Well as I sit here today with an impending snowstorm I can’t help but think about the fact I can’t control the weather any more than I can my own behavior sometimes. Hmmm… What do I mean by that? I am very bold in my personality and I think that simply allows me to behave in the manner in which I’m accustomed to – any way I want. You can imagine, that doesn’t bode well for a D/s lifestyle. I decided to do one more on Sage and Randy’s story as I think their vulnerability resonates with so many of my readers. They simply are real people, enjoying everyday life in any way they can. In talking with John Patrick, we discussed what kind of people are involved in the lifestyle and why. I was mentioning the different men and women I’ve had conversations with over the last couple of years and gave him my insight.
From what I’ve learned, there isn’t one particular type of person who embraces the lifestyle. We are professionals, teachers, engineers and architects. We are musicians and neighbors, church goers and PTA mom’s. We’re lovers and students, married couples and grandmothers. In other words, if you stood on your street you’d have zero idea who practices BDSM or DD or D/s. Yes, there are some tell tale signs such as a collar worn. But even then, some collars are merely beautiful creations of art.
John Patrick is a very visionary Dom and his needs are increasing. We have many a conversation about how his desires as well as his requirements are increasing. He regularly sends me pictures, those depicting all aspects of D/s including beautiful photos of how close the relationship can be. One in particular that will always resonate with me shows an intimate couple out and about, a cuff around her one wrist and a short chain to one around his. There is something about his level of control and the fact she’s relinquishing it that gives me chills. I can only imagine how safe and adored she feels.
Imagine your life if you gave up control, allowing your Dom or the Head of Household to take over aspects of your life, your wellbeing. Freeing or stifling? What I’ve found in talking with other couples is that this need doesn’t necessarily happen while you’re forming your ideal concepts for a significant other. Do I believe that we are all born with a dominant or submissive gene? Yes, but society and families, obligations and fears sometimes don’t allow us to embrace what we will be able to later in life. For me, I didn’t even allow the concept into my mind or soul until about three years ago, when I knew something was desperately missing. Am I falling easily into being a submissive? Just ask John Patrick. I can say this – what a patient man. He’s allowed me to see his gentle and patient side, one that has given me to courage to slowly begin breaking down my last walls of fear. There is nothing like the increased level of communication – something that is so needed for couples in order to continue on their journey. I think that’s what our couple is finding out. Passion is increased. Adoration moves off the charts. The closeness couples share is truly amazing BUT there must be uninhibited communication in order for him to control and her to relinquish. Back to the story.
The touch of his hand, the way his lips brushed across hers was stilling. Sage had never felt so loved or so safe in her marriage before. She could tell by the look on his face he continued to have difficulty in his need to discipline her. She’d pushed him hard over the last couple of months, in her own way pressuring him to take a stand. Soul searching had only been more confusing. She knew her personality was hardcore, aggressive, but lately she couldn’t shut her mouth. She hadn’t been able to call him Sir as often as he would like, giving him the respect he did indeed deserve. “I love you.”
“You have no idea how much I love you. Now go reflect and I’ll be back in a little while,” Randy breathed as he kissed her cheek and took a step back.
“Can I ask you something?”
“You can ask me anything. You know that.”
She hesitated and was surprised she remained as nervous as she was, her heart racing. She’d never had trouble talking with him before or worried about what she’d said. Comments and words usually spewed out of her mouth, whether in joy or in anger. So many thoughts were racing in her mind. Perhaps this was the crux of the problem. She hadn’t respected the boundaries, the basic concept of their respective roles. The exchange of power wasn’t complete.
“Sage, are you all right?” His voice held concern.
“Yes,” she said as she nodded and couldn’t look him in the eyes. My God. She was trembling all over as if her body was finally reacting to the spanking. But she knew better. This had nothing to do with the fact her ass was on fire and she wouldn’t be able to sit down comfortably for a couple of days. This had nothing to do with any worry or fear she had about her beloved husband. Her body’s reaction had everything to do with her full realization she needed to relinquish complete control right now, at this moment. And she had absolutely no clue how to completely let go. She wasn’t equipped to simply hand over the reins. All the discussions and all the promises and she was a complete failure at submitting to him. She’d locked down her bad girl personality, refusing to give up the ballsy girl she’d been her entire life. Why? Why did she suck so badly at this? Why couldn’t she merely give him what they both needed? Tears sprung to her eyes and she sucked in her breath to keep from betraying her heightened level of emotions.
Tipping his head he walked closer, his eyes darting back and forth across her face. “Honey. What’s wrong? Why are you crying?”
“I’m not crying.”
He seemed taken aback as he closed the distance. Very slowly he pressed his hands onto her upper arms. “Please talk to me. Please tell me what’s going on. Did I hurt you?”
