Continuing Into the D/s Lifestyle…Honesty and Communication

As I promised we’re going to talk a little bit more about delving further into the D/s lifestyle. For those of you who know me and why I’m doing this, it’s because of my very personal journey with the On Becoming His Collection, a series of sexy yet highly emotional pieces I’m writing with Benjamin Russell. As he and I continue nearly daily to talk about how to progress the story in a very believable fashion – truly depicting the incredible journey they’re both going through – we talk about the different stages the couple goes endures and ventures into, both with such joy and anticipation. Yet for both of the them a trepidation continues. They both long to make certain the other is happy in the choices they’ve made together and further truly coming to grips with their roles.

While every D/s couple is different, there are certain aspects that do remain constant — it’s simply how the Dom and the sub process their inner thoughts and desires. Turning the thought process into action is daunting and exhilarating and terrifying and special and… Well, you get the point. The very first question of course Benjamin asked me about Jessie, my heroine from the story, is why. Why does she want to do this? In the first blog we tackled the fact that every person again is different in how they’re going to process their needs and the deep and sometimes dark secrets they have buried so deep inside they can barely admit their desires to themselves, let along anyone else. But now they have. For the sake of this piece we’re going to have the sub a female.

Close your eyes for just a minute and imagine the very thought that you hunger for something else in your relationship or with a member of the opposite or same sex. Have you been in a very vanilla situation and one that’s not satisfying? That very thought might be part of the reason you’re looking further but truthfully you’ve probably always had the deep seeded need to be a submissive or a dominant and didn’t know what the desires meant.

For Jessie of course she truly always believed she had the side in her. While she longed and thought about a controlling partner, she was fearful of asking or speaking out to anyone about her longings. For Luke, he has always been a Dom and enjoyed a lifestyle with a woman he cared for deeply. Things sometimes don’t always work out right in D/s relationships as they don’t in the more vanilla aspects so for both entering into the exploration together continues to mean they are breaking down walls they’ve put up for various reasons.

You’ve asked yourself very hard questions and now know at the basics of answers and you’re excited and overwhelmed by the shining light of self discovery. So, what happens now that you’ve begun to explore these needs perhaps by reading a sexy book or surfing the Internet to find out more? From what I know your hunger builds. You start looking at everything and anything that can not only give you information but also give you the very reasons for why you want so damn badly your heart beats wildly every time you merely think about being owned and controlled by a man, a true Dominant. Perhaps you even go so far as to find a site like Fet Life that you join and create a persona and then feel somewhat comfortable hiding behind the anonymity and the magic of the Internet airwaves to delve into asking a question or two, surprised as hell when people actually answer you.

Then maybe even you begin to broach some topics with your friends at lunch, you know ladies talking a bit about spanking and then maybe asking if they’ve ever had any fantasies about being tied up by a man or would they allow someone complete control. You wait for their reactions and I can tell you the very first person (and there will be at least one) who says anything bad or pushes the thought away as being ridiculous will indeed shove you into a corner. One word of caution – people who don’t understand something will always give pushback. This isn’t something you’re doing for them but for YOU and your partner or the person you will find to share this beautiful experience with. You may never tell some of your closest friends and family the decisions you’ve made. That is something only YOU know if and when you’re comfortable with.

Now it’s time to truly take the first big leap of faith – trying to achieve what you now know instinctively inside of you is a MUST. You’re ready. You’ve given yourself a pep talk and now you want to express your inner most desires, no matter how others might see them. Don’t snicker. This takes guts. If you’ve lived your entire life in a vanilla your entire life, this is going to be one of the most difficult things you’ve ever done, but trust me when you do you’re going to feel a blissful freeing feeling like you’ve never known. If you have a partner, how are you going to tell them what you want and crave? Think about the thought for a minute and contemplate. Does your husband, boyfriend, wife or significant other have any idea you long to be owned? Does he or she know you have a penchant for discipline, realizing you have to have someone in control of portions of your life? My guess is that the majority of you will say no.

So for those of you reading this you’re probably asking yourself – okay lay out how to do this. Just like there is no same way in any of these relationships, this is very personal within you and with your partner. If you don’t have a partner then this begins another journey entirely of learning how and when to trust someone, but that’s a separate issue and we’ll talk about that later. For now this is between someone you already trust and care for. What do you say and when? How much to you delve into? I suggest you sit down and tell them you honestly want to talk to them about something very important in your life and that you need their undivided attention. Whether you’re having a glass in front of the fire or out for a walk, I certainly suggest the kids aren’t around and you aren’t out in public simply to allow you private time. He or she will ask you questions. Of course they will and then my guess to is some will go silent, taking in and processing what you’ve said. Don’t be worried or pull back. Simply allow them the time they’re going to need and this might be hours, days or weeks.

