A Submissive Revealed

I’m often asked how I knew I was submissive and when did I admit and to whom. I had a wonderful reader ask me a great question as well. He mentioned his wife had recently revealed she desires to become a submissive and at this point has been only able to act on the admittance in the bedroom. Once play is over, she goes back to her more assertive state. I think this happens quite often, especially in the beginning stages. Even I revert to the very assertive girl with my family and friends. Only with John Patrick am I truly submissive, giving him full control. The reader asked for my advice and in truth, this is a very personal Jessie Pensiveexperience for both the Dom and the submissive. There are no easy answers except in my opinion – keep in mind I’m no expert – for two that are fairly simple in saying. You have to have very open and extremely honest communication and you have to realize this is a journey, not a sprint. Meaning this is just the beginning and a lot of time will transpire.

Being very open and communicating often is truly the key in becoming closer as a couple. This, of course, is good advice for any kind of relationship but in D/s, you have to be sometimes painfully open. You have to leave all your inhibitions about yourself in the past and begin again. For me, this admittance came over a series of months. I didn’t say anything to anyone. I had all those worries and fears that you can imagine as well as the basic questions. Am I weird? Is there something wrong with me? How will my friends and family react? I’m not suggesting that everyone around me knows about this side of me today. In truth, those at my work already freak out a little bit I write erotic books. Add this to the mix and I honestly think I might be burned at the stake.

However, in the three years or so since I made the initial admittance to myself, I’ve changed a lot as a woman. I’ve grown in many ways, including freeing the inner girl. I’ve been able to admit things, forgive myself for others and finally embrace the person I now know was always buried inside. Was I always a submissive? I suspect from very early on yes. I can remember my earliest relationships and now know why they just didn’t work. I think I found pretty much every passive man who existed, the kind who were wonderful buddies, but couldn’t and wouldn’t take control. They were also shorter than me and very much I was the assertive/aggressive in the relationship. I think that’s what I thought I should have. There are various reasons that I don’t get into but my childhood profoundly affected my choices.

For a couple having lived a fairly vanilla life before either his or her admittance, communication might have been stilted, difficult at best. As you move through the various stages of your journey together, talking becomes vital. John Patrick often comments that he and I can talk about anything and everything. Yes, we do. We broach subjects that others would find perhaps even sick, but we need to learn and understand our respective parameters. I value everything he shares with me. I learn from his words of wisdom and yes his guidance.

Once you begin to talk, sharing feelings and fears, then you’re both going to want to learn more, talk with other couples in the lifestyle. Again, there are no rulebooks but hearing from others is vital and may help ease trepidation. There is no perfect way to move through the different phases and there will be various steps and leaps along the way. There are fabulous blogs and other websites that give you real So sexyadvice from very personal experiences. That’s really how John Patrick and I learned more – mostly to confirm while we’re weird, we’re not that ‘weird’. I say this tongue in cheek. What you share together and enjoy is NEVER weird.

For John Patrick and I, he knew from the get go I was and continue to be a very assertive woman in my day life. I’m a take charge gal in every aspect of my persona as well as my personality. Do my two personalities clash? Well, not as much as they used to. Months ago I mentioned to John Patrick that I felt I needed a bridge between the vanilla girl and the submissive. He purchased what some would call a day collar – a lovely sterling silver choker representing his ownership and domination over me. No, he hasn’t officially collared me, but this symbol is powerful still. I can simply touch the necklace and feel connected to him as well as the act calms me, reminds me that I belong to him. Sounds very simplistic indeed but it worked for us. What I realized only recently is that moving from one stage to the other isn’t as difficult as it once was. Even though there is distance between us and we don’t get to physically see each other all the time, the connections remain strong, building our relationship to a heightened level every day. I know he’s my Dom. I have given him control.

What you also have to determine between you is if this is a lifestyle change or merely a bedroom switch. If she wants to be tied up and spanked in the bedroom, then shifts to the aggressive woman in every other way, you have to talk. She may seem unsure or find it difficult to figure out. That’s okay. Time. Remember? Often times this is the beginning. For many couples this isn’t too weird – not really anyway. They can allow themselves to share something a bit kinky without admitting their inner needs. In other words the door is being opened slowly. Allow. Embrace. Enjoy.

What Dom’s tend to forget, and one reason I think having John Patrick’s voice is so vital, is that for the man, moving into becoming a Dom is a very personal experience as well. A man whose been in a vanilla relationship is not going to suddenly wake up one day and be able to embrace all the various aspects of becoming a Dom. Not possible. Men have to reflect on their needs and desires, thoughts about what is important if and when they move into more of a D/s style relationship. I think men assume they understand the controlling role. While John Patrick realized he was a very controlling person – at least with aspects of items he could control such as work, bills, etc. – he was taught equality in a relationship.In His Hands Society if nothing else is all over equality.

How in the world is a man supposed to be able to know how much control is just right versus going over the line? Talking, talking, communicating, reading, reflecting often. Men don’t generally open up that easily and talk about their feelings. If you haven’t been able to talk to your significant other that easily about your vanilla life, opening Pandora’s Box is going to be tough. I have often suggested that John Patrick reach out to another Dom, one where he has other aspects in common with, and just talk.

Can you see a thread in this blog? Communication. Easier said than done many times in our lives, but this is the most vital piece. Talking honestly will bring about trust and aid in the ability to take steps forward. Enjoy this amazing ride – together. Things are going to change along the way. The journey is fraught with aspects of worry and fear, but the joy far outweighs any angst. I hope you’ve enjoyed.

Kisses and spanks…

Cassandre

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Why Do Women Crave Spankings?

