The Finesse of Being a Dom

As I’ve told you before I tend to do a lot of research for my writing and especially when it comes to BDSM. Now that being said, I am still learning. BDSM really isn’t what the majority of people think it is. They either see it as spanking during sex or something darker such as sadism. Yes, sadism can be a part of BDSM but in general I’ve found that style of D/s relationship is for very serious players – and I use that term loosely – and not the traditional relationship. I’ve been talking quite a bit with a man who considers himself more of a Master instead of a Dom and he laughs at the Dom wannbes.

His belief is that the internet has created an entirely new group of supposed Dom’s who mention they’ve been in the practice for years and in truth they see something they like, perhaps the concept of whipping a woman or tying her up and then they’re a Dom. They go out on the internet and tell people and seek subs to play with. That’s not how it works. Of course everyone starts somewhere but for the ones who allude to their status, well… Being a true Dom is so much more than just stating the words, buying a flogger or two and a pair of handcuffs.

The gentleman I’ve talked to certainly has asked me why I’m interested and I’ve told him not only do I write about it but I am curious. Would I live such a lifestyle? I don’t know. Perhaps given the right circumstance but again, it would have to be right for me. You don’t decide to go into this lightly. As he has mentioned to me if people aren’t concerned, don’t ask questions and in truth aren’t very much afraid then they aren’t taking it seriously.

He decided he would ask me very deep questions as he would any woman he was considering training. Yes, there is training involved. As he tried to explain to me, you can’t take anyone that’s been involved in a vanilla life and have them go to the other extreme all at once. They’ll either leave the situation feeling terrible or terrified. He’s seen too many times where men who purport themselves as Dom’s are sadists who have no idea when to stop flogging a woman and naturally that’s not how you handle training someone. He would take a woman and tell her exactly what was going to happen during the session and have her repeat it back and then when he takes her to that twenty percent perhaps he would push her to twenty-two and stop there. The next session would go deeper as the woman truly began to understand and trust.

The deep seeded questions leave you vulnerable, I can tell you that but certainly have given me a much clearer insight into the aspect of training. As he told me the mind is the most powerful tool. You’ve probably heard the term subspace thrown around when talking about BDSM. That’s quite the truth. It’s not about someone who simply loves pain all time. Of course pain is involved and some people are considered pain freaks but the subspace is a place in your mind of bliss and rapture supposedly unlike anything you’ve ever experienced. It takes months of training and it takes a Dom to know when the limits have been met. For a Dom they do enjoy what they are doing as they are in control.

He describes his needs as being a Master owning a slave. I know what you’re thinking, why? He says the difference to him is that while he wants to be in complete control when the two are together in every aspect including when you can go to the bathroom or grab a glass of wine but also in the bedroom or playtime. He’s commented he is extremely polite and this isn’t for him about humiliation. He will say please come here and drop to your knees. But then again he knows you’ll obey without question. That’s the level of trust that’s built and you share.

As he was asking me to face my fantasies including darker ones we all have I had to give him credit, no man or woman has ever gotten me to take a look and admit some cravings as he has. I’m not able to voice them completely and he doesn’t expect me to as this is about training my mind for writing and being a competent writer but he is allowing me a deeper insight into the training aspect. For any of you that are interested I would caution you even more. Be careful and ask a lot of questions.

In talking with me he also mentioned he served in Vietnam and was a prisoner of war and yes he was treated with torture methods of which he will not describe to me. When he was released he spent time there remaining – I don’t know why and that is a subject off limits – but he trained with a culture that by far spends more time leaning and understanding than in western cultures. He also learned about a woman’s body and how to please a woman simply with the touch of his little finger. Yes, so he says but somehow I believe his training and that he understands women’s needs given our frank conversations.

The reason I thought I’d mention this is that for those of you who believe that Dom’s or Masters do not ever want to please their slave or sub, that’s simply not true. They will control your pleasure but they will also give you ecstasy in return for your complete submission to them. It’s been a fascinating series of conversations. The man is highly intelligent, well spoken and well written. He lives a regular life with a regular job and does not at all look like what you might consider a Dom? Meaning what? There are no stereotypes with this lifestyle but there is finesse.

I hope to incorporate more of what I’ve learned as I continue writing. What a joy for me as I grow as a writer.

