needs/emotions or are worried they’ll be ridiculed. And yes – ladies we do that to our guys. We also want them to be the strong, he-man types and for some ridiculous reason, society also places men on this upper realm as well. They are supposed to be solid, never shed a tear, fight fires and kill masked men with a single blow. Right? Okay hogwash and bullshit – well at least all of the time (another evil snicker). Men are just as touchy feely as we are, yet they place their own boundaries around their manhood. They hunger to talk and share, worry how or where to and if they can trust.

John Patrick is a complex man in some ways, very simple in others. He’ll tell you he’s very simple in his needs and desires. Yes, a wonderful conversation, heavy metal music, a glass or five of wine and making a spicy dinner together and he’s happy as can be. BUT… for all his vanilla side – the one that’s all about kisses and Needing Your Touchpassion, wineries and intense conversation, the man has a darker side, one with needs bordering on what some would call heinous, dangerous. He certainly can’t talk to his buddies about taking me down to the basement and whipping me.

Imagine a Sunday afternoon drinking beer and smoking cigars. Perhaps he’d just casually bring up the topic of purchasing a new flogger along with some marine grade rope over the weekend. Then he’d slip in the fact he was going to punish his submissive severely for breaching an infraction. Well… You might think the guys would grunt, lift their beer in glowing admiration and bellow to obtain their own submissive. Eh – doesn’t work like that in the realm of guys, period, let alone talking about heady kink. Really, men don’t bring sex and escapades up on a normal basis. Women are far more open and brag a hell of a lot. Whether a lie or the truth, women do talk more.

But…communication, remember? Yes, every Dom and submissive absolutely has to talk and a hell of a lot, but there are so many things that a Dom can learn or enjoy hearing about or just long to share by talking to other men. Whether you’re a practiced Dom who’s been in the lifestyle for decades or one merely starting the journey, there’s much to be gained by just talking. But guys won’t allow their guard down very often. For some reason – just my opinion based on talking and listening – men think they’re supposed to know all this stuff about being a good Dom. They honestly have the thought that the concept of control and respect, trust and training should come easy for them. Really? What textbook did you pick this out of?

Granted, I’ve told you a few times men are bred to be hunters and gatherers, but nowhere in the resume of a solid he-man type is there the passage ‘knows all things about being a Dom’. Nope.

Men need to be able to share their thoughts – without reservation of the worries of having to be something they are unsure of. Talking to other men, other Dom’s is a vital way of men being able to share the amazing journey without certain worries. Why don’t they reach out more often? Again, worry about what others will think as well as not knowing where to start, what questions to ask. I know with John Patrick, he longs to talk with another Dom’s and I encourage him to do so. What I think is almost sad is that finding a ‘friend’ to talk to in this manner has proven to be difficult. But just like any other aspect of life that we enjoy, desire to learn more about or strive to excel in, our alternative lifestyle should be no different. Like talking sports or car’s or whatever, having friends and acquaintances to talk with makes it a much more enriching and enjoyable experience. With men not opening up easily and the fact there are a hell of a lot of flakes out there in the lifestyle, men try and if they fail once – making those wrong choices – they tend to yank back every emotion, their trust factor even in themselves waning.

I know with what John Patrick has told me, the discussions we’ve had, he’d get so much out of sharing discussions with other Dom’s. He’s a one on one kind of guy so this isn’t about sitting around a poker game, bourbon and cigars in hand, and commiserating about the latest escapades with
their slave or submissive. Talking is about sharing ideas, concerns, asking questions, wondering about kink events or whether a particular website has I am dominantanything to offer. In other words just being friends – with a twist to the normal vanilla relationship.

There are so many positive aspects to this, few negatives – except men open themselves up to someone they perhaps don’t know much about. This happens every day when we meet new people doesn’t it? What’s the difference? Baring your soul. My advice for every man either thinking about or entering into a D/s, M/s or DD relationship to reach out to others. Read everything out there, join social media sites such as Fetlife and try and talk to others. No one knows everything about D/s and there are no rulebooks. Talking is nothing more than sharing. Ladies, submissives, girlfriends and wives – don’t you want your man to communicate, talk to you about anything, share feelings and emotions like they never have been able to before? I know the answer… Then allow them to. Encourage not only the time but also the concept.