I have to admit I grabbed this title straight off the top search engines that are occurring on WordPress right now. Today. That along with ‘the ways to become a slave’. I thought I’d tackle the spanking question. Do spankings and becoming a slave go hand in hand? Of course not, but both are about a relationship that has gone through a power exchange. What does this mean? Simply that one person in the relationship has given the other the power to control, whether simply for discipline or for the life they live. Slave and submissive are vastly different, however and I’m not certain many in a vanilla lifestyle realize this. I certainly didn’t until I explored my submissive side with John Patrick. Becoming a slave is an entirely different and very complex subject. I don’t think I Submissives Sentimentscould ever become a slave, nor does he want me to be. Let’s take a taste of being taken over his knee, spanked like you were when you were a child.

Why would a woman crave a spanking?

Pain. Do you enjoy pain? Some people do. We’ve already talked about the concept of a pain slut – someone who enjoys receiving pain. That’s not what we’re talking about. Granted, spankings for punishment are supposed to hurt. They’re designed to stop bad behavior. We’re not talking about love taps in the bedroom, although I think most women would admit hungering for one or two. A real old fashioned over the knee spanking involves letting go, pain, sometimes tears, and the understanding you’ve done something wrong.

Now, as a reader of any sexy blog or story, what do you think? What are the first thoughts and emotions racing in the back of your mind? Shock? Nausea? Are you rolling your eyes right about now and commenting to your significant other that there are a lot of weirdos in the world? Or are you quietly smiling, perhaps wiggling in your seat because you know you’ve at least craved a spanking more than once? I asked this on Facebook this morning so we’ll see if anyone answers me.

John Patrick and I are card carrying weirdos. We say that all the time to each other. While we honestly think we’re fairly normal in the realm of others, we realize a few people would be shocked if they knew our other side – the dark side. By day we’re both very active professionals who follow the rules, play nice in the sandbox and move about in public like any other couple. We love wineries and making dinner together, quiet times talking on the deck and snuggling while watching a movie. Then there’s the basement… And yes, I’m not kidding. Time spent in the rather dark place symbolizes our craving to share BDSM together, but that’s not the only aspect of what we share. Spankings are a part of our realm. This you already know. Do I crave a spanking? The simple and short answer is yes. I feel happier, more well rounded, focused, loved and cherished when I receive one. Do I think I need one every day? Hmmm… Perhaps. Why? For me the reminder that he is my Sir is important. Why do women crave in general?

I certainly don’t think there’s one simple or single answer to this. For every woman this is very intimate and no doubt private. While so many people crave sex, they aren’t comfortable talking about pretty much any aspect. Try mentioned the word ‘flogger’ or ‘nipple clamps’ in a mixed crowd and see the kind of looks you receive. Try asking your best friend or a group of girls (or guys for that matter) if they’ve ever craved and received regular spankings. My guess is the entire group will move Spank me hardso fast to the far side of the room your head will spin. You can see them, all red faced and huffing while they gulp whatever alcoholic beverage they can find close to them.

John Patrick and I are weird and perhaps evil. We’ve gone into a restaurant and purposely talked a little louder than normal about aspects of kink go so the table near us would hear. Oh they crane their necks and stare wide-eyed. Now, I don’t this rather wicked practice in front of your boss but… And I also don’t want to undermine the beauty of a D/s relationship AT ALL. Even a vanilla relationship embracing aspects of spanking discipline should be given the respect it deserves. For the relatively few couples uninhibited enough to discuss and consider various unconventional needs is pretty damn awesome in my book.

Let’s face it – Americans in particular are pretty close-minded. I laugh because we think we’re cutting edge with our porn sites. Hogwash. We’re hiding what we want from ourselves, let alone everyone else. Other countries have us beat hands down in their ability and desire to embrace sexuality. I’d come close to saying we’re puritans with regards to anything other than the missionary position. We just are folks. BORING is another word. Do you wonder why there are so many divorces? But I digress… Women have always hungered for the dominating man. From Knights of the Round Table to cowboys, policemen to our military heroes, we long for the strong authoritative type. We find them sexier.

Why? Because they are men, not the pansy asses I see exist at times. I keep telling my young assistant, go for a real man in jeans and cowboy boots, not the kid with saggy pants and playing video games all night. I know – my personal opinion but our romance novels aren’t graced with boys who look like girls, now are they? Nope. We want men to be men, foraging for fire and food and providing shelter and protection. Men are the natural leaders, born and bred to do just that – be the protector and provider. I think spankings are a simple and very passionate reminder of these facts. The act is one very clear cut way to say to the women they are in charge, they make the rules.

In talking with other women, they will admit they enjoy the sting of pain, the concept of him taking control – at least in the bedroom. For those in domestic discipline relationship, I’ve heard comments similar to mine. They feel more loved, at peace with their relationship. Passion grows and they look at their man with pride and love, respect and honor. Yes, the whole honor and obey thing comes into play. Why do you think my collection of books with this title is popular? Readers are curious. They want to read about the exact thing they’ve been thinking and wanting – even if they’re not ready to admit the concept openly.

The very first time John Patrick spanked me was cathartic. I honestly had no idea the belthow I’d react and my emotions weren’t where I thought they’d be. I can tell you his reaction wasn’t either. We were both filled with adrenaline, raw emotions and in truth, that’s the moment love for the man developed. I’d already felt respect and adoration, but I knew at that moment I was falling hard. I know this sounds rather odd, but the very moment was my awakening, my admittance I could trust a man, my Dom, enough to allow myself to let control go. I gave full control over to him at that very moment. Since then the experience hasn’t been the same in the terms of a shocking eye opener, but every time he spanks me I gain more respect, I feel more obedient and subservient to him.

For any women, I honestly think the act will draw you closer to each other. Whether you’re being spanked because you disobeyed him or you’re trying to beef up your kink level, you are giving him the controlling reins. You’re saying you no longer have to fight the system and be the dominating woman – something we say we want as women but honestly grow weary of the responsibility. We are very tired of fighting the good fight every day with family and work and kids and money and chores and issues and… Are you exhausted and ready to hand over control now from reading this? Whew, I am. John Patrick is the controlling factor in my life. He does and will give me spankings when he feels I need to be centered or if I break the rules.

