I was thinking about how to continue in the saga regarding Jessie and Luke’s journey in On Becoming His and I realized something else that both of them have to go through – understanding. They have to understand themselves and each other – including all their past foibles and fears, bad habits and willfulness and the understanding that times won’t always be perfect in their move toward what they hope will be the perfect D/s union. That really posed a question in my mind. Is there actually anything that’s perfect? That’s an easy answer. Of course not.
We all have different sides to us and we’re pushed and pulled in different directions almost every day of our life. From trying to be the perfect mate and friend or mother and confidant (notice that UGLY word perfect in there), we’re always worrying and fearful, wondering whether we’re doing enough or are good enough. So many of us hide behind a persona that we either want to be or feel at least we can show that side differently. Don’t we? Take me for example – very few people actually know the real me. In truth I don’t want a lot of people to know me and then there are the others who “think” they know me.
And what do they think they know? Well, I have a balls-to-walls type personality and I’ve been called willful on more than one occasion. I’m an outrageous flirt and being a writer and facebook bring that out more. I’m also opinionated and a lot of times refuse to take NO for an answer – let alone STOP. That makes most people see this strong woman who is almost going to boil you over and most people thing I’m a Domme. In truth, I’m not. That’s what you see. Then others see me as like some womanizing whatever and they talk and suspect and… Well, you see where I’m going I think. We all hide because of fear of not being wanted or liked and it’s really tough as hell to break down those walls or be something you want to be – let’s say a sub – when you’re so used to being a certain way.
For a select few who have decided to actually talk to the real me, they see something different but they also encounter two sides of me. The side I’ve been and the side I’d like to be. They are vastly different and they push and pull against each other every day. Girl “A” has a life that’s current and has to face the normal day to day challenges we all face. Work, home life, chores, paying bills, friends, family and sometimes ugliness (different for each of us) can make every day almost pain filled. Of course there can be joy too but we all get into a bit of a rut in our lives and allow the darker moments to really drive us. Somewhere in the back of our mind we KNOW we need a tremendous and very significant change, yet we are terrified. Trust me the older you get, making certain tremendous decisions in your life begin to look like huge dinosaurs and it’s tough. Girl “B” wants something else entirely and while she knows, she’s utterly terrified of the final admittance and acceptance of the realization. It’s a scary proposition to be something you’ve never been before.
But when we finally admit to ourselves what we are as people, wives, lover, humans, friends, whatever aren’t working and you allow the reality of what you want to enter into your psyche, you are almost freed. I used the word almost for a reason. It’s joy filled and freeing in your mind when you finally want and know you want something more. This could be something simple like a new job, a new house, a new dress – or OR this could be something HUGE like a new way of life. Then you go oh fuck me… Can I? Should I? How can I? What will people thing? What will happen if I fail? And then the ugly fear monster creeps in and you get TERRIFIED. And then you do or say stupid things or get to the place you find all those reasons why the change is bad – hell, not just bad but freaking terrible. Right? We have to admit it – we’ve all done it.
In On Becoming His, Jessie is depicted as a strong woman in life and love who is so ready for a change BUT, she knows the inner girl inside is terrified and will fail and will have issues and will question and will be willful and will be stubborn and… But she wants. GOD she wants. The understanding portion is on both sides – both Jessie and Luke. I’ve talked to a wonderful friend of mine about this as Benjamin Russell and I have been writing quite a bit about Jessie and Luke and other D/s relationships in general and I think there is fear on both sides. His penchant is as a Dom and yet he is fearful that he couldn’t be the “right” Dom for someone. I fear I couldn’t be the “right” sub for a Dom. So you see where this is going? There is no perfect here. There is no right or wrong.
I selected the title of the piece for a reason. On Becoming His…step back and think about it. It’s not BEING his but Becoming because she will face challenges every day in her journey, which by the way doesn’t end when a contract is signed or he collars her. The journey can and will be laced with angst and anger, sadness and fear, pushing and pulling, patience and lack there of, sensitivity and discipline, and guess what else – UNDERSTANDING. It’s the understanding on Luke’s part that he knows she had a life before him and will have a life with him and sometimes the two are vastly different. Sometimes the two are at odds with each other to the point he’ll be frustrated and angry, questioning his decision about her and him and their combined new relationship status.
And he’ll push her and almost try and force her into what he thinks she should be. She’ll push and pull back because she’s lived her life a certain way for like decades… That’s a tough habit to break. They say that breaking bad habits only takes two weeks but we’re not talking about smoking or eating chocolate here. We’re talking about altering your entire thinking process about even simple words. Yes becomes yes, SIR. No becomes an automatic STOP. NOW becomes well, NOW. It’s not something that Jessie can do without thinking initially constantly about and fearing and worrying and… And she’ll piss him off constantly so that he questions the why did he over and over again.
You know what? That’s okay. I think any D/s couple will tell you this happens all the time in the beginning. Does that mean they aren’t good for each other? Of course not. That simply means the journey continues for both of them as they grow together in the new – again another word I really want you to understand – NEW relationship. It’s probably one of the most difficult and different situations than they’ve ever had. There are no dynamics in most of our lives that set us up as humans for this. Think about it. You can read all the books you want or talk to folks doing this but your relationship is different for both of YOU together. There is no right or wrong, only trying harder every day and what else? Understanding. This also includes listening and talking and sharing and allowing yourself to be you.
