Continuing in a D/s Lifestyle…Dealing with Mental Anguish

Is there anguish in a D/s relationship? Of course there is. I don’t know of any relationship in which one or the other partner doesn’t suffer from bouts of anxiety or actual moments of raw depression. I’ve talked about John Patrick’s dark sides before. He’s stifled often by what he believes to be hereditary depression. I can usually pull him out by talking to him, allowing him time to open up and share his pain, but often he retreats into long periods of self reflection. I honestly don’t believe he should suffer My Handsalone, but at times he assures me he has to process through his doubts and fears his way. That’s a tough pill for this chick to learn.

He reminds me often my big brain is my best feature as well as my worst enemy. I’ve thought about this recently with regards to my own bouts of worry and fear. I’m not unlike any other woman, who worries she’s not good enough or can’t work fast enough. Let’s face it, life is full of strife and difficulties, often crippling us into believing we aren’t who we thought we were or should be. That’s fairly normal. When these concerns grip every aspect of who we are, often dragging us into the pits of personal hell, we question everything.

Working through problems and issues as they develop can test the best of us, driving us to the breaking point. What I’ve noticed in sharing this journey with JP is that the joy is often shadowed by our worries. We’ve adjusted to the changing face of who we are, but not without reservations. Can we do this? Do we have what it takes to fight off the outside forces that seem to try at every turn to force us apart? I don’t have the answer at this moment, only a belief in our love. Tests are often. Karma is a bitch – a real bitch.

In talking with other couples, I’ve noticed one of the partners is usually darker in nature, whether because of a harmful past or growing concerns about what they’re sharing. How do you deal with this? I’m no expert in anything. I’ll never say that I am, but I do know for me, I have to find a way to express my anxiety. Women tend to cry when they’re over stressed. I know I do. I’ve cried tears to the point I find breathing difficult. Was I always this way? That’s another good question, one I’ve had to face these past few months. What I’ve come to the conclusion about is that I masked my true personality to the point I was able to abate the pain, push aside many of my fears. This isn’t necessarily a good thing. Why? Because by placing the tight mask around you, you’re able to thwart the realities of who you are.

bw in his handsYou might think, this isn’t such a bad thing, but in truth I believe it is. D/s is a very emotional journey, or as least should be in my humble opinion. You can’t learn to submit or dominate anyone without facing your greatest fears, the very person bottled up inside. Try as you may, there’s no way of hiding your true personality when you’re so open, vulnerable. Being open is the key to allowing your inner psyche to be set free. This can be said about every vanilla relationship, however how many couples do you know who will share everything with each other? You tend to keep little secrets, certainly bite your tongue when you aren’t happy about rather tiny issues that arise in the course of sharing a life together.

For me, experiencing the highs and lows in this journey with JP has brought out a very different side of both of us. I can’t say I’m thrilled all the time, given the amount of tears shed. What I can relate is that I’ve never been more open with anyone in my life, baring my inner soul. Yes, I’ve questioned lately whether this is wise, but I continually tell those considering the lifestyle this is the very thing you must do. You have to open up, shed your guilt and the aspects of your life you’ve kept locked in a box. This can be more difficult than you can imagine. I know everything about JP, or as he likes to say, I’ve learned every wart. Do I stand back and wonder whether I’m strong enough to deal with his emotions? Of course. Does he do the same? You bet.

We’re complex people, both given our respective lives and the fact we’re older, I suppose set in our ways. You learn to deal with what’s around you and when you walk a completely different path, you’re forced to face certain ugliness that can be relationship threatening. What you have to do is learn to deal with the mental anguish. This is much more powerful than any physical pain.

In previous blogs, I’ve mentioned one reason I crave his discipline is because I can rid myself of these inner, very dark fears. I let go, even for a little bit of time, my personal demons, ones threatening to rise up and grab me around the throat. Of course this is highly unconventional thinking for vanilla couples. I completely understand, but this works for many couples involved in D/s or DD. Letting go is an important part of being a submissive, but remember the Dom’s side as well. His release of pent of emotions is just as vital to the health of your relationship.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not suggesting that every couple deal with any issue in their relationship by pulling out a belt or a whip. Of course not, but for some, this is an effective method – for both.

I’ve seen JP after a round of discipline and for days he’s much more centered, grounded in his understanding as well as acceptance discipline is a practice that works for us. We’re much closer, our minds and souls in sync. This closeness spurns additional conversations that are very open, wide open in fact. He’s very open about how worried he’s become on various levels and our discussions don’t center around whether or not he’s a good Dom or I’ve the perfect submissive. We talk work, financial burdens, family issues and everything in between.

I’ve learned a hell of a lot about myself over these last few months. I know he has as well.

Is my big brain an issue? Most definitely. As creative as my imaginative mind is, myTake me Sir brain and the thoughts in my head run wild. I invent worries, which muddles my focus. I told him yesterday I was having difficulty writing about D/s on my blogs and we both pondered why. I think because I suddenly began to relate every aspect to what he and I are going through. Life is fluid, whether D/s or vanilla. That’s something I struggle to remember. As he likes to remind me, we have to take it a day at a time or his favorite expression, ‘keeping it real, babe’. He’s right of course. He grounds me with reminders as I allow his mind to soar, ask questions that would seem very odd to those sitting around a dinner table. This is just one of the reasons we connect so deeply.