Think for just a moment about your life, your guy. Do you have the guts to ask him to try spankings for a while? Hmm…

I hope you’ve enjoyed.

Kisses and spanks and tell me your stories…

Cassandre

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Guiding a Submissive…the Reality of Sharing

A ménage… Is that all you think about when you hear the word ‘sharing’ involving a couple and another person? I think most people do. The concept is all about sex. Right? Well, often sex is involved of course, but within a D/s dynamic, that’s not just what happens and sometimes sex isn’t on the menu. Case in point. John Patrick could discipline another without sex ever involved. Meaning, he could spank and the girl would go on her merry way. Could this turn into more at a later time? Certainly, but that would depend on the person. That 9Wet Kisswould also depend on the dynamic with the person – and with me. John Patrick and I are very passionate, uninhibited and open. We embrace the same needs and hunger for more than traditional sex.

Most would say we’re kinky. We like to coin a phrase said about both of us often. “Ya’ll are weird.” Yep, we are – that is if you mean we don’t enjoy the traditional realm of sharing intimacy. We don’t. Don’t get me wrong, there’s nothing better than kissing and holding hands, a long hot shower where I scrub every inch of him, being able to touch each other when we’re anywhere close to each other. These are very intimate yet lust filled connections. They’re probably considered fairly vanilla. Oh, but we have another side, one that is dark with needs forbidden. For the record – I think most people would look at me and think – yeah, the chick is wicked and definitely wild. But John Patrick? Eh, I don’t think so. Being weird is an honor, one I carry well and smile.

Spanking for hire. Well, I don’t mean that in the traditional way, although I’ve written about just his in my Spank Me collection. There are people who seek out a dominant personality, a disciplinarian to give them what they crave – being whipped for all their wrong doings. The person would be an authority figure, one with a deep voice, a quiet yet very pointed demeanor. He’d be well practiced in the art of spanking and would quickly be able to read the submissive and his or her needs. Trust me when I say, John Patrick is very much this persona. With a simple look and a crook of his finger, a reassuring tone in his voice as he pulls you over his knee, well he certainly garners flutters in my heart, knocking in my knees still today. The man knows how to take control and spank.

A question was posed to him recently about how he could do this without sex. He returned the question with a question of hi own. What is the concept of sex – as he asked just intercourse? Or if you have oral sex, is that the true meaning of the word? Hmmm… What about the use of a toy or other stimulus but no body parts? I know, the concept sounds rather complicated. Right? I’m bringing this up because there is no easy answer. Every couple, every relationship is different. You can’t pigeonhole feelings and emotions, worries and trepidations. That’s why John Patrick and I talk all the time, sharing…yes SHARING our feelings and needs. They’ve changed since we became a couple and they will again, I assure you. There are other aspects to sharing including our secret life to others in our vanilla world. There’s sharing of discipline involving a person of trust. There’s also sharing by going to a club, allowing others to watch us as he whips or uses me. Then there’s sharing out bodies, our sex, our passion for D/s and perhaps our lives with another – a third. This is also called a polyamory relationship. While not wide spread in the United States, the lifestyle is increasing in popularity.

The concept of sharing comes up frequently both in my blog, stories and in questions I’m asked by readers who honestly have no idea who John Patrick and I Good Girl - No Pantiescan consider ever sharing with another, allowing the second submissive into our inner sanctum. There is no easy answer as to why other than we’re very open, longing to bring the joy we have to others. I know – sounds a bit too unrealistic. Right? The key for us is we’ve been very open about this since the beginning. The interesting aspect to this is that he’s very possessive. While he will enjoy seeing and allowing another women in our lives – NO WAY there will be a man. At least right now. He’s a man’s man after all and can’t stomach seeing me with another man.

We’ve had a myriad of fascinating conversations over the last couple of days. When we connected we weren’t looking for anything in particular as far as in another partner – not really. We were both looking to explore the side of us we’d recently unmasked, the one SCREAMING to be allowed out of that ugly black box. John Patrick had a life altering occurrence and I had years of pent up lies swelling to the boiling point. My writing pulled me out of my cage. His near death his. And so we set off on a journey where we had no idea what we were looking for, but knew and know today the basic same ole vanilla life will never ease our hunger.

I’d experienced a couple of Dom’s I’d rather now beat to death than submit to and he had one that was flaky and another that perhaps was too much on the edge. The just right part came with being very honest and truthful as well as completely uninhibited in our thinking. We’re open people and not just about domination or BDSM. We don’t judge people on any level – well except for stupid people. LOL.

What we realized minute one is that we can talk about anything. When sharing came up, I knew what he wanted simply because I’d learned the man inside and out. I’m as close to him as I’ve ever been to anyone and he feels the same way. There was no shock factor for either of us. While he’s told me he’s a one person kind of man (one very close friend, one very special lover or love) I know that he’d be happy if a third was in our lives, one that could be an extension of the two of us. Don’t worry. I don’t have the rose colored glasses on. I’m not certain she exists, but then again, I didn’t think the kind of relationship we share ever could.

Without a doubt, there are so many ramifications surrounding the concept there is no easy or quick way we’ll ever achieve this – if ever. The person has to be right. To answer what some readers might ask is the burning question – would I be jealous ultimately? Of course there’d be some of those feelings, but you have to understand, what I share with him isn’t anything you can imagine. Hell, what we have, the extreme deep and very intense love is all encompassing, breathtaking for both of us. Is our relationship perfect? Hell no. There ain’t one out there kiddos.

