In continuing my learning and blog experience about moving into and sharing the D/s lifestyle, we’ve talked quite a bit about the mentality and psychological aspects of the journey. There are so many phases from minute one including trust and understanding, the ability to admit to yourself, the more difficult admittance to you partner, patience, learning, communicating, and many others. They are truly powerful and of course the mind over matter aspects is completely true here. You have to trust and admit this need – not just desire – to yourself first, understanding an allowing yourself freedom. Then, as you are on the road to exploring outside of yourself, you begin the process of talking with the one you hope to share this with or perhaps begin seeking out a partner.
Once this has been completed and you begin exploring and learning together, there may be aspects the Domination and submission aspect that have to do with the physicality aspect of your relationship. What do I mean by that? First of all, Domination and submission means just that – one person is the dominating faction while the other takes the submissive role. This is certainly played out in matters of control and generally with the mind. I’ve mentioned BDSM isn’t always a part of D/s relationships, but generally punishment is. In those methods of discipline some is about inflicting pain. Let’s face it, being disciplined is not meant to me pleasant. Forms of spanking are used.
What I think so many of us don’t understand is that pain is a form of letting go. The admittance you want to submit to anyone and to be disciplined is in itself a very uninhibited moment, an intense sharing with your partner. For those of you in a more vanilla relationship, I’m honestly not talking about light spankings over the knee or perhaps the feel of a flogger you can purchase in your local sex shop. For the couple truly and more heavily involved in the lifestyle itself, punishment, both the act and technique, is taken very seriously.
Many of you have heard me talk about a Dom I have been lucky enough over the past two years to have multiple discussions with. He is an older gentlemen, gentle by nature on the outward surfaces, and was trained by some serious disciples of the art in the Far East many years ago. He studied with a Master who had several slaves and experience first hand training on the polished techniques of punishment. As he mentioned to me before, he could inflict more pain with a subtle tilt of his hand than most men can with all of their brawn. He’s not a large man by stature, but what he has demonstrated for and on me has been, well painful. He simply touched and moved my hand in a slight manner and I was in total agony. Don’t worry, he wasn’t trying to hurt me, simply showing me that muscle strength has nothing to do with the ability to hurt.
We talked about the methodologies used in the Far East and believe me when I tell you, from the stories I heard, I was left breathless and frightened just hearing about what he was taught. For many who have been involved for years, the very aspects would be too much, too severe and yet he reminded me, they are used in ways that are with extensive training.
He talked to me about how freeing most submissives thought it was when pain was administered. Then he told me that part of the problem with some Dom’s is that they don’t know when to stop, when the use of either a whip or wooden paddle would push the submissive to the point of harm, not hurt. I questioned what he meant and he stood in front of me, his face very serious and told me if I ever agreed to submit to him – of course my choice – he WOULD hurt me but not harm me. Simply put, the pain endured would leave bruises, welts and marks for possibly days, but that he wouldn’t inflict any permanent damage to my body. I had to think about his words and they chilled me.
We discussed pain aspects for a very long time. He mentioned he uses pain as a method of punishment yes, and also as something both he craves in a form of S & M play as well as his slave does. He enjoyed pushing his slaves with every session a solid ten percent more she thinks she can take. BUT…he is very careful about skin tone and how the skin reacts to being punished or being whipped and stops at the appropriate time. I found that very aspect fascinating to me. What he really spent time on talking with me about was the letting go portion for a slave. They are giving their Master or Dom the power exchange to punish as they feel the slave needs and to enjoy the pain and pleasure aspect of a relationship. There are many ways the submissive/slave can let go but try and imagine being completely naked and vulnerable for you Dom or Master, whether tied down or told not to move (and trust me your body moves involuntarily but the control of being able to keep your hands away and your body in a prone position is – whew), the very concept is daunting. It’s also very freeing.
Perhaps in books you’ve heard the described the sound of whooshing when the leather strands of a whip hit the floor, or maybe the thudding sound of a paddle hitting the top of a bed in anticipation of the submissive being whipped. Well, the very sounds give for me heebie jeebies. And…more. The excitement and anticipation is utterly incredible.
This Master took me through all the mental phases of questions the slave would ask (trust me I did), the worry factor (oh I felt it) and finally the submission phase. I placed myself in a slave’s shoes and in truth, one can’t imagine the concept of pain until like this until you feel it. And being whipped by a Master who knows what he’s doing is nothing like being spanked by a lover. The intensity is off the charts. The moment can reduce you down to tears and begging quickly. For some, however, the letting go aspect is so totally freeing they are driven to orgasm. The letting go is by far the most extreme. All I can say is for those of us who write in this genre, you have no real idea unless…
Pain and pleasure isn’t a new concept and letting go is vital in these kinds of relationships. The Master needs to push his slave’s limits, test her wills in a way and yes, he does enjoy inflicting controlled pain. Is he a sadist? No, I don’t believe so. Does he crave inflicting pain? Yes, no doubt. The pain is…anguish and yet so very intense. Something to think about and realize on both sides. The Dom or Master has to take this seriously and be trained. The submissive has to let go and trust. The complexity is amazing. What do you think? Not to be entered into lightly, I assure you.