So You Want to Become a Submissive?

Sounds a little like asking if you want to be a rock star, right? Certainly neither the respective lifestyles nor dream aspirations are easy and something few truly understand about. I am the President Elect of the Passionate Ink Chapter of the RWA and we had a board meeting last night. One of the topics of our discussion was about the upcoming BDSM party event the chapter is having at the huge national conference being held in Anaheim California this year. I won’t give you all the juicy details YET as we are still finalizing them but there will be some educational talks and demonstrations about BDSM.

The funny thing is this truly isn’t grabbing onto the supposed new brass ring because of 50 Shades of Grey. The theme was selected last year. BUT…as you can imagine, the chapter is very proud of the fact we are doing something to capitalize on not only how much erotic romance is increasing in popularity but also about the fact that BDSM is being written about more and a genre readers are truly trying to get into. I of course have a BUT in here. The more I learn about the concept the more I realize I have to learn and the more I truly respect those involved. It’s not about pink fuzzy handcuffs and light spanking.

As we began to have a discussion about what we could do and what the panel discussions or educational aspects should be, I really started thinking about how many more misnomers there are with regards to the lifestyle and I’ve talked a bit about some of them. While exploring my needs for writing and enjoying learning more about the lifestyle, I’ve read more pieces from authors who are writing about BDSM – or more of what they think it’s about. Now, BDSM can be playtime to the lifestyle and of course the majority of folks who start out thinking about this read all by themselves first in the privacy of their kindle or nook, making sure NO ONE knows they are kinky. Right? That would be horrible, huh? Interesting how much romance and the erotic romance genre is increasing in popularity.

After getting all hot and bothered reading, they think they’re ready maybe for more. So perhaps they’ll indulge in checking out some website and they will quickly find there are hundreds of forums from the sub’s perspective to the Dom’s, kinky clubs to societies catering to allowing freedom of choice. Then there are groups, such as Fet Life, where you can not only learn but meet people either online or in situations that are called “munches”. Generally these are gatherings of people interested in meeting and learning more about the lifestyle and are held in very public locations, such as restaurants, so that everyone can feel comfortable.

What some people find surprising is that people who crave the playtime and the lifestyle are of course regular people with day jobs and families etc. The munches are simply a fabulous way of talking out in the open without fear of retribution. I was talking to a writer friend of mind, who is just getting interested in the lifestyle, and she is considering going to a munch. I think it’s a fabulous way of truly indulging even in simply fantasies while you’re considering whether or not you could or want to handle the lifestyle. It’s something I’ve considered too and as many of you have spent hours talking to Dom’s and societies. I’ve learned so much – enough to scare me too but I am more than curious.

If you really start clearly seeing yourself in what will be a life altering change in your love, relationship, and possibly every day aspect of simply how you handle yourself, then you could potentially move on to vacation type spots who cater to BDSM and you can have ever fantasy fulfilled. Hedonism of course comes to mind and from your mildest fantasy of you and your partner sharing a beautiful sunset while you make love on the beach to something much kinkier like engaging in a ménage with a stranger or having a man flog your partner, you can find it. Yes, they are safe and you have to be as well so several precautions are taken.

All of the above is slightly clinical but during my discussion with the board last night there was some questions that came up about demonstrating. You know what’s funny? Most people think of BDSM and flogging comes to mind, but do you truly know what you’re talking about? Spanking is different from flogging. Flogging means typically something like a bullwhip or a leather tarse is used and most people also think of the “x” cross as the first picture they envision in clear detail. True they are widely used, but not always. The apparatuses are very expensive and sometimes tough to put in your house.

With the explosion of 50 Shades, what I am terrified of is either having the lifestyle shown too lightly or on the opposite side – as in the dungeons etc. I hope as writers and readers you’ll understand there are so many sides to the concept you can’t put it in a neat package and either explain or truly explore in a short period of time. If you’re writing about the lifestyle, I challenge you to truly do your homework. When I posted a long vent about a ridiculous show Dateline presented a few weeks ago, I had more responses than on any blog. Some of the folks mentioning the show and my blog are and have been involved in the lifestyle for a lot longer than I have been researching and writing, and some of them are truly incensed how so many writers are suddenly experts. Trust me, I know I have just begun to scratch the surface.

In saying that I am guilty of roping up or locking down someone on a cross or bench and flogging them and I have personally never felt a whip on my backside in this manner. How in the world can I write about it effectively? Well, pain is pain but the methodology used by people who truly know what they’re doing involves experience and more than just grabbing a flogger or two from a closet. People can get hurt – not only physically but spiritually. That’s why I am taking more emotional passes at learning and crafting my work.

I’m had more wonderful comments about On Becoming His, the very emotional journey I wrote about two people’s journey into venturing into the lifestyle than any of my other BDSM pieces. Why? Because it’s very emotional to even think about doing something like this – changing your entire life. Imagine just for a second totally obeying another human being? That’s what the lifestyle is about – not about flogging. I caution you as you read to take some of the books with a grain of salt and not judge. This is a forever learning process.

