Continuing into the D/s Lifestyle…Long Distance & Self Doubt

I am sighing this morning for many reasons and not the least of which I am missing. Mmmm… And aching. The realization how much so prompted this particular blog today. With this blog series I’m continuing to take readers down a sometimes rocky path toward a D/s relationship. I’m really talked with a lot of people lately who truly long for this and yet they’re fearful of admitting for many reasons, including failing. For each couple there are so many different aspects and twists and turns, no two are alike. We’ve also talked about the fact there are no many misnomers to what is/isn’t or should’/shouldn’t be included. I’ll repeat that I personally don’t think there is any one way that is right or wrong, what you choose to share and engage in is something you both decide. For some it’s about more BDSM and some it’s simply control. For others it might be about sharing and moving into a total polyamory lifestyle while others it’s always monogamous. Then still for others the sub might be more of a slave while another it’s about complete devotion.

For Jessie and Luke (as most of you know who read this blog, my hero and heroine from On Becoming His – a D/s book I’m co-authoring with Benjamin Russell) she’s very willful and has a spunky personality that he doesn’t want to break. However in saying and admitting that, her constant pushback of him and his directions gives him moments of serious self-doubt. He is getting to the point he’s questioning whether he’s the Dom for her, the man able to give her all the strong discipline while maintaining a heightened level of patience during her “tantrums”. He’s also saddened because he can’t see to do the right thing all the time with her. What Benjamin and I are trying to bring to the characters is that they are both – let me repeat myself – BOTH feeling vulnerable in what they are doing, how they are doing and if they are doing anything right.

What does that lead to? Self doubt. If you couple the fact that Luke travels extensively for business and is gone for long periods of time AND you add in that in Jessie’s professional life she’s the boss, well… Can you see where that would lead to bouts of pushback and heartache? YES. Jessie is her own woman, full of verve and spice, and while there is NOTHING in her mind, body and soul that she must do more than to please him in every aspect, she fails at times. But is it failing or is the behavior simply growing pains? My humble opinion is growing pains. She is a woman after all and worries about the same things that all women worry about. If Luke comes into a room and she’s selected a brand spanking new dress and he really doesn’t comment much about it, don’t you think she’s going to wonder whether she’s pretty enough or maybe she doesn’t look sexy enough for him any longer?

On the flipside, if Luke has spent some time whether sexually or trying to make a date night special and she is perhaps quiet about her level of enjoyment, don’t you think Luke is going to wonder if he’s not able to please her any longer? Of course the answer is yes on both sides. Men and women worry and frustrate in the same but different methods. Just because Luke is her Dom doesn’t mean he doesn’t or won’t have insecurities. Benjamin and I were discussing yesterday about Dom’s and he mentioned that he was talking with someone about the differences in Dom’s. And there are significant differences. The ones you hear about, for example from Fifty Shades are wealthy and have some dark, ugly secret and need to control a woman for personal satisfaction. You can also read story after story about pain makers who get off on being a sadist and their concept of owning is punishing. Then there’s what has been termed the reluctant Dom, who is a passionate romantic at heart and struggles with being the strong man HE thinks she’s needs.

Well, there is a little of all of these styles all around. Luke is a passionate man who is desperately in love with Jessie, romantic and longing to shower her with his raw emotions. And every once in awhile he wonders whether that’s good to show what some might call his vulnerable side. HELL NO. For Jessie, there has been NO other man in her life who’s allowed her to be her – to explore every dark craving, fulfill every sexual need without fear of being reprimanded or called weird or sick. The fact they can talk and share everything, delving into politics and music, concerns about friends and books is just another side of her Sir she adores. But she sees his challenges when he looks at her after they’ve made love, the worry and fear remaining. But the intimacy is so powerful they are left breathless every time they simply kiss. The lightest touch of his hand on her back when they are waiting in line for something gives her chills all the way down her spine. The way he looked at her, intense passion and lust leaves her stunned. Jessie absolutely loves his old fashioned chivalry. When he takes off his jacket to place on a cold, stone bench so that she isn’t forced to sit on something that might snag her fiery new dress makes her smile. And then places the coat around her shoulders as they walk back to their hotel, even though she knows he’s cold, stills her.

