Betrayal. That’s an ugly word no matter how you say it, the inflections used or the different dictionary you look in to find the definition. The word alone can bring about conflicted and very raw emotions that are sometimes so powerful they bring everyone to their knees, force a long distance move or a revenge mode to be set in place. People deal with betrayal differently but whether you embrace sadness or rage, this is something you’ll never forget. Trust is huge within the BDSM world and involves generally every aspect of the relationships. There’s not only trust within you and your partner, but also an unsaid but demanded trust – a tremendous bond within the actual BDSM community. You don’t touch unless you are invited. Period. That’s a basic line in the sand. There are many opportunities to share – as long as there is a clear invitation.
When one part of the D/s couple feels betrayed there’s a sense of loss, a breakdown of everything you’ve shared together. I continue to read the most profound and stilling words written by folks in the lifestyle. The passages talk of love and devotion, honesty and need. The submissive needs his protection, his love and his authoritativeness. In turn he needs her devotion and obedience as well as the realization she is completely his. The dynamic is powerful, the bond shared intense and the love that develops off the charts. When either party believes the other to be untruthful, you can imagine how horrific the fear can be. Whether the submissive believes the dominant wants another or that she’s not good enough any longer, there is heartache all the way around. The Dom has very strong feelings of possession and wraps quite a bit of his self worth around the innate understanding she only needs him and his controlled domination. Hmmm… We are human and often the littlest of things begin to worry us and can quickly move into certain beliefs – whether true or not.
John Patrick and I were talking about the concept of sharing. As he tells me, it’s on his bucket list to have a third – a woman. I honestly don’t have any significant reservations about this because I trust him and I’ve always been very open sexually. Notice the word trust? But this is new for him in his mind and we’ve been talking very openly about the concept. What he did admit to me yesterday is that he could NEVER have a male third. No way. He can’t share. I simply allowed him to talk and he was very open in saying his persona, the man he is, wouldn’t feel comfortable or allow this to happen. He wants me to himself in that manner. I do understand. There of course can be a situation where the male is also submissive, but often times another Dom type personality would be there and would try perhaps to usurp authority. Imagine the mental anguish is the submissive reacts to the new dom like personality in any manner that MIGHT elude to a change in preference. Terrifying, isn’t it?
You might ask what’s the difference if a female third is brought in? Well, perhaps nothing except as a submissive, you know that pleasing your Dom sexually is a part of the equation. Please remember at all times every couple is different and every relationship is built on what the two in the party want – heavy handed perhaps to the Dom’s desires. In every relationship there has to be intense and open conversations. My bet is there will be at least one discussion on sharing. For John Patrick, I trust him already enough to share – but not right now – that’s what he said first and I agreed. Maybe in a few months. Why in a few months? What’s the difference? There is time needed to be in tune with each other so much that barely a look, the movement in the eyes can open the very door to each other’s soul. What John Patrick and I already have is more interwoven than any relationship I’ve ever had, but I admit even, I have my own trepidations as a woman. Am I pretty enough? Am I the right submissive? Can I give him everything he needs? There are heady fears. I can tell by his look, by the words he says I would be number one but… See, there’s still a but. There can’t be in my mind to proceed. The damage could be too great, the misunderstandings significant. I think that’s exactly what happened to our couple. Because of a single misunderstanding they can’t communicate at all. One party shut down completely, leaving both in a state of betrayal.
Meadow had promised to meet Jefferson at the corner bar, the one she hadn’t been to since the night… Gulping air, she walked, then stumbled toward the kitchen, slapping on the light. Suddenly the red dress she’d selected, the one that hugged every curve of her hourglass figure like a glove, seemed just about as inappropriate as could be. She snarled and pressed her hands down the front of the silky material, fighting not to rip the damn thing off of her. Visions of shredding the material with her fingers came to mind. She laughed nervously and sauntered toward the refrigerator. A glass of wine or ten was going to come in handy before she met with the…the asshole. The freaking asswipe, betraying, son of a bitch who needs to have his balls cut off with a dull butter knife. There. The thought did indeed make her feel better.
