D/s Relationships and Learning Patience on Both Sides

I’m in the process of putting together the final edits and/or any additions to On Becoming His and I became painfully aware of one aspect I was really missing on touching on so first I thought I’d go through the aspect here and then add something because I really feel this is terribly important. I’ve talked in several blogs about the importance of trust and with trust I think innately comes understanding. The talented ER Piece had a recent fabulous blog that really brought on some frank discussions – thank you again ER and if you haven’t had a chance to read it – shame on you.


Let’s talk about another level. You are both going through a process of learning about each other, as any vanilla relationship would do, and even more you are opening yourself up completely to the other person. Whether it’s from your particular needs sexually to how much control you as a sub feel you can handle, you have to tell you Dom. On the flip side, he or she has to be honest enough with you and go through the process of telling you what he expects from you in all things – whether in public or private situations including appropriate behavior. This can obviously set itself up in the rules/contract you put together or simply from long conversations but you really have to think about this.

One aspect in a single word that hasn’t been discussed and truly is in the middle of every part of learning and growing together as a D/s couple is… “patience”. Okay, I admit it — I have little or some might say NONE. I truly believe in reincarnation and I fully embraced the aspect a LONG time ago that what I have to come back and learn to live over and over again is patience. I have often said one reason I’d be a horrible mother is that I don’t have any and to that end would lock my children in closets just for being kids. Don’t laugh. It’s a very strong rationality for me. In a D/s relationship, don’t you have to have this on both sides as a very strong attribute?

In penning On Becoming His, of course there are various shades or flavors of me in the piece. I’ve spent hours talking to not only practiced Dom’s but also a couple who are just truly delving inside of themselves and learning not only that they have craved being a Dom but the various aspects of becoming what some might say a “good” Dom. I don’t really like to use that term, simply because that implies there are various degrees of being good. I think the relationship is much more about the simple fact that as with any intimate situation, there are differences – both in the way they are handled, the years you’ve been together and in each couple. There is no way to pigeon hole this type of lifestyle.

For those of you who know me I talk and write with other writers and certainly Benjamin Russell and I have had many conversations about the D/s aspect. We both enjoy learning more and writing about this kind of a relationship in a very realistic fashion. We were having a rather heated discussion about patience and both realized, both the Dom and the sub must have this. Why? Well, I think whether you are just learning either to embrace your sometimes new found desires or if one has been a “D” or an “s” before and this is a new coupling, boy, you need patience.

Think about it… You are learning not only about each other’s needs and desires, but also about your own. That takes patience both for you as a human because this is very different than what so many people have lived before. On the flip side, you must as a sub how and when to obey your Dom, especially when there are certain aspects of your lifestyle that are still what society considers to be “norm” or at least more vanilla. BOY, I can tell you I have a mouth on me and I also type very fast so when you put the two together, a quick down and dirty recipe for disaster.

I am learning aspects for writing and for me as a woman with certain cravings and was really slapped in the face with the realization AGAIN that I have none. I was angry and frustrated and this was a simple conversation that started off as teasing. On the flip side he was angry and frustrated because I wasn’t listening closely enough, and I value my listening skills – or thought so anyway. So I had to take a step back and go… hmmm…  But it really brought to the forefront that patience is needed every day, not only during the learning stages, but again as you move forward into a contract together. While you can establish the rules clearly up front, you can’t necessarily dictate the level of patience you’re going to need.

So I believe you must try and address this very fact in some manner as soon as possible. Dom’s – you have to know your sub will be willful and will push boundaries and sometimes purposely and sometimes because they are reverting back to their old lifestyle – especially if they were a strong person, man or woman, before. You must have the patience and understanding to find a way in which to explain why you’re upset or frustrated in a manner that conveys your message VERY clearly. And boy, that’s a tough thing to do. WHEW!