Enjoy your weekend

Kisses   xxx


About Cassandre Dayne

Cassandre Dayne and DH Black are the pseudo's for the best selling author of erotic and paranormal romance, crime thrillers and horror novels
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8 Responses to The Finesse of Being a Dom

  1. Fantastically written article and extremely interesting.


  2. caseamajor says:

    Very interesting, Cassandra. And I’m sure a little scary to delve so deeply into yourself. Great article. I have just finished my first story with themes of Dominance and discipline. I want the finished product to reflect the true nature of this lifestyle. This post is insightful and helpful. Thank you for sharing.


  3. gonzospearl says:

    An interesting article that I wish went further and answered more as it begs the question, about controlling another, 24/7, every second, minute, hour of the day…Doesn’t it get exhausting? Do they take weekends off for good behavior? Or save it for weekends? Is it so much a lifestyle that it’s a case of ‘this is how it is or no way?’

    While I LOVE the idea of being sexually controlled to the point where I don’t have to even think about what’s expected, but just submit…

    And the idea of completely surrendering to the Sub within is…surprisingly strong…perhaps we really are products of our youth or experiences as the reference to Vietnam and the tortures of being a POW, must impact…

    And where, just the thought that I could trust my Master to take care of my needs and his…
    Humiliation, derogation and being beaten isn’t something that attracts me, nor do I fantasize about doing the same to a male or female in a dominate role…
    Thanks Cassandre,


    • behalle says:

      In truth for the majority of real life Dom’s who own slaves or subs it isn’t about the concept of humiliation or degradation as you would suggest but unfortunately our society believes that any relationship of this nature is indeed degrading. There is always one in control of a relationship – just at entirely another level. Does what you describe happen? Of course but the kind of relationship he’s talking about isn’t. Some live it 24/7 when inside the home and others only do this playtime. For this Master he would simply own when with the slave. He believes in strong women who have their own lives and wants. I asked specifically would he stop allowing certain activities and he answered – of course not. The best slaves have their own desires and creativity and are highly intelligent women. So…to each their own. I will indeed issue a part two. This is a very misunderstood lifestyle


      • gonzospearl says:

        I’m sorry you took my meaning as offensive…for that was not my intention.
        I merely sought only to share my thoughts, not to provoke.
        I meant that I personally, would have a hard time with the more sadist/masochistic side that some crave…
        I didn’t think i was actually suggesting anything, except perhaps that certain aspects are enormously appealing, especially when a lot of women and men I’m sure, feel the pressure to perform…
        I enjoyed your piece and look forward to hearing more about ‘said misunderstood lifestyle’ but will refrain from further comment..


      • behalle says:

        Please know I am almost never offended. I write erotic romance so I can’t be. That being said this lifestyle isn’t for everyone and I would never try to say it was. What I do want to convey is simply that there are more misnomers about it than truths and what you read the majority of the time is typically glorified. I try and caution people that it isn’t what you might think therefore before you even consider entering into anything at all – read, learn, talk to Doms and talk to more. There are so many fakers. I have several a day longing to dominate me when they know nothing about me. I also try to maintain a sense of truth in the books. Some of what I write of course is fantasy but I don’t ever want to convey that this lifestyle is anything other than what it is – not for everyone. I enjoy talking and debating and very much appreciate your candor. Anytime you would enjoy further discussion you can email me – I am fairly easy to get to. Thank you:)


  4. Tessa Wanton says:

    A good article Cassandre, this is a subject very close to my heart, and yes, in order to write my book I have a Dom friend who commented and gave me guidance to finesse. Even though we aren’t in a D/s relationship, it struck me that his personality and even life enjoyment comes through training and guidance and control. His guidance throughout bought him pleasure, not of a sexual nature, but in a fulfilment sense. This is what is forgotten, D/s can and often is sexual, but that is not the only dynamic at play. This is about the person as a whole, and why they may appear for all intents and purposes to be ‘normal’ this is part of who they are. And me? I will admit I enjoyed being guided, and encouraged and revelled in his happiness with me when I got it right in his eyes. This said, I’m now looking forward to working with my Domme. An idea I found difficult at first as I am straight, but now I can detach the sexual element? I think it’s going to be an exciting time!


    • behalle says:

      What I think people don’t understand so often is that while the majority do indeed incorporate some level of sex, this isn’t always the case and control is really the key. I have talked with both Dom’s and Domme’s and I am straight but have found a truly rich experience working and talking with both. Many people in control in every day lives long giving the feeling up and as my Dom said – he believed that if I would enter into the lifestyle given what he believes my particular proclivities to be then I’d ask myself why I hadn’t done it earlier. Very interesting.


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