So where do you go if there’s anguish in your relationship? You have to delve deep inside, into your psyche to determine why. Tougher than you might believe. I’ve come to realize I know enough about myself to create concerns, but… I’ve also accepted the woman inside. Is she perfect? Hell no. Am I the best submissive? Another resounding no, but with each day the joys outweigh the inner beast, the one scratching at the surface. Whether you’re in a vanilla relationship or one involving aspects of D/s, truly communicating is the best method of defense against the darkness threatening to steal your very soul. Send the kids to a babysitter, unplug every machine, including the television, and just talk. Most importantly, don’t lie to yourself or your partner. You’ll be surprised how enlightening the moment will be.

Thoughts for the day…

Kisses and spanks…

Cassandre.

Posted in BDSM, Domestic Discipline, Domination and submission, Spanking | Tagged , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Beware the Night…

I think everyone knows how much I adore creatures of the night. I was the kid who sat smack in front of the television watching Dark Shadows – yep dating myself. I was so young and had no idea what the reality of the show meant, but GOD I loved watching. Right then and there I had a vision of vampires. They were sexy creatures, but certainly did their share of killing – brutally I might add.

My vampire books are all about the dark curse they’re forced to endure and the hunger burdening them every day. I also mix a very sensual concept, but rest assured, the bottom line is they will hunt and slaughter as needed. I put together a sexy little collection about all things dark and dangerous. The third in the collection focuses on various beasts and our love of them. I thought I’d give you a taste. They are very short stories set in a collection, just to wet your appetite. I’m all about doing that. Enjoy and let me know what you think.

BEWARE THE NIGHT – THE HAUNTING

Dani Walker tugged the thin coat closer to her body, retying the belt. The wind was brisk, whistling in between the ugly brownstones. She had no idea why she’d decided to come into the city. The dilapidated area of Baltimore was riddled with crime, murders red moonoccurring at least once every two weeks. She slipped her hand into her coat pocket, fingering the oversized postcard. The fact she’d received the invitation in the mail, sender unknown, was exciting, perhaps too much of a draw. Her hackles should be raised, her instincts on edge. Instead, she wanted an adventure. Hell, her life was nothing but days spent in a perfunctory job, drudgery filling every free minute. Varying the normal bullshit was irresistible.

As the breeze filtered through her thin coat, she kept her fast pace, determined not to chicken out. Her normally reserved, ultra conservative exterior had been challenged – and she was up to the task. She bit back a smile as she continued her path; the sound of her heels clipping against the sidewalk sending chills trickling down her spine. Her nerves were definitely on edge. He wanted her this way. ‘He.’ An unknown fantasy man, who was now impeding her work, giving her lurid thoughts of succumbing to the darkness.

Beat me. Fuck me. Use me.

You’re my whore….

The words trickled into the back of her mind and she wanted nothing more. She was haunted by his desires as well as her own. Inhaling every rancid scent filtering into the street scene, she slipped her hand inside her dress, pinching and twisting her nipple. The pain was exquisite. “Mmm…” The moan drew attention from a group of men huddled in the shadows. Two advanced, intoxicated grins plastered on their faces.

“Back off, boys. There’s no way you can handle me.” I’m already taken.

They kept their smiles as she walked by, whistling their vapid desires.

Just ahead the traffic light turned red. A series of honks and bellows permeated the humid air. She stopped just shy of the corner, darting a look up and down both sides of the street. A single neon flashing light drew her attention, the fuchsia and electric blue bulbs the single brightness along a strip of seedy storefronts. The majority of shops were dark, several windows broken out. This wasn’t a part of the city anyone should come alone.

But she was here, drawn by a few words engraved on an invitation appearing under her door during a thunderstorm. An incessant clicking noise had forced her into the foyer. The trees bending to the wind now seemed a beckoning. As the lights had flickered once, twice, then off, she’d noticed the red envelope. The memory of the night remained, burning in the back of her mind. She’d been lured to the door by the scarlet color alone. Her fingers had fumbled, dropping the note more than once. When she’d opened the flap, her entire mind had gone into overdrive.

bloody fangCome face your greatest fears, your darkest desires, for a single night….

A moment taking you straight to Hell.

If you dare

Every night since, her dreams had been filled with thoughts of submitting body and soul to a dark stranger. She could envision him, a man so powerful he took exactly what he wanted, fucking every hole, his command never to be questioned or receive his wrath. Shivering, her pussy clenched. For a few seconds she closed her eyes and could see the scene. A carved canopy bed, red silk sheets, a roaring fire and her naked body tied, waiting for his arrival. She swayed back and forth from foot to foot as she rubbed her nipple between her fingers.

In her vision he advanced, holding a whip, his eyes penetrating. She wanted to beg, plead with him to slice the leather strands across every inch of her body, but his silence demanded complete obedience. He would do with her as he pleased.

A single laugh pushed past her lips. Lost to the intense series of visions, she slid her hand down the front of her dress, crawling the hem up her thighs. She wore no panties, another command coming to her in the middle of the night. Obey. You must obey. She tilted her head back, studying the moon. The giant orb was glowing, a red hue covering the surface.

An electric danger was present, evil lurking behind every corner. For her, this was a moment, one telling of her true nature. Risking admonishing jeers, perhaps being touched, she opened her legs and caressed her bald crotch. He wanted her smooth. Clean shaven.

