On Becoming A Good Dom…

I know what some of you might be thinking – a very authoritative man. Hmmm… I think that’s what we all used to think and in my research for the On Becoming series, I’ve been lucky enough to not only talk to a good number of Dom’s and Domme’s on places such as Fet Life, but I also have a wonderful friend and the man who will be telling the POV of the Dom in the second in the series, fellow Naughty Nights Press author Benjamin T. Russell.

For those of you who know the first in what will be at least a trilogy, On Becoming His, you are aware the pieces are truly and emotional journey. That’s not to say there isn’t steamy hot sex, measures of control, discipline and some aspects of true BDSM in the mix, BUT… The pieces are really designed to tell an emotional story about why a woman initially, and a very strong woman in her day-to-day life, would even consider giving over what amounts to her love, trust, control, understanding, soul, body, heart and faith to a man – who will control her and discipline her as necessary.

That’s a subtle way of talking about the concept and I’ve penned many an article on sub’s – or as in the case of my female character – Jezebel’s thoughts and concerns as she moves further and deeper into this journey. As you can well imagine, Benjamin and I have had many conversations about Luke’s point of view. On the surface Luke doesn’t seem like a Dom. That begs the initial question – is there such a thing as being able to tell? Two things come to my mind. One – I hope not as they are not men in leather and chains and Two – from what I can tell, they are every day men who you would never suspect have a bent toward controlling and needing a sub to obey.

They come from every day walks of life with jobs and families and buddies they drink beer and watch football with. Perhaps a few close friends know what they hunger for, but a lot of times they tell no one. Sadly, some never find the right second (as some call the other person) and a sub who will fulfill their needs, and so they pine away for the aspect. Some might allow themselves “relationships” on places such as Fet Life and while some might come to fruition, most do not. Some might allow themselves to go to a Munch (remember this is a gathering of like minds who hunger to learn more about the D/s lifestyle in a controlled environment) and some continue to fear their anonymity. What I have found is that so many fantasize and don’t move toward fulfilling their needs.

Now Jessie’s point of view comes from the innate need to be a sub. She longs for a strong man to control her, discipline her and remind her every day how important and vital I she is to him, her Sir. Is that in her every day business activities or in her selection of make up and clothing? No. But remember, each D/s relationship is different. What I know is that a huge portion of my personality comes out in Jessie and because of that she is indeed willful and pushes back against obeying. This journey for Jessie is freeing in more than one way and allows her to explore her inner demons and the woman she always knew to be inside. Luke is the only man who has allowed her to be herself – completely and totally.

But isn’t the entire lifestyle also a journey for a man learning to be a Dom as well? I do believe Dom’s have a penchant for being this type of person from the get go. Whether the aspect is buried in their system or whether they grow more into the need as years go by, I do believe there is that guttural spark in them from very early on. The ones who truly explore in their minds first the concept, the desire and finally the absolute must have kind of need are the ones who will consider engaging in the lifestyle.

I don’t want to speak entirely for Benjamin as he is a truly dynamic man and personality who I have had the pleasure of getting to know more and more every day – but the way he has talked about presenting even a deeper side of Luke is really going to be an emotional as Jessie’s journey has been. My personal beliefs about my sexy character are that while Luke wants to control, REQUIRES a sub to obey, he does so with patience, understanding and very open and honest conversations. I want the reader to see Luke as a personable man with faults and fears of being a good Dom for her and for him as well. I know that both Ben and I see Luke as a man women need to see from the inside out and trust, even through the pages of a story. Trust is HUGE in this lifestyle and I won’t go down that path completely again as we’ve talked about how much you must have together. I will just say that trust and respect are earned.

Obeying isn’t about knowing that your ass will be beaten if you don’t follow the rules completely. The trust and the longing to be a good sub comes from the absolute respect of the man first, the partner second and the Dom third. In Jessie’s case – she needs a man who she absolutely can and will tell him everything in her life. She longs to be completely uninhibited in telling him her greatest fears and worries and frustrations knowing she won’t be made fun of and that her concepts will be nurtured.

What does that boil down to in a D/s relationship and what I consider needed attributes of a good Dom? Look and think about the key words. Love. Commitment. Patience. Understanding. Discipline. Control. Trust. Honor. Intelligence. And not necessarily in that order. They are powerful words in my mind and while some of you might think the entire package in any relationship, vanilla or D/s, that’s really not the case always. I think the words invoke powerful thoughts within me.

Benjamin asked me a rather profound question in my mind one day as were talking about Luke’s personality. He questioned whether a Dom could be loving and silly and passionate. My immediate response was of course. Why wouldn’t he be? Why couldn’t he have two sides? He’s her lover and her friend on one side (and that in my mind will never alter) and he’s her caretaker, teacher, disciplinarian and mentor on the other. But does that mean he can’t have passion and hunger like every other man to share quiet nights in front of the fire? Does that mean they can’t giggle over a silly movie together or walk hand in hand down a moonlit kissed night?