On the flip side, sub’s, you have to realize that your Dom is toeing many lines trying to allow you to be YOU while also controlling, teaching, nurturing not only you but your relationship as it moves from level to level. You might think this is easy – that’s where you are very wrong. People are stubborn and headstrong naturally and for sub’s, giving up control can be easily said. Hmmm… You want to give away the control and you promise and you understand and you believe in your heart, and then some conversation comes up and you go… Shit. Part of this is very natural and part of this is learning.

So ask yourself, did you lose your patience with you significant other recently? Probably. Why? Various reasons, right? There are a bazillion. In D/s relationships this happens too and while some people might suggest that the Dom is then allowed to punish in a method he or she sees fit, this is also where the control and i.e. “patience” comes in. It’s not about whipping her ass for the fact she lost her level of patience. In truth, it’s about nurturing and spending time talking about why and guiding her into controlling her behavior and then respecting needs. Patience… who knew a single word could mean so much?

Here’s the blurb from my upcoming piece On Becoming His and again, thank you to the many people I have talked with as they open up about their relationships in a D/s situation because in bringing to you the very emotional side of this kind of coupling, I was allowed very intimate sides into their lives. I also have to thank Benjamin Russell again, who is my dear friend, a fabulous writer and the most intelligent sparring partner I’ve had as I learn about this. Our frank and lively discussions could burn up the Internet lines.

Coming soon… Jessie’s emotional journey


Jezebel Waters, Jessie to her friends, had everything in her life that she could ever want. From a successful career as a top-level executive, a hefty salary and fabulous friends, she had the world in the palm of her hand – except for the right man in her life. In the back of her mind she knew she was missing something and the realization was almost terrifying. She craved being under the command of a powerful Dom, but how the hell could she admit to anyone what she considered her kinky needs?

Resigned to living a very vanilla life, she entered into several relationships and every one of them failed miserably. Jessie gave up on love – until she met Luke Brennan. From his gorgeous chocolate-laced skin to his quiet yet powerful demeanor, Jessie was hooked on learning more. Growing close, when he admitted his own needs, she knew she’d found everything she’d been searching for her entire life. While Luke wanted nothing more than to own her, he was hesitant to enter into the agreement until she completely understood the life she would lead as a collared woman.

While she was more than eager to learn, she remained terrified of the girl inside and of her dark hungers. Join Jessie on an emotional journey as she delves deep into her psyche, not only beginning to understand her willingness to become Luke’s in every way, but also to comprehend exactly what the new beginning would entail — trust and control. Through poems and prose, this story is just the beginning for both…

I hope you enjoy and I’ll put a little excerpt on later…

Kisses   xxx


About Cassandre Dayne

Cassandre Dayne is the pseudo for the best selling author of romantic suspense and thrillers
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18 Responses to D/s Relationships and Learning Patience on Both Sides

  1. ER Pierce says:

    Ah, so that is my problem — I lack patience. I also have a hair trigger temper and can be irrational. Exactly Cassandre, in any relationship, you have to ‘work’. You have to constantly be aware of how you react to situations and emotions. But then I wonder, if you are in a total trust relationship, why should you have to worry about how you react to things. Shouldn’t your partner understand how you operate? Why should you be punished. I agree with what you said here: “It’s not about whipping her ass for the fact she lost her level of patience. In truth, it’s about nurturing and spending time talking about why and guiding her into controlling her behavior and then respecting needs.”

    Interesting topic, and I agree that patience is as vital as trust.


    • behalle says:

      I think that over time both learn and understand, but as you’re growing together you really have to exercise complete levels and this does help with trust. In learning more, the disappointment both can feel is difficult and sometimes harsh and worrisome and for me completely unexpected as well.


  2. Trust is one aspect, and learning, patience, time and so much more. Even compromise at times comes into play. Until you truly reach a deep level of understanding there are so many little things that one must learn and accept throughout the journey.


  3. Patience is a virtue, as the saying goes and there are degrees of patience, just as there are degrees of trust. It has been suggested that a succesful D/s relationship requires total trust, from the very beginning and I’ve been a big proponent of that notion. However, it’s only recently that I’ve come to realize just how important patience can be to help acquire that sense of total trust.