Touch yourself. Show the men hungry to ravage your body what a good little slut you are.

Dani grabbed the hem of her dress and tugged. The cool air whipped across her cunt. She sighed as she noticed the street corner suddenly seemed crowded, whores and pimps eager for the show. Their faces were blank, merely caricatures waiting for direction. A hum echoed, the dull sound buzzing in a circumference surrounding them.

Swirling the tip of her finger around her clit, she moved to the droning noise, musical notes dancing in her head. She was so wet, her entire body shaking with desire. From somewhere in the distance the lilt of very masculine laughter floated by. She was captivated by the sinful thoughts remaining in the whispered words.

Come to me now. My thirst is overwhelming.

She was mad, insane for coming. Another laugh bubbled to the surface, trickles of saliva pushing past her mouth. Yes, she was utterly terrified, but she’d been unable to resist. Black wolfGiving each passing figure a haughty glance, she eased her fingers from between her legs and pushed them into her mouth, sucking greedily. He’d been priming her. The visitors disappeared, replaced with intoxicated men who wanted nothing more than to paw and lick.

Disgusted, she turned in a circle, ready to find her way.

Never forget what you belong to…

I hope you’ve enjoyed.

Kisses, spanks and bites on the neck…

Cassandre

Posted in BDSM, creatures of the night, curse, Dubious Consent, EDGE, horror, paranormal, were-tigers | Tagged , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Hiding in Plain Sight While Living in a D/s Relationship

Do you hide portions of your life, even from yourself? Do you fear confiding in your best friend or lover about a secret desire, one he or she might think far too kinky or worse? I think we all do. We become involved in our routines and maintaining the persona we are that we forget to let go and enjoy life. I loathe not being completely me, but the fact of life is, few can.

Life has certainly been difficult as of late, both personally and professionally. I’m embarking on several new aspects of my life, and pretty much everything I know is rocky. A single touchAs the real girl, I’m actually looking at the possibility of a new job and as such, I had to think about my Internet presence. As you well know, once you’re out there in written format, you’re always going to be there, every aspect in blazing color. No matter how you try and delete or destroy information, there’s always a way to retrieve. Sometimes, when you post a blog or a You tube video, as you know, the information goes viral. When it’s also shared, well, there is little you can do to pull back the beast.

Being an erotic writer is one thing and in truth, there are many people who look at the kind of writing as just a step above porn. For various conservative groups, being associated with someone who writes such smut is akin to being hooked up with the Devil. Right? I laugh and it’s all a bit tongue in cheek, however perceptions can be detrimental to many. So, I try and keep my profile and Cass separate from the real girl as much as possible. That’s not always easy. Given Bethany, the real girl, is also the Managing Director of two Imprint lines with Booktrope, a company she’s also going to have her books written as Cass with, well you can see the quandary.

Now, add in the fact I hold nothing back in my writing about the D/s lifestyle in my books and blogs, including what I’ve shared with John Patrick… What I realized years ago was that people will always gossip and question, look down upon those who live a lifestyle they can’t understand. I don’t shy away from letting people see the real me with a huge majority of my life, including my values and beliefs. Everyone has them. I can’t tolerate prejudice or bigotry, but there will always be aspects of the damning idiocies in our lives. You simply can’t get away from intolerance and ignorance.

I happened upon another blog site where they were talking about couples involved in a D/s lifestyle and how they literally were hiding. I started thinking about this, realizing how sad the concept is. You really have to hide in front of family and friends? You have to pretend you’re something you’re not. I think a more positive terminology is a requirement for a balancing act. One of the many conversations John Patrick and I have had centered around how easy it is for so many to maintain the status quo, maintain the norm. Within regard to sharing any kind of a relationship with another, you’re already juggling to stay afloat. Just because you’re in a D/s relationship doesn’t mean you aren’t required to maintain various responsibilities.

D/s couples have a very vanilla side. Are rules imposed around various aspects of behavior even though the act or attribute might be based in creamy white vanilla? You bet. Very few people I know don’t have to pay bills. If one of your rules is not to over spend, are you going to tell your best gal pal your Dom imposed this rule and if broken you’re going to receive a spanking?

Well, I suppose the argument could be that if she were such a good friend, why doesn’t she know you’re a submissive? The simple answer? To keep the A Submissives_s Prayerpeace. I have no issue sparring with my BFF about men, assholes, wretched bosses, asshole men (LOL) and almost any other subject. While she knows the inner girl, she doesn’t understand and believes women should be equal. We agree to disagree. But we’re friends. What happens if the person who finds out is determined to tell your dirty little secret? What then?

That’s certainly something John Patrick has worried about, not with his best friend of course. I’ve already told you that his buddy kinda thinks the whole BDSM and D/s adventure JP and I have been on is cool. He continues to ask a few questions and when I tease him, I can hear the glitch in his voice or see the hesitation in his texting. Finding the right come back can be difficult! I’ve asked JP, why worry so much? His answer is always simple, the knowledge could ruin his career, create rifts with various family members, even potentially taking away a significant portion of his livelihood. In know, at what price happiness. Should this be the case? Well, of course not, but in a country where bullies still exist and thrive, I certainly understand the notion of hiding in plain sight.