BUT…we can just be together in a way that is awe inspiring. When we can drink wine, share a laugh, enjoy cooking so that every single flavor is heightened, candles and time talking are sinful and delicious… Well, you get my drift. We have odds to deal with, life that interferes, but that’s okay. We’ll work through them. But I digress. I asked John Patrick a series of questions about sharing, partly because of some very pointed questions from a couple readers and partially because I wanted to make certain his voice was heard without inflection, without my interjection.sex kitten Our level of communication and the passion in which we show is very special, as a reader pointed out recently. He’s mulling over several that I certainly know the answer to, but again, I want HIS voice. I’ll bring those to you in a soon to be penned blog. What I can tell you is that through his guidance and honesty I’ve grown as a woman, let alone as a submissive. What we share together is amazing and very rare. I feel blessed.

As you think about what I’ve written, ask yourself this – could you ever be secure enough in your relationship (whether vanilla or D/s) to share – even for a single night? Could you see opening up to another to the point the person was an extension? Would you say yes, then freak out and threaten to leave him or her? Hmmm… Heady questions but ones to consider if you’ve ever had either a ménage or more on your mind. My thoughts for today. I hope you’ve enjoyed.

Kisses and spanks…

Cassandre

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Guiding a Submissive…the Dom’s POV…Pleasure & Pain

Guidance. I think we can all agree we either need or have required some level of guidance in the past. Whether in our childhood when our parents and teachers were the positive influences or college professors and our first or most recent employers. Powerful and distinguished people of intelligence offer a true representation of life the way it should be lived – with integrity and honesty especially about ourselves. I feel safe with John Patrick. I can be true to me as a woman and a submissive. I trust him with my body and soul and in doing so I can Pull my chainrelax and allow my fears and worries to come to the surface. His strong arms as well as his words of encouragement, incredible and very deep love and his discipline of me as needed has been a strength that builds, a growth that I haven’t experienced before. Yes, there is something very special about how we are and we fell hard, very deep quickly.

Pleasure. There is nothing so sweet as the dazzling sensations of pleasure. From ice cream to a fine wine, the heated kiss shared with a lover and the blissful moment of ecstasy when making love – whether cumming or not. Pleasure can make us do both harmful and sinful things to gain the rush, the heightened level of euphoria we long to experience again and again. Dom’s use pleasure often as a tool, stretching their guidance into obeying or a treat for being very obedient. Pleasure is also something that is given freely. John Patrick wants nothing more than for me to be happy but yes, he certainly will curtail various levels as necessary.

Pain. Yes there is pain in some – notice I say some – D/s relationships. Not every couple uses discipline and punishment including whipping and spanking. There are also methods of pain in playtime. There are many couples who enjoy going to kink clubs and sharing very intense sessions of pain, both together and bringing others into the event. He uses disciplinary methods of course and we have enjoyed aspects of true BDSM, but to date haven’t gone to a club or brought another into our fold. Are we considering? Yes. That’s for another blog but John Patrick will be tackling his thoughts and desires.

Being involved in a D/s lifestyle isn’t something many of us think about in the beginning of our new found happiness – at least not for most of us. We’re typically raised to think that all relationships are equal, or should be. In doing blogs about my personal as well as writing journey, I’ve been so lucky and happy to have readers tell me their thoughts. What I’ve fully embraced is that adding John Patrick’s POV has been enlightening for so many, those in the lifestyle as well as readers who merely enjoy the taste. For anyone just joining my blog, you’re going to see his name as a constant throughout the ones I pen regarding D/s and discipline. He’s my Dom, a man I adore and one I respect highly.

I also respect and value his thoughts and opinions and evidently so do a lot of my readers. Those who know the writer girl, you realize I not only write in several Punish Megenres, but I don’t hold anything back either. There’s no topic or situation I won’t write about – including in my blogs. The driving force of my openness at this point is not only my passion for what I do but the man as well. I hear from so many readers how having his actual voice represented means quite a bit to them. So I wanted to highlight him even more.

As you know, he and I talk all the time. We enjoy grabbing onto topics and exploring every avenue. I also love to have him talk with others both in and out of the lifestyle about his feelings, his experiences learning and growing. You have to remember something. He is a man first and was long before he was a Dom. Did he always have dominating tendencies? I think they were always there, but society and his upbringing kept his understanding of what he realizes are needs on the back burner.

And yes his journey allowed him to open up, accept and embrace his needs to be the controlling factor in the relationship. He thrives and excels much like I do as a submissive. He and I talked about highlighting his thoughts, ideas, feelings and worries in a series of blogs and of course he’s agreed. You’ll hear more from him over the next week or so as I ask him a series of questions. His guidance brings so many topics to the table that the majority of people don’t talk about.

John Patrick asked me what I would think about him disciplining another submissive. Yes, we’ve talked about this concept as he is very methodical and careful in his use of any implement, including his hand. My answer didn’t flip off the tip of my tongue. Remember I’ve told you I’m a woman first and yes, the way I feel about him in our vanilla stage as well as the D/s, I have to stop and think about how I’d feel. The reality is I trust him and our level of communication is as open as I’ve ever had. I had no problem with him disciplining another woman. What this did was bring up to a comment about the use of pleasure and pain as a deterrent and reward system.

From time to time I’m punished. I’ve disobeyed the few rules he has and I’ve deserved receiving his belt across my naked backside. I’ve deserved harsher punishment and I’ve received a lashing in the form of the use of the quirt – yes I have a whole blog on his nasty critter. However, he certainly didn’t start out beating me with a flogger or a dense paddle without knowing what he was doing and practicing. He wouldn’t have used the quirt – shivers – in the beginning because he didn’t know my body. He had to know how I’d react as well as how he’d react.

The use of pain – and there are as many methods of inflicting pain as there are pleasure – isn’t to be taken lightly. There are several methods which can inflict serious bodily harm. No Dom should ever consider without learning what he’s doing. No submissive should ever agree to submit to a man who has no freaking clue and doesn’t talk to you about sharing this step in the journey. Come on ladies. Get smart. There are many Doms who are merely out for their own pleasure. Sadists do exist. They hunger to inflict as much anguish as humanly possible. On the flip side there are many submissives called pain sluts. They want and crave the pain, no matter what happens or how horrific. They can only achieve actual pleasure through heady amounts of raw pain.

