It’s funny how my writing goes and how it’s influenced by outside sources. You’ve heard many a comment about my experience with D/s – limited that it is. I was talking with John Patrick and telling him about a series of D/s blogs I started writing over two years ago now. They were popular and really helped me get into the characters – Jessie and Luke from my On Becoming His collection. I’m still waiting to finish the third in the series and it’s for a variety of reasons including time to get other books back up on the shelves. But I admit. I think the delay will help make the pieces more emotional – which they should be. In learning more about D/s and the incredible journey, I respect everything tremendously what couples go through with every step, every junction.
I’m formally titling this blog series Honor and Obey – with each story being about something our heroine is giving, offering or suggesting. I learned something very valuable this weekend too. Emotions can be raw in going through the different twists and turns in the journey. Every aspect regarding these emotions are bridged, fused, meshed together in a conjoined mess at times. Love, honor, respect, trust, worry, fear – everything is right there and nerves are raw. BUT – that’s what has to happen when you go through the journey – one that never ends. I sent John Patrick a few of the earlier blogs. I’m curious as to his perspective of the girl then versus the girl now. I’ve changed. I feel I’ve grown, turned my inward thoughts into words on paper as well as allowed the woman inside to change and morph, grow in many ways.
Finding the right person, in my case the right Dom is the key – but only a portion. You have to want and need. You have to trust yourself inside and you have to let go of some of your fears in order to learn the craft, accept and embrace giving up control. Yes, even with someone as nurturing as John Patrick I’m struggling. He is strong when he needs to be and gentle in his guidance always. Still, I think perhaps I’ve taken advantage of our incredible passion, allowing the OTHER WOMAN out a bit too often. It’s a delicate balancing act and I’m learning. I broke the single cardinal rule not once or twice, but after a serious discussion I broke it again – all about safety too. Then I didn’t tell him when I should have. UGH. Well today I learned what my punishment will be and I can tell you I’m shaking all over – not from fear he’ll hurt me but from the realization I disrespected him. And yes, I will be punished severely as I should be. The emotions right now are powerful and stilling. I use the term a lot but the man just stills me.
I’m continuing the flash – Her Request. I know opening up the emotions the older couple has truly resonated with both John Patrick and I, as well as with readers. I hope that this series, which I will turn into a book collection, truly shows regular people who make the conscious decision to move into D/s. What I can tell you is – the undertaking is amazing. I hope you enjoy the story…
Chris was stunned. He wanted to say he was surprised at her outburst but the truth was he’d felt in his gut it was only a matter of time before she’d had enough. Enough of nothing. Enough of boredom. Enough of him. Tears continued to stream down his face as he looked into her eyes and for the first time in so damn long he noticed how utterly beautiful she was. Why hadn’t he paid attention to her, given her what she needed? How had so many years gone by, years of boredom and everything being just…so? He wanted to cling to her, to wrap his arms around her, pull her against him, protecting as he told her everything was going to be all right. Sadly, he knew better. Nothing was ever going to be all right with them again. One thing he knew about her, her resolve and her determination, once a decision was made she was moving on. But he had to try. “Can we talk?”
“What’s there to talk about? We’re two different people.” Stephanie said. Her entire body was quivering, her hand aimlessly brushing through her hair.
He could tell how much distress she was in and he decided he had to try and comfort her. Funny how his feet refused to move. What the hell was wrong with him? Eyeing the drink in his hand he growled as he thought about the simple question she’d asked. If only he’d suggested going out, taking her to an incredible dinner. Maybe then she’d… Oh who was he kidding? Their marriage had been over years before. The bandaid was about kids and the job, keeping the house and being comfortable in their surroundings. There hadn’t been love or passion, desire or even basic friendship for as long as he could remember. They’d grown apart in all things including music, food, friends, family and pretty much everything in between. “Yes, we are, but we were attracted to each other for a reason.” He could tell she was studying his face, perhaps trying to look into his soul. Right now he wasn’t certain he had one.
“Yeah, we were.”
“You’re not attracted to me any longer?”
“It’s not a matter of attraction. You’re a good looking man.” Her face was sheepish, a slight crimson easing up her long neck to her carved cheeks. Turning to face him she looked up and down the length of his body.
God the woman was hot. From the way her full breasts eased into a slender waist, her rounded hips and long legs, she was every man’s fantasy. He was a dumb fuck for refusing to see, for allowing anything to interfere. He was guilty as charged. “And you look exactly the same as you did when I first met you. I’ll never forget that day, especially the way you chastised me.”
Stephanie blushed then laughed, her eyes flashing for a second. She seemed to collect herself and gave him a cold look. “That was then, Chris. What’s happened over the last ten plus years is just too much to get past. I tried to give you hints that I was changing, that we had to change. You being the stubborn man you are, you refused every hint, every blatant telling.”
“When and what did you tell me?”
“See? That’s exactly what I’m talking about! I tried to tell you I was a different woman with completely different needs than when you married me. I attempted to let you in on some dark secrets, longings about the woman buried deep inside.” She tapped her chest and tipped her head back in defiance. “I tried to help you understand I needed more from me as well as from our marriage. I also did everything I could to guide you to the fact I was losing my fucking mind!”
He had no idea what to say, no real understanding of what she was trying to tell him now and couldn’t even remember any discussion they’d had about her needs, her… Her desires. You’re a fucking asshole.
Her face full of disgust she shook her head and turned around, grabbing and jerking open the door. “Un-fucking believable.”