It you’re curious about Jessie and Luke’s journey, which will have at least two more books, you can take a taste for free on the On Becoming His page and the book is on sale at Amazon.

Enjoy learning…

Kisses   xxx

Cassandre

http://www.amazon.com/On-Becoming-His-ebook/dp/B00830WDC2/ref=sr_1_40?ie=UTF8&qid=1336991831&sr=8-40

About Cassandre Dayne

Cassandre Dayne is the pseudo for the best selling author of romantic suspense and thrillers
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35 Responses to So You Want to Become a Submissive?

  1. Cassandre, what a fantastic post. I think people have this vision of the lifestyle and a lot of it is blurred. Unless you live the life or even take part in it you don’t really see the real thing. With the release of 50 Shades, yes BDSM and the D/s lifestyle is getting more attention but I think people still don’t have a clear view of what it is. People are so against it and afraid that they are not willing to take a step and experience something different.I agree with you so much. Don’t write what you think it is about. Take the step to actually find out what it really is about. I can say that there is so much to it all and you need time to experience it all and discover everything that goes along with this journey of exploration, trust, love and the deeper connection that will bring you pleasure.

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    • behalle says:

      Thanks girl – you and I have had many wonderful discussions on this and it’s lovely to continued exploring

      Like

    • behalle says:

      Loved what you said girl and trust and love and understanding all work together to give us the taste and the hunger. Sometimes we are strong as people but want something else entirely

      Like

  2. ER Pierce says:

    Excellent and thought provoking post, Cass. It is certainly not a journey that people can take lightly without researching, but also without understanding their own wants and needs, desires etc. There needs to be a lot of introspection and self-reflection.

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  3. authorrainedelight says:

    Loved the post Cassandre. I am knee deep in research for my own BDSM series set in a private club and I am just scratching the tip of the iceberg as well. I am hopeful that eventually when people here BDSM they don’t hing the pain aspect but the pleasure and that there are more shades of it than what the media portrays (dateline not included).

    Like

    • behalle says:

      I’m so glad you enjoyed. It’s a fabulous journey to learn about and I try at lease some every week. Good luck with your research – there’s a lot out there you can find.

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  4. Cass, you’re dedication to writing authentically in this genre is what I believe it takes to craft a great BDSM story! Exploring and talking with others in this lifestyle is the best way to make sure you’re penning the layers and depth that are a part of D/s relationships. Thanks for the thought-provoking post this morning! 🙂

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  5. Fantastic Post!! My partners and I live the lifestyle and write BDSM/poly/M-s romance as well and are very passionate about getting realistic information about these lifestyle out there as well so I applaud your efforts. So often what is presented in stories is so over the top or just foolish that is it great to see that your organization is putting on presentations to other writers about what we really do and how we do it. If we can be of any sort of resource for you please don’t hesitate to contact us. I am Reggie Alexander and my partner writes under the pen names kasi Alexander and Cassidy Browning. Once again, thank you for your efforts to help the genre improve through education and information.

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    • behalle says:

      Wow what and incredible offer and I thank you so much and would love to know more all the time. If you can direct to anything I am like a sponge. LOL. I do think its so important and people truly don’t understand. Please, know I don’t think I know it all but I enjoy learning and growing and trying. Thank you for taking so much time with this.

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  6. Great article! There are hundreds of ways to do BDSM, polyamory, kink, leather… it’s a hard thing to explain, and there is a lot of incorrect (or overly simplistic) information out there. Wonderful point about the munches – 99% of the kink community are very normal, approachable, and safe people. Of course there are predators, but it only takes a little common sense to spot them. The public clubs take many, many precautions to ensure the safety of their members and they’re great places to watch, listen, and ask questions. Feel free to find someone who’s involved and ask to meet with them. Most of us love to answer questions and help promote tolerance and understanding of our lifestyle!
    Kasi Alexander, http://www.kasialexander.com

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    • behalle says:

      Thank you Kasi as obviously it shows I’m learning but I don’t mind saying that and looking for more ways in which to learn. You have no idea how much I appreciate you taking the time to give me your thoughts. It helps so much. I so hope I can write and do the lifestyle justice as I move more into wanting to know more for me as well. I appreciate your kind offer!

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  7. Cass, it seems your exploration into the truth behind a BDSM and/or D/s lifestyle is opening eyes and doors for a lot of people. I commend your efforts to get it right and to do your research. Once again, this another thoughtful post on what is increasing becoming a mainstream topic.

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    • behalle says:

      Thanks Benjamin. You and I have certainly talked about this many times and I very much appreciate you enjoying learning about my writing and personal journey. I hope we can continue to explore as a team further.

      Like

  8. Bleuame says:

    Excellent post :o)
    You can tell the writers who know a thing or two about the lifestyle and those who don’t. It shows in their work.
    Loved hearing about your explorations and appreciate the level of care in which you have taken on the research.

    Like

    • behalle says:

      I’ll never say I know enough and I value those also who try and learn. Thank you for your kind words. They validate I’m at least going in the right direction.