For me? Do I crave certain aspects of pain? Yes, but in the admittance comes a statement. I understand pain play. I know about the use of electricity and clamps, wooden horses and bullwhips. I’ve read and talked to many in the lifestyle so I understand. BUT… There is no way I’d ever consider anything without total trust in John Patrick. Are we experimenting? Yes. Does he talk to me about his Tell me you deserve itdesires and learns what I’m thinking and feeling? You bet.

I had a very wise Dom – a Master who’d been trained by men trained in the Far East – tell me that some submissives will beg for more because some pain can move you into what is the over used term – subspace. Yes, it does exist and I’ve been close for a little while once. As with anything else the extremely heightened state of being is learned. He said bluntly that assholes (meaning Dom’s with zero care about their submissive’s well being) will continue to whip or beat, pinch or flog without reservation, especially when begged. He said he knew when to stop given the coloration and the way his submissive’s skin looked. Hmmm….

Does John Patrick pay attention? Of course. He has pushed the envelope, pushing my limits further and I am grateful and I crave more. However I know he’ll only give when he knows I’m ready.

Let’s talk pleasure. We have a vanilla love as well as wanting to share even more of our D/s experience so we enjoy each other’s bodies, but I will forever be his submissive. So he does and will control if and when I receive pleasure, at least sexually. Pleasure for us is about so many tastes and treats. So the question about sharing this pleasure, as well as pain, has come up on several blogs. What I’ve come to understand is that the very notion of sharing is difficult. I’m going to have John Patrick really share his feelings about why he feels the need to have another in another blog. I think that will be eye opening for everyone. In the meantime, pleasure and pain go hand in hand with his guidance and there’s no one else I’d be able to submit to.

Kisses and spanks…

Cassandre

PS – Something I wrote on Facebook with a  picture. So very fitting…

When he holds my chain I feel loved, safe in the arms of the only man who can understand me, the only one who sees and nurtures my darker side. When he pulls my chain I know I’m to follow and I do without reservation. Submitting to him is my joy as well as my power. He is my Sir and I love him…

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Domination and Submission = Abuse? Part Two

Well, the first blog regarding this very sensitive subject did generate many a comment. I honestly think a lot of people have no clue the difference in living a D/s lifestyle and being abused by an asshole. How sadly appropriate I’m writing this blog when I just read what was a haunting question from a submissive in a BDSM group on Facebook. She mentioned her Dom was coming over to beat her and she hadn’t done anything to deserve a beating. She stated he never seemed concerned about her welfare and simply used excessive force. Her comment ended with she was fearful of him and didn’t know what to do. My statement to her was this had nothing to do with D/s. The relationship is clearly about abuse. This is sadly what I’m talking about in this blog. There
is a huge difference and even people in the lifestyle don’t know the difference.

Folks, you have to have enough respect for yourself on several levels. If you’re even considering entering into a lifestyle where you’re trusting another, you have to know every detail. You have to have very open communication and have limits dominantwith play or punishment. There is no way John Patrick would force me into a situation of any kind without talking about the various aspects, the emotions and fears involved. Yes, I’m spanked for bad behavior. He disciplines me because he knows I need a firm hand. I know I need a strict man in my life, one who has taken the time to get to know ME – that fearful and loving girl inside, the one who falters in her ways, has little patience. He punishes me after talking about why I need a hard whipping – not a beating.

Every aspect of what we share is open, our lines of communication to our passion. Yes, he has the last say in every aspect of what we share but he does listen to me. He hears my worries and concerns and takes them in account before decisions are made. That’s the way of D/s. I trust him with the decisions he makes and the punishment I need in order to thrive – and I do. He’s a calming factor. He’s a man who knows me better than any other has and I am thrilled with our life together.

As I said I the last blog, I wanted to get John Patrick’s take on this very heated subject and I asked him some very pointed and specific questions. I’ve mentioned before that I’m a tall chick, pretty capable of taking care of myself, but he’s a big man. Standing at 6’5”, and having the strength he does, he’s certainly capable of capturing and pinning me down, in other words forcing whatever he desire on me. But he doesn’t. Never has and never will. That’s the measure of the man I admire. Of course I submit to him easily but in hearing some stories, some Dom’s use their physical prowess to force submissives into doing whatever they want. That’s nothing more than standard grade ‘A’ abuse. I won’t tolerate nor would John Patrick ever consider.

A Sub's initiativeWhat we share is about respect. Trust. Love. Everything we do is consensual. I adore submitting to such an honest and caring Dom. Let me in on what he’s saying…

Abuse – tell me your thoughts on why there’s so much confusion and people think D/s is all about abuse

Society tends to take a very narrow view of a subject and then try’s to fit anything they feel is associated with that subject into that very narrow definition. Any type or level of violence, especially towards a woman, is viewed as abuse. Period. There are no parameters or levels of acceptance. And if a woman says she actually desires the treatment found in many D/s and BDSM relationships, she is obviously mentally unstable, needs help and is a “victim”. Now do I believe there is real abuse? Absolutely!!! In every family, class of society and in every neighborhood. There are real victims and real perpetrators. The victims need help and the abusers need prosecution. But this is not what this discussion or D/s is about.

We are talking about adults that have agreed to take their relationship or playtime to other levels and in directions not viewed by society as normal, through mutual consent and agreement, thus making the label of abuse no longer applicable. Consent is the foundation of kink play and the turning point from abuse. Because as free thinking and intelligent creatures, we can decide on how we wish to play and what we wish to experience, without being labeled as “crazy”. If agreed upon by adults through the building of trust and open communication, the limits of exploration are almost boundless and free from what society has deemed as “normal”.