This is just my opinion but I believe that he not only can but also should allow that side of him to show. The respect for me and for Jessie lies within the complete totally of her respect for him and all his sides and her need – absolute without a doubt need – to obey him and please him. She doesn’t want his disappointed face or his deep sighs. She doesn’t want to hear they miscommunicate. She wants him to smile and laugh and share joys with her, even though she might need a moment or ten of discipline. No matter the day, the moment they are sharing or the concept of what he’s asking her – she has such a need burning within her never to disappoint him that she can see both sides and appreciate the man and her Dom. What do you think?

Jessie knows she’s willful and she realizes how much she needs to control but she also needs his trust. He does challenge her in methods even she’s not aware of. I love the dichotomy of the two in how they interact. Here’s a tiny little flash for you as to how much she loves the man and how much she needs to obey him.


Jessie had asked herself that question on more than one occasion. Laughing softly to herself, she fiddled with the bright crimson bow on the silver foiled package and could envision his face when he opened the present. She’d been buying him little treats lately and simply seeing his eyes twinkle from realizing why she’d selected what she did for him truly gave her tingles sweeping through every portion of her body.

“Whew.” Here she was already hot and wet and in almost desperate need to have his cock slip inside her. Fanning her face, Jessie took a sip of her wine and glanced at the clock. “Soon, my Sir.” She carefully placed the package on the table, knowing he’d see the colorful box right away, and walked into the family room to wait, on her knees as required.

Thank God she didn’t have to wait long. Hearing the soft click of the front door, she could hear his moving into the kitchen. When she heard nothing for a few minutes she had to fight to remain on her knees. A trickle of juice slid down her inner thigh, reminding her just how famished she was to have him fill her, take her roughly as she so enjoyed. Jessie wiped the single bead of perspiration from her cheek and waited – and she wasn’t a patient woman. As she heard the rustle of paper she inhaled deeply. Would he approve?


Interesting wasn’t a word she liked to hear him say. Clenching her fist, Jessie could hear him making a drink. Nerves almost over took her. It was several minutes before he walked into the room.

“I see my Kitty Kat has been busy.”

“Yes, Sir. I missed you, Sir.” Was he angry? Was he displeased?

Holding up the cane, Luke shook his head. “What inspired such a wicked method of discipline? Do you need to tell me something?”

Seeing the spark in his eye, she nodded slowly. “Yes, sir.”

Luke took a long gulp of his drink and set the glass down carefully. “Well then, Jezebel, we won’t make you wait long for your punishment. But first you know what you need to do.”

Her heart racing, Jessie crawled toward him. The moment she freed his throbbing shaft, she sighed. This was her Sir.

I hope you enjoyed a little taste of what might be in the second in the HOT BDSM trilogy – On Becoming Her Sir.

Kisses   xxx


Don’t forget to take a peek at the On Becoming His Page listed on my blog for all kinds of sexy flash and other excerpts including a few poems of Jessie’s magical journey.




About Cassandre Dayne

Cassandre Dayne is the pseudo for the best selling author of romantic suspense and thrillers
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5 Responses to On Becoming A Good Dom…

  1. I want to say that this was a amazing and very insightful post. I do agree that people have this vision of that a Dom is, almost not human. But the truth is, they are very human and just as a sub they have their own journey to take. Things to learn, things to accept about themselves, about what they feel, how they feel. Each person in the D/s relationship has something to experience and to learn about themselves. I’m no expert but I shall say, I know trust is huge and without it you can’t enter into something so deep and something that connects people together in such an unbelievable way. I’ve been fortunate to talk to you both and have learned so much. Everything takes time and patience when you are going into something new. In the end it shall be well worth the wait if it is what you truly want.


    • behalle says:

      Thank you sweet lady and it is important to depict both sides as emotional as possible because the journey has twists and turns along the way. Mistakes are made and understanding needs to continue. I think Benjamin will do a great job with Luke’s POV.


  2. Misty Dietz says:

    Wow, learning loads here. I had no idea that this lifestyle is so wholistically incorporated. From your post, it seems like this type of relationship is almost more psychological than physical – the complete opposite of the stereotypes that seem to be out there… Very interesting indeed. Thanks for sharing. I will be back. 🙂


    • behalle says:

      Hey Misty – it is much more complex than anyone understands. They are thinking 50 shades when that part is only a small section of what happens. The emotional nurturing end is so vital or the relationship will fail. This is not about hand cuffs and flogging nor about dungeons and torture = although some does exist and people must be careful. For most this is about control. That’s why I wrote On Becoming His and why the trilogy will continue. Please ask anything. I am NO expert but I have spent a great deal of time learning more every day.


      • Misty Dietz says:

        It’s the “control” part I don’t really understand because it seems so entwined in my head with psychological abuse – not nurturing. I guess I need to read more to try to understand this *consensual* type of relationship because I don’t want to judge a lifestyle based on the truly “self-shattering, abusive, and controlling relationship” I’ve seen in real life.


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