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  9. Great post! There are as many different types of D/s and BDSM relationships as there are vanilla relationships… there is no “one true way,” basically.

    There are couples into BDSM who only play in the bedroom, never go to clubs, and don’t identify as “lifestylers” – but one of them gets tied up and whipped behind closed doors… 😉 I like to read (and write) erotica that appeals to both the dabblers and the lifestylers (perhaps not all in the same book, LOL). Ain’t research fun? 😉

    Wish I was going to Nationals this year… I would have loved to go to PI’s BDSM party! 😉 I hope you post pics!

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  10. Brenna Zinn says:

    Truly excellent post. I recently completed a BDSM story for Ellora’s Cave Shivers line. I completely agree with your advice to research the topic thoroughly. There’s so much more to the lifestyle and D/s relationships than just being tied up and spanked.

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    • behalle says:

      Thank you so much Brenna. I try and be as authentic as I can and hearing comments really helps guide me in the right direction. Excellent on your book and good luck with that!

      Like

  11. tucsonmike says:

    Interesting post. Again, not something I know much about.

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  12. Thank you for introducing/mentioning ‘munches.’ I’d never heard of these in my research but may have to find one. My marriage isn’t really open to the possibility of strangers in it and my husband isn’t a comfortable Dom, so we land solidly in ‘play’ territory, but damn it’s fun! I’d like to have something public/open where I can ask my questions and get answers. Somewhere my husband won’t be mind joining me or me going without him.

    Excellent post. Thank you.

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  13. S. J. Maylee says:

    I’ve so much enjoyed these posts!! Have I told you that? Don’t want to get caught not being honest 🙂 My journey began in the ebook world. I was just casually walking along in my love for books and then pow the knock out punch. Really had no idea, not a clue. I continued onto fetlife, which opened me up to several different things and experiences. Munches here are still growing, they started as a bowling league 🙂 Of all the things my journey has brought me, the one I’m most proud of is the honesty. I no longer lie to myself. Anyways, where was I? Oh, yes, love your posts. Of course I want more folks to read BDSM stories, but I do hope they take the time to look at it closely. I think there is a little Dom or sub hiding in everyone.

    Like

    • behalle says:

      I am so glad you are enjoying these. I love to write them as I continue my exploration. It’s pretty amazing what I am indeed learning and loving every minute of it.

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  14. The bottom line of any D/s relationship is that it is a power exchange. Each person giving and receiving something from that exchange. In truth, it doesn’t have to be sexual at all, but most times is. I’ve been *extremely* fortunate in my journey into this lifestyle and have met amazing people, but in large part it’s because i kept my brain fully engaged. This can be a wonderfully rewarding exchange, but it can also be very dangerous and I see far too many women skipping down the path with their blinders on and I fear with the success of 50 Shades, that phenomena will only get worse.

    I appreciate your pushing women to educate themselves because that is the best thing you can do to not only keep yourself safe, but also to find a truly satisfying D/s relationship.

    Like

    • behalle says:

      I very much agree and hear some women talk about this like it’s a simple change in their life when it’s a tremendous decision. Thank you very much for commenting and reflecting on this. We can all learn more – I know I certainly need to.

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  15. Nacole says:

    Thank you for taking the time to learn about this instead of just writing “sexy love stories”. With 50 Shades & others, people get the wrong impression of the lifestyle and either think it is just spanking erotica or someone’s way to be abuse others.
    For me and my Sir it in nothing like that. He truly cares for my well being, needs, and desires as I his. For me being a sub is about giving yourself completely to your Dom, trusting him/her above and beyond with every part of your life & the true to desire to please him.
    Yes we have fun & play around and love that part very much, but it can also get really serious if I have done something “wrong”. After many years of this life style never has he came at me in anger & hurt me though, like some would like to believe this is all about. Sir helps me to be a better person, and I am very honored to have him in my life. The trust & love I have in this man is so hard to put into words.
    Anyhow I just wanted to thank you for taking the time to really learn more about this lifestyle. Hopefully others will learn the truth behind it and not just jump into the lifestyle with the wrong person who “Thinks” they are Doms.
    A bad Dom is no fun, 😉

    Like

    • behalle says:

      Oh Nicole – thank you for taking the time to let me know. I am NO expert and will never try and say to any degree I am close – but I want to learn and I very much respect people in the lifestyle. I hope to bring something different in my writing. You gave me a smile this morning.

      Like

  16. Jenny says:

    I have so many questions.
    I’m interested in trying to attend a meeting. I’ve no clue how to even find one in my state.
    Do you have any advice on how I might find one in my state?

    Like

  17. Sam says:

    What a great post and shameless plug for your book!

    Like

  18. edith says:

    Am a young adult in my early twenties n I realise I want smtin completely different frm d conventional bf/gf rshp. So I did sm research abt my desires n cravings. Also read sm books includin 50 shades of grey. N I realise ther’s so much ado abt BDSM. I wud like a more experienced adult to put me thru it n b a frnd. Send me an email @ Eirunokhai@yahoo.com. No scams please

    Like

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