So we do as Dom’s and submissives. I’ve told maybe three people (other than the thousands on my blog of course) that my gorgeous silver choker is actually a collar. I suppose that’s on a ‘need to know’ basis. I laugh at times given the people I work with are so ultra conservative. I made the mistake of using the term ‘flogger’ in the office I think two or three times and you’d have thought I killed and skinned a pig. People were so incensed. Really? I’ve actually opened about the author to a select few as well, although my bosses know. Now you can see why. Burning at the cross may still occur.

I continue to carry a butt plug in my purse, one with a shiny jeweled end. Have there been times I’ve pulled out the velvet bag while looking for something else, all in front of a co-worker. You bet, but I’m not going to pull the silver plug out and swirl it in the air – although I’ve been damn tempted. I’d love to yank their chains, sully their horizons so to speak. But I don’t and why? To keep the peace. I have enough strife at work as it is. My job is very stressful, hence the desire to change. The last thing I want to do is add additional tension. So, I remain quiet and share very little about myself.

JP is very much the same way. His buddy was telling me the others he works with see him as a dark guy, but no one has any understanding of the man inside. JP very much stands on the fringe, his observations spot on. He doesn’t want others to know his business – or so he says. The happiest he’s ever been has been when he felt safe enough Evocative oneto share the joys of our D/s journey. He keeps his secret locked tightly away, often in the very same compartment and box he slips me into.

Is this any different than in a vanilla relationship? Not really. We all have secrets, worries and fears we keep locked away from others. The gut wrenching anxiety of being ridiculed or chastised prevents so many of us from being ourselves. Still, I suppose practicality must come into play. Without the job and bills being paid, you wouldn’t have the house to live in and share your journey. Everyone wears a mask from time to time. There’s no way of avoiding. I only hope you can rip away the mask to yourself and your partner. JP and I know all the good and ugly about each other – and think of it – we’re still talking! LOL. Find someone you can be yourself with. Hiding in plain sight might be okay. Hiding forever isn’t.

Kisses and spanks…

Cassandre

Posted in BDSM, Domination and submission | Tagged , , , , , , | 4 Comments

Submitting to a Spanking…When Visiting Family and Friends

I had to laugh yesterday because I hadn’t paid any attention to my blog. Then mid afternoon I looked and went ‘holy shit!’ because the views of my blog had doubled. Of course on the various blog sites you can see what people are looking at. The post from late Friday is perhaps the most widely viewed post pretty much ever. Why? Well, the word ‘spanking’ was used and that usually brings scores of people to the blog site. Other than that? I think everyone really does want to know if there’s a perfect time to spank and when that might be. I can tell you a time that is perhaps the most difficultMy Inner Child couples might have to face – when you’re either vacationing or visiting with family and friends.

I dare say few couples who are in a D/s or DD (Domination/submission or Domestic Discipline) relationship actually confide in their family and friends. I highly doubt discussions are held in which the conversation centers around routine maintenance or punishment spankings. I might be wrong, but… In talking with several couples, I realized that they generally keep this aspect of their lives very private. Granted, I can understand to a point, but what a shame they can’t be proud enough to come out and let everyone know their relationship has moved in another direction.

For so many couples, the concept of a power exchange or power definition strengthened a once failing marriage or living arrangement. Whether you’re in a traditional m/f relationship, m/m or f/f, every couple faces issues. Every couple argues. Some arguments get out of hand, leaving nothing but bitterness in the wake. The divorce rate is sky high, however I’ve seen some reports where those involved in truly what is called an old-fashioned relationship, divorces are plummeting. Now, I’m not suggesting you turn to your spouse and go, ‘honey, you need a hard spanking’. Then again, that’s probably the truth.

We mouth off and show our worst behavior to those we know won’t fight back. There isn’t a couple where the husband or wife didn’t know exactly how to push his or her buttons. Some days, don’t you push just for the sheer hell of it because you’re annoyed, exhausted or just generally pissed off? Oh I know I have. Women are very good at targeting men exactly where the nagging will dig in. Ladies, haven’t you figured out that men, while often subtle, can be the masters of getting under your skin? You bet.

Stress tends to bring out the worst behavior in all of us. I don’t care if you’ve had a bad day at work, are worried about finances, or simply need a vacation – stress exacerbates our demons. Have you ever noticed that being around various family members and even some friends can heighten any difficult situation almost to the boiling point? Think about the last holiday in which you and your significant other were in a sense ‘required’ to visit the in-laws, spending time in often cramped quarters with either kids, dogs or other family members. You’re supposed to be happy at Christmas. Aren’t you?

For a lot of us, these are the most stressful times in the world. The right gift. Getting the belteverything ready. Facing people you really can’t stand. Crying kids. You get the picture. What often happens? You begin to bicker with your partner. Everything is a nagging reminder of the event or time taken away from what you really prefer to do. Your emotions run high, you snip and snark constantly, and by the time the actual event or family gathering occurs, you’re ready for a divorce. Sound familiar?

For those who practice forms of discipline, a spanking in these situations would help tremendously. What if the practicality of administering a MUCH needed spanking is simply something you can’t overcome? What then? Or, what if finding the time alone or a place where you can get away, keep your secret, is difficult? What do you do? There is an argument (no pun intended) that you should use this as an opportunity to be up front with the in-laws or your best friends and tell them how your relationship has changed. Are you chuckling yet? I know what you’re thinking, ‘telling my best buddy or my mom I spank my wife would be akin to saying I’m a criminal’. Men don’t ‘beat’ their wives, right?

