You’ve often heard me call forms of BDSM art – including perfecting methods of pain. I was reminded again of that last night during a very terse conversation with a fairly tough but fair Master. He and I talk a lot about aspects of an M/s relationship – Master/slave. He’s enlightened me as to so many aspects of the lifestyle and sometimes we don’t see eye to eye on a lot of things. Again, for me last night was a prime example of the need for very good communication. When there is less than stellar, things and conversations can get pretty heated. Now granted, I’m a very opinionated woman. I find it extremely difficult to keep my mouth shut, whether it be for a man or a Master. I think that’s probably one of my issues in keeping me from submitting to anyone completely. I need to know everything RIGHT NOW.
I sigh when I think about it because he certainly can’t spend any time with me. I value every moment he shares his life experiences as I have none – and he oh, so reminded me of this fact last night. I am finishing the third in my DD (Domestic Discipline) collection – titled appropriately Discipline and the issue between my couple has been all about poor communication skills. Yeah, there’s a lot of guilt mixed into this from their past lives and things in previous relationships they handled badly, but the bottom line – communication. After sleeping on and thinking about the conversation I had, I realize he and I are just not on the same plane. He’s been involved since he was very young and I’ve basically talked to Masters – have a few precious moments of experiencing what I call pure joy, but nothing so intense or all encompassing.
I need from him things that I certainly can’t get texting or yahooing, or even the very infrequent calls we have. In other words I need time – time spent to explore and ask questions, time to get to know all of him and time to get to know the inner girl. Now I’m not saying that I’m considering submitting – it’s more rhetorical for my writing, but the entire experience is very similar at minimum. I kept throwing the buzz word of ‘trust’ around and while he does understand, he said bluntly that unless I get experience then I will have no way of trusting or any idea about what he thinks I want in my personal life let alone be able to convey the words correctly writing.
He and I have talked about me and he thinks I’m a pain slut. Now for those of you who don’t know, that’s where a human enjoys having pain inflicted on them. The feeling of release is supposedly intense to the point of reaching subspace. Yes, it’s basically being a masochist to a sadist who totally enjoys the other side. He or she of course, can’t get personal release unless they are able to inflict pain. For many, their sexual satisfaction is wrapped around this very notion. He was trying to explain his thoughts, which I called needs, and he quickly corrected me saying I knew nothing about him nor had I been listening AT ALL to what he was telling me. Me being me, mouthy and willful, I tried to correct him. Well, not good behavior for a Master, even to a woman who is merely learning about the lifestyle. Of course I disrespected him.
But I also realized that because he and I have short bursts of what you might call “sessions”, I can’t completely grasp all the concepts. I just can’t. I kept telling him I’m not stupid or some acronym thereof and finally he asked me why I kept saying that to him. I know why. I felt stupid in a way because I should understand without question what he’s trying to tell me – right? I say here in this blog – WRONG. It takes times to not only understand and accept yourself, but also the man or woman who you might end up kneeling to, submitting your body and soul to. Is this about trust? Hell yes, but its much deeper than that even. For a basically vanilla person (trust me I’m wicked but until you live what I’m talking about you are creamy white) I am used to a type of lifestyle. For me the notion of asking when to go to the bathroom or getting a glass of water is foreign at best, ridiculous at second but this is control – needed control in order to release to your Master. Add the pain concept on this and you can imagine the fear that sweeps through your body and mind, the thoughts that drive you into a dark, very dark place.
But he has a point in that I wasn’t truly accepting what he was saying about him. I wasn’t listening well enough. I wasn’t giving him the respect, even in these short bursts, to allow him to show me the man inside. I kept asking and when he did I tried to usurp I guess my level of authority on him. Not that I was consciously trying, but I know now that’s what I was doing. It takes me stepping back and looking at things the next day to realize what I did or didn’t do. He told me a snippet about himself – that I won’t tell you ever – that I caught and I think it bothered him. BUT he let me in to a very dark side of him and I will forever respect him for the level of trust that he gave me. But it was telling and as I reflect today on the conversation I see about a zillion layers. They weren’t peeled away, but rather we peeked inside each other, testing the waters so to speak. It’s all about how you talk to each other and the time you give to – LISTEN. Yep folks, all those old adages are so true. You must be a very good listener first in order to understand anything. This is true in vanilla or kink.
So I sit here wondering whether he’ll ever talk to me. Granted, he was pretty darn ugly to me last night – did I deserve? Mmmm – not certain how to answer that. The secret he revealed I would love to explore but how can he trust me – when I didn’t listen very well. Hmmm… Then again, can I trust him to completely let go, be totally uninhibited to totally let the submissive side of me out so I can write well? That remains the question this morning as I sit ready to write and finish my DD book – one all about communication. Thoughts for the day. I am reflective and unsure. But I did learn a valuable lesson. Tell me what you think?
Kisses and spanks