She shuddered, her lower lip quivering and a line of tears slipped down her cheeks. “No! I mean yes. I mean…” Laughing nervously she wiggled back and forth. “I was spanked. It was supposed to hurt. Remember?” Sage looked around him, at the wall, then to the door, then to his desk, then to…
“Sage. Stop fidgeting. You can tell me anything.” Cupping her chin he gently lifted her chin. “Anything. No matter what.”
“Are you angry with me?” The words were blurted out.
“Because I can’t give you what you need? Because I’m not the submissive you want and I…”
“Hold on. Please.”
She was surprised how soft and nurturing his voice was. “I’m sorry. I just…”
Randy cleared his throat and pushed his index finger over her lips. “I said, hold on. Be patient for me. Allow me to answer your question.”
Patience wasn’t a virtue period. Along with every other aspect of her personality that was very dominating, patience was something she’d be reincarnated ten times over to learn. Even then she’d fail. Just like she was failing at being his submissive. She clenched her eyes shut and still the tears came.
“Sage. Look at me. Open your beautiful eyes for me.”
A full five seconds ticked by before she had the courage to open her eyes. When she did she was surprised at the look on his face, one of utter adoration as well as total control over the moment, over his emotions. Her husband seemed so strong and she was instantly at ease. “Yes sir.” The words came easily.
“I’m never angry with you. I realized from the moment we started our journey together that we would have trying times and that your personality would continue to shine through. And I do say shine.” He laughed, his eyes dancing in the dim lighting.
“I…” Instantly she shut her mouth, chastising her need to know or have everything now. God, she was pathetic.
“I knew this was going to be difficult for you. Giving up control isn’t something that anyone takes easily. It’s all about time, comfort and trust.”
“But I do trust you. I swear.”
Randy sucked in his breath. “Sage. Please.”
Nodding, she bit her lip and longed to wipe away the tears, but they continued to fall, the beads tickling her skin. Goose bumps popped along her arms and legs and she shivered.
“I know you trust me. This is more about you trusting you. Only then will you be able to let go.”
The words were profound, something she hadn’t considered at all. Blinking furiously she had to think about what he’d said. Amazing. “Trust myself?”
“Yes. You need to reflect on why you can’t do that. When you fully embrace why, then you’ll be able to allow your last guard down with me. And no matter what that is, what you tell me or share with me, I’m still going to love you. I’ll always love you. Have I been angry with you? No. Have I been disappointed you pushed so damn hard about everything I ask you, every rule I try and impose? Yes. But the truth is, I haven’t been strong enough for you. You were testing me and I failed.”
“Failed? No!” Horror raced through her. He hadn’t failed. She’d failed. She was the one who’d fucked this up and who was driving them into… Sage couldn’t even think about the concept.
“Yes. I failed you Sage. But, a wise woman told me that this is a journey, one we were taking together through the good and the bad, through the ugly words and fears. This isn’t something that we will ever perfect, merely learn and grow as needed. I figured out I had to completely accept my role before you can lean on me.” Randy shook his head. “I’m certain having my own dumbass moments, but I’m learning.” Leaning down he lowered his voice to barely a whisper. “There isn’t anything that will bother me or push me away as long as we’re honest with each other. I love you. I will always love you. Understand?”
She wasn’t entirely certain he understood how amazing his words were to her, how much she was tingling all over as flashes of her past, her terrors rushed forward. Unable to focus for a few seconds she concentrated on the sound of his voice.
“Do you understand?”
“Yes sir I do.” There was no method, no correct words to describe the way a series of raw emotions rushed through her or the incredible bliss that was like a white-hot jolt of current. Suddenly she could see clearly, light showering around her. “I do.” She laughed as the tears continued to fall. He was right. She needed to learn to let go of the weight holding her down, trust her own judgments and forgive herself.
“Good. I’m glad.” Capturing her mouth he wrapped his arms around her, holding her tightly against his chest.
His warmth, the way his heart was thumping hard enough she could tell, was invigorating to her. This was a defining moment, one she never would have expected. As she breathed in the sweet scent of him, pain from her spanking lingering like a warm blanket, she completely let go in his arms. The feeling was so euphoric that she began to sob.
Breaking the kiss he smiled, his arms never moving. “You are beautiful. Thank you for this gift, for trusting me so much.”
Clinging to him she nodded, unable to speak. And she knew everything was going to be all right. For he was her Sir.
Mmm… What do you think? What I realized in talking with John Patrick is that I have a weight hanging around my neck. I’m pushing him to see what he’s made of. While I know some of my behavior is unconsciously done, I can certainly see it after the fact. Now, I’m learning to trust me and in doing so, what John Patrick and I are sharing is…awesome.
Kisses and spanks