I’m often asked how I knew I was submissive and when did I admit and to whom. I had a wonderful reader ask me a great question as well. He mentioned his wife had recently revealed she desires to become a submissive and at this point has been only able to act on the admittance in the bedroom. Once play is over, she goes back to her more assertive state. I think this happens quite often, especially in the beginning stages. Even I revert to the very assertive girl with my family and friends. Only with John Patrick am I truly submissive, giving him full control. The reader asked for my advice and in truth, this is a very personal experience for both the Dom and the submissive. There are no easy answers except in my opinion – keep in mind I’m no expert – for two that are fairly simple in saying. You have to have very open and extremely honest communication and you have to realize this is a journey, not a sprint. Meaning this is just the beginning and a lot of time will transpire.
Being very open and communicating often is truly the key in becoming closer as a couple. This, of course, is good advice for any kind of relationship but in D/s, you have to be sometimes painfully open. You have to leave all your inhibitions about yourself in the past and begin again. For me, this admittance came over a series of months. I didn’t say anything to anyone. I had all those worries and fears that you can imagine as well as the basic questions. Am I weird? Is there something wrong with me? How will my friends and family react? I’m not suggesting that everyone around me knows about this side of me today. In truth, those at my work already freak out a little bit I write erotic books. Add this to the mix and I honestly think I might be burned at the stake.
However, in the three years or so since I made the initial admittance to myself, I’ve changed a lot as a woman. I’ve grown in many ways, including freeing the inner girl. I’ve been able to admit things, forgive myself for others and finally embrace the person I now know was always buried inside. Was I always a submissive? I suspect from very early on yes. I can remember my earliest relationships and now know why they just didn’t work. I think I found pretty much every passive man who existed, the kind who were wonderful buddies, but couldn’t and wouldn’t take control. They were also shorter than me and very much I was the assertive/aggressive in the relationship. I think that’s what I thought I should have. There are various reasons that I don’t get into but my childhood profoundly affected my choices.
For a couple having lived a fairly vanilla life before either his or her admittance, communication might have been stilted, difficult at best. As you move through the various stages of your journey together, talking becomes vital. John Patrick often comments that he and I can talk about anything and everything. Yes, we do. We broach subjects that others would find perhaps even sick, but we need to learn and understand our respective parameters. I value everything he shares with me. I learn from his words of wisdom and yes his guidance.
Once you begin to talk, sharing feelings and fears, then you’re both going to want to learn more, talk with other couples in the lifestyle. Again, there are no rulebooks but hearing from others is vital and may help ease trepidation. There is no perfect way to move through the different phases and there will be various steps and leaps along the way. There are fabulous blogs and other websites that give you real advice from very personal experiences. That’s really how John Patrick and I learned more – mostly to confirm while we’re weird, we’re not that ‘weird’. I say this tongue in cheek. What you share together and enjoy is NEVER weird.
For John Patrick and I, he knew from the get go I was and continue to be a very assertive woman in my day life. I’m a take charge gal in every aspect of my persona as well as my personality. Do my two personalities clash? Well, not as much as they used to. Months ago I mentioned to John Patrick that I felt I needed a bridge between the vanilla girl and the submissive. He purchased what some would call a day collar – a lovely sterling silver choker representing his ownership and domination over me. No, he hasn’t officially collared me, but this symbol is powerful still. I can simply touch the necklace and feel connected to him as well as the act calms me, reminds me that I belong to him. Sounds very simplistic indeed but it worked for us. What I realized only recently is that moving from one stage to the other isn’t as difficult as it once was. Even though there is distance between us and we don’t get to physically see each other all the time, the connections remain strong, building our relationship to a heightened level every day. I know he’s my Dom. I have given him control.
What you also have to determine between you is if this is a lifestyle change or merely a bedroom switch. If she wants to be tied up and spanked in the bedroom, then shifts to the aggressive woman in every other way, you have to talk. She may seem unsure or find it difficult to figure out. That’s okay. Time. Remember? Often times this is the beginning. For many couples this isn’t too weird – not really anyway. They can allow themselves to share something a bit kinky without admitting their inner needs. In other words the door is being opened slowly. Allow. Embrace. Enjoy.
What Dom’s tend to forget, and one reason I think having John Patrick’s voice is so vital, is that for the man, moving into becoming a Dom is a very personal experience as well. A man whose been in a vanilla relationship is not going to suddenly wake up one day and be able to embrace all the various aspects of becoming a Dom. Not possible. Men have to reflect on their needs and desires, thoughts about what is important if and when they move into more of a D/s style relationship. I think men assume they understand the controlling role. While John Patrick realized he was a very controlling person – at least with aspects of items he could control such as work, bills, etc. – he was taught equality in a relationship. Society if nothing else is all over equality.
How in the world is a man supposed to be able to know how much control is just right versus going over the line? Talking, talking, communicating, reading, reflecting often. Men don’t generally open up that easily and talk about their feelings. If you haven’t been able to talk to your significant other that easily about your vanilla life, opening Pandora’s Box is going to be tough. I have often suggested that John Patrick reach out to another Dom, one where he has other aspects in common with, and just talk.
Can you see a thread in this blog? Communication. Easier said than done many times in our lives, but this is the most vital piece. Talking honestly will bring about trust and aid in the ability to take steps forward. Enjoy this amazing ride – together. Things are going to change along the way. The journey is fraught with aspects of worry and fear, but the joy far outweighs any angst. I hope you’ve enjoyed.
Kisses and spanks…