I had a long chat with John Patrick today and as you’ve heard me say many times, he and I can talk about anything. We hold nothing back. Well, that’s true until recently. We were having a very pointed conversation about my writing. I value his advice tremendously and I’m at a crossroads with what I’m doing and where I’m going with writing and books that don’t seem to be selling as well as I think they should. This is another blog entirely, but what he said to me was surprising. He said for the very first time I was holding back, as if my writing was an area that had boundaries. Me being the good submissive I am (evil grin) I reminded him that as a submissive, holding back or pushing him away from any topic wasn’t allowed.
Being the profound man, and one that truly has such tremendous wisdom, he said very honestly something vital I think to all D/s relationships. He stated that having the power of control over another doesn’t mean using that power indiscriminately and being all powerful at all times. The key is knowing when and how to use that power in whatever measured way the situation dictates. The gift is something he takes and uses with responsibility and thought. Meaning, he realizes writing is a HUGE and very deep passion and he’s going to figure out when to nurture and when to kick me in the ass – but with intelligence, love and respect. There couldn’t be anything better said to me. I want nothing more than to open up about what I didn’t realize initially was an aspect of my life I held close to my breast.
We were talking about his voice in my blogs and the certain questions I’m asked by readers from time to time. John Patrick is a very formidable man in many ways, but he’s not the kind to seek notoriety or have to be the center of attention. He’s a quiet and thoughtful man who enters a room and observes before making any comments. However, he certainly enjoys the fact my readers want to hear from him. In our conversation today, we captured on the fact few Dom’s are represented in very many blogs – whether their own or a part of a submissive’s blog. They simply aren’t heard from. That’s why I receive so many comments from readers who absolutely love hearing his actual words, not ones I place parameters around.
I’ve had questions from women who either were just beginning their journey as a submissive or early in their new lifestyle regarding their Dom’s. Often they wonder what advice I could give their Dom or vanilla husbands about what to read or how to consider the lifestyle. I’ve said many times that communication is the key – and the very first aspect of getting into any alternative life. You have to talk. Men have a tough time doing just this. They have such trouble talking about their feelings. Am I right ladies?
Men seem to hold their thoughts, emotions and feelings in and while they’ll tell you they really don’t think like we do, they certainly feel sadness, angst or terror the same way. They simply don’t feel like they can express their needs/emotions or are worried they’ll be ridiculed. And yes – ladies we do that to our guys. We also want them to be the strong, he-man types and for some ridiculous reason, society also places men on this upper realm as well. They are supposed to be solid, never shed a tear, fight fires and kill masked men with a single blow. Right? Okay hogwash and bullshit – well at least all of the time (another evil snicker). Men are just as touchy feely as we are, yet they place their own boundaries around their manhood. They hunger to talk and share, worry how or where to and if they can trust.
John Patrick is a complex man in some ways, very simple in others. He’ll tell you he’s very simple in his needs and desires. Yes, a wonderful conversation, heavy metal music, a glass or five of wine and making a spicy dinner together and he’s happy as can be. BUT… for all his vanilla side – the one that’s all about kisses and passion, wineries and intense conversation, the man has a darker side, one with needs bordering on what some would call heinous, dangerous. He certainly can’t talk to his buddies about taking me down to the basement and whipping me.
Imagine a Sunday afternoon drinking beer and smoking cigars. Perhaps he’d just casually bring up the topic of purchasing a new flogger along with some marine grade rope over the weekend. Then he’d slip in the fact he was going to punish his submissive severely for breaching an infraction. Well… You might think the guys would grunt, lift their beer in glowing admiration and bellow to obtain their own submissive. Eh – doesn’t work like that in the realm of guys, period, let alone talking about heady kink. Really, men don’t bring sex and escapades up on a normal basis. Women are far more open and brag a hell of a lot. Whether a lie or the truth, women do talk more.
But…communication, remember? Yes, every Dom and submissive absolutely has to talk and a hell of a lot, but there are so many things that a Dom can learn or enjoy hearing about or just long to share by talking to other men. Whether you’re a practiced Dom who’s been in the lifestyle for decades or one merely starting the journey, there’s much to be gained by just talking. But guys won’t allow their guard down very often. For some reason – just my opinion based on talking and listening – men think they’re supposed to know all this stuff about being a good Dom. They honestly have the thought that the concept of control and respect, trust and training should come easy for them. Really? What textbook did you pick this out of?
Granted, I’ve told you a few times men are bred to be hunters and gatherers, but nowhere in the resume of a solid he-man type is there the passage ‘knows all things about being a Dom’. Nope.
Men need to be able to share their thoughts – without reservation of the worries of having to be something they are unsure of. Talking to other men, other Dom’s is a vital way of men being able to share the amazing journey without certain worries. Why don’t they reach out more often? Again, worry about what others will think as well as not knowing where to start, what questions to ask. I know with John Patrick, he longs to talk with another Dom’s and I encourage him to do so. What I think is almost sad is that finding a ‘friend’ to talk to in this manner has proven to be difficult. But just like any other aspect of life that we enjoy, desire to learn more about or strive to excel in, our alternative lifestyle should be no different. Like talking sports or car’s or whatever, having friends and acquaintances to talk with makes it a much more enriching and enjoyable experience. With men not opening up easily and the fact there are a hell of a lot of flakes out there in the lifestyle, men try and if they fail once – making those wrong choices – they tend to yank back every emotion, their trust factor even in themselves waning.
I know with what John Patrick has told me, the discussions we’ve had, he’d get so much out of sharing discussions with other Dom’s. He’s a one on one kind of guy so this isn’t about sitting around a poker game, bourbon and cigars in hand, and commiserating about the latest escapades with
their slave or submissive. Talking is about sharing ideas, concerns, asking questions, wondering about kink events or whether a particular website has anything to offer. In other words just being friends – with a twist to the normal vanilla relationship.
There are so many positive aspects to this, few negatives – except men open themselves up to someone they perhaps don’t know much about. This happens every day when we meet new people doesn’t it? What’s the difference? Baring your soul. My advice for every man either thinking about or entering into a D/s, M/s or DD relationship to reach out to others. Read everything out there, join social media sites such as Fetlife and try and talk to others. No one knows everything about D/s and there are no rulebooks. Talking is nothing more than sharing. Ladies, submissives, girlfriends and wives – don’t you want your man to communicate, talk to you about anything, share feelings and emotions like they never have been able to before? I know the answer… Then allow them to. Encourage not only the time but also the concept.
John Patrick would love to talk and share with either Dom’s or submissives so let me know if you’d like to. Happy to share his email.
Kisses and spanks…