See, my guess is if you’re of the age I am – yeah so mid forties to mid fifties or older, your parents had a bit of a more traditional marriage than what we see today. Today, couples are completely equal in responsibilities, money earned, time spent with the kids, etc. In the fifties, sixties, and seventies, this wasn’t the case. Men were traditionally the breadwinners. Women, while some certainly worked outside the house, they were primarily responsible for the household and the kids. I bring this up why? Because if you are of the age I am, you might very well tell your parents spankings are used to maintain household sanity and my guess is a good portion wouldn’t even respond. Why? Because my guess is the practice was used widely in those days. Just my guess because of talking with so many couples, including older couples.

John Patrick and I have had this very conversation and he thought about the concept with his parents. They were very traditional in the sense of dad made the money, mom kept the house. He smiled after a few minutes and really didn’t believe his very assertive mother would have stood for accepting punishment for breaking the rules – then again he pondered. Had his mother received spankings for breaking the rules? While his mother is no longer alive, I encouraged him to ask his dad. You bet he had ‘that’ look on his face. No way he was going to ask his father or admit he believed spankings were good for keeping peace in the household. Now, I know for certain this didn’t happen ever with my mom and dad, but I bet there are thousands of households where this did occur. Think about your parents. Do you have the courage to ask them this very question, let alone admit you’re either practicing or considering the lifestyle? Tough one, right?

Imagine you and your spouse being on a trip to the in-laws house for a week. Tensions mount. Nerves are on edge. The conversations become more aggressive, nasty words said. You both snip at everything and arguments ensue over the littlest things. What should you do? I think a hard spanking might come to mind, but how do you get away with administering discipline without bringing attention to your new life together? You When only a spanking wil dohave to find time away, one way or the other. That’s just my opinion. I’ve spoken with couples and they talk about the fact a spanking is needed. Both agree. How can you make this happen?

You devise a plan. At some point, hopefully, the parents will leave the house to go shopping. Then both of you can take the time to go into your bedroom, close the door, pull her over your lap and give both of you the time to reconnect, re-establish the chain of command. Yes, this can be daunting, but you know what has to be done. If your parents don’t leave, what can you do? You go to a park, find a secluded spot and pull the hairbrush out of the glove compartment, bring one with you in a fanny pack or simply use the belt he’s wearing. In other words, there are many ways of finding the time. You just have to make the time. Granted, if you’re on a cruise? Well, a bit more difficult but not insurmountable. Noise is a factor, so perhaps she’ll need to bite her tongue or even be gagged. Yes, sometimes this is necessary. Is your mind reeling with thoughts?

For couples who find spankings a wonderful and necessary part of the deep connection, the cycle really can’t be broken for long. There always is a way to take care of needs in the relationship. You might have to think creatively, but it can be done. What do you think? The next time you visit the parents, something you’ll consider?

Kisses and hard spanks…

Cassandre

 

Posted in BDSM, Domestic Discipline, Domination and submission, Spanking | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Submitting to a Spanking…the Perfect Time

Your behavior has been deplorable. I’m very disappointed in you. When I get home, I want you undressed, standing in the corner with your nose pressed to the wall, and several spanking implements on the table. Do you understand me?

Yes sir. I understand.

I hope you do. You’re going to learn not to disobey me.

Disobey. I certainly know that word very well. Do the words above give you titillation or a feeling of terror mixed in your stomach? In talking with couples, there are times a message or a phone conversation, even texting something to this affect is done on a regular basis. I can’t even fathom receiving a text like this as work. I can only imagine Spanking by Sirhow I’d feel, the anticipation making me look at my watch no doubt every fifteen minutes or so. For many Doms, this is a method of punishment used in conjunction with a spanking or caning. For the majority of submissives, they certainly hate more than anything even the concept of disappointing their Doms. The few times I have both surprised as well as disheartened JP, I can remember the look in his eyes more than anything. Even the tone of his voice changed, his texting clipped.

At that very moment I wanted nothing more than to beg him for a spanking, but we weren’t physically together. While a couple of times he held his tongue, choosing to push the incident aside, I was mortified at the entire situation. I was the one who couldn’t let the situation go. I remember the first time this happened, I was oddly nervous and on edge for days. He finally told me he hadn’t forgotten, merely placed the incident in a box until we could appropriately deal with what had occurred.

Anticipation is certainly a killer. Would it have been better to get the punishment over with right away, or harbor the memories of what I’d done? How about on his side? Do you think he should’ve been able to deal with the situation immediately after the occurrence or calm down, think about the best method to discipline me? Certainly no Dom should spank when he’s angry. I’ve seen his eyes flash in anger maybe twice, but he’s never attempted to administer punishment during that time. As a matter of fact, he is very controlled in everything he does, making certain all the ‘T’s’ as crossed so to speak. He’s told me many times being able to spank me for an infraction is healing. I can tell on his face how much control and peace he’s regained.

Is there a perfect time for a spanking? I was looking at my WordPress site and I’m able to see all the key words people are looking for. One of the phrases that caught my eye was “before bed time spanking”. I had to smile. I’ve often talked about if there’s a better or more appropriate time for a spanking. Every couple is different in their wants and needs. I think women respond very differently to how and when they’re spanked. From the time of day to whether they’ve had a stressful week at work or are relaxed from just getting out of bed, the time of day can dramatically alter a woman’s moods.

