We are still continuing down the path or journey into sharing a D/s lifestyle and I think this is blog number 14. Can you tell there are a lot of aspects to the sometimes lifelong endeavor? Well aren’t there with real life? For some reason I hear that people think once they decide to move into the lifestyle they chat for a few sessions and voila, you’re a brand new couple. It doesn’t work that way. I’ve found out through some of my own personal experiences and through talking with readers, who are considering this or have engaged, that this is life long, sometimes trying and almost always laced with difficulties. Did you really think it was going to be easy? There are so many things to deal with from your family and friends, to communicating with your Dom or sub and having “issues”, to trying to figure out how you want to be. You are changing and growing after all and are going to be hit with obstacles almost every step of the way.
I think couples involved honestly don’t stop and just try and listen to each other. I had a conversation yesterday about a Dom actually thinks a sub shouldn’t question anything. A good sub should just react to what her Dom needs. I think that in some relationships that may be the dynamics but in others, and especially people who are new to the lifestyle, both parties are allowed to ask. No, I think they have to ask. If they don’t they are going to be sorely disappointed. This is a journey, a process of changing and growing, and you know what? It’s tough.
Now let’s add in another layer here. Social Media. Yep, it’s here to stay and it’s a tremendous influence on our lives. Try and think about the last time you didn’t check your email or Facebook either on your phone or on the computer. Think about sneaking a peek at work and typing just a few little lines on your timeline. Or even twitter – who doesn’t have an account? Heck, as a writer I have three fan pages, a twitter, yahoo accounts up the wazoo, Fetlife, four blogs, two websites, goodreads, the library thing and oh yeah, a partridge in a pear tree. WHEW. Don’t you think sometimes I get caught up in the drama on one or more than one site? Of course we all do. Not only do we want to be well liked but we enjoy engaging in fun and sometimes heated conversations. Come on, you know you do.
As a writer I market and chat up books and become friends with readers and other writers. We talk about real life things as well as our craft and sometimes you learn a lot and gain trust. Sometimes you even consider them friends and you’ve never even met them. It’s funny how close you can get to someone on Facebook and yet you really don’t even know if they’re a real person. They could be a make believe person. Some writers are as they have their writing names. My name isn’t Cassandre. Is my personality on Facebook the real girl? Only partially. People think I truly do all the sometimes sinful things I write about and I am the way I’m seen on Facebook. Truth is, I’m actually going to tone it down. Why? Because I am getting some real nuts on the site saying crazy things and because I want my writing to shine, not the wicked side.
In realizing that, I also have had some wonderful people comment about how much On Becoming His, the book Benjamin Russell and I wrote and the collection we are writing together about a woman’s journey as she enters into a D/s relationship, about how much the book has helped. The talking and the words have helped them. So we’ve talked more and I’ve gotten to know them.
I dedicate this blog to a very lovely lady who is going through a terrible time in her current relationship. It’s abusive and she longs for what Jessie and Luke (our characters in On Becoming His) have – total trust and love. She has no real life friends, as she’s not allowed to, and Facebook friends have helped her gain back her self esteem and her strength. To that end social media is powerful and I am so happy for her and love being able to talk with her. But there is a flipside. As a D/s couple, you’re looking for information and ideas, perhaps talking to other couples on line and even finding places (called munches) where you can go as a couple and share your joy about the lifestyle. This is also amazing but remember that people can be anything they want to be online. Ben is always telling me to remove my real picture because of stalkers etc and I use my
picture as marketing. It’s been a “disconnect” as he calls it between us and has honestly put a damper in our professional and sometimes personal relationship. I’m a stubborn woman but he has a point – a damn good one.
I’m bringing all of this to your attention because couples need to reach out and you certainly don’t feel comfortable going to your next-door neighbor. People see Jessie and Luke as real people and yes Ben and I do bring conversations etc. into the piece and I think that makes it more enjoyable. We have Fet life personas to learn about the art and craft of BDSM and interracial relationships and D/s and Domestic Discipline. He and I engage in talking and yes flirting, imagine that! I even had a man put my Fet Life persona on his profile page as owning me. For any of you who have any of the sites like Facebook or Fetlife you know that what is changed others can see. So not only did I have to say something to him about the fact I wasn’t his property but I had to email Ben and say, here’s what happened and if our “friends” see it, don’t let them freak. Kinda interesting or funny isn’t it?
I encourage you as couples or as a man or woman interested to talk to other Dom’s and subs. You have to or you will be jaded in your views or believe that the lifestyle has to be a certain way but temper what you hear, what you experience and what you present. You never know when it might come back to bite you. Everything stays on the Internet. Talk. Remember to talk to your partner. The “disconnects” happen because you aren’t listening to the other. You’re trying too hard to make a point because of concerns or fears and then you frustrate each other. I know this all too well and you know what? When you do that you forget the joys. So talk.
PURCHASE LINK FOR ON BECOMING HIS