Above all be honest and be up front. Be loving and know that you’re not certain of all they answers. They’re going to likely ask – what’s wrong? Can’t I please you in bed? Aren’t I good sexually? This is some to do with sex but the lifestyle is NOT about sex. There are so many portions and aspects you can’t put anything into a neat box. You simply can’t. Can you? No. Even today as I talk with Benjamin we realize there are so many topics we haven’t discussed, we haven’t even thought about. Trust me, you will go through fears and tears and heart flutters and question after peppering question – both from within you and from your partner. Expect and don’t push back. Answer honestly. Hence the name of the blog. You have to continue to be absolutely honest about this process. You have to explain what you know and what you want to learn. When they tell you they’ll handcuff you to the bed and ask is that good enough, you have to know how to answer that question. You need to truly help then understand this comes from within YOU, not something they’ve done wrong in what you already share. This is something you can really enjoy learning about too – if you want aspects of discipline including spanking or more, then you’re grow together.

They may ask if you love them. This one is the easiest answer of all for me. You can happily tell them you love and respect them more than anything in the world, which is why you’re able to share the joys and fears of what you’re becoming – a Dom or a sub. And if you don’t feel this way, the lifestyle will never work. From here you’re going to simply have to explore and share together. If the love of your life truly understands you’re going to begin sharing something together that is powerful and beautiful but you have to accept that this is going to take time – lots and lots of time. And questions. And heartache. And tears. And fears. And…honesty. Are you ready for the journey? My guess is if you’ve read this and grown excited, your heart racing, you’re more than ready. Now, you have to take more time and think and learn and grow. Now begins the most beautiful journey you’re ever going to take and one sharing with another person is incredible and very freeing.

Next we’ll talk about certain aspects of D/s versus BDSM – is there a difference?  By the way Benjamin and I have a Facebook Fan Page in case you’re interested in hot excerpts and passages about the lifestyle.

Kisses   xxx


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About Cassandre Dayne

Cassandre Dayne is the pseudo for the best selling author of romantic suspense and thrillers
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9 Responses to Continuing Into the D/s Lifestyle…Honesty and Communication

  1. Honestly…I love that you stress that that D/s relationship is a relationship and that sex is a sidebar to what the lifestyle is about.


  2. I love, love, love this post. Excellent work.


  3. You’ve touched on some key points here, Cass. Truly insightful!


  4. Great post Cassandre! I like also that you point out that every journey is going to be different. I’m looking forward to your next post – because I have some opinions on that as well 😉


  5. Cass, as usual you’ve done an excellent job of outlining the issues and putting the appropriate emphasis on key points. Delving into a D/s relationship is sooooo much more than what happens in the bedroom. Yes, some BDSM will certainly add sparks to the sex. However, living a D/s life 24/7 is a major commitment for both Dom and Sub. Absolute honesty and communication is a must.

    Just to bring the topic up requires a level of trust with your partner that to be honest, not every couple has. As Cass pointed out, it’s risky business to bring up a topic, well into an otherwise vanilla relationship, that some people consider kinky. The great thing about exploring some aspect of D/s at this particular point in time, is that 50 Shades has opened the door on the topic. Now someone who might want to bring up the subject with his or her mate, can simply use 50 Shades as a starting point for the conversation.

    All in all, I’m learning much about myself and my friend Luke the more I explore this lifestyle. My thanks goes out to Cass for accompanying me on this journey. Muwah!!@


  6. AuroraRose Andromeda says:

    This article is amazing, it really opened my eyes. To questions I need to ask for myself. As an individual exploring this new lifestyle. I am reading and posting as well as meeting many people. I want to grow within this lifestyle and I have always had a curiosity and now I am taking that curiosity further. You are right to say sex isn’t the main idea of having a Dom or a sub. Its for me personally, a sense of belonging. I crave it and want to feel that I belong somewhere with someone. I want that sense or feeling inside of me that says yes you belong and are cared for. Touch and being held is another aspect I look within this lifestyle for as I dive deeper into this new world. I feel more people are open and friendlier within this lifestyle. Sure there are some “sketchy” individuals but they are there in the vanilla world too. I look forward to finding my Dom one day, but till then I plan on exploring and learning from others along the way. Great, great article. Hugs! 🙂



  7. Kathy Lewis says:

    Cassandre, great job. I read the second part first. I completely agree with everything you written. Communication is very big and taking it slow to know what you want from it.


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