It’s a heady concept – these three little words. Do you know what they mean? Well, in truth they can mean many things to each individual whether in your own life or as a part of a relationship. In a vanilla relationship they may mean something like admitting you’re in a partnership and have to give and take in order to keep the peace in the household. Accepting might mean realizing the fact that the two of you are and have differences and hopefully embracing these as you grow into a partnership. Submitting might be the one word you both push and pull with. Why would you submit to your partner in any fashion given that you’re in a shared relationship? Sounds horrible, doesn’t it? Well, after having experienced many partnerships in business and pleasure, you do submit, including giving up certain ideals and aspects of you all the time. You allow the other person to win or to have their say or to decide. Don’t you?
In a D/s relationship, the dynamics change significantly. While there might be a partnership, including a contract sometimes between both parties, there is one person who truly rules — this of course being the Dom or Domme. For many people who are in a traditional vanilla relationship, the concept of allowing another to control either certain levels or every single aspect of their life is not only daunting but also blasphemous. Right? I disagree. Let’s face it – power play is nothing new whether in war or peaceful times. From corporation takeovers to wars, vying to be top dog is innate within all of us. All through history and within every culture there is a hierarchy of standards and expectations, including domestic relations. In Christianity, being the Head of Household and using Domestic Discipline was regular practice and continues in many cultures today. Why does it seem so odd to us in modern society? That’s an entire blog all of its own.
In the D/s relationship, the understanding is clear. He or she does rule. Period. What I’m talking about isn’t sometimes what you read in books about BDSM where you see spanking benches and flogging tables – although aspects of BDSM certainly can enter into the shared intimacies. I’m talking about a complete and utter emotional, spiritual and physical control of one over another. I’ve had many frank discussions during my growth as a writer with practicing Dom’s, who have given me a very frank and revealing insight into their lives and for many of us, the practice is too much. I realized, as I continued to write several BDSM pieces, that there is little of the emotional side truly presented in many of the pieces. While they sometimes expertly talk about the dynamics of pain and pleasure, the emotions of how they got there are not represented. I had a fellow writer tell me this included MY pieces. Thank you very much Benjamin Russell – but he’s right. So many of us go down the path of least resistance toward the sexual representations because delving into the emotional side is in truth draining.
I value certain friends and writers with their thoughts and understanding and have shared but my personal views about a D/s relationship and my professional with regard to writing with several. The conversations have been enlightening, heated, telling and very frank and I applaud several writers who have helped me along my journey. And that’s what the consideration is – a journey. In the piece I will have coming out called On Becoming His, I tell the story of a woman’s emotional journey as she finally admits to herself that she’s wanted a true D/s scenario her entire life. She’d longed to submit, both body and soul, to a man who will love her, respect her, train her and control her – completely. Her entire life has been about controlling others and for her it’s all been a façade.
As you can well imagine, not only admitting and accepting the fact within yourself is difficult but imagine trying to tell someone else – your family and friends – that this is honestly what you have to have in your life. We’re not talking about moving into a little kinky sex. This is about a complete and total lifestyle change. This is about her Sir (as I call him) absolutely in control of her being, her sex, her needs and her wants. She will do as he says and please him in every method HE deems necessary. Before you run away screaming, of course the two individuals have talked and discussed and been open and frank and understanding for what should be a very long time before even considering moving into something so intense, so passionate and yet so controlling. This is a mind, body and soul altering experience and if you aren’t a strong individual this is not for you. Why do I say that? Because being either a Dom or a sub is very powerful and it’s very emotional and both parties have to understand every aspect in order for the relationship to work. I truly believe this is much stronger than marriage.
My good friend and fellow writer, ER Pierce, wrote a blog that inspired me and I completely suggest you take the time to read it. The telling and brilliantly written piece is based on trust. Trust is not only vital but a delicate representation of the lifestyle. How in the world can we trust so completely to open up to another and be as vulnerable? That’s a very difficult and daunting question for most. Please take a look and comment. I honestly thing ER has really brought out some excellent points and ones that have to be considered carefully and thank you so much for penning it.
For me, I’ve been asked time and time again – why would a strong woman, who others see as a Domme, want to enter into this type of relationship. This is a tough question. I’ve had very frank discussions with fellow author Benjamin Russell, who is a talented writer and an incredible man who I am lucky to call a friend. His is a natural Dom, although he came into the understanding later in his life as I did in the fact I’m a sub. We have gone back and forth about trust and control and how I could possibly want this and why he does. I have certain insights but his perspective is so very incredible, I’ve asked him to give us a portion of his reasons why he not only is beginning to accept the fact he’s a Dom but also needs to explore these options here… Ben?
Cass, thanks for giving me an opportunity to expouse on this subject here on your Blog. However, before I begin, I want to thank a few fellow authors for indulging my curiosity and engaging me in some stimulating conversations on this D/s topic. I’d like to thank Michelle Chatton, E.R. Pierce and Tessa Walton for their feedback and insights. Readers can click on the embedded links in their names to LIKE them on FaceBook.
Ok, here we go. My head has been all over the place on this topic and it has been a roller coaster journey for me to reach the point I’m at now. However, in the end, I’ve come to the conclusion that we all have to be true to our nature, if we ever want to be happy in life. Now let me try to briefly explain what I mean by that statement.
