For the record, love and relationships are difficult. Difficult? Who am I kidding? They can be and often times turn into a pain in the ass. Yep I said it. Whether man and woman or a same sex relationship, the simple fact is love can suck. Why? We’re complex and generally highly opinionated people and I personally think we all learned to hide behind a mask, one that after several years or even decades finally begins to suffocate us. Life tends to intervene and we are no longer the person we either used to be or thought we could be.
Have you ever wanted to have a ‘do over’ in life? You know what I’m talking about. Whether you feel like you made the worst decision of your life or you simply wish you had another opportunity to explore, I think we’ve all said that once or twice. With regard to relationships, no matter what ANYBODY thinks, we do learn through trial and error. What we thought we wanted in our twenties or even thirties is a far cry from what we realize we want now. Hmmm… But do you have the strength to actually admit to yourself what you want, what you have to have in your life? That’s a tough call for most of us. Actually being honest with you and you alone is a often times incomprehensible as well as an eye opening experiencing. We’re all so wrapped up in what we think our lives should be I honestly believe the majority of us forget what’s really important.
John Patrick and I were talking today about our continued surprise that we are connecting so well on this D/s level. What we talked about three months ago is completely different than our discussions of today. Of course there’s much more trust and openness and our communication levels are heightened. We are already different people, perhaps hungrier in admitting our needs. We talked today about my blog – this one in particular – in which a couple so used to a VERY vanilla life was completely at an end. There is no doubt this couple is headed for a divorce. In thinking about writing this and in my discussions with John Patrick, we commented on how so many couples just lose touch with who they are. Society is partially to blame for this as well as our basic upbringing. People do grow apart but often times I think couples get together for all the wrong reasons. They think they want, then they end up settling.
For example – men were taught never to hit a woman. Discipline isn’t abuse. BDSM isn’t about abuse. What John Patrick and I agree on is that if you’ve never experienced a moment of the lifestyle there is no way you can understand this. Just how would you explain to your vanilla friends you received a hard spanking last night and that’s why you’re wiggling in your seat? Few would understand or ‘get it’. Still, if you haven’t jumped out of a plane, how would you know what the experience would be like emotionally? Hmmm… My personal opinion is that many men and women believe in the natural order. That simply means that men are programmed to be in charge and women as submissives. All you hyper equality folks – don’t shoot me. I didn’t come to this decision either over night or light heartedly.
Sometimes saving a relationship takes extraordinary measures. Sadly I think many a man and woman refuses to face what might have been inside of them their entire lives. They refuse to accept they aren’t who their parents/friends/neighbors/pastor/husband/wife believe they are. In fact, they’re a polar opposite of the person they portray. The conflict allows complete unhappiness to settle in. After all, your true self WILL come out – one way or another. The seeping and oozing your soul will do will undermine all you have in your life. When you blink and find out one day you hate everything around you and have no idea why, well… Ask yourself hard questions about your relationships. My guess is they all failed and truthfully because you were trying to be something you were never intended to be. In other words you lied to yourself, accepting what society said had to be.
For the lucky few – we finally embrace the inner being, but not without soul searching, tears, terror, understanding then finally admittance. When this happens? Powerful emotions embroil every sense, every part of your soul. Trust me. I just had this happen recently. Changing your life to include D/s or DD or any variation thereof is scary – going out on a precipice but something that for me is the change that I should have embraced years ago. The decision just may be the best one of your life. Now back to the story.
Stephanie tossed the grocery bags down on the counter and laughed as two apples careened out of the bag, hitting the floor with a hard thud. “So much for perfect.” Much like she’d been thinking about herself since spending way too much time in a store catering to women with perfect bodies and a tight asses. She had neither. She hugged the pink and red bag to her chest, brushing her hand across the slick exterior, and allowed a single smile. A lie she couldn’t utter. The afternoon of frivolous shopping was one of the best slips of freedom she’d had in… This time the laugh was laced with a bitter tone. Too long.