John Patrick would love to talk and share with either Dom’s or submissives so let me know if you’d like to. Happy to share his email.

Kisses and spanks…

Cassandre

 

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A Submissive Revealed

I’m often asked how I knew I was submissive and when did I admit and to whom. I had a wonderful reader ask me a great question as well. He mentioned his wife had recently revealed she desires to become a submissive and at this point has been only able to act on the admittance in the bedroom. Once play is over, she goes back to her more assertive state. I think this happens quite often, especially in the beginning stages. Even I revert to the very assertive girl with my family and friends. Only with John Patrick am I truly submissive, giving him full control. The reader asked for my advice and in truth, this is a very personal Jessie Pensiveexperience for both the Dom and the submissive. There are no easy answers except in my opinion – keep in mind I’m no expert – for two that are fairly simple in saying. You have to have very open and extremely honest communication and you have to realize this is a journey, not a sprint. Meaning this is just the beginning and a lot of time will transpire.

Being very open and communicating often is truly the key in becoming closer as a couple. This, of course, is good advice for any kind of relationship but in D/s, you have to be sometimes painfully open. You have to leave all your inhibitions about yourself in the past and begin again. For me, this admittance came over a series of months. I didn’t say anything to anyone. I had all those worries and fears that you can imagine as well as the basic questions. Am I weird? Is there something wrong with me? How will my friends and family react? I’m not suggesting that everyone around me knows about this side of me today. In truth, those at my work already freak out a little bit I write erotic books. Add this to the mix and I honestly think I might be burned at the stake.

However, in the three years or so since I made the initial admittance to myself, I’ve changed a lot as a woman. I’ve grown in many ways, including freeing the inner girl. I’ve been able to admit things, forgive myself for others and finally embrace the person I now know was always buried inside. Was I always a submissive? I suspect from very early on yes. I can remember my earliest relationships and now know why they just didn’t work. I think I found pretty much every passive man who existed, the kind who were wonderful buddies, but couldn’t and wouldn’t take control. They were also shorter than me and very much I was the assertive/aggressive in the relationship. I think that’s what I thought I should have. There are various reasons that I don’t get into but my childhood profoundly affected my choices.

For a couple having lived a fairly vanilla life before either his or her admittance, communication might have been stilted, difficult at best. As you move through the various stages of your journey together, talking becomes vital. John Patrick often comments that he and I can talk about anything and everything. Yes, we do. We broach subjects that others would find perhaps even sick, but we need to learn and understand our respective parameters. I value everything he shares with me. I learn from his words of wisdom and yes his guidance.

Once you begin to talk, sharing feelings and fears, then you’re both going to want to learn more, talk with other couples in the lifestyle. Again, there are no rulebooks but hearing from others is vital and may help ease trepidation. There is no perfect way to move through the different phases and there will be various steps and leaps along the way. There are fabulous blogs and other websites that give you real So sexyadvice from very personal experiences. That’s really how John Patrick and I learned more – mostly to confirm while we’re weird, we’re not that ‘weird’. I say this tongue in cheek. What you share together and enjoy is NEVER weird.

For John Patrick and I, he knew from the get go I was and continue to be a very assertive woman in my day life. I’m a take charge gal in every aspect of my persona as well as my personality. Do my two personalities clash? Well, not as much as they used to. Months ago I mentioned to John Patrick that I felt I needed a bridge between the vanilla girl and the submissive. He purchased what some would call a day collar – a lovely sterling silver choker representing his ownership and domination over me. No, he hasn’t officially collared me, but this symbol is powerful still. I can simply touch the necklace and feel connected to him as well as the act calms me, reminds me that I belong to him. Sounds very simplistic indeed but it worked for us. What I realized only recently is that moving from one stage to the other isn’t as difficult as it once was. Even though there is distance between us and we don’t get to physically see each other all the time, the connections remain strong, building our relationship to a heightened level every day. I know he’s my Dom. I have given him control.

