The Flavors of a D/s Relationship…Discipline & Punishment

I call them flavors but I this is really about aspects within a D/s lifestyle. For those of you who have been following this blog, you know I’ve tried to give you at least a basic high level overview of the very emotional sides of this soul searching journey and you probably have gathered that there is nothing set in stone nor is the concept itself easy to grasp. You can’t understand all the very personal and emotional levels of this unless you begin at least the thinking process. So many of us are terrified to try something new and to allow our inner souls to have and experience what we want. Our very lives are filled with complacency and we simply give in to boredom and the basics of moving through day to day life with drudgery and still longer. You long for more money. You long to have a better job. You long to be the rock star you wanted to be in college. You long to have more passion in your relationship. And what did you do? You gave up. Come on and admit it. Haven’t you?

It’s not a crime. So many of us have. We forgot about the little girl or boy living deep inside and the one who hungers for so much more. Why not allow yourself to at least in your mind think about having more? I know all the reasons why not. Sadly. But for a few of us in writing books or in real life who have moved into something else, we continue to take steps into this journey and it’s enlightening. Let’s continue this wonderful journey.

Now for most D/s couples there are rules that must be followed and obeyed and while the sub has accepted her role (remember I’m basing this on Jessie and Luke’s story but the sub could very well be a man) and her requirements, she is a strong and willful woman and continues to push back against Luke’s control. Sometimes this is subconscious and sometimes conscious but she does and Luke gets frustrated as hell. This is going to happen in every D/s relationship. I don’t believe this will ever stop completely even though the more time you spend together I do think the frequency will slow way down. If not then there may be more of an underlying problem.

If rules are broken, what happens? Well as in real life there are consequences and discipline and or punishment should be involved. Don’t you honestly think so? What types of discipline are we talking about here? There are many forms and lately I’ve been reading about some very creative methods. I think for each couple again there are things that are going to work and things that aren’t and you simply have to learn and change your methodologies as your continue through the months of learning what works and what doesn’t. This sometimes isn’t easy. As more of vanilla person in your relationship, you may simply be thinking spanking, and yes this is use often, but there are other methods. Let’s look at the concept first and then I’ll give you some other ideas.

Discipline and punishment for many subs is a vital aspect of her learning and growing as a submissive and in talking with so many women, they CRAVE discipline in their lives. They long to be spanked and taken in hand or over the knee. They truly want to tell their husbands that they need this and for many they simply can’t mention it. Feminists, do NOT come running to me with a stick in hand, but I am beginning to see that our men in society have become emasculated by society or perhaps the needs of women to be stronger and sometimes I’m not so sure that’s a good thing. Let’s look at the divorce rates. Perhaps if more were with an HOH – Head of Household, then things would be different. It’s tough to tell. Well, to each their own but rest assured that I think more women really want almost harsh discipline in their lives even though they may not want a D/s lifestyle. The want cause and effect.

For the sake of this blog we know there is going to be what is also called Corporal Punishment and for those in some D/s relationships they also practice DD or Domestic Discipline which goes hand in hand in my opinion. The cause and effect I was talking about. If the sub does something wrong, disobeys in certain ways, she IS going to be punished. This might entail many things but for many there might be spankings. In the DD situation there are many types of spankings from maintenance – where the couple engages in regular spankings that don’t happen because of infractions but simply to keep the sub in a right mind space. Some use stress relieving spankings. Your Dom knows you’re on edge and filled with tension and an excellent releaser if to be taken over his knee and given a hard spanking. Trust me it works. You are no longer thinking about the asshole client!

For others there are good girl spankings. This is more pleasurable in a way and the sub is given the attention and the love she needs and feels close to her Dom. There are also punishment spankings and designed to hurt and designed to make you cry and sometimes there are marks and sometimes there aren’t. I’m going to add my cautionary bit here that before you enter into any of these punishments I’m suggesting, not only talk to your sub but you need to learn for safety etc. You simply have to or permanent damage could be done.