I believe the majority of us want, no – need to have someone in our lives who we can trust – implicitly. Someone who we know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, we can tell them our deepest, darkest secrets and desires without fear of betrayal or ridicule. In my opinion, that is a fundamental wish/hope/dream we all have for a relationship with a significant other. A D/s relationship is built upon trust, without trust – a healthy D/s relationship, that doesn’t use fear as the motivator can’t exist, it will crumble and fail. For this reason, I am personally being drawn to the D/s lifestyle the way bees flock to honey. I want to trust someone with all of me, the good and the oh so bad.
Now, I also believe, either as a result of nature or nurture, those of us who are considering the D/s lifestyle, we are pre-disposed to either the ‘D’ or the ‘s’ role. I have been asking the question “why”, but in truth – I don’t think there is a real “why”. For me, it just feels right. I’ve tried to rationalize it and explain it to myself and it was driving me crazy. All I know is that the more I learn, the more right it feels. Now I’m wondering what the hell took me so long to figure it out.
I think we all have to be true to our nature and not afraid of what other people might think. Emotions and feeling are the hardest thing to explain, but when something makes you feel better about yourself and your life – then it’s time to stop questioning the “why”.
Cassandre’s new book, that I’ve had the pleasure of beta reading, is about the “why”. It is thoughtful, not to mention sexy and I think it’s going to become the primer, must read for any natural submissive seriously thinking about a D/s relationship.
Thank you so much, Benjamin. I love so many things about this man but his frankness and honesty is the first. Hmmm – see why I wanted Benjamin’s perspective on this? He has truly made me think all the way through the process by asking questions that have been thought provoking, honest and very straight forward and I think the very raw feelings of sharing the journey so to speak in words will come through in the piece. His natural Dom tendencies are changing and evolving and that’s what should happen. Benjamin has to think and feel and share in order to find and appreciate the deep-seeded needs inside. He continues to ask me the question – why? Initially I couldn’t really explain fully. In On Becoming His, my Dom in the piece asks her to keep a journal of her thoughts and emotions and fears and comments about the lifestyle. He refuses to enter into the life altering relationship without her fully understanding and accepting the why. Let’s see what her thoughts are on this.
Why do you want to become a sub? Because I know in myself I haven’t been happy taking control of every aspect in my life. While initially I thought this was about control in the bedroom, I know now in truth I have always craved a stronger man and one who had the reins. While I may never be able to explain every why, this is second nature to be almost like breathing or knowing I never wanted children. This is simply a part of me I’ve been denying for the majority of my life. Now I know when I was younger I looked for something controlling and found myself in rather precarious relationships with the wrong kind of men, men who could hurt me both physically and mentally and finally I met a nice guy and thought that’s what I was supposed to do – meet a nice man and fall in love. Perhaps I did to some degree but the honest truth is I loved but wasn’t in love because I was denying a significant portion of myself and my needs. And before you ask why, there is no doubt I was afraid not only of admitting to a partner but to myself. Does this make me a lesser person? No. This makes me a much stronger woman and a better life partner knowing what I need and what I’m willing to give up for a life I’ve always craved.
Why do you want to be my sub? Because when I met you I knew for the first time in my life I could honestly trust a man with the truth about myself and allow him in so deeply he knew every nuance and every dream. I know when I look into your eyes I can trust you without a shadow of a doubt. I have often called the way I feel about you as seeing the measure of the man. It’s the single aspect of knowing you are the only one who knows me better than I know myself. While you’re not perfect, you embody the soul and heart and power of the one man I’ve longed to find. I respect you. I adore you. I admire you. I love you unconditionally and I want to serve you in all things in my life.
I’ve had enough relationships to know the difference, at least in my heart I believe I do. I’m a strong willed woman and one who knows what she wants, at least in most aspects of my life. While I will never be able to be controlled to the point of being what some woman call a doormat (a life I refuse to live), I know you’ll respect me as a woman with her own life and needs while helping me understand how to please and service you. I have no shame in knowing I will please you, serve you and in a sense be at your beckon call. I take joy and pride in the fact I am willing to engage in such a dynamic relationship with a man and one I hold so dear in my heart. You complete a part of me I have longed to find and continued to search for in a myriad of failed relationships and difficult intimacies. I simply turned off the woman inside, dead to the majority of feelings and outer stimuli. The very first time I met you I was empowered with such a freeing feeling I was overjoyed and in tears. This is what I want without a shadow of a doubt.
Is it telling of me? Perhaps it is and I think it’ll make me a better writer in the genre going through the complete emotional telling of her journey from the admittance to becoming his. Trust and control go hand in hand and we as humans don’t give over control very easily. You have to go deep inside yourself to find the person you want to be and what you are willing to allow. It’s not an easy decision for either party and especially if you have been living a vanilla lifestyle. To answer ER’s question, do I think this utter and very incredible and freeing kind of trust exists? I do. BUT… first you have to know you, admit to you and learn and grow for you and because of you. Then the trust when you find the right man or woman is incredible. Can you as a couple, who have been together for awhile grow into this? Some can and some can’t. As in every relationship there are differences and changes needed. You have to ask yourself some questions…
Could you? Will you? Do you have to have? If you can answer honestly then you already know.
I hope you’ve enjoyed and take a moment to think about the inner person living inside of you. Allowing someone else to take over or allowing yourself to be the Dom isn’t as far off perhaps as you think.