It’s been a while since I’ve blogged about the lifestyle and there have been many personal reasons, some of which my friends know. Thank you for the continued following, love and support. You have no idea what your kindness has meant to me. The rather painful moments as of late haven’t changed the fact I both write about a D/s lifestyle and I enjoy learning more for my personal journey. As authors we learn about our craft in many ways. We read other authors and read journals. We talk to those involved in what we’re writing about. Sometimes we write from very personal experiences. I’ve learned so many things along the way with regards to the D/s lifestyle and one aspect that is loud and clear rings so true – respect.
Whether a Dom/Domme or a sub within the realm of the relationship, respect for each other and for other couple are tremendous. I have a friend of mine who recently went to a BDSM event. They are frequently held in various cities and generally arise out of clubs – from those you might have seen on Fet Life to other forums, they are prolific. These events are sometimes held at private residences and then again, sometimes at very public yet private locations such as hotels. Of course the area is blocked off and entrance permitted by invitation only. That allows for safety and anonymity for participants. Why is anonymity important? Because many kinky situations can go on behind closed doors. For those who life a very traditionally vanilla lifestyle, many of our friends would at least raise eyebrows. Right?
You may go with your submissive or Dom or you may be interested in just getting your feet wet, but nothing happens without your permission period. If you just want to watch, that’s fine but you are certainly encouraged to participate if you’re comfortable. Are we talking about sex? Well, sometimes but many couples do this together and are comfortable with being exhibitionists and will participate in bouts of punishment and yes sexual escapades. Sometimes they ask for someone else to be involved. This is no means is a free for all orgy situation. Again – respect is the key word. You don’t touch without being asked and you don’t try and come on to a person at the event. You would be tossed out. These can be learning events as well with people teaching everything from rope tying to electric play. People enjoy being flogged by someone, tied to one of the apparatuses perhaps. Again, only if they give their permission.
When I was talking to my friend, we both agreed that the experience for us as people would only be enriched and fully exploited if the two or three people involved were in a relationship – of whatever type. Let’s face it, D/s are sometimes couples (whether living together or dating) or they can be with two or more people who trust and share certain aspects of getting together regularly for a kink event. As many of you know, I’ve been writing a collection of pieces called On Becoming His. This has been about a woman’s emotional journey into moving into the D/s lifestyle. Well, the project has been held up a bit for some personal reasons but the journey for Jessie, as well as for this woman inside, is far too important for my readers to allow personal issues to interfere. The second in the collection will be released soon – if I have to stick a fire up a co-author’s you know what. I can tell you the book will have strife and tribulations – just as any D/s relationship or any vanilla one does.
But…that made me think about other pieces I have been working on. So many terrible things have happened with some people I’ve heard about where their Dom beat them up etc. and this is not normal kids. Not from what I can tell. Again respect and trust is huge in this lifestyle but there are so many people who THINK they know what the hell they’re doing just because they read a book or two. Suddenly they’re a Dom finding a female submissive to use and…ah, perhaps abuse? Don’t get me wrong, of course couples interested in learning and growing have to start somewhere. You have to ask questions and try things, talk together and indulge in the fantasies. You must learn. BUT… I fear some who really fall into a quick relationship will be, if only spiritually.
As you know, BDSM and D/s has sprung up all over the place because of the 50 Shades phenomenon but in writing about sex, I think erotica authors have always put in some sexy moments within their pieces. That’s what we do. We write about sex, sometimes very kinky sex. We allow all those fantasies we hear about, perhaps long for, to come alive on the very pages within a book. That’s what we’re selling, right? Ah, but those scenes are sometimes just that – scening. Mmm…heard that before?
Scening is taking a particular moment of kinky intimacy shared together in which you do have one in control and the other in the submissive role. Sometimes you have more than two people. And often this involves people that don’t live the lifestyle every day. They simply get together as often as their schedules will allow to enjoy what they crave. Sometimes this is about slightly more than vanilla sex and control, but often it’s about aspects of BDSM. This might include bondage and flogging, discipline and control where the submissive is told exactly what to do to please his or her Master. Sometimes other aspects of pain are used such as figging, clamps, electric stimulation and even headier concepts such as breath control.
Both parties are longing for this and enjoy the playtime. Some have playrooms designed for this very purpose and they so enjoy having others share in this type of journey with them. If you think about the last book you might have read where the author brings you a kinky passage, it’s generally involved around a scene – right? Yes, some books take you on the emotional journey, such as On Becoming His, but others simply allow you to share the dark fantasies. And this is terribly exciting, both for people indulging and you as a reader.
I of course have to caution those of you who long to try something kinky. Whether you and your husband or wife have discussed adding some kink to the bedroom or you’re very much into finding a partner who will help you discover what you have to have, be careful. None of the aspects of anything I’ve talked about before in these blogs leaves the table. You have to communicate, learn, trust, have patience, diligence, honesty, respect and more trust in order to give yourself over to the lifestyle or even just a “scene”. If not done right, not only can you cause physical harm or worse, but you can find yourself in a very uncomfortable position where you’ll NEVER try this again. This is still a journey. Take baby steps. When you find someone you can talk with about what you desire then talk – for a long time – before you ever try anything. When you are comfortable, begin slowly and enjoy. Indulging is special and freeing and the very moment you “let go” might be the most incredible one of your life. But…only after you trust you and this other person.
In writing, I will continue to bring you enjoyable and I hope fantasy fulfilled kink scenes, but I also hope to share with you the highs and lows as people move into the relationshipaspect. Trust me, the lows are heartbreaking but the joys and the highs are the most intense moments I’ve ever known about, let alone written in my books. I hope you’ve enjoyed and some sexy pieces will be coming your way soon.
Happy New Year
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