Deeper Into the D/s Lifestyle… Exploration and Building More Trust

In my continuing series of blogs on moving into the D/s lifestyle I’ve hopefully given you a myriad of tastes about what your can anticipate emotionally and almost spiritually as you truly delve into your inner soul. There’s a hell of a lot more to think about than anyone realizes, including those perhaps somewhat versed in the desire and the lifestyle. There is no way in these few blogs I can either cover everything or give you every side or flavor. There just isn’t and that’s because each couple has to take these steps themselves and in doing so their decisions will be determined by various aspects around them. The few constants do remain very clear – honesty, trust, love, patience, understanding, tolerance, acceptance. Those are truly just a few of the words and as I continue my personal journey in writing and for the woman inside, my personal list is growing as they will for every Dom/Domme and every sub – or they should.

First of all I want to say a very HUGE thank you to all of you who have taken the time to comment. Whether you live in and understand the lifestyle or simply are curious, you’ve given me a lot to think about and I value your honesty and opinions. Last week I made a comment about entering into a contract of sorts when you move into this type of relationship and she pointed out few people do that any longer. Well, I have talked to several who have and would do that again BUT let’s break this down about what I’m talking about. Her point is well taken. That sounds too formal. Some might consider a signed piece of paper, perhaps that could stand up in court but the truth is we’re really talking about laying out concepts and expectations, sometimes rules to be followed. It’s laid out plainly for both the Dom and the sub and meant to be studied and added to and then both agree as the couple begins their journey. It is my no means meant NEVER to change or allow for growth – that’s my opinion anyway.

I think as with any relationship, if you don’t allow growth you’re going to stagnate, therefore the very beginning of why and what you’re doing could become lost in the sea of complacency. Besides, there is NO way for a couple in the early stages of building a bond and trust to know what they’re going to want in five months, let alone five years. You can’t. Every day I read or learn more and share with Benjamin as we continue writing about Jessie and Luke and I’m more curious and hungry. Hungry to try, hungry to experience and hungry to have Jessie embrace. I truly think a set of rules to aid in guidance is a very helpful tool for couple especially who may have never had this before in their lives. Whether you’re currently with a partner or looking, you really need to explore what you want to share and experience and grow into and finally anticipate having the rest of your lives together in this lifestyle.

Now that you know you really want to enter into this and you and your partner are learning more about each other, spending days and nights talking, you’re curious as to more of what’s out there, right? I’ve already mentioned places you can go to learn and discuss like Fet Life and other forums. You can join groups in your area to get together and talk and share stories and ideas and yes sometimes engage in activities if you both are ready, but you’re not in any way require to. They are typically called Munches and they are safe and fun at the same time. You meet in public place and simply spend time with each other. Wonderful idea. I have found that people who truly embrace the lifestyle are so helpful in giving you aspects of what has worked and what they enjoy and information on where to garner more knowledge. Knowledge as well as understanding is vital here. You need to strive at least every week to learn more about what you “think” you want because your thoughts today are going to be different than your thoughts in a month.

The Internet is a wonderful tool of course and you can spend hours reading and looking and finding blogs. Whether you’re into adding BDSM right away or not, as I talked about in my previous blog, or simply see this as the sub longing to give all of him or herself to her Dom, being completely devoted in body and soul, you’re going to find what you’re interested in. For me what I see personally and for Jessie is still so much more about the woman’s utter desire to submit to Luke in body and soul. Her trust in Luke continues to build every day in his actions and how he has begun to mold her in a way of helping her grow into the woman she’s always wanted to be. That is part of this. Jessie’s desire is not unlike any other true submissive who longs to be a better woman (or man), both inside and out. This is very personal for all of us and we know what we feel we’re lacking in and the Dom is our guide as well as we are his in this exploration.

You’re going to truly explore together so many aspects from what you want to share sexually, what rules he expects and requires you to follow and how he demands you act in public. Now these might seem like strong words to the vanilla person but close your eyes for a minute and think about what I’m talking about. Do you have a craving to let go, have another make certain life decisions knowing that your can trust his judgment completely? Don’t you long to come home from a hard day at the office and simply know what you need to do and how you need to act?

This is VERY simplistic (and merely a taste) and for me and for Jessie this is not only freeing but enlightening and electrifying. It’s a concept for so many submissives that is so powerful. Giving up certain aspects of control is in an odd sense allowing you more control over your life. Unless you feel this deep in your soul you may not understand but allow the thought to settle in your mind. As I mentioned this isn’t all about sex, sometimes has little to do with it, but those in the lifestyle have told me their level of intimacy has shot off the charts. You are being so open in your sharing and your growth together that you have been talking about anything and everything. How could you not be turned on at times or feel so close emotionally to the person? You just will be. The bond you are building is amazing.

You may begin to explore sexual concepts and I strongly encourage but also know that you have to continue to be very honest with each other or the trust can’t build. If the Dom wants to tie you up and you are claustrophobic then I see a difficult time in the future. But if he knows this and begins your journey into this level of exploration perhaps gently and with full understanding, you may both enjoy this at a later date. You simply have to talk and continue talking and continue exploring. There are many aspects but I caution you STRONGLY. If you don’t know about some of these kinky acts that you will read about, don’t do them right away. You could hurt yourself or your partner at worst and at best turn them off if not handled accurate. Even using a flogger isn’t something you simply jump into. There are techniques and like anything else you can read about them. You can also be mentored by true Masters of what I think is art so just think about what you’re getting into and have respects for you, your partner and the craft.