    We’re all individuals and as I’ve said in other posts, we all bring our own emotional baggae to any relationship. That baggage can sorely test the patience of both Dom and sub, however in my opinion, the onus is on the Dom to exercise the greatest degree of patience. The Dom in the relationship must learn to be in control of his/her own frustrations, but also learn how to properly respond to the sub’s impatience and frustrations. OMG, that requires a crap load of patience and a willingness to be open about those dreaded “feelings” and the baggage attached to them.

    Punishments e.g., ass spanking are not the answer. Lordie, it’s about communication and it may take the Dom multiple attempts to clearly articulate the point he/she is trying to make. In some cases, depending on how willful and/or stubborn the sub, it may become a contest of wills. *Sighs*

    Patience is another aspect of control, self-control and it’s also a necessary ingredient for achieving that elusive total trust. Again, I believe the Dom in the relationship has to exercise the highest degree of patience and CONTROL.

    Cass, this is an excellent post and par for the course, you have given me much food for thought. Hopefully, the spicy, wicked food you’re serving up doesn’t give me heartburn. Muwah!!@


    • behalle says:

      I agree to a point but disagree as well. The sub has to know going in and learn to understand for the relationship to work and the more she or he does as a sub the better the situation will be and become. The Dom does have the impetuous to really watch and learn, but don’t they both? This is a tough situation to move from one level of relationship into another and then you have willful and stubborn on both sides and the concern is going to be there. It’s tine learning and building trust. As far as the heartburn – I call it like I see it and still, I learn every day. I’m glad you enjoyed.


      • Sherry Palmer/Michelle Chatton says:

        I have to disagree with you Cass, this time, about the sub having the burden of “knowing” going in what is expected. If the Dom, as the one in control, cannot articulate his desires or rules there is no way for the sub to know what is expected. He/She will only end up dissapointed her Sir/Mistress over and over again if there is not good communication and that requires great patience on the Dom’s part. People have their own personal issues that come into play in “any” relationship. Then can learn at different speeds, they can understand in different ways…the whole left brain, right brain thing. If a true Dom isn’t aware of that and patient then it will never work. It is a two way street yes, but the Dom has to be in control of his patience and learn to get what he wants from his sub by expressing himself, his feelings and his thoughts. I think the Dom does have alot to “juggle” so to speak, but if he cant be patient and learn to open up, then it will never work. The sub is placing her entire “self” in his hands and needs to know that he will there to guide, teach, respect, cherish and be patient with her, especially if it is a new relationship and even More so if it is a new way of life for one or both of them. The student is only as good as it’s teacher.


  4. naomi says:

    On the whole I’m patient, or try to be. However I admit there have been times when I should have engaged the brain before opening the mouth. I think that can be said of a lot of people though.


  5. There are so many different types of subs and Doms, I think the first step in the journey to embracing this lifestyle is to have a basic understanding of what kind you are. But, no matter what kind you are or want to be…it definitely will take a lot of patience to let go off old behavior patterns established in previous vanilla relationships. I’m only interested in writing and exploring the dynamics of a loving D/s relationship and my response here is based on that type.

    The misunderstanding for many looking from the outside in…is that a sub is internally weak…wants to relinquish control because of that weakness, but that couldn’t be further from the truth.

    The Dom is in control and is stronger physically, but it’s the sub’s inner strength that allows this D/s relationship to benefit them both. A Dom who cares for his sub ultimately knows this and treasures the gift of his sub’s willingness to submit to him. Patience is required on both sides in the beginning especially as each person learns and explores the boundaries and pleasures of their role.

    A loving Dom would embrace this growing process for him and his sub and vice versa…even though it would be challenging and frustrating as hell for both parties involved.

    Great post, Cassandre!