I’ve read about couples who have extremely strict practices and try never to waver. One Dom I spoke with spanks his submissive every morning just after she gets out of the shower. I immediately asked, every day? He laughed and reminded me that there are just as many levels of a spanking as there are implements. In other words, the morning spankings were harsh. His method was a daily maintenance spanking first time to bend overremind his sub who had the power of control. He told me since they’d switched to the regime he’d only given her one punishment spanking in almost a year.

I thought about my personality and what I’d come to realize as my needs and could see this method of discipline working, setting the tone for the day. He also let me know that his submissive was in a sense more vulnerable just after a shower. Her head space was just right for a spanking. I could envision him taking her hand the moment she dried off, leading her into the kitchen, pulling her over his knee and…

Crack! Pop!

Whew, I’m tingling all over. I have to wonder, would I dream about this at night, worry about every morning or look forward to the very intense connection? Like anything, maintenance spankings I would no doubt get used to, craving more, but what I’ve only realized recently is that I’m longing for his control. When you have the deep tethering, you, such as what we’ve had from week one, you honestly need the interaction like breathing.

Spankings are merely a small portion of what any D/s couples might share, but for some extremely important. The power exchange is vital for keeping the two sides of the relationship distinct. What I honestly believe is the act in the morning would place my psyche in the right mind set. When JP and I thought about how to alter my rather aggressive personality, I’d read that rituals would help. I admit, not living together made this very difficult.

For other couples, the best time is at night. Yes, a spanking can be a tension reliever, but do you really want to come home, crack open a bottle of wine then receive a spanking before you can take a sip? I realize that wouldn’t be my choice per say. With JP, there have been those times he’s poured me a glass of wine and allowed me to unwind before giving me a certain expression. The look alone was enough. I knew exactly what was coming next. We’ve been in the kitchen and he’s merely told me to lean over the counter. Every sound was amplified as he unfastened his belt, slowly removing the leather strap from the loops.

His touch alone always gives me shivers and just before a spanking, I absolutely quake. He speaks very softly when he tells me to lift my skirt or dress. He usually wrangles with the panties. After a couple taps with his hand, he’ll strike hard. The moments when I’m seeing both of our reflections in the window are most compelling. Would that become a routine for us? I honestly can’t say that either one of us received the best use of his discipline during that moment. For me, the few minutes were much more intimate than about punishment.

I think that’s what some people don’t understand. Even though discipline is used in certain relationships, the intimacy captured, the closeness shared is so incredible. NoUndoing His Belt wonder more couples are turning to at least trying the lifestyle.

There are also some couples who no matter where they are, if the submissive misbehaves, much like a child, a spanking will occur. I’ve already written about parties, family gatherings and dinners out where the Dom will find a place to dole out punishment. There are quite a few issues with this method of course, but from the D/s couples I’ve talked to who practice this method, they wouldn’t have it any other way.

I’m in the process of uploading various books to the Booktrope site and a few of them are my very popular submitting to a spanking. Between the books and the blogs, I can tell how many people truly believe they need a hard spanking. Then again, how often have I said how I excel by having a routine spanking? Is there a perfect time for me? John Patrick and I have often had the conversation about this very subject. Face to face people may show surprise or even horror on their faces, but the truth is the fascination for the practice is continuing to increase.

I was asked recently how I could or would consider living in a situation where I could be required to obey a set of rules. I laughed because we’re all following rules anyway and there are distinct consequences when we don’t.

After being very open about the lifestyle, I’ve come to realize the curiosity has moved to genuine interest, additional questions. Hmm… I wonder if the lifestyle is catching on? What do you think?

Kisses and spanks…

Cassandre

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Hiding Behind a Mask of Sin

Do you think engaging in various acts of BDSM, longing to be whipped, or having a desire for someone other than your spouse is a sin? Do you crave one or all? Be honest. I know, you’d hide everything about your desires, wouldn’t you? I write about sin all the time and I love it. I love the way the word rolls on my tongue. I thought the thought of doing very sinful things. Does that make me wrong or a horrible person?

I’ve written many a blog about hiding behind a mask. We all tend to hide portions of Evocative oneourselves from the outside world, terrified of what others will see. Or find out. I was in the middle of writing a rather frivolous blog about whether colors identify personality traits and something struck me. Perhaps it’s the rather difficult conversations I’ve been having with John Patrick these past ten days or so, and I don’t mean in subject matter. His spirit is one of the darkest I’ve ever known. His mood swings are not necessarily manic – but the swing is tremendous.

Any of you who have read the blogs know he’s a moody chap, his darkness grabbing at the tender and gentle man inside, pulling him into silence and the inability to cope.

He’s highly affected by what’s going on around him and when you mix too many life altering changes or significant moments of stress, his entire mind races behind a mask. His best friend told me today depending on who asks him a question is whether or not he’ll answer. For those he knows well, he says nothing. For a basic stranger, he’ll answer readily. Why? His emotions are off kilter and his soul truly pushed to the edge of what he can handle. He can’t let go of the tenuous hold or he’ll break.

I’m not saying he’s fragile. We all have aspects of our lives that at times are too much to deal with. When I told my BFF today she sighed and wasn’t certain how I can handle. I have since day one. No, I’m not some magical miracle worker. I simply let the light into his soul, embracing he dark side and understanding his needs. Still, even with me he has a difficult time getting to personal with conversations. He needs a break from his own mind so we chat about stuff – just basic stuff.

