Happy Sunday morning. For any of you who know me you realize I write in several genres, but mostly my heat level is high and the content very kinky. I like to be accurate in what I write – at least as much as possible. For anyone who understands about authors, you know that while writing what you know or love can easily convey emotions and truly set a vivid scene, its not always possible. So what do we do? We research a heck of a lot. Whether our research entails learning more about the French countryside or perhaps the dialog of a country, what I research tends to be about sex and alternative lifestyles. No snickering. Don’t get me wrong – all alternative lifestyles don’t or don’t have to center around sex to any degree but for my books I make portions sexy or sensual. Sometimes sex is a center part. Sex sells books.
For me, I like a good sex story like the next person, but I prefer having a story line or angst in the middle. In how many ways can you sauce up a ménage or a kink scene? Well… In learning more about my craft, I’ve found I enjoy writing about two alternative lifestyles the most and often they are generally intertwined – at least in the public eye. DD (domestic discipline) and D/s (Domination and submission) are often interrelated and just as often misconstrued. First of all know that I am no expert, nor do I live either lifestyle, although I’ve figured out that both needs are buried deep within my psyche. Notice I say needs and not wants or desires. For those of us (this one time I’ll put myself in this category) the need in innate like breathing, but we usually come to this knowledge and understanding late in our lives. Sadly, this can happen after we’ve been involved in what many call a vanilla relationship. The stunning and sometimes earth shattering realization certainly created anxiety for several reasons. What will our partner say? Can I tell him or her what I need? What happens when my family finds out, will they label me a freak?
They are daunting enough. But I’m getting ahead of myself.
In doing my research I Google and search the Internet like a fiend. For my D/s pieces I’ve talked with Dom’s and submissives and the reasons why they moved into this lifestyle as well as learning about their triumphs and tribulations. I’ve been on forums and read articles and non-fiction books. While there is no loss of information about BDSM (thank you or not thank you Fifty Shades) and a good amount on Domination and submission, there isn’t nearly as much on Domestic Discipline. And when I ask other about what they know about DD, they often comment on how it’s about using pain in a relationship. Pain? Well… The lifestyle involves spankings and other forms of discipline as determined by the HOH (Head of Household) after rules are broken. Spankings usually bring a level of pain, but the very concept is the most miniscule portion.
Are D/s and DD similar? Yes they are in that there is one in charge (usually the husband in DD) and a submissive, D/s can be much more intensive and also much more sexual. There are aspects of sexuality used for control as well as discipline in D/s – but not necessarily BDSM. Aren’t all these acronyms making your head swim? They are mine. Don’t get caught up in them.
Bottom line is that DD, D/s and whatever flavoring and labeling you want to place around the package is entirely different for every couple. And how do they get to the place they are even comfortable with the understanding and the acceptance? Well, first through intensive soul searching. You have to know what you need, must have, can no longer live without and what you will do anything to achieve first. Even if this means feeling embarrassment and worry about telling your partner. You must be comfortable with yourself and with this light bulb moment. You have to ask yourself questions first, perhaps do the research as to what you might be talking about, then you must talk with your partner absolutely candidly. We, as women, often glaze over telling our man something or asking him about the truth. Do you really want to know ladies about those jeans we all tease about? Probably not cause sometimes guys will simply answer without thinking.
Well, in this lifestyle change that’s going to be so significant, you can’t hold anything about. There must be rounds of serious discussions, allowing the inner you out to the point you feel tremendously vulnerable. And you have to know that your partner might be put off. After all, if you’ve had the dynamic of total equality, you’re now asking him to assume the role of head of household, overall caretaker, disciplinarian and the man in charge of practically everything. Think about how daunting that would be or a man. Think about his trepidation and down right terror about hurting you when giving you a spanking. Think about his personal concerns about anyone finding out. Daunting, right? What you need to know is that this takes time, lots of time, to come to the determination within yourself and to even begin to move to this alternative form of relationship. This is a journey, just like I mention with D/s and the On Becoming His collection. This is not about scening in BDSM, whipping, flogging, being tied up or being a pain monger. This is about the woman’s need to let go, to find the centered and grounded place she’s been missing her entire life. This is about the most heightened form of trust and respect there can be. This is about becoming…
Recently I had the good fortune of finding a forum or chat room on A Domestic Discipline Society. The website is dedicated to Domestic Discipline with all kinds of articles and links, discussions and how to’s. It’s run by what I’ve found to be a very informative HOH who has taken his time to answer my most basic questions. His experience and knowledge has given me a lot to think about and a need to adjust my writing about DD a bit. He’s also opened doors for me with being kind enough to post my books and this blog site. I have the link on my About Me page but I’ll post at the bottom as well.