Spankings I personally think are vital. I know as a woman I would benefit from them. Why? For me personally I know I can get out of control with my mouth and my behavior and realizing there are consequences for my actions would truly help me think. I also know the stress relievers would be amazing for me. For Jessie, this is already a part of her discipline and while the belt hasn’t been used yet – it’s coming. Yes, there are many things that can be used as an implement and I could spend hours on them but for man you think of the belt. I do think you have to talk and realize this is harsh.

I’ve had the question – but she likes spankings. How will one help if she likes them? Oh I honestly believe the play spanking is and should be entirely different. She is going to know she disappointed her Dom and already be disappointed in herself in her behavior. The spanking is going to be anticipated in a completely different way than if you play spank before a sensuous moment of intimacy. And the methods should be different. Typically the punishment and maintenance etc are bare bottom or naked and the concept is a bit humiliating and should be. After all you’ve done something wrong.

When you couple spankings with other forms of punishment, like removal of privileges, then the punishment can become more effective.

What are some of the other concepts? Okay, how about good old fashioned corner time? Yes, it works and works well. Think about if your Dom orders you to strip and you are required to stand naked in the corner before the spanking, anticipating what he’s going to use, how long the spanking is going to be and how much it’s going to hurt. Isn’t that a powerful deterrent? For many Dom’s they use a during the spanking corner time as well. For most punishment spankings they are going to last for a little while – the times vary but some last as long as an hour (the entire process). This is all about your level of infractions and how your relationship works. So a break in the middle is a good idea to allow you to regroup as a sub and for him to calm down some as well. Never in my
opinion should a Dom hit when angry. He has to be calm and rational.

Then after the spanking a solid corner time I think is a benefit for the sub to reflect on her actions and why she needed a spanking. It’s also a closing for both and then you go on with your night.

Soap in the mouth is another effective method and again, don’t do this without reading about this because you could choke the sub or they could be allergic to the ingredients. I’ve read enough to know that the typical method is using old fashioned Ivory soap, slightly warmed in water and then either the soap is rubbed across teeth and gums or the sub does take it into her mouth for a period of time – that might be for minutes as she spends time in the corner or while she receives part of her spanking. The taste lingers for hours no matter how you try to remove it with food or drink. Why would you use this? If I shot my mouth off to my Dom on a regular basis, don’t you think this would make me think twice? Uh, I can only imagine maybe having this method of punishment a couple of times and getting it. Whew.

There are other forms including enemas and the use of butt plugs, being taken sexually and being tied, but we’ll get into that later. When you are thinking about this lifestyle again, this is all to be discussed and learned and read about but I do think you’re going to have some levels of discipline – you almost have to. I hope this has given you a taste anyway.

Enjoy your continued explorations together and give me your thoughts. I love to hear them.

Kisses   xxx


About Cassandre Dayne

Cassandre Dayne is the pseudo for the best selling author of romantic suspense and thrillers
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6 Responses to The Flavors of a D/s Relationship…Discipline & Punishment

  1. Kathy Lewis says:

    Cassandre, Thank you for your insights. As always, you give us something to think about until your next blog.


  2. Brittany says:

    May I ask how I can get my husband to understand this life style? I enjoy it very much and he has never done it I finally told him and I told him to research it he has but when he ties me up he says he doesn’t want to hurt me but I tell him my limits. Should one time I show him what I like? Please giver your thoughts I’m lost on what to do!


    • Brittany – thank you so much for talking with me. First of all you both have to sit down and talk about the lifestyle and your respective desires and needs. This is a journey for you both together and separately in that reading and learning will help but talking and being open is key and must happen often. Once he begins to understand you, he has to also explore his thought and needs. Talk with others in the lifestyle, read as much as you can – both of you and even consider joining sites like Fet Life – just to know what’s out there. I’ll be glad to answer any questions you may have any time. I’m no expert but I have a Dom who will be happy to talk to your husband if he’d feel comfortable. Read some of my more current blogs to gather a flavor about John Patrick as well.


  3. cassy says:

    How would I go about punising my man. He went out and kissed another without talking to me. Any insight qould be helpful. Thank you.


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