She yanked out a bottle of Pinot Grigio and tugged at the cork. Tonight, white wine would fit. If she drank even a sip of red she had a feeling she’d be pushed into her ‘angry’ mode. God knows Jefferson wouldn’t be able to handle THAT one. She snickered as she poured a hefty glass. How many nights had she thought about cutting his dick off, shoving the wrinkled piece of shit down his big mouthed throat? Too many, ala another big court case. Now she burst into laughter. She could see the filled courtroom now. Still, the shit head would have gotten his just desserts.
As she moved next to the kitchen window, staring out at the city lights, she thought about when and how the ugliness had started between them. For months they’d been blissfully happy, the move from more of a domestic discipline relationship to an incredible and freeing D/s had been blissful. She’d been able to let her guard down with him completely, telling him things about herself no person, let alone a man, had ever heard. The nights of passion had been full of ecstasy and so breathtaking she was left wet and hot for hours.
Meadow sighed and gulped her wine, palming the cool glass with the other. A single tear slipped from her eye as she thought about the very first time Jefferson had spanked her. As the salty bead trickled down her face she shook her head and closed her eyes. The moment the drop oozed onto her lip she licked it away furiously, the memory rushing into her mind.
Jefferson opened his eyes wide and remained quiet, not moving, but the look on his face was one of complete disappointment.
Meadow slapped her hand over her mouth, knowing exactly what she’d done. They had few rules up to this point, given the fact they’d only just agreed to try discipline in their relationship, beginning the power exchange they’d both talked about for a couple of months. Barely two days into their new lifestyle and she’d not only forgotten to tell him about here whereabouts for the day, but had managed to cuss him out in a blue streak to boot. He’s spanked her before, but with infrequency. Still, the times had led them to some amazing conversations, admittances. When the realization hit them both of what would help her focus, they’d been excited. His reaction indicated a severe spanking was in order.
“I’m sorry. I had a shitty day. Okay? I didn’t mean to take it out on you. I just had a shitty fucking day.” She cursed nonstop at times, something he loathed and had counseled her on more than once. Here she was digging her grave deep. VERY deep. She sighed and looked away. Another minute passed by, then a second. Say something. Say anything. Hearing nothing she tilted her head, studying his face, his intense look. He was beyond pissed this time. WHEW. In truth, she hadn’t seen him this unraveled since the very first time they’d gone out. The night had gone from frisky and funny to a screaming battle within an hour. They laughed about the incident now, but if they had been in a domestic discipline situation then, she would have been pulled over his lap, her panties ripped down around her ankles and a hard spanking issued in front of every man, woman and God himself. She shivered from the thought.
He remained quiet, his eyes never blinking. A minute later he grabbed his keys off the table. “I’m going for a drive to calm down. When I return we’re going to deal with your serious infractions. Do you understand, Meadow?”
The way he said the words alone sent chills down her and her reaction had nothing to do with fear of him. She was pissed at herself for breaking his trust. “I do, sir.” Offering up the single word of respect hadn’t come easily either. She’d never said the word ‘sir’ to anyone, including her father, before the shift into a dominating relationship. Tonight the word was said without hesitation. Jefferson certainly deserved more than just her respect. He deserved her penance.
“Are you certain of that, Meadow?”
“Yes, sir. Very much so, sir.” Meadow held her head high while inside she was shaking, trembling like a little kid standing in front of the principle. And yes she’d been in the fat man’s office in her youth more than once. With a mouth like hers, she was lucky she didn’t spend all her time in contempt of court.
He looked all the way down to her feet and back up, the gaze moving conspicuously slowly. Nodding, he simply turned and headed for the door.
