Continuing into the D/s Lifestyle…Being in the Public Eye

As we continue talking about the journey of entering into a D/s relationship, there is one aspect you might or might not have thought about. You’re both going to have to know how you’re going to handle being in public. Now, I’m not talking about the fact you’re openly going to go and tell all your friends and family that you’re changed the entire make up of your relationship. Well, maybe you’re both confident and comfortable enough to do so but many people don’t. While they live the life in private, many would never know that you’re a D’s couple at all. But… You both have to ask what you expect from each other. I don’t think I need to tell you that many people involved in a vanilla relationship don’t and can’t understand this kind of a lifestyle. How could they? They watch some shows and hear things on the news and imagine whips, chains and dungeons. This is nothing like the reality. But their perceptions can certainly mean something to you and in your world.

I don’t think you really want to have to face your mother as she asks you how in the world you could do this or perhaps not have anticipated certain backlashes from your employer. That may or may never happen but being prepared together as a couple is vital for both of you. Then there’s the question of how you’re both going to act in public. In other words, what type of behavior are you expected to have while in the public eye?

In talking with Benjamin from the get go (my co-author for On Becoming His) I wanted to put his branding on Luke, the Dom from the book, right away. We both want to bring you his viewpoint and his beliefs about how the D/s couple is going to act. Ben said from the beginning that Jessie is never to disparage Luke in public and if she acts disrespectful she’ll get a warning. If her behavior continues then she’ll be punished. For some openly practicing Domestic Discipline, she might get a spanking while out of the house. Yes, it can happen. Granted, most couple are rather discrete but I have no doubt in Jessie’s world Luke has a hairbrush stashed in the glove compartment of every car. She’s willful after all.

What does disrespecting mean? For every couple the hot buttons can be different but certainly talking back is one thing that should not be done – especially in front of other people. There are other aspects such as allowing him to take the lead in certain situations and certainly he’ll anticipate that you behave. In other words don’t make a fool of yourself.

For some couples they go into the D/s or BDSM community and wearing a collar is to be expected. Your Dom will enjoy showing you off and allowing others to see how close you are and how much you obey. But the truth of the matter is the majority of D/s couples don’t ever go to an event highlighting the lifestyle itself. They live out their normal lives of working and having kids, paying bills, going out to dinner and participating with friends and family in events. You’re not shoving in their faces what your relationship is. For many of you I can see the wheels turning. How in the hell could you wear a collar to work? Collars can mean many things and they come in many styles. I have heard of some couple actually going into a pet store and purchasing one but honestly, I think that’s more about play and not life. But to each their own.

For Jessie and for most women the collar is significant and she wants to show off her status as an owned woman in public, even if she’s the only person who knows or one of the few. The collar is just as important as a wedding band to many and when a woman (or a male sub) is collared, the entire moment is precious and an honoring feeling. The statement is that she’s moved to a level in her journey that is on a heightened plane for both the Dom and the sub. She is owned in all ways and completely under the control and guidance of her Dom. Jessie wears her collar with honor and when they’re in public, she is well aware of the fact she belongs to Luke. The lovely pieces created are jewelry and an extension of the two souls and they are works of art as well.

In talking with many women who are subs, they feel secure showing off the collar in pubic and the concept gives them a powerful feeling in their submissive behavior. I think this is a very personal aspect and you’re going to have to talk about what’s expected before you go to the next office party or family gathering. This about this, if you’ve always been a strong and very opinionated woman and now you’re less so, don’t you think someone might ask questions? Now, you might have talked this through and your public persona is entirely different than the one you share behind closed doors but for me, that would be tough. Think about switching back and forth in personalities. I don’t see how it’s possible.

That’s why you both have to talk and consider what might be said. You have to know as a sub what your Dom expects you to act like at all times. You have to know when you can tell that you’ve crossed the line. It could be a look or a word, but you both have to know. And at times you’re going to cross the line. It’s just going to happen. Whether you’ve had too much to drink and get a little flirtatious or not like something said at the dinner table, you’re going to suddenly lash out. Now what happens? Well, I have my guesses that if Jessie did either of the above she would get corner time and perhaps a spanking.

This is simply another aspect of your life changing experience together and hopefully when confronted or at least if you’re asked questions about what you’re both doing, you’ll feel confident enough to answer. This is a powerful lifestyle and yet challenging. It’s also very personal for both of you and behavior is another aspect. Share and enjoy, grow together but always talk.

I hope you’ve enjoyed and remember that On Becoming His is free through today. Please pick up or gift a book to someone you know would enjoy. It’s not kinky, but emotional and you’re going to see the love between Jessie and Luke and their devotion.

Kisses   xxx



About Cassandre Dayne

Cassandre Dayne is the pseudo for the best selling author of romantic suspense and thrillers
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1 Response to Continuing into the D/s Lifestyle…Being in the Public Eye

  1. AuroraRose Andromeda says:

    This article/post was very powerful and so true to this type of lifestyle. Communication is key. There must be in order for both sides to be able to know what is expected. If I were ever to have a collar, one it would be a personal honor, and a feeling that someone truly cares about me. I’d also want the type of collar that is not so obvious or draw eyes or questions. I have seen various kinds and they look like regular necklaces. I like to wear necklaces a lot and I don’t think it would draw too much attention as long as it doesn’t scream I am owned and in a BDSM lifestyle. Also, my family would never be able to know about this life, same with my friends. I know it would not go over well at all and this could really turn out bad for me if family knew. So I would have to keep this lifestyle a secret.

    As far as going out in public, that is huge and one that needs a lot of discussion with a Dom if I had one. I would want to know what he’d expect and also, how to handle curious eyes as I would possibly behave a bit differently as if I was with just my friends. That’s where communication comes in with a Dom. I wouldn’t want to change to much in public that I would see people’s minds thinking and eyes watching me and wondering why the change in my behavior. I would respect my Dom but he also has to understand how I am in public and that I am most likely not going to change too much. I will do as he wants and behave as he wants in private but public would have to be a bit different.

    Great job on this whole project you two! 🙂


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