Entering Into a D/s Lifestyle…Phase One


Ever since I really started looking into the special and sometimes complicated world of BDSM and then further into a D/s relationship I’ve been getting questions. Some people, who aren’t in the lifestyle at all, are merely curious while others have really wanted to delve much deeper. I think I’ve always been interested in the concept and not simply from what most people might think of as the sexual aspects of BDSM. There is so much more to what people share, whether same sex or het sex. I think that’s why On Becoming His was created – for me to explore I
guess my needs for writing and for my personal self and to really learn more about the relationships. They are completely multi-facetted. The story has been quite cathartic and surprises me every day how much I enjoy learning and growing as my characters do.

On Becoming His is a very personal journey about one woman who is finally delving into hungering for D/s. She’s lived what she thinks is a completely vanilla life up to this point and the relationships haven’t been working. She longs for more and given she’s in her forties she can’t believed it’s taken her until now to get it. When she does she meets a wonderful man who will become her Sir, she really has to delve into so many aspects of her emotions and questions. Why? Why now? Why him? Can she handle the change? Can she trust – both herself and Luke? And still the question always goes back to why.

I think that for anyone who has been in a more traditional lifestyle and they are curious about more than simply fuzzy handcuffs and a fake flogger, then they have to ask these questions. And they need to more than once. The answers I can tell you aren’t easy to obtain. Now the concept of pain and pleasure – as with BDSM – doesn’t necessarily enter into the D/s lifestyle but it can. Every situation and every couple decides what they want and what they need.

D/s is about certain rather traditional aspects including the fact the Dom or Domme (male/female) is in control – at all times. Now, the truth is the “sub” is in a sense in controls but the reality is the sub is giving him or herself to their Dom in more than one way. There are so many aspects about the relationship – or as in On Becoming His – a journey that it’s almost mind boggling. As Benjamin Russell and I continue to bring you more about Jessie and Luke from flashes to little snippets, we both receive questions and the most incredible comments from readers who want more – they want more answers. They want to know how and why and… Well, you might get my drift.

So I thought I’d bring you a little thought process in a few blogs over the next couple of weeks and Benjamin and I get ready to bring you On Becoming His – Lessons Learned. The first really is about the basic question and one I think for everyone IF they are remotely considering this concept of a lifestyle – why?

There are many aspects of the why but the very first one – at least in my mind – is why is the desire there in the forefront of your mind? And this isn’t just a simple wanting such as you desire to try a ménage. Entering into a D/s lifestyle as either a Dom or a sub will change every aspect of your life hands down and completely. Again every couple is different but you will alter your complete time together. Gone is total equality in the sense of two people always making decisions. For the sake of this blog I’m going to talk about the Dom being a man – as in Luke. Do I think you either start out as a D or s or grow into the concept? I’m not sure I can really address that. For some I think the need is innate like breathing and while the longing might have started early on it’s just there suddenly to the point you have to have.

Perhaps for others its about tasting and trying and then you realize but I truly think you are or you’re not ready or interested in more, but you just don’t know what to do with the understanding perhaps.

So you have this thought process in your mind and now you’re thinking – am I nuts or sick or should I squelch the feelings? First of all HELL NO. This is not weird or sick, it’s beautiful and freeing and the most powerful feeling I think there can be. Secondly you are allowed to enjoy and engage and try – as long as you and your partner agree. I think many couples are afraid to admit what they want and so they live out their lives in a very vanilla situation, growing more and more unhappy each year. That’s truly no way to live or enjoy your life. If you want this change you have to talk…and then talk and talk again. That’s the very first step in getting from point a to point b but really you need to spend time thinking and asking yourself all the why’s we all are going to have. You have to be completely and totally honest with yourself.

That’s why I’m calling this blog post honesty. Without being true to YOU first and then to your partner, if you’re involved, you’re never going to have you not only need in your life but want almost desperately. If you have even an inkling that this is something you must have in your life you need to spend a lot of time by yourself thinking for yourself and no one else. Read about the lifestyle – and I don’t mean frothy erotic romances that simply give you the sultry side of sex and kink. I’m talking about from practiced couples who live this. There are forums and munches (gatherings of people with like interests in safe locations to share and talk) and the Internet can be a great took. As with anything be careful.

If you’ve read a hell of a lot and really think you’re ready, take more time – a LOT of time making certain you’re ready. If you don’t you’re going to be very unhappy and really not understanding of what you’re asking and wanting and needing and…  You get the picture. This goes whether you’re the D or the s. Either way you have to nor and really be honest and true to you, no one else first. Keep asking why and what you think will change and what has to change and then you’re ready to move into phase two – which is honesty with your partner or in meeting someone who might change your life.

That’s for another blog. I hope you’ve enjoyed.

Kisses   xxx


About Cassandre Dayne

Cassandre Dayne is the pseudo for the best selling author of romantic suspense and thrillers
This entry was posted in Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

1 Response to Entering Into a D/s Lifestyle…Phase One

  1. I think you have hit it on the nail head again Cassandre. We must know ourselves first. I think that knowing our basic boundaries and what we are looking for is first. Then expand on them. I was raised with a dominant mother and I think that is why I wish for a dominant man. This is my point of view. The head of the household sort of thing. The main unit comes first. Would I want to be told I can’t think or feel a certain way? No way. But I do know that for me, guidance and a firm hand is what I need and desire. I like to not HAVE to be incontrol all the time, to make those decisions. Being honest with myself is the key. You have done well with this blog and even though I always enjoy your words, I think that you will open some other’s eyes. I cannot wait for the next book and though I do not live in the lifestyle, I am able to put myself in Jessie’s shoes and enjoy all of it.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s