I will say again as you’re developing this bank of items you want or need, thoughts as a Dom about what you won’t tolerate any longer or items perhaps you want your sub to work on in regards to behavior, keep a list. For subs as you begin your personal journey you’re going to learn what bothers you about yourself. Items that come to mind are patience and what you’ve heard termed a “potty” mouth. Another is back talking your Dom or saying NO to everything he asks. You’re going to know. You are also keeping a list and then as you truly get to the place you’re going to make the change into this lifestyle, you have something to discuss and both of you agree on. Hmmm…

Maybe people believe this lifestyle entails discipline and yes, it certainly does but there are many forms and I’m going to go into a little bit of this in my next blog. For now here is the promise or almost like a prayer that Jessie has given Luke. These is my personal thoughts for her as a woman in her level of growth. I see this list evolving over time but for her it’s a quiet place of reverence. I hope you’re enjoy and if you’re entering into this lifestyle or are already in, I’d love to hear your promise if you care to choose.

On Becoming His Submissive

Jessie’s Promise


I will be truthful at all times with my Sir as well as with myself

I will strive every day to be a better and more loving person

I will honor my Sir in every act and every word, realizing the reflection of our life I share

I will understand I will falter in my behavior and learn to forgive my misguided ways

I will never fault my Sir for punishment given

I will ask for what I want, knowing I may not be allowed

I will learn how to please him in my continual journey into devotion

I will willingly take any punishment Sir requires without complaining, allowing my inner self to learn

I will educate myself every day with regard to our journey in order to completely embrace the lifestyle and my place

I will realize my Sir will falter in his methodology and help him understand more about my inner being and our combined desires

I will never deny him sex for any reason, as the shared intimacy is a special connection and one that must grow stronger

I will never disrespect my Sir in public

I will strive to become more spiritual in my thoughts and needs about our lifestyle

I will allow him control in every aspect of my life, knowing he only wants the very best for me

I will promise to love and cherish his needs above my own

I will honor his requests and relish as my own

I will forever give him reasons to want more

I will…love

I promise

I hope you’ve enjoyed…




About Cassandre Dayne

Cassandre Dayne is the pseudo for the best selling author of romantic suspense and thrillers
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12 Responses to Deeper Into the D/s Lifestyle… Exploration and Building More Trust

  1. Kathy Lewis says:

    Cassandre, this was very good. It really makes me think. I think Jessie’s Promise can be used by the vanilla person as well. I think if your mind is in the right place, relationships can flourish and grow. Very insightful today. Thanks.


  2. I am loving your insight. To go from a closed society that never talks of such to one that is so open is a true relief. The promise is perfect the level of devotion you give your Dom and your Dom to you is unimaginable to the average person. Most married couples dont reach that level after 50 yrs of marriage. Thank you for discussing this it doesnt belong in the closet anymore…


    • behalle says:

      Thank you very much for the compliments. I wanted to bring this out in a way that doesn’t seem so kinky or terrifying and hopefully I’ve done that. It’s important to me for my story and I think my life. I appreciate more than you know your comments.


  3. A very detailed compilation of a world most do not understand. I myself only write about it lightly and it always heats up the reader. Cassandra Dayne however, has showed here how it is an entire life changing experience to journey to some sexual heights. Wonderful article.


  4. Cassandre, you have written a deeply insightful piece and your words are giving many of your fans tasty food for thought. As I’ve traveled with you on this journey to learn more about the D/s lifestyle and what it personally means to me to be a Dom, there are two very important things I’ve come to appreciate about the role of a submissive.

    1. Submission is a precious gift to be given freely and that it is not something to ever be taken by force.
    2. The gift of submission from a sub must be cherished, protected and nurtured at all costs.

    I instinctively always knew those two points to be true, because it’s my nature to want to give love and guidance. However, this journey of research and exploration into the D/s lifestyle has awakened cravings and needs I previously failed to acknowledge.


  5. AuroraRose Andromeda says:

    I love your blogs about this journey for you and Jessie. I am stepping slowly into this lifestyle, but I am no where as close as Jessie is within hers as she is much more advanced than I am. I love how you make her so devoted to her Dom, her lover Luke. Wanting to serve him and be everything she can for Luke. I’ve thought about creating a contract for when/if I do find a Dom. But only time will tell then if I decide to keep it or whether I’d even need the contract. As you said what you want today may change later as one grows deeper into this lifestyle. Awesome job! I look forward to reading your blog posts on BDSM and a Ds/ world. I have learned a lot through these readings. The most important of the whole idea is trust and honesty. If you don’t have them, there can no be a relationship whether it be in this lifestyle or in a vanilla lifestyle. Thank you 🙂


  6. As always your words are beautiful and heartfelt. I enjoy reading about your experiences as well as Jessie’s. On Becoming His is one of my favorite books ever, and I can’t wait for more.


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