A Dom’s place is tough because he (or she) really has to know that she, in this case, is trying and will fail. He has to know she’ll be terrified and push back. She’ll resort to her previous life and especially when she’s not with him all the time. Imagine if they weren’t living together what would happen – she’d have that “other” life. Right? And she WILL fall back into the old ways. It’s going to happen. And so he has to be more…understanding. One reason I say that a D/s relationship is stronger than almost any other is because when you get to the place you are both so very free with each other, it will be the most amazing relationship in your life. BUT… you have to give each other the leeway to be and the understanding that both of you will fall and fail and cry and worry and…
My rambling thoughts after a tear filled night knowing and realizing I am SOOOO far from being perfect but I want… oh I want. Here’s another taste of my little story and another huge thank you to Benjamin Russell for being my ear and counterpoint on so much of this. His thoughts and beautiful ideas and his honesty have been wonderful. He’s a fantastic man and a beautiful writer. Don’t forget to check out his HOT release – Booty Call, penned with another fabulous writer Michelle Chatton.
ON BECOMING HIS
“I saw something on your Facebook page today and wanted to ask you about. I mean, if you don’t mind.” Dear God, this was already difficult. Jessie could feel a twitch in the corner of her mouth. Reaching up, she placed her hand over her lips and absently reached for her wine. As she took a sip and then a gulp she could tell Luke was watching her every movement intently. Only when she set down her glass did he finally react.
Leaning over, Luke took her hand into his, intertwining their fingers together. “I’ve told you many times you can ask me anything. I want you to feel very free to tell me whatever you need to tell me. I value your opinion above all other things. Please, what do you need to know?”
For some reason the word “need” surprised her. She’d often thought about how he just seemed to magically sense her discomfort or know what was on her mind as it raced to find the right words to ask something. Now this word was comforting and gave her courage. “I noticed a picture of a Dom on your page with a poem about a woman submitting to you. The piece was very haunting and I really enjoyed reading every word. Every thought was heartfelt.”
“Thank you. A favorite of mine.”
“Um… So, did you write it?” Of course he’d known there was more to her question. Barely able to look into his eyes, Jessie sighed. When she heard him inhaling slowly, she finally looked in his direction. His eyes told her the truth. The realization thrilled and terrified her. Nodding, a swell of emotions was building inside of her and she thought about the words on the poem and smiled. Somehow Jessie knew the piece was about her. Her breath skipping, she reached for the wine again, nearly draining the glass. You can do this. He’s just a man and you asked him. Jessie almost burst into laughter. He’d written a poem and that was all but…
“Yes. I have many more as well as the pictures but they’re simply too risqué for Facebook. I’ve enjoyed writing what’s in my heart and my soul for a very long time. Some people question why and I simply tell them it’s a part of me and always has been. Now tell me, why do you ask?”
Her lower lip quivering, Jessie wasn’t sure where to go from here. How the hell could she ask him this? Was it even any of her business? “I…” Looking away, the feel of his hand cupping her chin, bringing her face toward his sent shivers skating down her spine.
“What do you want to know and why do you ask?” The sound of his voice low and husky, he forced her to look into his eyes. “Please trust me, Jezebel. I need for you to finish.”
“Because I’m curious. Because I want to know. Because I…” Jessie darted her eyes away once and heard a disappointed sigh. He always called her by her given name when he was serious about something. Steeling her nerves, she said the words she’d thought about for months, years. “Because I long to have a man as my Dom.” Fuck! She’d said it out loud. What the hell was freaking wrong with her? Her nerves on edge, she shifted back and forth and stared at the bottle of wine in the corner. He didn’t like her to drink too much but tonight she felt like drinking more. Hell no, she needed to get fucking wasted admitting something like this to a man she so cared about and he would think so badly of her and…
Luke inhaled deeply and reached for the wine bottle. Refilling both of their glasses, he handed her one before taking a long sip.
Dear God, he was contemplating calling her names and then running and screaming from the room and… No, he said he was a Dom. But what if he thought she was too strong willed or not right or… Jessie could barely stand to finish the ugly thought. Her hand shaking, she took another gulp and willed her nerves to calm down. Cringing, she anticipated laughter or chastisement or at minimum a scoffing voice. Instead, she heard Luke simply breathing evenly. When she garnered the courage to look into his eyes again, a smile curled in the corner of her mouth. He was grinning, his eyes flashing even in the dim lighting.
“I knew as much but I wanted you to tell me first, to admit to me your cravings. This has to be something you want to talk about. I certainly didn’t want to push you with any of my thoughts.”
“How did you know?” He didn’t want to push her? What? Blinking furiously, Jessie fought back tears. She was not going to cry. Hell no.
Brushing the tips of his fingers down the side of her cheek, Luke leaned forward, capturing her mouth. Pulling her tightly into him, he eased her legs around his waist.
As the kiss became a passionate and very intimate moment, she shivered from his touch, her hunger for him building. She’d never admitted her need to anyone her entire life and in the few seconds it had taken her to say the words, she felt a breath of relief course through her body. Their tongues entwining, she closed her eyes and wrapped her arm around his neck.
When Luke finally broke the kiss, he pressed his thumb across her mouth before easing back. “Because of everything you’ve asked over our few months together, your growing curiosity. Because of the pages left open on your Internet. But more importantly because I know you better than you know yourself but if you’re truly interested, this is not something you can enter into lightly. This is not anything that you have heard about from some sex site. This is about a loving and very trusting relationship and one that is much more powerful than marriage, but the lifestyle is not for everyone. Do you understand?”
“I…yes, I think so.” Did she? Jessie had read so much and was intelligent enough to know there were a lot of freaks and wannabe’s out there. What she knew, or thought she knew about Luke, was something else entirely. And something she longed to share with him.
I hope you’ve enjoyed and let me know your thoughts on my ramblings. I want to show this journey in a way people will understand… Many thanks.