Continuing Into the D/s Lifestyle…Change and Imposing Rules

Today I’m continuing to take you deeper into the D/s lifestyle in what has been a very personal journey for me as well as for many readers. I am honored at just how much this seems to touch people. There have been so many wonderful comments and I thank all of you. You’ve embraced On Becoming His and helped me grow as a person and as a writer. If you’ve been following the blogs at all over the last few weeks then you know there are many processes both the Dom and the sub go through. If you’ve lived a more vanilla life then even suggesting moving into such a dramatically different lifestyle is daunting and terrifying for both the Dom and the sub. But now you’ve talked and talked again, spent days and sometimes weeks really delving into your soul, thinking about whether this is right for you and now you’re both ready. Or perhaps you’ve been talking and dating with a new man and you’re both ready to explore a more permanent relationship including D/s.

You’ve also really looked and explored aspects of what you want and the kind of relationship you’re going to have together. Sharing a heightened level of intimacy might be a given, but you still have to continue to allow every inhibition to fall away, opening up your heart and soul to the other and this will continue to be a journey with small steps and fear, longing and excitement. You’re going to go through every emotion you’ve ever experienced before. You’re going to have good days and bad days and you have to forgive yourself first and foremost of what you’re attempting to do will fail.

What happens after your decisions are made about entering into the lifestyle? What now? You’re both going to have to set expectations or in a sense rules. This is the very significant change you’re going to make. You’re no longer going to simply be a vanilla couple, going about your every day with work and weekends together. You’re going to attempt to shift the power to one person. Some people call this a TPE or Total Power Exchange and this involves much more than putting a few rules and consequences down on paper. Now you have to really determine to what degree levels of control are going to be put in place and strictly enforced. And this will change and morph over time.

Are there things in your discovery process that you both want to see change, both in behavior and in attitude? Are there some things that your Dom must have? Are there suggestions you’ve made to him about your personal being that you’d like to see improvement in? My guess is all of the above. For a Dom this is a heady experience. He’s being able to move into a controlling situation and yet has to temper his needs, wants and requirements with some aspects of normal life. For the Dom this is a place where he has to search his inner soul and temper what will be anger and frustration. In other words the control can’t go to his head. If you’re going to live this 24/7 then you have to consider work and family, your friends and social gatherings. How are you going to handle this when you’re not completely alone? While you certainly aren’t ready for “collaring” yet, the mental tethering and the way you both act in public might change.

Remember that every couple handles this differently and what you decide on and how you handle this lifestyle is going to be tailored for you to grow and enjoy, learn from each other and savor the changes. But there needs to be guidelines or rules. There needs to be expectations and the understanding of what’s going to happen if rules are broken. Have you talked about discipline yet? Have you considered aspects of domestic discipline including spanking in many ways? If not I think now you both have to sit down and then delve into the why’s and after that allow everything mesh in the back of your minds before you discuss again. I think it’s helpful if both of you put ideas and rules on pieces of paper. Here are some I’ve seen more than once and not some I’ve made up but they might give you a starting point. BTW – slave and submissive to me personally are NOT interchangeable.

We’ll discuss this later but I see a slave differently than I see a sub. A slave has a Master who has total control over her. She doesn’t get to make any decisions including what to wear and what friends to have. That’s my take ONLY. There are many flavors of the Master/slave lifestyle as well so don’t quote me. BUT, for me personally I want to be ME and think and write, enjoy my friends and work, with rules imposed but not with a lockdown effect. I do believe the rules are valid for both the slave and the sub.

In private at home:

The slave or sub should always remove clothing as soon as she/he gets home.

The slave or sub is to kneel in present posture whenever the Master/Mistress is due to arrive and wait quietly.

The slave or sub will wear and gratefully accept any toys the Master/Mistress chooses to insert or adorn him or her while cleaning or any other circumstance

The slave or sub will keep their eyes averted unless it is the wish of the Master/Mistress to have their slave look them in the eyes.

Let’s take a taste of what one can expect sexually:

The slave or sub must be available for sexual service whenever the dominant or his/her guests require it.

The slave or sub will not be allowed to orgasm without permission.

The slave or sub will shave any body hair and maintain this at all times. Failure to do so will result in punishment.

Now removing clothing while at home might be a bit extreme for those who have children but certainly he might ask you to remove your panties. Your Dom might ask you to take them off at work at times. Your Dom might ask you to wear an anal plug while at work. He might ask you to drop to your knees every time he comes into a room. Or, he might ask none of the above. Your shared lifestyle together is about what you both want. Some couples use simple rules.

You will always strive to take good care of yourself including exercising.

You will get to bed at a reasonable time every night.

You will never use foul language.

You will take your medications on time every day.

As you can see the rules can mean many things. As far as the punishment for infractions – again you both talk and then your Dom will decide. If you’re including maintenance or punishment spankings them you both will know the basics of what happens when you disobey. In other words, nothing is set in stone.

This is meant to give you ideas about what you really need to think about. I’ll go a little bit further in our journey together but I hope you’ve seen this is something for both of you to really think about and plan. The wonderful change is going to mean so much for both of you in ways you probably haven’t thought about yet. But you will…

Kisses   xxx


Tomorrow we’re going to look at more sexual aspects including sharing.

About Cassandre Dayne

Cassandre Dayne is the pseudo for the best selling author of romantic suspense and thrillers
This entry was posted in Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

2 Responses to Continuing Into the D/s Lifestyle…Change and Imposing Rules

  1. Tonya Kinzer says:

    Hon, you’ve once again put it out there for those to read who are interested in the lifestyle yet afraid to take that step. The choice is so personal! Many still want to hide that they even have an interest, let alone practice, but once they venture in with a trusted partner, so many parts of their soul open up. Love and trust between two people hits a new level within the lifestyle. This has to be experienced in order to understand….

    Great job, Cassandre!


  2. Kathy Lewis says:

    Cassandre, this was a really great blog. It definitely helped me be able to put in words what I want to accomplish with my husband. I think this would help our relationship and bring us closer together. Thank you for taking the time to write this blog. It is truly inspiring.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s