So do I believe Dom’s can be filled with passion? Mmmm… Do I really need to answer? But the self-doubt can remain. Even after something beautiful like when they curl up in each other’s arms to watch a movie, snuggling and cuddling, there might be a moment wonders if they are too much in love. Hogwash. When you have a combination of intense passion, the burning need of total and absolute devotion, the ability to be completely uninhibited and the understanding that you will both have missteps along the way – this is extremely powerful. This is… Forever

But you have to continue to work on the journey. There are many D/s couples who started out long distance. Perhaps they met on an Internet site and started talking on line and then moved to the phone and Skype. Perhaps then they began taking on a bit of the D/s lifestyle in which he’s instructing her to do something for him every day, text him at a certain time, write a journal of how and what she’s thinking. Then this continues for some time until you’re both ready to explore something deeper. But maybe you’re five hundred miles from each other. What and how are you going to continue building and growing your relationship? Well, that’s again very individualized but for both you really have to get to know each other inside and out, ask all the tough questions about whether this is exactly what you both want. And making significant changes will take awhile and that’s just something you both have to realize.

If you really are destined to be together you will. Even if the you’re closer and have made the determination to finally meet in person, just to see if sparks fly, you’re going to have thoughts in the back of your mind about whether he or she won’t like you, if you’re the right person, if they’re hate you. It’s human nature. Give yourself a break. If you don’t try and take that next step then you’re never going to have what you really NEED, not just want. If that person isn’t right then it’s better to know now. You both have to feel trusting and longing, but for this sub this is particularly important. You are giving your body and soul potentially over to your Dom. You have to know this is what you want. And then keep in mind no one is perfect. The best relationships of every kind aren’t made or created simply by looks or any other one aspect. This is about the entire connection and it’s amazing to me how people connect. Allow yourself to enjoy and explore and realize it’s okay to be completely human with insecurities.

For Jessie and Luke, she’s so much in love she’s finding herself making the dumbest mistakes and pushing back for no reason and then she cries and frustrates and then has moments of complete self-doubt. Is he going to come home from this trip and say enough is enough? Is he going to fall out of love and not see her level of devotion? Is she not going to be able to please him sexually? And for Luke he’s questioning whether she really can be a sub and not just in bed. He’s wondering why he can’t seen to discipline her at times, when she’s craving his strong hand. He’s questioning whether the romantic side in him is simply too vanilla?

Hmmm…. Powerful questions and concerns, aren’t they? Well guess what? This shows to me that these two people are desperately in love and simply ready to make the big leap into the final step and if their decision wasn’t riddled with questions and concerns then they wouldn’t be ready. They simply would be taking this too lightly. BUT… Once again, they are human and prone to missteps. Luke told her recently that two steps forward and one step backwards wasn’t good enough. And she took it to heart and guess what she did? She started to worry – CONSTANTLY about every aspect of her behavior, her words. She lost sleep and cried, questioned everything and then did it again. And then she realized something pretty amazing. She was pushing back to get his reaction because of her insecurities. The understanding truly have her a feeling of empowerment. Now, she really accepts she’s not the super woman she wanted to be for him. She’s simply…his. And he is her Sir. And they are in love and moving forward on their D/s journey together…

Enjoy every step along the way but forgive yourself and know you will take missteps. I hope you’ve enjoyed and would love to hear about your missteps if you feel you can mention them to me.

Kisses   xxx




About Cassandre Dayne

Cassandre Dayne is the pseudo for the best selling author of romantic suspense and thrillers
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2 Responses to Continuing into the D/s Lifestyle…Long Distance & Self Doubt

  1. Ms Cassandra Dayne you have yet again hit to the heart of the matter, parts of a D/s relationship that outsiders do not see. A D/s relationship is a very powerful, deep and soulful relationship much deeper than any marriages. Your devotion to one another is mind, body and spirit. Thank you for pointing out aspects that an average person on the the street would not know or are to blind to see that it exists in a D/s relationship.


  2. *Smiles* Cassandre, you called this blog post Long Distance and Self-Doubt, but it could just as well have been called Insecurities and Self Doubt. Trying to get inside of Luke’s head has been a challenge for me, but it’s also been a lot of fun. Luke knows what he wants, but he’s has questioned in his mind whether he and Jessie are truly a good fit.

    Luke considers himself a Gentleman Dom, who wants a sub to give him her gift of submission out of true devotion. However, he sometimes struggles with being a traditional gentleman and giving Jessie the harsh punishment she so obviously needs. It’s an interesting dynamic.

    I think another plot twist I’m going to throw in, is to have Luke questioning whether or not what he wants is realistic with Jessie or with any one woman. Luke has a polyamorous streak and he’s struggling to find the right balance. Ok, enough of the sneak peep into upcoming stories.

    As so eloquently stated by Cass, self-doubt is the sole domain of a sub, dominants have self-doubt too. Doubts about their own appearance, performance and ability to give the sub what he/she needs in exchange for the gift of submission. It’s a fascinating look into human nature and all the highs and lows associated with a leap of faith into a non-traditional D/s lifestyle.

    Ah, the journey continues and it’s going to be a thrill ride with Luke and Jessie. Muwah!!@


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