We both think a D/s relationship is special – what constitutes the ability for a Dom to be more aggressive, giving discipline etc where society frowns upon spankings of any kind.

As a Dom, I take it as my responsibility to establish some level of rules and order for the sub to follow to maintain the relationship on an even keel. I believe its the only fair way to handle the relationship: have everything as black and white as possible. Rewards for good behavior, punishment for bad. Spanking is very personal for discipline, works well and it is generally a very private and personal management style.

What do you think would happen if a spanking you administered in a more public setting moved toward the police being called?

It would go very badly. Because of the feelings and the seemly constant news in the press today about abuse, the authorities would feel obligated to take some level of action, even being that the act was consensual. The “victim” obviously doesn’t understand or realize what’s happening! They would trot out any obscure law if need be to find some way of prosecuting at some level to show a level of concern and action.

What do you think would be the reaction of your friends, family, father if they/he knew you were using a belt for discipline? Would any of them think the word abuse?

The quick answer is yes, they all would probably think it was abuse at first glance. If I had the chance to explain our views to each one, most friends and some family would see it asA submissive something else but I believe the vanilla world will always generally view it as abuse at to some level. Would he spank me in public? Well, I think a time might arise. What would I do if some jerkoff called the police? Well, my personality is such I’d be pissed and would let the world know but… I have to remember people don’t know. If you think there is real abuse going on then I applaud you for intervening. I merely caution you not to judge if the event is something else entirely. There may be a time I deserve a harsh and very humiliating spanking in front of people. I am a willful woman.

John Patrick took quite a bit of time with my questions because he’s very organized and wants to make certain he conveys what’s in his mind. He always teases me that I’m the writer, not him, but I personally think his thoughts are well said. In reading stories on various social media sites, I am still amazed at the level of confusion. Abuse of any human being is horrific. Being in a D/s relationship is something else entirely. If you’re considering you have to know you, embrace your inner needs and be able to trust another to open up. If you do and you connect, then you know with instinct you can move forward. Just do so cautiously. There are many fakes out there – Dom wannabes who think violence is the key. No fucking way.

For those in this amazing journey I applaud you. Mine is filled with joy and self awareness. As John Patrick and I take our steps into the future we don’t take what we share lightly. We know this is something special. I hope you can say that as well.

Kisses and spanks…

Cassandre

Don’t forget I have several books out highlighting Domination and Submission in the Submitting to a Spanking and Honor and Obey Collections. The latest…

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Pictures curtesy of A Submissive’s Initiative – a place for learning safe BDSM and thank you! http://asibdsm.com

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Discipline and Domination…Talking Filth

Filth. What does the word make you think of?

Close your eyes for a few seconds and allow the word to rumble in the back of your mind. For me filth is about the kinkiest sex in the world, the kind that would make the majority of people blush. You know me as an author. I write about pretty much anything with regard to sex, kink, domination, whipping, Absolute Powervampires, weretigers, serial killers – and I mix the use of all of them all over the place. My hottest selling books involve a trilogy with a Master Dom Vampire, a hot male cop, a BDSM club and a serial killer. Go figure but it works. I hold nothing back with regard to blood, gore, violence, or sex.

Filth also means talking dirty. Some men get off on girls calling themselves whores and sluts, telling him in no uncertain terms what she’ll do for him sexually or what she hungers for him to do. John Patrick is very much like this. While he considers himself needed images to truly get him going, I can talk filth on the phone or in person and his dominating side goes to the stratosphere. What I find interesting is that a hell of a lot of people are afraid to give their significant other kinky talk. Few leave little notes asking for a hard fucking night or begging him to lick her pussy when they get home. What’s wrong with finding a tasty treat in the middle of the day? Then again you’ll have to be comfortable enough as a couple to be able to talk about anything.

John Patrick and I have some of the most interesting conversations in the world. We can and do talk about anything. What drew us together was our instant connection. He sent me a message. I thought he sounded interesting so I sent a message back. That was day one. Day two we managed to text and email. By day four we were talking on the phone. WHEW, his voice gives me chills still today. There was real ease about how we talked, what we shared right away. I can remember thinking right away I wanted to learn more. Some of you might ask – when did he or I know about our respective kinks and did we meet on a kink site? The answer is almost from the beginning. We explored a conversation early on and the site isn’t one you’d imagine serving up kink. The location was one few have heard of and I’ll keep it nameless, but the rather obscure social media has little to do with the kink world.

That being said, I didn’t hold back on my profile and allowed one picture I shared the very one I use on Facebook as Cassandre. I have a snazzy little purple flogger in my hand. Yes, you can laugh. The pic is meant more as a marketing tool for my writing and it’s not too risque, simply cute and I am totally HisI’m trying to be coy.

Well, I think that picture at least allows people to see the playful side of me and given few show real pictures of themselves on these various sites, my inhibition drew in scores of well men – a few women too. I joined the site in truth for writing and research. Who knew I’d meet someone akin to my heart. I remember our first conversation about domination and submission and I held nothing back. I answered his questions about my true interests and he did as well. When I found out his was a dominant hungering to explore more I opened up fairly easily. Do I suggest you tell all your secrets right up front? Well no, but sometimes in rare and wondrous moments you find another you can confide in.

Well, months later our conversations are almost always spicy, usually unbridled and very frank. Whether we’re talking about work, the government, stupid people, cooking a fine meal complete with wine, or the filthiest kink in the world, we hold nothing back. When I’ve been in my office I’ve had to either close my door or place my hand over my mouth so that some of the ‘choice’ words I say don’t linger into the hallway. Trust me. The folks at work think I’m weird enough as it is so I try and keep the fact I’m an erotic author away from prying eyes or ears. If they knew I was a card carrying submissive they’d lose their cookies. Yes, we talk about discipline and finding new floggers and whips. He discusses his hunger to see me dominate another woman or his latest craving, having me Dommed in front of him by another woman. You can imagine the filth that oozes past our lips.

