Continuing in the D/s Relationship…Baggage

I’m continuing to talk to you today about moving and now living the D/s lifestyle. As many of you know who have been reading and hopefully enjoying this blog series, this started because of my collection On Becoming His. The emotional journey of a woman as she enters into a D/s relationship has interestingly morphed in a similar fashion as I believe two people would as they begin their real life journey. First of all I’m writing this with Benjamin Russell, a talented man who is bringing a male and the Dom POV into the story. Secondly I’ve interacted with many more who do live in the lifestyle and readers who are learning. Thirdly, it’s truly made me ask questions about what I want in my life and in the future. What I realize more and more every day is that when two people have been together and they long to make this kind of a change, it’s hard. Damn hard. You might ask the question, what about if you’re starting a new relationship with someone and neither of you have lived this before?

Then I think the concept is tremendously difficult. Try and imagine the thought about being a different person, as many of us are who are only thinking about the change. Up to this point we’ve been living what many consider to be completely vanilla, even if you enjoy a little kink every once in a while. As we’ve established, using floggers and handcuffs in the bedroom isn’t a lifestyle in the making. You’ve been going to work and enjoying friends and family in such a manner that has nothing to do with being owned. That’s a strong word and again, to each their own about the D/s lifestyle, but basically you as the sub are going to be trusting enough to take commands and direction without question. Or at least you’re supposed to be able to. You’re going to have rules to follow and directions to take. You’re going to put his needs (your Dom’s) over your own. You’re going to perhaps change the way you dress, the way you wear your hair and certainly aspects of how you treat him.

For the Dom, he has to take what is somewhat the innate part of a control button in him and learn patience and more understanding than he’s ever had. If you’re both practicing Domestic Discipline, then he may be worried he’ll allow certain frustrations with you to hinder his correct abilities to discipline you without using too much force. He may be worried that you’re more of what is called a pain slut (that’s an entirely other aspect of longing for pain and not something I’m going to get into here) and then hold back from using an implement. In other words you would enjoy being spanked too often. Then there are the Dom’s that think – why should I have to discipline at all. They start having the assumption that you as the sub should simply WANT to follow directions to the letter and never push back. That’s not real life in truth. And for most subs, they long to please and want to do what’s right and craving seeing their Dom happy. They want nothing more than to be perfect for him and do exactly what he wants at all times. There again, that’s not real life.

For a sub, she’s still entrenched in her past life, especially if she’s not living the D/s situation 24/7. When she thinks about her desires and fully embraces the woman inside, there is nothing more powerful for her. But having said that, she’s conflicted inside – and most of this is unconsciously. She has to be this other girl, both for what she considers to be the norm for outside people and she’s struggling with making certain changes. She is ready and willing and longing, but day to day it can be damn difficult. For both the Dom and the sub, they must remember that. Do you remember when you were dating someone and then started living with them? Wasn’t it entirely different? Of course it was. From hating the way he or she left the toothpaste top off to the total intimacy of showering and bathrooms, dressing and having down and very ugly times within yourself, it was entirely different the moment you closed the doors and relaxed, right? Well of course it was.

Why would any two people thinking about entering into a D/s lifestyle think there’s going to be magic surrounding the brand spanking new (no pun intended) relationship? The honest to God truth is that it’s going to be one of the toughest things you’ve ever gone through. I’ve talked to many brand new submissives and they spent hours crying over why they continued to resort to their past behaviors over the dumbest things. They frustrate their Doms, who suddenly pull back thinking they can’t be the correct Dom for them and then the relationship stagnates and everybody questions what is going on. Questioning is natural and it’s going to happen – no doubt. But, this is where some level of intelligence and a hell of a lot of patience comes into play. Fear is huge here as well and both the Dom and the sub will and should have fear and worry about who they are and what they’ll do. It’s natural.

Delving into this lifestyle isn’t easy and yet it’s so beautiful but there are going to be many difficult times together in the beginning. You’ll take two steps forward and one giant stride backward and both the Dom and the sub will simply worry and frustrate, get angry with themselves and their partner and then start shutting down. That’s the worst thing you can do.