What you also have to determine between you is if this is a lifestyle change or merely a bedroom switch. If she wants to be tied up and spanked in the bedroom, then shifts to the aggressive woman in every other way, you have to talk. She may seem unsure or find it difficult to figure out. That’s okay. Time. Remember? Often times this is the beginning. For many couples this isn’t too weird – not really anyway. They can allow themselves to share something a bit kinky without admitting their inner needs. In other words the door is being opened slowly. Allow. Embrace. Enjoy.

What Dom’s tend to forget, and one reason I think having John Patrick’s voice is so vital, is that for the man, moving into becoming a Dom is a very personal experience as well. A man whose been in a vanilla relationship is not going to suddenly wake up one day and be able to embrace all the various aspects of becoming a Dom. Not possible. Men have to reflect on their needs and desires, thoughts about what is important if and when they move into more of a D/s style relationship. I think men assume they understand the controlling role. While John Patrick realized he was a very controlling person – at least with aspects of items he could control such as work, bills, etc. – he was taught equality in a relationship.In His Hands Society if nothing else is all over equality.

How in the world is a man supposed to be able to know how much control is just right versus going over the line? Talking, talking, communicating, reading, reflecting often. Men don’t generally open up that easily and talk about their feelings. If you haven’t been able to talk to your significant other that easily about your vanilla life, opening Pandora’s Box is going to be tough. I have often suggested that John Patrick reach out to another Dom, one where he has other aspects in common with, and just talk.

Can you see a thread in this blog? Communication. Easier said than done many times in our lives, but this is the most vital piece. Talking honestly will bring about trust and aid in the ability to take steps forward. Enjoy this amazing ride – together. Things are going to change along the way. The journey is fraught with aspects of worry and fear, but the joy far outweighs any angst. I hope you’ve enjoyed.

Kisses and spanks…

Cassandre

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Why Do Women Crave Spankings?

I have to admit I grabbed this title straight off the top search engines that are occurring on WordPress right now. Today. That along with ‘the ways to become a slave’. I thought I’d tackle the spanking question. Do spankings and becoming a slave go hand in hand? Of course not, but both are about a relationship that has gone through a power exchange. What does this mean? Simply that one person in the relationship has given the other the power to control, whether simply for discipline or for the life they live. Slave and submissive are vastly different, however and I’m not certain many in a vanilla lifestyle realize this. I certainly didn’t until I explored my submissive side with John Patrick. Becoming a slave is an entirely different and very complex subject. I don’t think I Submissives Sentimentscould ever become a slave, nor does he want me to be. Let’s take a taste of being taken over his knee, spanked like you were when you were a child.

Why would a woman crave a spanking?

Pain. Do you enjoy pain? Some people do. We’ve already talked about the concept of a pain slut – someone who enjoys receiving pain. That’s not what we’re talking about. Granted, spankings for punishment are supposed to hurt. They’re designed to stop bad behavior. We’re not talking about love taps in the bedroom, although I think most women would admit hungering for one or two. A real old fashioned over the knee spanking involves letting go, pain, sometimes tears, and the understanding you’ve done something wrong.

Now, as a reader of any sexy blog or story, what do you think? What are the first thoughts and emotions racing in the back of your mind? Shock? Nausea? Are you rolling your eyes right about now and commenting to your significant other that there are a lot of weirdos in the world? Or are you quietly smiling, perhaps wiggling in your seat because you know you’ve at least craved a spanking more than once? I asked this on Facebook this morning so we’ll see if anyone answers me.

John Patrick and I are card carrying weirdos. We say that all the time to each other. While we honestly think we’re fairly normal in the realm of others, we realize a few people would be shocked if they knew our other side – the dark side. By day we’re both very active professionals who follow the rules, play nice in the sandbox and move about in public like any other couple. We love wineries and making dinner together, quiet times talking on the deck and snuggling while watching a movie. Then there’s the basement… And yes, I’m not kidding. Time spent in the rather dark place symbolizes our craving to share BDSM together, but that’s not the only aspect of what we share. Spankings are a part of our realm. This you already know. Do I crave a spanking? The simple and short answer is yes. I feel happier, more well rounded, focused, loved and cherished when I receive one. Do I think I need one every day? Hmmm… Perhaps. Why? For me the reminder that he is my Sir is important. Why do women crave in general?