Chris never challenged her on purchases, probably because she made few frivolous ones. The kids had always needed something from school supplies and clothes to pocket money for having fun with their friends. Friends. Something she and Chris had few of as well. They simply had become enshrouded in living the life of misguided parents, working hard to put a roof over their heads. They were lucky in that they had invested wisely, saving money as needed, but vacations and even holiday weekends had all been geared around the children. How horrible the concept left a very bitter taste in her mouth.
Sighing, Stephanie set the Victoria’s Secret bag down almost lovingly. For a few seconds she felt giddy, thrilled with the purchases as well as the very wicked feeling of being a different woman. A shuddering thought jolted through her. For a few seconds, a mere smidge of time she was that girl, the one she’d been in her early twenties. Where had the happy and wild child gone? Oh yeah. She’d gotten married and shortly thereafter started a family.
Guilt rushed through Stephanie hitting the pit of her stomach and a wave of nausea wafted over her. What in the hell was wrong with her? She loved her kids and the life she’d chosen and there had been wonderful years and… And no passion. Well, at least not in a solid twenty years. Sniffing, she feathered her fingers over the bright pink tissue paper peeking out of the top of the bag. The credit card hit was going to surprise Chris, but what the hell. She deserved, right? She worked long hours, barely taking time off. She made a damn good salary. Yep. After taking a step back from the bag, then floating back and forth from foot to foot, she rolled her eyes and glanced at the clock on the microwave. There was time to enjoy, play a little before Chris came home.
A quick glance at the groceries reminded her she needed to get the chicken into the fridge. But…first things first. After snagging the apples and choosing not to toss them like softballs, she moved toward the small iPod stereo system nestled near the thirty-two inch television encompassing pretty much the entire end of one counter. They were a connected family. Four televisions, five computers, two iPads, two iPods, three iPhones and a partridge in a pair tree. Yep for two people. Gluttonous they’d become. Still, as she turned on the music, her music, she grinned as slice of peace washed down the length of her body. Turning the volume to a nearly deaf tone level, she imaged seeing a Nickelback concert.
The need for courage overtook her and she jerked the chicken out of the bag, tossing the entire package into the meat drawer and eyed the open bottle of red wine, positioned just so on the counter. A glass wasn’t going to hurt. Two would even be better.
A tall stem pulled from the counter, a full glass poured, and she was ready to face her purchases. Swaying her hips back and forth Stephanie glided toward the kitchen table, fingering one solid red stripe as she took a sip of wine. After a second then third sip she was unable to hold back any longer. Her wine firmly planted in one hand, she used the other to pull out the goodies, unfolding the tissue paper as if unwrapping the finest chocolate or terribly expensive silk dress.
The tiny red thong followed by the matching purple and hot pink came into view first. Underwire bras were laid next to their matching counterparts. “Mmmm… Perfect.” She had to wonder whether Chris would approve. Swallowing hard she blinked the second she realized she really did want him to still think of her as beautiful, irresistible. She hadn’t felt this way in so damn long. Another round of courage and she was ready to unveil more yummy pieces.
The slinky teddy, emerald green and shimmering from an iridescent hue, made her mouth water. The companion kimono robe she wanted to slip into. A bedraggled giggle pushed past her lips, surprising the hell out of her. She moved onto the last piece, one that she would most likely never have the courage to wear. Her fingers were shaking as she touched the lace, the scintillating satin trim, and for a few seconds she tried to envision herself in the luxurious piece. The sales girl, one who looked like she’d never eaten a slice of cake in her life, had assured her the corset would look good on her.
Stephanie made mental note to hire a hit man if the bratty-mouthed bitch was wrong. Another gulp helped. No, one after that made everything better. She eased the glass down and grabbed the gorgeous lingerie with both hands. Why did the damn thing seem about twenty-five sizes smaller than in the store. After holding the piece to her chest she tipped her head back and groaned, quickly slipping the corset into the bottom of the bag. There was no way in hell she was EVER going to wear the slinky bit of lace and…and silk and underwire and sexy and… “No freaking way.” She’d take it back. Sure. Tomorrow. And pigs will fly.
