I’m in the process of putting together the final edits and/or any additions to On Becoming His and I became painfully aware of one aspect I was really missing on touching on so first I thought I’d go through the aspect here and then add something because I really feel this is terribly important. I’ve talked in several blogs about the importance of trust and with trust I think innately comes understanding. The talented ER Piece had a recent fabulous blog that really brought on some frank discussions – thank you again ER and if you haven’t had a chance to read it – shame on you.
Let’s talk about another level. You are both going through a process of learning about each other, as any vanilla relationship would do, and even more you are opening yourself up completely to the other person. Whether it’s from your particular needs sexually to how much control you as a sub feel you can handle, you have to tell you Dom. On the flip side, he or she has to be honest enough with you and go through the process of telling you what he expects from you in all things – whether in public or private situations including appropriate behavior. This can obviously set itself up in the rules/contract you put together or simply from long conversations but you really have to think about this.
One aspect in a single word that hasn’t been discussed and truly is in the middle of every part of learning and growing together as a D/s couple is… “patience”. Okay, I admit it — I have little or some might say NONE. I truly believe in reincarnation and I fully embraced the aspect a LONG time ago that what I have to come back and learn to live over and over again is patience. I have often said one reason I’d be a horrible mother is that I don’t have any and to that end would lock my children in closets just for being kids. Don’t laugh. It’s a very strong rationality for me. In a D/s relationship, don’t you have to have this on both sides as a very strong attribute?
In penning On Becoming His, of course there are various shades or flavors of me in the piece. I’ve spent hours talking to not only practiced Dom’s but also a couple who are just truly delving inside of themselves and learning not only that they have craved being a Dom but the various aspects of becoming what some might say a “good” Dom. I don’t really like to use that term, simply because that implies there are various degrees of being good. I think the relationship is much more about the simple fact that as with any intimate situation, there are differences – both in the way they are handled, the years you’ve been together and in each couple. There is no way to pigeon hole this type of lifestyle.
For those of you who know me I talk and write with other writers and certainly Benjamin Russell and I have had many conversations about the D/s aspect. We both enjoy learning more and writing about this kind of a relationship in a very realistic fashion. We were having a rather heated discussion about patience and both realized, both the Dom and the sub must have this. Why? Well, I think whether you are just learning either to embrace your sometimes new found desires or if one has been a “D” or an “s” before and this is a new coupling, boy, you need patience.
Think about it… You are learning not only about each other’s needs and desires, but also about your own. That takes patience both for you as a human because this is very different than what so many people have lived before. On the flip side, you must as a sub how and when to obey your Dom, especially when there are certain aspects of your lifestyle that are still what society considers to be “norm” or at least more vanilla. BOY, I can tell you I have a mouth on me and I also type very fast so when you put the two together, a quick down and dirty recipe for disaster.
I am learning aspects for writing and for me as a woman with certain cravings and was really slapped in the face with the realization AGAIN that I have none. I was angry and frustrated and this was a simple conversation that started off as teasing. On the flip side he was angry and frustrated because I wasn’t listening closely enough, and I value my listening skills – or thought so anyway. So I had to take a step back and go… hmmm… But it really brought to the forefront that patience is needed every day, not only during the learning stages, but again as you move forward into a contract together. While you can establish the rules clearly up front, you can’t necessarily dictate the level of patience you’re going to need.
So I believe you must try and address this very fact in some manner as soon as possible. Dom’s – you have to know your sub will be willful and will push boundaries and sometimes purposely and sometimes because they are reverting back to their old lifestyle – especially if they were a strong person, man or woman, before. You must have the patience and understanding to find a way in which to explain why you’re upset or frustrated in a manner that conveys your message VERY clearly. And boy, that’s a tough thing to do. WHEW!
On the flip side, sub’s, you have to realize that your Dom is toeing many lines trying to allow you to be YOU while also controlling, teaching, nurturing not only you but your relationship as it moves from level to level. You might think this is easy – that’s where you are very wrong. People are stubborn and headstrong naturally and for sub’s, giving up control can be easily said. Hmmm… You want to give away the control and you promise and you understand and you believe in your heart, and then some conversation comes up and you go… Shit. Part of this is very natural and part of this is learning.
So ask yourself, did you lose your patience with you significant other recently? Probably. Why? Various reasons, right? There are a bazillion. In D/s relationships this happens too and while some people might suggest that the Dom is then allowed to punish in a method he or she sees fit, this is also where the control and i.e. “patience” comes in. It’s not about whipping her ass for the fact she lost her level of patience. In truth, it’s about nurturing and spending time talking about why and guiding her into controlling her behavior and then respecting needs. Patience… who knew a single word could mean so much?
Here’s the blurb from my upcoming piece On Becoming His and again, thank you to the many people I have talked with as they open up about their relationships in a D/s situation because in bringing to you the very emotional side of this kind of coupling, I was allowed very intimate sides into their lives. I also have to thank Benjamin Russell again, who is my dear friend, a fabulous writer and the most intelligent sparring partner I’ve had as I learn about this. Our frank and lively discussions could burn up the Internet lines.
Coming soon… Jessie’s emotional journey
ON BECOMING HIS
Jezebel Waters, Jessie to her friends, had everything in her life that she could ever want. From a successful career as a top-level executive, a hefty salary and fabulous friends, she had the world in the palm of her hand – except for the right man in her life. In the back of her mind she knew she was missing something and the realization was almost terrifying. She craved being under the command of a powerful Dom, but how the hell could she admit to anyone what she considered her kinky needs?
Resigned to living a very vanilla life, she entered into several relationships and every one of them failed miserably. Jessie gave up on love – until she met Luke Brennan. From his gorgeous chocolate-laced skin to his quiet yet powerful demeanor, Jessie was hooked on learning more. Growing close, when he admitted his own needs, she knew she’d found everything she’d been searching for her entire life. While Luke wanted nothing more than to own her, he was hesitant to enter into the agreement until she completely understood the life she would lead as a collared woman.
While she was more than eager to learn, she remained terrified of the girl inside and of her dark hungers. Join Jessie on an emotional journey as she delves deep into her psyche, not only beginning to understand her willingness to become Luke’s in every way, but also to comprehend exactly what the new beginning would entail — trust and control. Through poems and prose, this story is just the beginning for both…
I hope you enjoy and I’ll put a little excerpt on later…