Does that often turn us both on? You bet. During a texting fest the other day – in the middle of the work day – he told me in no uncertain terms that I would practice with a fake cock in order to truly deep throat him. Yep. THOSE kinds of conversations. Oh, there was much more to that as well but I’ll leave the concept of toys and whips to your imagination. Not only was he hard and didn’t get up from the table for a few minutes, but he asked me if I wanted to know what was funny. So naturally I said yes. He told me he was having the texting conversation with me while he was talking to a work buddy about retirement plans. Okay, I did laugh out loud. That’s how we are together.

When we’re alone the conversations become dirtier. Mmm… Getting all hot and bothered just thinking about it. What I realized is that in being so very open with each other, talking about desires and fantasies, hungers and needs, we’ve opened pretty much every Pandora’s Box there is. Do I know everything about minehim? No and he doesn’t know all of me but the layers are being peeled away. We’re also both changing as we go through this journey, allowing the exploration into the world of kink to include aspects of sexuality and passion some vanilla couples are afraid to even think about.

For some reason the conservative society has troubles talking about sex – let alone the world of kink. They certainly don’t mind grabbing a HOT erotic book, one that holds nothing about with words like cock, pussy, flogging, ménage, anal sex – but try and utter the words would be akin to burning at the stake. Few girlfriends talk about sexual escapades in vivid detail. I’ve come to learn from John Patrick that men rarely go further in conversations about sex other than comments like ‘she has a nice rack’. I know ladies. You would have thought otherwise. Men are far more conservative than women but then again, when was the last time you told your bestie your got fucked in the ass?

Hmm… There are times in the middle of the day I simply like sending him a text that defies all normal behavior. I love to catch him off guard, remind him I’m here to please him in every way. He responds in kind and the conversation quickly gets heated. Of course we have real life to talk about and do, but… Our ability to open up this much seems like nothing special perhaps, but what I can tell you is that our uninhibited talks led to being open sexually about D/s and BDSM – building more trust. What we share now is very special indeed yet we know the key is communication.

I woke up this morning and tweeted I had filth on my mind and I do. I have a m/m book to finish, a D/s book to edit and a ménage book to get started. So you can tell what I’m thinking about. Slide a note into your partner’s lunch bag or briefcase this coming Monday and make it sizzling. I double dare you.

Kisses and spanks…

Cassandre

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Giving a Gift of Submission

What I’ve learned in many ways is that being able to give my body and soul to a man in ways of total submission is a gift – for both of us. We are sharing something together few people ever will or can. I don’t take being in a D/s relationship lightly. What John Patrick and I experience is amazing. I started writing flash fiction pieces to reflect what he and I enjoy and the notion took off. So I wrote stories around the wonderful experiences. Flash fiction took off and they became full fledged novellas. This piece is all about giving a gift. I hope you enjoy…

HONOR AND OBEY – HER GIFT

You will obey me. You will understand my needs as well as your own. You will embrace the woman I know you crave. Release the last of your inhibitions. My Rillfuldearest, you are becoming.

The very words the amazing man had said just this morning stilled her, fueled her. Releasing the last of her inhibitions was exactly what he wanted her to do. Why was she hiding? Why was she having difficulty not only accepting but embracing her dark needs? Fear. She was afraid her finance would think badly of her and why? Not even a psychiatrist could tell her. Of that she was certain.

Jasmine Ryan flashed a look of defiance. As she thought about Zach, the man of her dreams, she shivered. Then she wiggled and a trickle of pain skated down the back of her legs. My God she’d been misbehaving lately, acting out in several uncontrollable fashions. The word ‘spanking’ seemed first and foremost in her vocabulary as well as his. Discipline. Training. They were right there in the top three.

You’re very willful lately. I don’t know what’s gotten into you. I’m honestly unsure of what’s going on, but I’m here to help you, guide you and simply love you. I hope you know that.

Yes, she did. The thought was simple. Zach Warner was a dominating man, one she respected more than most, but she was having trouble obeying. Misbehaving seemed to be the top item on her already full agenda. For a few seconds she thought about the look of disappointment on his face the moment before he pointed to the bed only two nights before. His words lingered in the back of her mind.

Undress and lie across the pillows. I can tell I need to provide you with more guidance.

Yes sir. Gulping, she’d removed her dress and panties, her entire body shaking as she crawled onto the bed, positioning her stomach over the mound of cotton and foam. She’d closed her eyes, lifted her arms over her head and tried not to hone in on the sound as Zach unfastened his belt buckle. She clenched her ass cheeks just thinking about the hard strikes

Crack!

“Shit!” Jasmine jumped then burst out laughing.

“You okay?” The voice was filled with concern.

She tried to figure out how to answer her best friend, Gracie, the one who had no idea about her ‘other’ life. “Fine.”

“Uh-huh. That’s four ‘fine’s’ I’ve gotten from you today.” Gracie gave her a look of disdain. By the way, Miss Testy, you look fucking amazing,”

“I’m not fucking testy!” But she knew she was.

“Whatever has gotten into you, think you need to chill, chickie. We’re going drinking after this. Drinking and ogling men. That’s exactly what you need.”

Drinking. Ogling men? No man would ever measure up to Zach. Yeah, just what she needed to do, liquor it up. Then again, maybe she’d have a better attitude. Between the tough schedule at work and the increased tension with Zach, she was ready for a LONG vacation. Yep, she was definitely on edge. Jasmine sighed, patted her tummy, wrinkled her nose and sucked in her breath. Twisting from side to side she studied her reflection, the almost too perfect white dress, the very one her mother had selected. Suddenly she was sick to her stomach. Raising her middle finger she snorted and glared at her bestie, the one who not only liked but encouraged all the pomp and circumstance of the white wedding. She hadn’t been So sexya virgin since fifteen and the thought of anything pure, trendy, fashionable and family friendly at this moment gave her an intense series of shivers. “Fuck this shit.”

