Submissive or Slave…What is the Difference?

A lot of the books I write are based on alternative lifestyles. Any of you who know me realize I write about BDSM, Domination/submission, Domestic Discipline, gay and lesbian, interracial and ménage. I also write what some consider very traditional romance. What do they all have in common? Love. We all hunger for a strong connection and love. Love has no boundaries. Love is color blind, gender blind and sexual orientation blind – or so I like to think. You bet the truth is there is still MUCH discrimination but for today, I’m not going there. I think being able to learn from many couples, gleaning from the joys and sorrows they share have helped me become a better author. Why? I listen and find myself caring. I long to bring their stories to light in a realistic fashion, not just whips and chains and dungeons oh my.

Humans are interesting creatures when it comes to relationships and the more I get into learning about Domination and submission the more intense my needs to learn more become. Again, I don’t live the lifestyle so some of my views are certainly jaded – but I think in a very good way. I’ve been learning more lately about the differences in being a slave versus being a submissive. The majority of my books are truly about the woman – usually in my case – who are submissives. They have a Dom they submit to but they also have more of a vanilla life outside of their house. The On Becoming His Collection is the perfect example of this. Jessie is a strong woman and her powers outside the house are very authoritative. She doesn’t text Luke about her whereabouts or have to have anything in the outside world approved. However when she’s together behind closed doors, she has rules that she must follow. Her place in her mind is well known – she is subservient to him.

For those in the vanilla world, some of you might be rolling your eyes thinking there is no way you could submit to any man. I assure you there are a lot more women as well as men who hunger for this lifestyle than you can understand. They have lived their entire lives knowing something has been missing. They long for someone to dominate over them, their desire to please strong. Once they envelop this need they honestly can’t live without it. In so many D/s relationships, there is a give and take, even though there is a TPE or total power exchange. However, again there are aspects of the vanilla world they simply incorporate into their routine. This works for so many.

The submissive loves being on her knees when her Dom comes home, a drink on the table or a paddle waiting because he’s told her in no uncertain terms she is being disciplined. Of course the shared moments are different for everyone. They have developed a set of routines and rules that both agree on. Everything is completely consensual and the submissive becomes much more fulfilled as a human. Yes, in their minds they do. They are happier and more well adjusted. They love life and can’t wait to submit to the one man who has given them the freedom to be who they truly are. There is nothing more beautiful than hearing a submissive talk about pleasing her Dom. She loves seeing the look on his face when she pleases him. She may or may not be wearing a collar and if she is in public, the likelihood that others know what the beautiful choker around her neck signifies. She doesn’t have to expose the lifestyle because in public there are few outward signs. Certainly she is required to obey him but I’ve talked with many a couple where you wouldn’t know.

Now being a slave, so I have recently found out much more clearly, is entirely different. I must admit I am daunted as well as intrigued by the entire lifestyle. This is much more of a Master/slave concept. I don’t know if I’ll do the lifestyle justice in talking about the differences but there are MANY. Oh baby there are. First of all the Master has to have full control. His life revolves around controlling everything – and I do mean everything. As I’ve been told – serving and obeying is the slave’s life. The slave absolutely cannot do anything without approval. I think about and react in my mind to this perhaps differently than others who have not ever talked about or witnessed the lifestyle. Think about your every day life. Imagine not being able to do anything on your own – ANYTHING.

I’ve talked a little bit about this before but as I’m truly listening, reading, talking and learning more about this dynamic, I realize just how encompassing being a slave can be. You can’t eat, drink, pee, dress, shave, leave the house, talk on the phone, visit friends or choose to do any of your recreational activities without his express approval. You take these every day events for granted. You get up and shower, get dressed after thinking about what you want to wear, grab a cup of coffee and out the door you go. You talk to friends at work, make a play date and perhaps stop at a bar for a drink and a bite to eat before going home, choosing a movie and answering emails. You enjoy the quiet night, perhaps have a nightcap and go to bed when you want. Then you do this all over again. What if you couldn’t do a single one of these things without permission and what if the Master used holding back approval as control at times to help train you into understanding your place – to serve and obey? Are you racing for the hills yet?

What you may or may not understand is that for many slaves they are born this way. Just like some of us have strong, willful personalities that must achieve, slaves are the opposite. Some want nothing more than to find a Master and the very concept of doing what they are told 24/7 is freeing and the best love in the world. As I was reminded at one point, love is a part of this – just in perhaps a different manner than you read about in fairy tales. Love/pain/obeying – they all go hand in hand. If you don’t obey – discipline and punishment are going to happen. This isn’t about spanking over the knee either. We’ll get into that aspect in another blog. Rest assured the punishment is not something you want to experience every day – nor can your body accept physically.

I just wanted to bring out the differences. I am learning more every day. I am beginning to realize why slaves hunger so desperately for this every day. And I am learning that a Master is much more of a sadist than a Dom might be. Again, every relationship different but I do see Masters have very dark needs, those I can’t even talk about on this rather vanilla blog. I’ve heard stories and know what certain Masters will do/have done/are going to continue doing and you bet I’m nervous but also extremely amazed at their level of control on their desires. They are very, very dark. Whew. Getting chills just thinking about this. I doubt I’ll ever be able to write well this dynamic but I certainly respect it. More later as I continue to learn and grow. Thank you to those who have allowed me a look inside – you amaze me.

What do you think – slave or submissive?

I hope you’ve enjoyed.

Kisses and spanks

Cassandre