What I do see about him, given we’ve gone through two rounds of pretty much being told our relationship is wrong, is that he embroils himself in these emotions. I realize women tend to become very emotional at a snap, crying over some things men shake their heads over. I do think being emotional, as in showing the effects of anger, sadness or joy releases our bodies of tension. Men tend to harbor everything inside until when released, we’re talking an explosion. When you add the concept that you’re a sinner, told you’re a wretched soul, the majority of people either push away the thought or delve inside of themselves to determine the truth. Reflection can be very good, allowing a cleansing of the soul. Reflection can also create monsters in our own mind, ones that if left unchecked will turn into reality to some degree.

I know this as my nightmares alone would make the majority of people run away in terror. Have the bloody gore events been turned into books? Yes, but I had to come to terms with the fact I’m a tortured soul and I do this to myself. I’m very good at hiding the limitsmajority of my fears, but they surface in many ways.

Remember when I’ve mentioned how much being controlled, disciplined truly helps this raging side of me? Now you see why. They keep the demons at bay. I can be very emotional for an entirely different reason. For John Patrick, his release is in the act of disciplining me. Being able to whip me is a very cathartic moment. Don’t get caught up in the basic of ‘he’s beating you to feel better’ crap. That’s not what we’re talking about. The deep seeded need we both feel is much more intense and all-encompassing than I ever realized.

We all fall into moments of self-doubt too. I think as we get older, we honestly believe we’re supposed to be in a certain ‘place’ in our life. Between family and our friends, the career we always wanted to have and retirement set, we’re supposed to be happy and fulfilled. Right? Guess what? Life doesn’t work out that way. So many of us are very unhappy. So many hide behind this mask of pretending to be something we’re not. We’re terrified to tell anyone around us, let alone our spouse or perhaps a very good friend that we simply can’t live the life we’ve been practicing any longer.

There are various methods in which to find solace or indulge in our sins, relieve stress, or simply ignore the real world. For many of us, we drink – often to excess to dull the pain. Of course we may have been social drinkers in our youth, going out to party with friends and enjoy the high life. Years or decades later and we’re drinking to avoid dealing with crap in life. I had a chat with a man today, one I’ve never met, in which he’s merely longing for the human touch of his wife. She never touches him period, let alone agrees to any sexual intimacy. She made the mistake of asking him at the wrong moment, what would happen if she wasn’t able to have sex any longer. His replay – granted after getting home after nine pm from a meeting – was, ‘would you let me out of the marriage to find affection?’ Wrong answer. However, I understand completely.

With John Patrick and myself, we found a connection so quickly, the ability to open up within literally minutes, and after we were comfortable, bam. The exploration into BDSM and a D/s relationship was almost a requirement. We rushed into enjoying and learning, growing and teaching each other every day. I wanted to submit to him and his absolute need to dominate me grew into the sadistic darkness I’ve been talking about.

I’ve had to sit back and really think about what’s he’s been saying. His psyche yanked him back from his dark need because of such extreme terror of himself. Isn’t that sad? He’s been shoved and processed into a certain way that anything pushing the norm is sinful. Sin is wrong. Sin should be eradicated. Our mothers and fathers told us any aspect of sin means you’ll go to Hell. Hmmm… Well, I suppose there is a lot of sin around us. Men and women go to strip clubs, have affairs. Some couples go to kink clubs, allow themselves to be whipped by perfect strangers.

In some families, you’d never suspect the person who is the abuser, or the drug addict given their lifestyle or connections. You’ve seen the men and women on the news, good people who held the position of Treasurer in their church and were arrested for embezzling. Yes, this is a mixed back of breaking the law to people’s opinions about what’s right and wrong, but the activities can hurt people. The activities can also Signs of a Good Domsoothe people. What happens if the sinners confess their sins? Will they go to heaven? Then again, who says what is right and wrong, God? The laws governing our country? Our parents? Our spouse? Hmmm… People often fly to religion after horrific things have happened in their life as well as any of the sins above.

A few weeks ago he and I had a very interesting conversation about religion. I’m not very religious and while he believes in a greater being than ours, he’s not one to suggest God is the only source. I mentioned in an earlier blog that there is an entire Fetlife group devoted to BDSM. He and I kinda scratched out heads thinking the two don’t mix. What I’ve come to at least absorb is that perhaps they are the most well rounded individuals of all. They’ve accepted their needs with regards to BDSM with their God. They’ve grasped the ability to free themselves of the self-imposed chains so many of us place on ourselves and our behaviors. Of course I mentioned some of the extremes in previous paragraphs, but there are so many of us who hide behind this tightly woven mask because of our sexuality alone, or our desire to simply be loved and touched. We pretend so much, we have no idea who we are inside. Talk about damaging. When I see JP struggling with his own sense of self-worth, I become sad, nurturing and nearly violent with anger, longing to lash out at the people who’ve done everything to undermine the man. Then I realize. He’s hurt himself the most.

Tolerance. Remember the word. Be tolerant of other’s needs. Acceptance. Accept your own. Learn to love and embrace who you are. Our society seems to be less tolerant, not more as the generations go by. I don’t know. I’ll still enjoy sin – merely in moderation.

Kisses and spanks…

Cassandre

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Opening Up to Others about a D/s Relationship

Do you feel free about telling everyone what you enjoy, what you crave in your life? Do you feel confident enough letting everyone know who you really are? If you’re involved in a D/s relationship, have you told your family and friends? If so, how did it go?

