Continuing into the D/s Lifestyle…Finding Balance

Boy oh boy I’m tired and it’s early morning. It’s been one of those weeks in truth I’d like to just put on a shelf and lock it away as just being stupid. People are angry, arrogant and most of all intolerant of anything they don’t like. That’s my day job – worrying about whether trash cans are out one day too long or if the grounds company is actually going to cut grass today. As I say, whoopedy-doo and a Scooby Belonging to himtreat too. Then there’s the escape of coming home and writing, my favorite thing in the world to do – most of the time. There are some exceptions in this fantasy world as well and a hell of a lot of disappointments. Burning the candle at both ends seems to be something we all do – in other words we’re all trying to find some balance in our lives.

On Becoming His – Lessons Learned has been out for a few days, and while I’ve had very few comments, it’s doing well. I was thinking about how to begin the next one in the collection and it forced me to reflect on what Jessie and Luke were going through in Lesson’s Learned – balance in their relationship. But doesn’t every couple have difficulties with this from time to time? Of course we all do. Now imagine being in a D/s or a DD relationship and you are really just getting into the changes – and there are many changes.

We’ve talked about the fact the majority of us grew up during a time where total and complete equality in a relationship was not only expected, but anything less was not tolerated and was usually labeled as being wrong in some manner. Many people who longed to find and share in a loving D/s or DD relationship hid behind a mask with their friends and families. They still do. No one knew what went on behind closed doors. No one realized that the man was now in charge, providing guidance and training, nurturing and needed discipline. Both parties in the relationship generally didn’t feel comfortable or trusting enough to tell even their closest friends for fear of being ridiculed. So they attempted to find balance within themselves. It can be a very daunting situation.

Perhaps you’re just into the new relationship and even if you’ve been together as a couple for years, the dynamics are so entirely different they tend to clash with work and play, kids and merely every day chores. How do you best fit the concept he is the one in charge and she is to obey? Of course this is fairly primitive in what I’m saying. There’s so much more to even deciding to enter into a D/s relationship. But some of the basics are the same. One person now becomes in charge – whether he makes the entire household decisions or the major ones only doesn’t matter. His word is the final say. She must alter the inner very Endless Lovecontrolling part of her so as not to back talk or push back. Trust me, that’s tremendously difficult for some women.

I write Jessie as a real woman, one facing all those inner demons we have. She’s beautiful and successful in her professional life, but she’s also completely vulnerable because of her dark fears, her worries about being alone and lonely. She loves Luke with all her heart giving him what she thinks is all of her, yet she continues to see questions in his eyes about whether they made the right decision, whether they should even be together. And so she tries harder. Don’t you try harder when you’re terrified, and that tends to lend itself to bad behavior, the wrong decisions being made, and usually some fairly nasty arguments? What would happen in a D/s relationship?

Well, both the man and the woman have to find balance. He has to keep from lashing out, perhaps disciplining when angry. She has to learn from her mistakes, understanding why she not only deserves to be spanked but is ready to accept the “talking to” they will have together. Notice I say “they”. This is also about communication and there is no way to find the smooth ride together without being totally open. I was talking with some new friends of mine in a DD forum (for those of you who don’t know – domestic discipline) and they are fairly new to the lifestyle and both the husband and wife are finding certain aspects difficult. He is worried about disciplining her and she continues to long for more, encouraging him by being supportive. She knew I was questioning my own desires and suggested I talk with other men who are entering into the relationship – DD or D/s. So I have more and more and for some men, they always knew this was what they wanted. For others, they were coerced in a sense by their wives. Interesting, eh? And the biggest reason that the women tell me they want this is finding more – you got it, balance in their lives. They are tired of the fight every day and long to turn over the reins.

I think this is fairly profound. The old ways – men were hunters and gatherers and women were nurturers. Few things have changed really in the sense of our make up as man and woman. Society has forced us to alter the most primitive of behaviors. Hmmm… Like Jessie and Luke, couples will continue to struggle and there isn’t a magic wand or a moment when everything clicks. This is a journey of exploration and failures. This is about opening up so completely there are no secrets. This is about letting go.

My belief – and remember I will never claim to be an expert – is that finding true balance will take years and more acceptance of the public in understanding there’s nothing weird or wrong with longing to live this lifestyle. 50 Shades certainly put the spotlight on the BDSM community – but in a good way? Eh, I personally don’t think so in several aspects. Granted, my BDSM books are hotter but that’s not real life – it’s A Submissives_s Prayernot. The joys I have seen as people talk about their venture into D/s and DD has been eye opening and so incredible. I’m so very happy to have found people I can trust and talk with, sharing my needs and those of my characters. I think as I continue on my personal journey as well as the one with Jessie and Luke, all of us will grow.

Take a moment and reflect on your current relationship. Have the courage to go to him or her and tell them you want a change – doesn’t have to be a full blown move into either lifestyle, but you can’t begin unless you start being honest with yourself and communicating. Find your own personal balance and I think you’ll be a much more fulfilled person.

Kisses   xxx



Jezebel Waters and Luke Brennan entered into a D/s life together, exploring and learning the sacred concepts of trust, love, understanding, willingness to please, submission and utter devotion. Their journey was ongoing and in her mind, she embraced every aspect, including control — his control. Luke was a strict disciplinarian but also a passionate mate, who gave her his entire heart, soul and most importantly – his total acceptance of all of her. In turn, she was required to give him every aspect of herself, no matter what he asked. There were challenges along the way and while Jessie was committed to obeying, she was after all, willful. But there were reasons… Luke was hiding things from her.

Luke was a haunted man, one who held a secret close to his heart, and his past threatened to derail everything they shared together. Questioning his ability as her on-becoming-his-book-3-revised-march-no-ben-500x800Dom had become a daily event and in turn he was disputing her devotion. During a course of events, both Luke and Jessie were required to face their respective demons as they moved forward into the world of BDSM, including an entrance into the dark world he’d left behind years before. His greatest fear? Losing her forever when she discovers his secret.

Share the story of Jessie and Luke as they continue on an emotional journey. For Jessie she must delve deep into her psyche, not only beginning to understand her willingness to become Luke’s submissive in every way. She also must comprehend exactly what the new beginning would entail — trust and control. For Luke, he must learn to balance his need to have devotion and obedience with patience. Jessie’s struggles to embrace every aspect of the lifestyle forced him to face the fact he was still a man, one very much in love as well as vulnerable. True love somehow refuses to be denied.

On Becoming His, the first in the series, introduces you to Jessie and Luke. On Becoming Her Sir, will further delve into their exploration of the lifestyle and the challenges they both must face, both personally and together as a couple as they move deeper into aspects of D/s as well as BDSM. Can they survive the pitfalls to obtain what few ever achieve, the most committed and very powerful of relationships? Only their continued journey will tell…

The journey will never end. It is only the beginning…



On Becoming His – Lessons Learned

On Becoming His


About Cassandre Dayne

Cassandre Dayne is the pseudo for the best selling author of romantic suspense and thrillers
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2 Responses to Continuing into the D/s Lifestyle…Finding Balance

  1. Kathy Lewis says:

    I just got my copy. Once I finish, I’ll post a review. Thanks.


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