When the door closed, issuing a soft click, she jumped and exhaled every breath stored in her lungs. “Shit.” Another hard slap of her hand over her mouth and she knew tonight she was going to get a whipping – a well deserved one. For a few seconds she tried to imagine what he was going to use, how many strikes he was going to give her. Up to this point he’d only taken her over his knee and used his hand, but she had a feeling tonight would be different. Tingling all over she walked to the kitchen table and pulled out a chair, easing down and resigning herself to wait.
And wait she did. After checking the clock for the third time and seeing almost forty-five minutes had passed, she was beginning to wonder if he’d gone home. He was so angry and he told her point blankly he’d never spank her when he was enraged. She so respected him for his strength, his responsibility and his handling of their flowering journey. After another five minutes she tapped her foot and tried to hold on to those feeling of respect. When another five minutes passed she sensed the old girl creeping into her system, the one that would just as easily bite his head off as obey him for anything. Meadow dropped her head into her hands and groaned.
She jerked her head up and watched as Jefferson walked in. His calm demeanor was almost startling. When he smiled at her, his eyes flashing nothing but gentleness and thoughtfulness and… Well, she almost fell out of her chair. “Hi.”
“Hi. I’m sorry I took so long. I needed time to reflect.”
“I understand.” I was a brat and you needed to figure out how to control me. The thought was true enough.
“Good.” Jefferson dropped his keys and casually walked toward her. He pulled out a chair and sat down opposite of her, taking her hands into his. “I want you to know that while I forgive you for breaking the rules and for your insolence, I’m very disappointed.”
“I know sir and I…”
He shook his head. “Ssshhh… Let me finish. I’m also not going to allow this behavior to continue. You need a strong hand and I’m going to give you one. There are few rules but I expect you to follow them. When you break a single one, I’m going to punish you. I think eventually you’ll learn. Do you understand me?”
Even the way he whispered the words, the calm and yet so authoritative manner, she was taken in, a full understanding vivid in her mind. “Yes sir.”
“Good girl.” He brought her hands to his mouth, kissing both. When he released them he sat back and smiled. “Now I want to you undress and lean over the table. I’m going to spank you with my belt tonight and I believe that will help strengthen my message. Do you understand?”
The belt? Shit. His belt? Really? Pushing back a whimper she somehow found herself nodding. Even as a child she’d never gotten a belting. Holy fuck. She resisted rolling her eyes. Maybe she did indeed need a harsh punishment. No. There was no maybe. She did.
“Yes, sir.” She rose to her feet and fumbled to remove her clothes, taking a full two minutes to manage unbuttoning her blouse. There was no way to take her eyes off of him as he stood and slowly unfastened his belt. Meadow was completely mesmerized by every movement, could smell the well-worn leather from where she stood.
“Your panties too, Meadow.”
For some reason she hadn’t realized they were still one. Every move difficult, she managed to tug the thin elastic down her hips to the floor. When she was completely naked she cringed. Now she felt like a very bad girl.
Jefferson smiled and nodded toward the table. “Lean over and grip the other side.”
She did as she was told and as what seemed like a cool breeze wafted over her naked ass she moaned out loud. This was going to freaking hurt.
Jefferson rubbed down from her neck and along her spine, ending with patting first her right butt cheek then her left. “I’m very proud of you for taking this so well.”
“Thank you, sir.”
Jolted from the memory, Meadow jumped and almost dropped her wine glass. The spanking had been the most severe of her life and she could still remember every detail, the sensations of every strike. What had remained in her mind since was how humbling the experience had made her feel. She smiled, longing to be that close with him again and realizing she truly needed a strict man and harsh discipline at times.
After taking two more gulps of her wine she looked at her watch. It was time to meet Jefferson. For a few seconds she wondered whether they could rekindle their passion as well as their controlled relationship. As she placed the wine glass on the counter she snorted. No fucking way.
Well, what do you think? What could he have done to betray her in such a manner she can no longer embrace what she obviously needs as well as wants? I guess we’re going to have to find out later…
Kisses and spanks…