I’ve learned over the last few months in particular just how hungry people are with regard to learning about, reading about and desiring more information about everything Domination and submission. At least the subject isn’t as taboo as it was at one time. Or is it?

I was talking with an author the other day and asked her if her family knew she wrote A Sub's initiativeerotic pieces. After a sigh she answered yes, and they weren’t very happy. Later in the conversation I asked if she was doing a blog to promote herself and again, the answer was ‘no’. I recommended that she start one and her reservation was that her family would feel increased discomfort. Keep in mind, I’ve heard this before and it’s sad. I know other authors who write in different genres who look down on erotic writers, truly thinking what we pen is nothing but porn. Even the ballsy chick that I am, I haven’t put ‘author’ on my Linkedin connection, although you can trail down in various ways and find me. I understand being cautious about allowing others to know, given the majority of people jump to conclusions when they have no idea what they’re talking about.

At least in the United States, we’re still a prudish society. I was concerned enough with my currently ugly day job about what I write I told them up front, no way I can be fired because someone doesn’t like what I write. They agreed. Does that honestly mean if push comes to shove they won’t reconsider? I have my doubts. What I write is shameful after all. I say a bit of this with tongue in cheek, but the fact remains, Americans shy away from the concept of sex.

I’ve had fairly detailed conversations with John Patrick about the D/s and BDSM lifestyle and how so many people don’t feel comfortable coming out with friends and co-workers. There are so many misnomers about BDSM and it remains so obvious given the stream of media press for the Fifty Shades movie. No one gets it. The lifestyle seems all a bit dirty. For JP, he has a very high clearance within the walls of the government and he refused to have any pictures of himself associated with D/s or our profiles on Fetlife. He truly anticipated he would never be able to regain his clearance level or even potentially be fired. For choosing to enjoy a particular lifestyle? Really? That’s America for you.

As an author, I’ve been very open with my readers and those in the publishing industry about my curiosity, my research and ultimately about my embracing my submissive side. That’s tough for so many to do. The openness also allowed me to be able to share aspects of my D/s relationship with John Patrick with others. I’ve been surprised that while there were a lot of very wide eyed people, no one condemned. In fact, many asked questions, trying their best to understand something so foreign.

I’m so glad that when I talked to his buddy the other day, he commented that he could see how the BDSM aspects had brought us closer. He mentioned His Holdhe asked JP a few things, including how JP couldn’t want more and more. As John Patrick told me the other day, he knows BDSM would come and go, even wane to a point. The D/s might be something different but certainly, as with any relationship, feelings and emotions would change along with behaviors. Fortunately his buddy told me that while he was a very vanilla person, he was fascinated by what we’d been sharing. At least he didn’t freak out. Right? That bothered JP a hell of a lot. He didn’t want to be considered a weirdo, even though he’d take a stand every day for what he believes in. Sharing with his friend helped so much.

It’s disconcerting that so many people have to hide behind a mask in order to bring in a paycheck. Still, I can understand given so few vanilla people have any real understanding about D/s. I was even reading a question in a BDSM room on FB the other day (and keep in mind this room is generally populated by people either living or at least with a taste of the lifestyle) and the question of the hour was with regards to a collar. Did a collar mean anything more than being tethered like a dog? At first I chuckled before realizing a number of people would most likely feel this way. What has been portrayed in various media representations is nothing but a thick leather collar with metal rings.

Yes, JP first purchased one of me that is made of red leather and does have a silver buckle to attach a lead. Did I equate the gift to a dog collar? Of course not. I know the difference given what he and I’ve shared. My other collar is a gorgeous piece of silver, a wonderful memory of times shared, a connection built. Do I openly tell everyone I run into who comments on the gorgeous necklace what the locked strand represents? I have told people, but I don’t go out and share the new openly. Do I feel in any way ashamed? Not in the least. For anyone who asks me honest questions, I’ll sit and talk about the lifestyle – at least what I know and how learning about the dynamics has changed me as a woman. I’m much stronger, much more reflective.

I think everyone has to face their inner fears of being made fun of during different aspects of our lives over the years. There really isn’t a difference as we grow older. I don’t think JP would have expressed his desire to explore BDSM with me if I hadn’t placed the tidbit of information on my profile. Well, that and a picture of me with a whip in my mouth pretty much did the trick LOL. The flogger started a conversation and when he realized I was serious, he started opening up about his needs. He felt safe in letting go with me.

Being safe talking to anyone is very important. With being made fun of a hell of a lot as a child, I didn’t want my adulthood to be a cesspool of assholes. I also don’t care aboutelevator what other people say about me. The dichotomy is fascinating. Do I worry? The only reason I do at all is simply because I need to support myself with an ugly day job. Otherwise, I don’t have any issues.

How did you tell the ones you loved about any aspect that might be very difficult for you? Were you able to come right out and talk easily? Remember that people are very afraid of what they don’t know, have never tried and aren’t willing to. First and foremost I’m so very glad I was able to share everything with John Patrick. My ability to do so made us so much stronger and no matter what happens in life, the deep connection will always be there. The connection alone allowed me to be truthful to others.

Think about all the times you wanted to tell someone, but were terrified. When you finally did, weren’t you finally at peace?

Kisses and spanks…

Cassandre

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