    • behalle says:

      I couldn’t agree more all the way around. For a woman (or man for that matter) to give themselves to another is a very powerful move and full of strength in that person. It’s an amazing journey


    • Sherry Palmer/Michelle Chatton says:

      Nichelle, I loved ya before but even more so now. I love how you put this..in words I couldn’t quite find. I also only want to write and explore about loving D/s relationships, especially long term ones. I am meeting people who have been married for years or partners for 25/30 years and are in loving D/s relationships. To be honest I believe it was what my parents had, he was Head of the household and his final word was it, no arguing. It is my idea of HEA, and what I seek personally…not just the “play” kind. There is nothing wrong with that and I don’t judge, but I can only respond to these types of Blogs with the knowledge of what I seek and what I want to learn. 🙂


      • behalle says:

        I read them all girl and I understand what you’re saying all the way around. I do believe the sub does not always know what she wants coming in nor can she know what the Dom is looking for at first. You have to talk and learn and listen and talk again to ever get to a point of making any justified decisions. I know it’s tough for me admitting what I want and have trusted very few with the knowledge. When I did the first time and the person not only didn’t make fun of me but shared in my joy, I was shocked. BUT – I am not patient and I want more of both me and someone else and it’s tough for me all the way around. Learning is difficult and ongoing. But I relish getting there


  6. Bonni Sansom says:

    Loved this post. I’m not in the lifestyle, but both he and I lose patience with each other in the bed. I guess you could say I have a “vanilla” life, but it gets boring. I crave more, but he’s NO Dom. Thank you for posting this. It might make a difference after I have a talk with him.


  7. Sherry Palmer/Michelle Chatton says:

    Ok, as to my own ability to be patient….I suck big time at it. My Grandmother spent all her time saying to me..”Patience is a virtue and Girl you are sorely lacking in that one.”. LOL She was right and still is 35 years after her passing. It is something I work hard at everyday, I am an instant gratification kind of girl. I want people, things…life to just move faster cause life is too damn short and I don’t want to miss out on everything.

    In a D/s relationship I think it is absolutely necessary and as a sub I am probably going to be disciplined alot for not getting it just right.lol But I would never be with a Dom who didn’t have a mountain full of patience cause he is going to need it with me. 🙂


  8. stlmomma73 says:

    Great post Cassandra. I am a patient person…to an extent. I have loads of patience when it comes to the very young and the elderly, my children and my friends. The husband on the other hand gets the impatient, bitch me. I have trouble being patient with him…after 21 years, shouldn’t he just KNOW what I want and how I want it? Recently, we had a discussion about sex, something we don’t have anymore, but even so, it was amazing to realize how much he never listened to me and it made me crazy. I had a bit of a temper tantrum and he had the same reaction he always does…he went to bed and pouted. I am finding myself more and more sure that my marriage is basically over and I think about what I want, what i don’t want, what I need…and I’ve come to the conclusion that I need someone that won’t back down from me. I don’t want to constantly be in trouble, but I need someone that reins me back in when I get out of control, someone that won’t put up with me when I’m being irrational, someone that will truly know me and know why I have the reactions I do…and they’re willing to take the time to help me deal with them and change them. Does that make sense? Benjamin…in your comment you made reference to “the dreaded feelings”…that is exactly how my husband acts. If I show emotion and it’s not giddy and all sunshine and rainbows, he wants no part of it. That is not something I ever want to experience again. I want someone that will not only share their feelings with me, but will take the time to listen to me and understand mine. Okay, I’ve rambled long enough and probably made little sense…damn Vicodin. Again, great post Cassandra and I always love finding out what others think about stuff like this.


    • behalle says:

      My oh my – I so appreciate you taking the time and have asked Benjamin to comment as well. I felt the exact same way and what I do know is that sometimes in the current relationship people are you in you can’t ask – the dynamics aren’t such that you can. Having said that there are people who do feel the same way. What you have to do is explore in the manner you’ve just started and you will find a man who shares and wants the same. I will caution you to make certain of this person – trust really is everything and you will know by instinct to a point, but just know there are some out there who don’t understand nor can they relate to your needs. It’s a tough thing to admit first, but then the learning is amazing. BTW – anytime you’d like to talk – I am here and I have no doubt Benjamin would be here as well. Thank you so much.


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