Continuing Into the D/s Lifestyle…Obedience and Discipline

We’ve talked a bit about discipline and about obedience. This is part two of my thoughts about the very subject and if you’re new to the blog series, I’ve been writing about the emotional journey of moving into the D/s lifestyle for months. This is based on my Best Selling Book, On Becoming His. For my heroine, Jessie, her struggle has been VERY emotional. I’m going to be finishing the final touches on book two, anticipatingLessons Learned, in late January. I realized as I started writing this blog series how much I seem to be touching people with my down to earth concepts. I’m not an expert about this incredible subject nor do I currently live the lifestyle yet, but I so highly respect those who do. There are so many raw and very powerful emotions evoked for people admitting they must have this in their lives to finally attempting to achieve it. It’s not an easy process. For Jessie, she’s continually struggling for the powerful woman she is in real life and the very almost desperate need to succumb to Luke, a Dom who has his own fears and trepidations.

I talk with friends who enjoy reading about certain aspects of domination and submission, and many are foreign to them. We all might want a little spanking now and then in the bedroom, but for submissives to give up control and understand they must obey and will receive discipline if they don’t is truly a freeing yet apprehensive feeling. Even the men I’ve talk with, the majority who crave being a Dom but many who honestly want to live their life as a submissive, they are grateful to be able to read more about this lifestyle in the privacy of their own home. Men are afraid to ask or what they want on both sides because of the labels society puts on them. They don’t feel free to share with their ladies or with their buddies. They talk with me because they know I refuse to judge them. That honors me.

There are many wonderful blogs out there including on The Spanking Network and others (just became a part of this one) so I encourage you to read, read and READ if you’re truly interested. It’s the only way to begin your journey. Read and learn, talk to people and join sites like Fetlife. You’re truly going to learn more this way.

For those of you curious about obeying and discipline, they of course go hand in hand. As I mentioned yesterday, for a woman (of course this can be a man but for blog series the dynamics are Dom/sub) to give up control and actually agree to obey her Dom is truly I kiss the hand that whips mesomething that takes understanding, patience, trust and a full power exchange. This isn’t easy. Imagine one day turning around and allowing others to make even the simpliest decisions for you. Now, of course this doesn’t happen over night. I mentioned about training yesterday and I believe personally that would be the only way I could learn to keep my mouth shut for one thing.

I’ve been called willful before and I’ve laughed and flaunted the very idea, but in a D/s situation, the last thing the Dom wants is a mouthy submissive. That being said, I know from talking with most Dom’s, they want a woman who is still feisty and has her own mind. They prefer highly intelligent women they can talk with and share, and who has her own needs and desires as well as fulfilling his. But they don’t want a woman who constantly pushes back all the time no matter what he asks or requires. Training will help and for every couple this means something different.

So when I was reading about discipline over these past few months I realized spanking is a significant part of the punishment aspect. There are other methods that can be more effective for some including corner time and the loss of privileges, but for this blog I want to talk more about spanking. Were you ever spanked as a child? Now a days I don’t hear about this happening with children in families and I honestly think a bit of corporate punishment might work rather than giving in and allowing them to have everything under the son from cell phone and iPads at the age of three. Don’t get me started there… If you were spanked, do you remember the very concept when your parents told you that you were getting one when you got home? WHEW, that was the moment you were terrified and apprehensive and nervous and… Well, you get the point. For women in this lifestyle, when they are told, texted, emailed that they are going to be punished when he gets home, the anticipation can be the killer. And, even more importantly, she begins to feel so very badly for disappointing him. For submissives, this is the ultimate self-induced punishment. The spanking is more of a cathartic moment allowing her to feel absolution. Punishment spankings happen when an infraction occurs and there are times the Dom will wait until they get home from an event. There are other times the Dom will handle the situation right then and there.

I’ve talked with several who have told me they keep a hairbrush in the glove compartment and she’s been spanked in a parking lot for ridiculous behavior. I know what you’re thinking ,but every couple handles this differently. I also know of some instances when the Dom will spank her in front of friends and require her to stand in a corner, her red ass exposed for all to see. Yes, humiliation can be a very effective disciplinarian.

For many couples, they engage in other forms of spanking including maintenance spankings. This of course means a regular time is established for her to receive a spanking, usually less severe in nature than a punishment spanking and she is reminded about certain behaviors. I had to think about this. I think we’re mostly good people, wanting to follow the rules and when we don’t, there’s that little voice inside all of us that screams out we’ve done wrong. For me I shake and my stomach feels sick. I can only imagine what displeasing my Dom would be like for me as a woman. I long to please and that’s part of becoming a submissive. We want to show our Dom and give him everything without question, including our full obedience and love, trust and go upsetairsunderstanding. We long to stand with him showering him with affection and making certain we never disappoint him.

My thought is the maintenance spankings help the submissive release the pent up anxieties of not only trying so hard every day, but knowing that in receiving this, you grow closer together as a couple. I mentioned yesterday this is very similar to more vanilla couples who practice Domestic Discipline and if you think about it, this is very much so. There is little difference in needing to be a good girl and knowing your man will forgive you. Is there? Maintenance spankings are an amazing way of keeping her in line and for the submissive, she is allowed to tell her Dom her fears and worries, admit her misdeeds and bad behavior and she knows he is going to still love her.

Other couples practice stress relief spankings. This is what it sounds like. She’s had a stressful day at work, her mouth is getting out of hand and she usually asks for a stress relieving spanking. I bet you’re thinking about this one. Now think about a very bad day at work with clients screaming at you, you’ve missed deadlines and you’re worried about being fired. Hmmm… We all face a bit of this every year. What if instead of gabbing the martini when you got home you could stand naked in front of your man, tell him the horrible things that happened and the fears you have buried deep inside of you. What if he tells you how much he loves you and then you are placed over his knees where he proceeds to spank your ass until it’s cherry red and you’re in tears, thereby letting go of all the pent up anxiety? Sounds simplistic, doesn’t it? But… Heck, I know for me I would love this. I would feel so much better just being allowed to cry for the right reasons, pain and yes, absolution.

Well, this was meant to be just a brief session about obedience and discipline and I can tell you that in learning more and reading more, I honestly see how strong women are who make this incredible decision to enter into this lifestyle. Every day I am floored and respect so much more. Think about your very vanilla relationship. What might help to change your everyday arguments? I think for many of us we’ve come to our wits end. Time for a change or ten. But how and what? Hmmm… Just food for thought.

For those of you who have taken your time to teach me and help me understand the powerful dynamics of a D/s relationship, I thank you. This continues to be the most amazing journey for me the writer and me the woman.

Kisses   xxx


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About Cassandre Dayne

Cassandre Dayne is the pseudo for the best selling author of romantic suspense and thrillers
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