On Becoming a Submissive

For many of us, relationships are about complete equality. Whether you’re in a heterosexual or same sex relationship, generally both people have a job, bills to pay, friends and family to deal with and sometimes children to nurture. In the middle of all of this you are friends together, sharing housework and arguments, fears about the future and plans for the weekend. In other words there isn’t a man or woman in charge. That’s been what we know as relationships in our worlds for decades. For a fewA moment of being his of us, we can still remember either our parents’ or our grandparents’ relationships and they did seem just a bit different. Didn’t they? Think about it. Didn’t there seem to be the “last word” and it was usually given by the man? I honestly think the dynamics were tremendously different back then.

Many people have heard me say that in an effort to equalize all things in a relationship the man has been truly emasculated. They were designed to be the protectors after all. All you need to do is look through the history books and you’ll know what I’m talking about. Does this mean that couplings either were or should be D/s – Domination and submission where one is in total control and the other completely obeys? Well no, but I do believe if there was a bit less equality then there wouldn’t be so many divorces. Just my opinion. People who know me learn pretty quickly I’m a strong willed woman. I’m mouthy and ballsy, take no shit from anyone and don’t ask me if you don’t want to know the answer.

That certainly doesn’t bode well in a submissive type relationship. Imagine a man trying to take control of little ole willful me. No laughing just yet. In penning now so many pieces regarding mostly women entering into a D/s lifestyle, I truly have so much respect for both sides. Being a “good” sub or a “better” Dom isn’t easy. I also do a lot of blogs a week and of course I get to see the stats on what people like to read. By far the number one is a couple taking the lifelong journey into this lifestyle. I don’t know if it’s more about curiosity or about a burning desire to take the next step, but readers are craving more and more. This isn’t merely about the explosion from Fifty Shades either as BDSM and D/s aren’t necessarily the same nor do they go hand in hand.

Many people believe that if you are to become a good submissive you have to have the docile personality in order to obey. That has been proven to be very wrong. So many people who long to become a submissive/slave/taken-in-hand or any of the other connotations about this lifestyle are strong willed people to everyone else and in their careers. They tend to be the leaders in society and that’s one reason so many people have a difficult time “coming out” to their friends and family. The horror of what will be said… Perhaps the fear that they’ve been brainwashed. This just isn’t the case.

A Submissives_s PrayerI’ve gone through a lot in my mind, delving into the dark recesses to find the submissive girl inside for my personal journey – not to say I’m living the lifestyle, but connecting with the woman buried behind so many layers have been very emotional. Understanding and accepting ME helps with my writing, especially with my heroines going through the journey. The reader needs to understand the emotions and the angst around choices made. They need to truly gather the sense of what she is going through and how difficult learning to be a good submissive is.

Could you do it? Could you either change the dynamics of your relationship as it exists today and move into this lifestyle, or find a partner who you want to share it with? Some might immediately say yes, thinking we’re talking about “his” control in the bedroom. That’s such a tiny part of what we’re truly getting into with this blog. We are talking about the man (again this can be any combination but for me as well as for my characters the male is the Dom) being in charge of virtually everything. He gets to tell you how to behave, what to do, how to please him and what you are going to do when you are together. There’s usually a set of rules to follow, generally you’ve accepted the concept at minimum, and there are disciplinary actions if you don’t. Yes, this does include being at his pleasure in and out of bed. Sexual intimacy generally is heightened during a D/s relationship. Often this also goes into the level of what you can or can’t wear and he gets to make final decisions or lifelong aspects – such as the new car or the house. Your career will stay the same – normally and maybe even friends and family will notice nothing different. Maybe. But inside…that’s the biggest change I see.

So in becoming a submissive, truly a woman who’s decided to give up the all controlling personality, what attributes does it take? First is allowing your mind to open the very locked Pandora’s Box and looking deep inside. Soul searching takes a long time and no matter what you think, if you make the decision quickly you’re going to be very disappointed and this could very much harm or destroy your current Submissive Rulesrelationship. You have to understand what this means for you and for him and for the combination. And you will fail in your attempt as you move into the journey together.

I don’t know, for me when I finally opened up and took a look at the woman who’d been hiding for so long behind all the need to be strong and opinionated, I was almost shocked. The freeing feeling for me was tremendous. Does that mean I’ve found the perfect setting for a relationship? No, and I may never and I’ve had to come to terms with that. In the small amount of delving into finding what I need, I’ve been called far too willful to tame. I think for me personally it’s much more about finding the right “fit” of a Dom who is strong enough as a man – not with a whip in hand – who will take the time to nurture. Each woman will be different, however, and you have to be true to you first. Very true.

