Continuing in the D/s Lifestyle…Respect

R-E-S-P-E-C-T    That’s another song title and yet one that really hits home when you think about it with regard to a D/s lifestyle. For every one of us, respect brings about a different thought process. When we were kids we were taught to say yes, sir and no ma‘am to our elders, or at least for some of us we were. Also, for many of us the practice continued into our every day lives. I know many a man and woman who use the terms of respect for everyone they meet and don’t know well. Sadly, that doesn’t happen to be me. I’ve always used first names right after I meet someone. I thought in my mind it offered them a sense of being friendly and nice, caring about the person. For many people who were brought up with simple manners, that’s like a slap in the face.

For Jessie and Luke, my characters in the popular On Becoming His collection, Jessie in particular has been one of those women. As you can imagine in creating and writing about Jessie’s character, I use parts of me as a model. For those who know the real girl and the writing persona, I am bold and brash, assertive bordering on aggressive. That doesn’t bode well at all within a D/s relationship. Being mouthy and disrespectful, when you put them together, is a difficult combination. That’s when you have many a disconnect between each other and sometimes the Dom is incensed to the point he is no longer capable of handling the sub – or simple refuses to deal with the bad behavior. 

I continue my personal/writing education all the time, learning and talking with people. If you think you know everything about this lifestyle at any given time, you’re wrong. With regard to respect, I was talking with another real life Dom the other day. He reminded me that the very first step in showing your respect for your Dom is calling him Sir – all the time. It’s not when you feel like it or when you think you’ve done something wrong. He is your Sir and by the fact you have taken on a submissive role, you have agreed that his should and will have such respect. Now I fully realize there are other names D/s couples use from Daddy to Master, but I think you get the point. You suddenly don’t start calling him by his first name or “hey you”, which is something I’ve been prone to do in every day relationships. You give him the respect you think YOU deserve. Sounds simple, right?

For many women (and of course men too who are submissives) this might be more difficult than you realize. The concept of respect alone has trust built into the basic idea. You may have felt like this was something shoved down your throat as a kid and therefore refused to say a simple three letter word. If this is the case, I strongly suggest you talk with your Dom right away and see if and how you can work with this. For Jessie, she suddenly stopped saying the little word with him and preferred calling him sexy or sexy man, baby or something else cutsie. There’s nothing wrong with adding some romantic inflections but again, respect it vital in this relationship. A D/s relationship is sometimes grueling – especially in the beginning when you’re learning more about each other and testing every boundary. Trust me, subs test their boundaries to see what the Dom will say or do and just how much they can get away with before being disciplined. Sometimes its by will and sometimes based on a subconscious need to be loved, but oh boy it happens.

Dom’s tend to take some of this, anticipating their willful woman will have several sides, but after awhile it gets old. The other Dom I was talking to also stated he believed every female submissive has a dominant side and one that needs to be trained. I have to agree with that. There are some women much more programmed to be very submissive but strong women tend to want to give away their control more than you realize. I suggest that if you’re entering into the lifestyle, you truly learn about and embrace the very simple concept of respect – between each other of course. The Dom has to know that you are going to fail at times. You’re going to take two steps forward and a giant stride backward often BUT – huge but here – you both have to be moving forward so this lessens or in Jessie’s case, lessons are learned, or there will be continued problems and possibly and end to the relationship.

The moment Jessie stopped saying “Sir” she also oozed back into treating him disrespectfully in other ways. She forgot that this was her place and he was owed this. She didn’t realize that suddenly she was back-talking him more, using bad language and even said – get this “Fuck you”. Oh boy that was the low end for her. Luke was as you can imagine furious and more. He was completely and utterly discouraged. For Jessie it took a hard slap of her own making to realize how ridiculous, childish and disrespectful her behavior had become.

Three little letters, S-I-R, don’t change or make a D/s relationship, but I can tell you in my heart and in my mind they go a long way into building a heightened level of trust and yes R-E-S-P-E-C-T between both of you.

I hope you’ve enjoyed and I’d love to hear your thoughts on this.

Kisses   xxx


About Cassandre Dayne

Cassandre Dayne is the pseudo for the best selling author of romantic suspense and thrillers
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