“What is wrong with you?” Gracie hissed through clenched teeth as she raised her eyebrow. “You’ve been surly and nasty all day. Honest to God, this is supposed to be the happiest time of your life and you act like you’re going to several funerals.”

“Bullshit.”

“Case in point.”’

“Fine,” Jasmine tossed her head back. Yeah, Gracie was right. Why? Why? You know exactly why. Get a grip and face your fears. There was no way to hide from the woman inside, the one who’d been fantasizing, not sleeping. The one who was able to face the increasing anxiety.

Gracie folded her arms. “There you go again, another fine. Fess up. What’s going on? What’s wrong? You’re having second thoughts? You’re not into getting married? What?”

Tick. Tock.

“Do I need to repeat myself?” Gracie said as she huffed.

“What the hell could be wrong? I’m in a tuttie-fruitie white dress, ready to have some minister perform a marriage and endure what will have to be the worst food in the history of my life in front of people I could give a shit about. I won’t remember the day cause I’ll be drinking like a fish and afterwards everyone will anticipate Zach and I will buy the perfect house, the perfect Golden Retriever and spit out babies in less than a year. And you actually have the audacity to ask me what’s wrong?”

“Okay. That’s sounds sucky as shit.”

“Exactly.” One more look into the oversized mirror gave Jasmine the confidence she needed. The frumpy dress was bullshit. The wedding designed by her mother was… She couldn’t even say the words. Jerking the hem of her dress up she moved toward the edge of the platform, suffocation setting in. Zach would understand.

“Where are you going?” Gracie laughed as she held out another dress. “Fine. I think that’s the freaking word of the day. Now I know its time for an entire batch of margaritas. And we can ogle thirty men too. I think you need a wicked girl’s night out. We have no one to tell us what to do and an entire afternoon ahead of us. Let’s get busy. Please tell me you’re game?”

“I’m game.” Tugging out her phone, she pulled up her text window and could feel Gracie’s eyes watching her intently. Try on another ugly bit of lace? Jesus Christ it was hot as Hades in the place. “I’ll be right there. Geez.”

Huffing, Gracie took a few steps away, but kept her eyes on Jasmine.

– I’m leaving the dress shop in a few minutes, Sir. Going with Gracie to get a Her-Gift-meddrink– When she hit send she shook her head. Something had to give. She was nervous, worried. Hell, Maybe she was frightened. The moment she stepped off the platform, a glimpse of the street outside the wedding shop, one of people laughing as they shopped on the beautiful day, she smiled.

As she thought about Zach, Sir Zach, the single man she’d been able to open up with and completely let go all of her fears and worries, she realized she couldn’t go through with the wedding. Of course she loved Zach with all of her heart. The bond they were going to share would be completely as a couple joined, but not in holy matrimony. At least not in the way vanilla couples thought of or believed in. Her mother would throw a fit but the catered event at the poshest hotel in all of Richmond Virginia just wasn’t going to happen.

“Are you okay or do I need to find a hunky fireman to save your sassy ass?”

“Not enough of a man.”

“Oh listen to you, Miss Bitchy Pants. Try this last one on and we’ll call it quits.”

Thank God for Gracie. The rather over opinionated girl was her BFF and knew almost everything about her. Almost. She dragged the poofy white dress back through the swinging doors and into the dressing room. Gracie had no idea what kind of lifestyle Jasmine had agreed to only about two months before. She pressed her hand over the thick woven silver chain, a ragged breath escaping her lips. There was never a day she went anywhere without the gorgeous piece, a connection that grounded her. Zach was her lover, her friend and the man she hoped to spend the rest of her life with. He was also her Dom and she was going to be a collared woman. And not a single friend or family member knew that she was a happy submissive – not even Gracie. Why was she keeping a mask of normalcy, one laced in vanilla, firmly wrapped around her face? Why did she care what anyone thought about her love and her need to submit completely and fully to Zach?

She sniffed as she reached over her shoulders and struggled to release the top button of the ugly dress. Iridescent taffeta wasn’t her bag, never had been. For some reason she’d allowed the love of her aging mother to convince her having a white wedding was the way to go. After four failed engagements in her tenure of life, her mother was convinced there would never be any grandchildren. Sadly, she didn’t want kids. Her clock just wasn’t ticking. Beads of real sweat, not perspiration, trickled down the back of her neck.

There was no way she could go through with the event. No way. She wasn’t being true to herself or her Dom. Zach was a sweetheart in allowing her to handle the union however she wanted. This wasn’t it. And today? She was going to become the strong woman she already was in business, the one who could rip the heads off anyone opposing her. Jasmine was going to suck it up and tell Gracie about her life, her real life. Okay a first start but a good one.

In about two minutes she had the dress off and her clothes back on. Yes, the scarlet dress, the very one Zach had purchased just days before, hugged every curve, accentuating her full breasts and long legs. Licking her lips, she played to the mirror for about two seconds before giving herself the finger. For pretty much her entire life she’d hated looking at the woman staring back at her. For some reason today, things seemed different. This time as she twisted and turned, eyeing her figure, the way the dress sculpted around her thin waist and full hips, she sighed. Yeah, you look good, damn good. Zach seemed to adore everything about her. For a few seconds she thought about him, the stunning six foot five inch gorgeous guy, and inhaled deeply. For a few seconds she indulged, imaging his scent. He always had an incredible fragrance that was so musky, so masculine. Her fingers brushed across her lips and she could almost smell him, the rich testosterone. He was all male. He was a damn good disciplinarian too. Swaying her hips back and forth she eased her hand back, rubbing her ass, the one he’d spanked just that very morning.

I so hope you enjoyed a taste…

Kisses and spanks

Cassandre

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