In addition, he suggested the chat room where I could go and talk with others who are in this lifestyle or trying to be. So I tentatively dove in at first (no laughing since you know that’s not my personality) Very quickly I became comfortable and started talking. The group is diversified, coming from several locations in the world, and they are highly intelligent and very open people. There are couples and women who are going through divorce, longing for more. There are men who think they are Dom’s and worry about moving past that fine line of knowing they want to be in charge to becoming abusive. They have truly opened my eyes in their honestly and candor and through their eyes I’ve gained a much better picture of the lifestyle. They’d purchased my books and given me their honest opinion and I am forever grateful. I realized more and more that this is the lifestyle I need to live. BUT…I have so much to learn. LORDY I do.
I was in the room last night – boy was it lively – and the most diverse it’s ever been, and we were discussing some aspects and differences in D/s and DD and we were talking to the owner of the site, forever known as Mr. BB to all of us, about something that is on his site as well as a concept I had read some about on a DD blog I stumbled on and felt moved by. The experience is called DD Boot Camp. Now, I’m not going to really get into the entire concept simply because I have no knowledge, have no experience and in truth, do NOT want to steer anyone in the wrong direction. I also heard from Mr. BB that he has mentored couples who have gone through Boot Camp and has seem permanent damage done to the relationships. So that gave me pause. (That’s why these forums and chats are so good.) So – in other words do not simply tell yourself you want or need this. NO. Read and learn, research and talk to your partner. You must. I can’t stress that enough.
What is Boot Camp? Here’s my limited take on this and I say VERY limited. Well, it’s basically an intensive session that can last several days of total control and an immersion in the DD lifestyle. As with every couple, this experience can mean one thing to one and another etc… But from what I’ve read about couples who’ve gone through this, they completely fall into him being in control and a plan is laid out for the multiple days. The one I read had the woman remaining naked in their home for two solid days – breaking down the fact you can hide behind clothing. They unplugged from everything and told their friends and family they were taking a weekend very much alone together. In other words zero distractions.
She was required to ask for everything, including going to the bathroom. They had discussions together about rules and finances, some needed changes and behavioral changes. She also received three spankings a day, one being what they called severe and pulling him out of this comfort zone. In other words the spanking was so intense a heightened level of pure pain was introduced. Hmm… Well, her story was very moving for me because she felt so emotional but I can see why as a new couple especially this is way too much.
Do I personally think an immersion of some sort might be beneficial? Yes, but that can be achieved in conversations and discussions, truly communicating together about fears and needs. Again, my opinion only based on the little I know and still learning. I also believe time – lots of time is involved. You can’t go from zero to sixty quickly or you are setting yourself up for failure. You also have to forgive yourself because you will fail some aspects. You will move back to the “other” person you were – whether the submissive or the HOH, and even have resentment you decided to more into this lifestyle. You will so become prepared for it if you’re considering the change. You have to be you and know what you want. Remember that.
I understand more of where Mr. BB is coming from. I was originally going to include a Boot Camp portion in my next DD book. Not any longer. Again, every couple is different and what works for one doesn’t necessarily work for another. You have to find the balance with each other and the truth is all about trust, respect and continued very open communication. This is also about love – pure love in the highest form. Never forget that.
What do you think? I’d love to hear your thoughts. Thank you to my new friends for opening my eyes. You guys rock in your honestly and love for each other and what you have shown me.
A Domestic Discipline Society