Continuing into the D/s Lifestyle…Breaking the Trust

It’s bound to happen sometimes and being involved in a D/s relationship is no different than in any vanilla laced one. However trust is paramount in a D/s on several levels, and we’re certainly not just talking about sexually. Trust allows the inner you out, becoming uninhibited and for the submissive, allowing the concept of control to be given over to the Dom/Domme. For a Dominant, complete trust is about believing one hundred percent that the submissive is telling him or her everything about their needs and wants, fears and reservations. This single aspect will then allow both to move to a more heightened level in their relationship – something that is vital as they continue on their journey.

For those of you who know me realize I have been writing about this rather intense journey for two people for a couple of months now. Partially this is because of the On Becoming His collection, a book about a woman’s emotional journey into the D/s lifestyle, but there’s more. Partially this is because I have been reading and learning about domination and submission for almost two years now. I constantly have questions about whether my story is autobiographical or simply research. What I can admit is that while it perhaps started out as research, the need and hunger became very real for me. I allowed myself to look inside the girl for the first time and admit what I needed. That being said, when you have a life currently in place it’s not an easy decision to suddenly move into this life. There are ramifications and changes, both in your day to day life and in your mind set. That takes time. However you do begin to really reflect on what you want and need, desire for learning more and experiencing more will be something you suddenly can’t live without. It’s both mind boggling and freeing.

As we continue to discuss the wonderful journey, as you can imagine you have to begin to trust “you” first. You are reflecting and determining what you want and whether or not you’re with a partner, the first need is allowing yourself to flat out be honest about your innate instincts about YOU. The person and the future of where and how you want to be may need to change. That’s tough at times because we are all very jaded as humans after dealing with family and friends, crises situations and naysayers. We’ve all truly been hiding behind a mask of needing to be the man or woman everyone else thinks we are or should be. That’s a tough habit to break at best. When we look into the mirror, the reflection back at us is a mixture of what are everyone else’s thoughts and some of our own. Mix in desires and fears and there are times we may lose our inner souls to the person who was thrown into a mixing bowl.

First of all know that and secondly, begin to slowly peel back the layers. That also takes time, serious contemplation and opening up to people about whom you really are and what you want. Boy oh boy I can tell you THAT is terrifying. When you finally admit and then for a brief moment even think about telling someone that you are either a submissive or a dominant, then you’re opening yourself up to ridicule and such strong emotions. But this is something you MUST do. You simply have to give yourself time to explore in order to try and determine what you really want as you take steps forward.

How do you do that? Well you join social media sites like Fet Life where you can be not only anonymous but explore without revocation, talk with trusted friends, perhaps venture out to some kinky clubs and finally then become the person you must become. When you’re doing this you become vulnerable, allowing that side to show of you few if any EVER have seen or heard you speak of. If you’re lucky enough to find one or five to talk to, perhaps share realities of your every day life and/or your growing needs, that’s both eye opening and yes, horrifying. All the what if’s come into the back of your mind.  What if people make fun? What if they tell my husband or wife? What if they think badly of me? Oh there are a myriad of thoughts you’ll have. The most important one for me is – can I trust this person or persons with my true inner soul? That’s a tough call and one not to be taken lightly unfortunately. In today’s worlds everything you say in print can be found out but it’s not really about that fear. Your reservations might be more about whether you can really trust them to be candid with you while you are with them.

In other words – it’s all about trust. As you begin to find others like you (doesn’t that sound terrifying and almost comical) you then slowly open up more, expressing interests and needs you never would to one in your vanilla life – or at least so you believe initially. Later on you gain more confidence and then are able to more easily express, but in the beginning? Oh no…

When you do you find you need to more and so you form your own circle of friends who you get close to and tell secrets and desires to. Then as you move slightly into more intimate details about yourself you get closer and closer still. Sometimes passion is ignited and them you continue fanning the flame of desire until some of us develop more than a casual friendship Let’s face it. This is how you’re looking to find what you want and you have to put yourself out there, being vulnerable as you explore. Your basic gut tells you when you’ve met what I call a player or a wannabe – two terms I have allowed remain in the back of my mind. But sometimes when you meet those few you believe you can trust, it’s magical and you open up more. I encourage you to do so because if you don’t, you’re never going to find what you’re looking for and when you do – magic happens. Utter blissful magic. If you can do this, then you are truly on a journey toward incredible happiness. Sometimes you might just meet a friend you can share your inner most secrets with and nothing more, but either way sharing is vital for your personal growth.

This person or persons (even perhaps a lover who might turn into the perfect companion for life) truly unlocks the other hidden secrets within you. When you can finally open that last door, it’s amazing. BUT…on the flip side, when the person uses your gift of sharing and opening up, it’s devastating. The trust is not only broken but also shattered. They can of course do this is a myriad of ways including using your information, telling others, giving you false impressions and even certain ultimate betrayals. We all have those buried deep inside as to what that can mean. The betrayal can truly set you back a long way in your beautiful journey. I caution you – don’t then go inside yourself and stop the process. Take time to reflect but then move on. Trust is vital and important and tough to achieve. This is no different from finding the perfect love interest or partner in this lifestyle. There is no magic wand, only trial and error, truth and lies.

Enjoy this wonderful and very incredible time in your lives because when one door closes (or is slammed in your face) another one usually opens. Just be cautious, learn and then smile again. Life is too short and there are too many beautiful people in this world. The lifestyle isn’t easy and I totally respect those who do this well, communicate and trust. It’s amazing.

I hope you’ve enjoyed.

Kisses   xxx


About Cassandre Dayne

Cassandre Dayne is the pseudo for the best selling author of romantic suspense and thrillers
This entry was posted in Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

1 Response to Continuing into the D/s Lifestyle…Breaking the Trust

  1. Cass I discovered in my early days of exploring my identity as a gay man that most gay men are part man and female and develop a dominant and submissive role. Unfortunately many encounters develop in failure to trust. Sometimes it took me a long time to accept the failure and move on with a smile. Today when trust fails in my long-time relationship, I accept the failure, move on and attempt to learn from the experience. I enjoy reading your thoughts and feelings about D/S roles and the importance of trust.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s