I certainly don’t think there’s one simple or single answer to this. For every woman this is very intimate and no doubt private. While so many people crave sex, they aren’t comfortable talking about pretty much any aspect. Try mentioned the word ‘flogger’ or ‘nipple clamps’ in a mixed crowd and see the kind of looks you receive. Try asking your best friend or a group of girls (or guys for that matter) if they’ve ever craved and received regular spankings. My guess is the entire group will move Spank me hardso fast to the far side of the room your head will spin. You can see them, all red faced and huffing while they gulp whatever alcoholic beverage they can find close to them.

John Patrick and I are weird and perhaps evil. We’ve gone into a restaurant and purposely talked a little louder than normal about aspects of kink go so the table near us would hear. Oh they crane their necks and stare wide-eyed. Now, I don’t this rather wicked practice in front of your boss but… And I also don’t want to undermine the beauty of a D/s relationship AT ALL. Even a vanilla relationship embracing aspects of spanking discipline should be given the respect it deserves. For the relatively few couples uninhibited enough to discuss and consider various unconventional needs is pretty damn awesome in my book.

Let’s face it – Americans in particular are pretty close-minded. I laugh because we think we’re cutting edge with our porn sites. Hogwash. We’re hiding what we want from ourselves, let alone everyone else. Other countries have us beat hands down in their ability and desire to embrace sexuality. I’d come close to saying we’re puritans with regards to anything other than the missionary position. We just are folks. BORING is another word. Do you wonder why there are so many divorces? But I digress… Women have always hungered for the dominating man. From Knights of the Round Table to cowboys, policemen to our military heroes, we long for the strong authoritative type. We find them sexier.

Why? Because they are men, not the pansy asses I see exist at times. I keep telling my young assistant, go for a real man in jeans and cowboy boots, not the kid with saggy pants and playing video games all night. I know – my personal opinion but our romance novels aren’t graced with boys who look like girls, now are they? Nope. We want men to be men, foraging for fire and food and providing shelter and protection. Men are the natural leaders, born and bred to do just that – be the protector and provider. I think spankings are a simple and very passionate reminder of these facts. The act is one very clear cut way to say to the women they are in charge, they make the rules.

In talking with other women, they will admit they enjoy the sting of pain, the concept of him taking control – at least in the bedroom. For those in domestic discipline relationship, I’ve heard comments similar to mine. They feel more loved, at peace with their relationship. Passion grows and they look at their man with pride and love, respect and honor. Yes, the whole honor and obey thing comes into play. Why do you think my collection of books with this title is popular? Readers are curious. They want to read about the exact thing they’ve been thinking and wanting – even if they’re not ready to admit the concept openly.

The very first time John Patrick spanked me was cathartic. I honestly had no idea the belthow I’d react and my emotions weren’t where I thought they’d be. I can tell you his reaction wasn’t either. We were both filled with adrenaline, raw emotions and in truth, that’s the moment love for the man developed. I’d already felt respect and adoration, but I knew at that moment I was falling hard. I know this sounds rather odd, but the very moment was my awakening, my admittance I could trust a man, my Dom, enough to allow myself to let control go. I gave full control over to him at that very moment. Since then the experience hasn’t been the same in the terms of a shocking eye opener, but every time he spanks me I gain more respect, I feel more obedient and subservient to him.

For any women, I honestly think the act will draw you closer to each other. Whether you’re being spanked because you disobeyed him or you’re trying to beef up your kink level, you are giving him the controlling reins. You’re saying you no longer have to fight the system and be the dominating woman – something we say we want as women but honestly grow weary of the responsibility. We are very tired of fighting the good fight every day with family and work and kids and money and chores and issues and… Are you exhausted and ready to hand over control now from reading this? Whew, I am. John Patrick is the controlling factor in my life. He does and will give me spankings when he feels I need to be centered or if I break the rules.

Think for just a moment about your life, your guy. Do you have the guts to ask him to try spankings for a while? Hmm…

I hope you’ve enjoyed.

Kisses and spanks and tell me your stories…

Cassandre

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