Ben and I are exploring this very concept for Jessie and Luke because Jessie is very into being this woman and persona she’s created. She has one for work in which she’s a sexy vixen, powerful in and out of bed, and men want her because of this. Inside she’s a damn marshmallow who longs for a man to control her, discipline her as necessary while still keeping the ultra passionate woman that she truly is. She finally opened up to a man, giving him her entire soul and shedding all her inhibitions and she found herself for the first time falling head over heels in love with him. Suddenly brakes are starting to slam because Luke is having fears about whether he can handle her and why she’s constantly pushing back. And he’s starting to do the ultimate, question if he can take her push backs any longer. Imagine her angst now. She’s crushed and so hurt inside and questioning why in the hell she EVER allowed herself to let her guard down. And Luke can’t quite figure out how to remove his shell and talk and ease her pain while easing his own.

And do you know where this comes from? The past and baggage. Both Luke and Jessie had past relationships and my guess if that you have had as well as your partner. Probably it was vanilla and of course you both had likes and dislikes about your partner and your relationships. I can only imagine for a Dom, one of the beautiful concepts about being a Dom is having the ability to say STOP and the sub obeys without question. Granted, yes this is one aspect and if you both agree, this is the way it’s supposed to be but have some common sense at times. This is hard for both people. It just is and as you enjoy each other and continue on your journey you’re going to find a rhythm like other couples do. Just because you enter into a D/s relationship you can’t expect this to be like a different animal. It’s not. You are man and woman (or whatever the make up it) and you love and fear and worry and frustrate. And you learn. And it takes time. Give yourselves a break. Enjoy the journey together and realize you’re going to have missteps along the way. As I’ve mentioned always, you have to keep talking and for me personally that means face to face. Communication is always the key and love helps as well.

Boy oh boy I could get into an entire blog series about social media and trying to delve into a relationship. Perhaps I will tomorrow. Social media sites such as Facebook book an entirely new spin on things. Take it from a woman who was just threatened yesterday by a wacko who got herself attached to Ben and I because of Jessie and Luke – it was not a good thing.

But this is a part of the relationship and if you aren’t living together or even seeing each other on a regular basis, whoa, way tough. I can’t imagine some of these people who are “domming” from another country even and doing this through the Internet. Perhaps on some levels it might be easier. I don’t know. For me, no.

Again, this is a personal journey for each couple and nothing is the same. Don’t try to cookie cutter what you’ve read or heard. No two couples are alike in a vanilla relationship so why should they be in a D/s one? My other piece of advice is to allow yourselves breathing room to learn and grow, make mistakes and have fears. Anger is going to come into play as well and yet you must remember the joy and passion. It’s so beautiful and so powerful and can be so all consuming. For those who enjoy and truly find a beautiful comfort zone in D/s, I applaud you and bringing this angst in Jessie and Luke is going to be gut wrenching but another step within the amazing journey.

Kisses   xxx


The On Becoming His Fan Page

About Cassandre Dayne

Cassandre Dayne is the pseudo for the best selling author of romantic suspense and thrillers
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4 Responses to Continuing in the D/s Relationship…Baggage

  1. Well written Ms. Dayne, You do hit on alot of the trials that you go through in any relationship. I personally have lived several different lifestyles. And yes the beginning is always the hardest, and you do question yourself because of the previous lifestyle. Example If you go from a very violent lifestyle into one that is caring and gentle you question why they are not being violent towards you. It does sound strange to those who don’t understand it. But when you are accustomed to it everyday that is what you expect subconsciencely, and you feel as a failure if it isnt that way… I have learned I myself have to work on my self doubt. Different lifestyles can leave you feeling empty and lacking something. Going from a sadist lifestyle to a vanilla is an example and I can say it is not a satisfying as much as you want it to be. So in order to be happy you have to find the happy medium between the two. Once you leave the vanilla realm I believe you can never truely wholeheartedly return to it. Whatever your choice is be expecting huge changes in your life, and that may include losing friends and family who don’t understand…. You always have to think what is best for yourself others don’t live your life…..
    Thank you for putting this information out there, D/s life isn’t a game it’s is a lifestyle.


    • behalle says:

      Thank you so very much for those words. They add a lot to what I was trying to say. I think some people believe D/s is a game or if decided is easy to simply make the switch. That just isn’t the case. 🙂


  2. TJ says:

    Cassandra, I’ve just begun your blog on D/s and am entranced! It’s answered every question and more. I’m looking for On Becoming His and cannot find it in paperback or hardcover, only kindle. Any suggestions, I want to read the series desperately! Thank you for your writings, they’ve truly helped me and my relationship as we continue our journey into something we never knew we’d be so passionate about. I’ve never been closer to a man as I am today. I look forward to nurturing the relationship and deepening the already impenetrable bond that has blossomed between us!


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