If you’ve really opened up to yourself, then the next step of course is to your partner. The journey moves into another plain here and at this point love, trust, honor, respect, patience and understanding are right in the forefront and in no particular order. If this sounds like a tough and very tall order, you’re right. In talking with people who have even been in this lifestyle for years and with the same person, they struggle sometimes daily. You have to give yourself a break as you continue down the path. What does it take to become a good submissive? The desire first, the understanding second, the communication always, and soul searching for the rest of your life. Throw in being completely uninhibited in your discussions and open for something so few understand and you might begin to get the picture. Talk, think, plan and talk some more. This is a personal journey and one I know so many people are thrilled they made. Respect you and your needs and you might be surprised how the change can affect your life. Good luck.

Kisses   xxx


About Cassandre Dayne

Cassandre Dayne is the pseudo for the best selling author of romantic suspense and thrillers
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13 Responses to On Becoming a Submissive

  1. mark c. says:

    Cassandre, my best friend Kim and i have been “together” for 18.yrs. we do love each other but that’s as far as its gone. we’ve lived together for most of this time. i wish to be her sub. letting her “vent” on me and humiliate me as needed. she’s been through a lot of. shit in life and needs something like this. any. advice?!


  2. Sara says:

    Wonderful Article. This is the best article on this subject I’ve read in a long time. 🙂 I happily live in an unequal relationship. It’s truly wonderful. ^_^


  3. Jonathan says:

    I would say women are naturally fearful of men and hide things from men and do not share their inner workings with men, by default, so when a woman explores this lifestyle, she opens herself up to a whole world of connecting with a man that she would never have even a taste of while controlling everything (as is the way these days). I know that this could apply to any gender, but I just want to say that, you know, if women can’t do this, how can they expect men to know them well, to care about who they really are, and to love them as they really want to be loved?


    • I’m not fearful of men at all. I feel that they are simply different in needs and desires. Honestly, if women can understand men need to be in control then they can learn to understand them more – as well as themselves. Men are natural born leaders and the realization can be mind bending.


      • Jonathan says:

        Well it needs to be said that you are exceptional, and come further in preparing yourself for a functional relationship than most women. I don’t think the majority of Western women would be able to say they don’t fear men without lying.

        As for myself, I discovered a deep desire for mutual submission–a free flow of selfness between two complementary beings. I don’t want to have to dominate a woman for her to give herself to me, but I would do whatever it takes to earn the heartfelt tenderness of a truly good woman. And I have a considerable idea of how to give myself to her. But in my experience, today, everything hinges upon a woman’s trust, and so many have been brainwashed to never give it. And if a woman does not commit to the act of genuine interpersonal submission (not like a dog or doormat, like feminists seem to think), she will never BE ABLE to genuinely trust or love a man, and there will be no chance for that relationship to go beyond a partnership of convenience (either sex or financial support).


      • I understand and appreciate everything you’re saying. I found my center quite frankly after years of the perceived “normal” relationships didn’t work. I’m very assertive and powerful in the day = the old adage about women who can submit, however, it’s all about trust with me. The man I consider my owner is half of my soul. It’s no at all just about submission but about sharing everything that exists deep within and vice versa. It’s been mind blowing at times. I’m glad you are on a very special journey of your own.


  4. Theresa says:

    I would like to become a submissive


  5. Slave Tracy says:

    I’m just now at age 45 delving into the world of being a sub. I’m reading all I can and he says I’m a fast learner. This article was very well written and seems to follow how our relationship is developing. He is dominant but caring. So glad my first Dom has experience in this and knows it isn’t just about him tying me up and whipping me and demanding blow jobs. Anyway thank for this article. It made me feel good about my choice


  6. sherry says:

    its brain washing BS! women don’t need to be submissive to men just to keep one! bs why is it everyone expects a woman to change herself to accommodate a man and his insecurities and failure to evolve?


    • Sherry

      I think you missed the entire point. Strong women done’t need to keep any man. Men gravitate toward them. They enjoy taking the lead the majority of the time. Submitting to a man is a powerful tool and one many find utter joy in IF they peel away the mask. This isn’t for everyone of course but it certainly isn’t bullshit – just another aspect of living your life the way you want to.


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