A quick smile was all she could muster. She eased back from the loot and took mental note of how much she’d spent. Oh what the fuck. She was an adult after all. For a few seconds she thought about why she’d even blurted out what she wanted. A spanking? Hell yeah. Another giggle surfaced. Yes, she wanted a hard spanking, craved being taken over Chris’ knee and had for just about five years – give or take but who the hell was counting? Life and good ole father time. The rat ass bastard was probably already calculating the years she had left on this earth, preparing for the very moment she was set a fire for cremation. Okay, so morbid didn’t look good on her.
A slight refill would help. She stood gazing out the kitchen window, wondering what in the hell Chris had to be thinking. There could be some chance he’d simply come home from work, grab a tote bag shoved full of clothes and toiletries, and head to his buddy’s house for respite. Yeah, there was that absolute possibility. Would he think badly of her? Would he pretty much figure she was a blazin’ loony tunes? Now she was shivering all over. What was wrong with her? What in the hell had she thought she was doing?
Disgust rushed through every cell in her body. This wasn’t her. This wasn’t… For a few seconds she could swear there was a flash of light, a warming if not scalding light. The nudge was harsh and pointed. If she continued to lie to herself, let alone Chris, she was going to die without ever being happy. She had nothing to lose by talking to him – nothing at all. “You can do this. Nothing to lose.” Hearing her voice say the words out loud was… Terrifying. You have nothing to lose.
Except your marriage and perhaps your sanity.
Chris had waited on purpose until the employees had left, sending Shane off on a fairly bogus task so he could be alone for just a few minutes, half an hour tops. He just wanted the opportunity to think and try and figure out why he’d pretty much had a stick stuck up his ass for about a million years. After ten minutes of soul searching he’d been able to see countless times, months and years Stephanie had at least alluded to the fact she was unhappy. Time after time they’d argued, she’d pushed and he’d yelled and they’d gone back to a few loving moments. Then she stopped asking, or trying. After that so did he. They were simply roommates floating from day to day and for what reason? The bottom line answer scared the fucking hell out of him.
He was not old and not ready to die. He was going to figure this shit out. And so he sat behind the computer, the one that helped guide him through the toughest of business deals, and he had zero idea what he was supposed to think, let alone do. Stephanie was serious about leaving. That he knew. When she’d let out a tiny bit of what she wanted…no what she needed, he had nothing intelligent to say. How could he? He’d heard of domestic discipline, had a baseline concept she wanted to be spanked but for what? And he was supposed to hit a woman? Wasn’t that abuse?
Sweat rolled down both sides of his face. This was just so damn much to deal with. He sucked in his breath, closed his eyes and counted to ten. When his heart continued to race he counted to twenty. Then fifty. Okay this was stupid. “You’re a man. You’re a guy who runs a Fortune five hundred company and you’re stymied by doing some Internet searching? Okay the little voice didn’t have to kick in to say he wasn’t terrified of a metal and plastic piece with working parts. He was paralyzed with fear over the soul searching he was going to need to do. What if he was a complete failure at any aspect of what she needed? More sweat. Jesus, he was a freaking pig.
Chris rubbed his eyes and rolled his chair back and forth, the creaking sound of the wheels rolling over what had to be a paperclip, matching the clipped sounds of his heart. This was bad. Very bad. Get a grip and do this. Find out what she needs and try. The pep talk at least allowed him to look over at the computer, the floating beach screen saver. How he wished he were in some remote tropical location right about now. A very long exhale seemed to magically exhale from his lungs. He reached over and hit the button for Google, sniffing as he waited.
He moved closer to the desk and moved his fingers to the keyboard. They were shaking, pretty much like the rest of him. The term ‘pansy-ass’ came to mind. Nodding, he wiped his mouth, positioned his hand again and typed in the words.
Then he sat back and waited.
Hmmm… Pretty powerful stuff. Can you just imagine your spouse coming to you with a request like this? I don’t know but I think we’d all have some self doubting going on. I hope you enjoyed.
Kisses and spanks…
LINKS TO LAST SUBMITTING TO A SPANKING…HIS BELT