Chris opened his mouth to say something, to try and stop her. A slice of anger crept up from his toes along with bile in his throat. The arguments they’d had, especially since the kids were out of the house, had been very quiet. No nasty words were spewed or threats made, but everything was cold and calculated. He’d shut down on her emotionally as well as physically. For a few seconds he thought about the last few years, trying to roll the months by like a moving picture show. He needed something to help him figure out what the hell she was trying to say. A different woman? Okay, so she’d been a wild child in the beginning, able to party all night and work hard all day. She’d been mouthy and very opinionated, still was. Her mouth used to get them into all kinds of serious arguments. Back in his youth he called her on them, told her in no uncertain terms he wouldn’t accept the ridiculous behavior.
Chris smiled as he leaned against the railing. Obey him she refused. He had to laugh. The woman was a ball of fire, a pit bull with anything and anyone she didn’t agree with. In truth, he’d fallen in love with that woman. Something happened along the way. She simply stopped being as gregarious, as ballsy. She’d become…complacent just has he had, just as their marriage had become. What a crock of shit.
Stephanie needed him and he needed to be able to be a better listener. Maybe if he could help her find herself then he could save their marriage. Maybe. The huge question mark was real and for the first time he was utterly terrified. He grabbed the glass and moved toward the back door, fear creeping into every cell in his body. Courage. You have to have courage.
A nervous tick appeared in the corner of his mouth and he decided that he was going to do everything he could to at minimum let her know anything she wanted to tell him he’d encourage and listen to. Listen. The lost art. Yeah, you’re a huge fucking asshole.
Sucking in his breath he opened the door, his heart racing to the point he really wasn’t hearing anything but the thumping echoes racing into his ears. As he opened the door he licked his dry lips and was grateful to see she hadn’t bolted away, out of the house and his life forever.
She was standing in the kitchen, a full glass of wine in front of her. Her hands were on the counter, her head down. And she was weeping.
“I’m sorry I haven’t given you what you need or allowed you to share with me who you are now. For that I’ll never forgive myself.” She didn’t move, didn’t flinch at all, but somehow he could tell she was listening. Chris moved further inside but kept his distance, easing the glass on the kitchen table and shoving his hands in his pockets. “I do love you. I want you to know that. I don’t want a divorce and I am going to do everything in my power to try and convince you to stay, but I do want you happy. The only thing I’ve ever wanted in my life is to give you everything you needed to make you happy.” He hoped the intro would be enough but after a full two minutes he realized this was too little too late. “I’ll leave you alone. I hope when you’re ready to talk you’ll at least allow me to hear you, to listen to everything and anything you want to tell me.” Please talk to me. Please. She didn’t budge, didn’t even issue breath sounds. “Okay.” He swallowed hard and walked toward the door, his legs having trouble moving.
“I’m dead inside.”
The simple words stunned him. “What?”
“I’m fucking miserable and dead inside. I have nothing left but a shell.”
“Don’t. Just don’t. Okay?” He voice was full of anguish. Stephanie groaned as a deep sob escaped her lips. “I need something else. I need to have something that I…that I can’t…give…myself,” she breathed between sobs. “I have to…trust me to…be able to…trust you.”
His heart was breaking. “Tell me what you need. Tell me what and I’ll find it, help you in any way I can. I swear to God.”
“I can’t even…explain.”
“Try baby. Try.” Another minute moved into two and he was shaking, his breathing ragged. He hated seeing her like this, the wretched pain so obvious and something he had to have ignored for so damn long. He turned and watched her grappling with her emotions, admiring the strength in the woman, the way she handled herself. There were so many things to admire, so much to love and he’d… No. He had to be strong for her as well as patient.
She sobbed and wiped her eyes, laughed and sobbed again. Neither her face or body moved to face him but the words were clear. “I need you but different. I need to be different. I need a different life.”
“What kind of life?”
“One that’s structured. One that is…” Laughing, she grabbed her wine and gulped. “A long time ago you wouldn’t have allowed me to mouth off like that to you. You would have reminded me I couldn’t behave that way. Now you just walk the fuck away.”
He opened his eyes wide. What in the hell could she need that was setting her off balance this much? Her words were right. Her behavior was… My God. This was interesting. He longed for a full drink and a slap in the head. “Anything you tell me is fine. I hope you know that. There isn’t a single thing that’s going to throw me or set me off. Okay? I can promise that.”
As if debating, Stephanie tossed her head back and forth then took another gulp of her wine. Very slowly she set the glass down and turned to face him, taking two steps. She kept one hand gripping the counter and the other fluttered over her neck. While she looked stoic, her eyes highlighted terror. “I need more rules.”
“Rules?” Her voice was clipped. He tried to read her face.
She nodded. “I need you to be the head.”
He had no idea what she was talking about. “The head?”
Another nod was followed by a look away and a deep breath. “Have you ever heard of domestic discipline?” Now her voice was barely audible.
He racked his brain trying to think. “I’ve heard the term. Is this something about BDSM?”
“No, not really. But it is about following rules. And about punishment when they aren’t followed.” Her eyes were lighting up, her face full of…
My God. What was she saying? “You want me to…punish you?”
“Yes. I want to honor and obey you in all things. I want to submit to you completely and I know that sounds odd but I need…I…” Stephanie blinked as she blurted out the words. “I need this.”
Shocked, Chris had no idea how to say anything to her but he could tell she was serious. “If this is what you need then I’ll learn.” Now he was utterly and positively terrified.
Hmmm… What do you think? If your spouse came to you and said this is what he or she needed, could you? More importantly would you?
Kisses and spanks…