The phrase ‘honor and obey’ certainly provokes amazing thoughts in some people and for others the roll of the eyes is the first aspect of a solid HELL NO. The phrase obey of course has been taken out of the marriage vows given the state of equality within a relationship. Well, in a D/s relationship the single concept is something both the submissive and the Dom truly live and breathe – obedience is a vital aspect of the lifestyle. For the vanilla couple – the mere notion of ‘obey’ can create vile and very conflicted emotions within women. Why do I say conflicted? Because I have talked to enough women who are gravitating toward having a male controlled lifestyle, even in small increments and various methods of discipline are becoming popular. They crave something more structured. Women are finding what they thought they needed in relationships just doesn’t work and hasn’t for a long time – if ever. And so they are VERY unhappy. In order to try and figure out what they need (even though my belief is the understanding has been in them since the conception of their understanding about love) we as women have to be completely honest with ourselves. The soul searching moment is…UGH.
Finding truth. Think of the words. They’re simple and yet so telling, aren’t they? When you think of honoring your spouse, what do you think of? For many of us the thought is very personal. For those of us involved in a D/s relationship, the words have a very special meaning. John Patrick and I were having one of our intense and very open conversations today and the subject came up. I’ve never been able to open up so honestly, without any fear of saying what I’m thinking and feeling in my life. Sharing this joy has been inspirational to my writing as well as to my soul. What do I mean by finding truth?
The very first step for many who long to be involved in the D/s lifestyle is self-awareness that we’re just a bit different. We don’t find the basic vanilla relationship as fulfilling as our family, neighbors and friends do, at least by what they’re telling us. In fact, for many of us a traditional relationship or marriage has been met with angst and a whole lot of failures. When do you finally say enough is enough? That’s a tough cookie to crumble. Embracing the realization of why our relationships have failed, what we long for and truly feel like we can’t tell anyone, and the very moment we’re ready to become and accept the true person we are – is powerful. John Patrick and I use the term powerful often. We’ve never had difficulty communicating at all and being very open and honest? That’s been such a joy, but I told him today, allowing a certain side of me – a locked box of fear and anxiety, was finally opened, waiting for additional steps in our journey. That takes a whole lot of trust.
The truth is, I’ve experienced a mere taste of the lifestyle before but the very second I let go, allowing the person inside to learn all my hopes and fears, I felt betrayed. I don’t need to go into specifics. The fact is the mere notion crushed my desire. For women of any age, try and imagine one married for perhaps more years than they were single, accepting who they really are is traumatic and terrifying. For those who can – the beginning of a brand new journey in life, one I can’t begin to explain, is eye opening as well as amazing. Just imagine…
Now back to our story and I so hope the couple resonates with you. They are anyday couple in anywhere USA. They long for love and pray for something passionate and very special. Can you see yourself embracing something so out of your comfort zone?
“Fuck me.” Chris jerked the steering wheel, barely able to avoid hitting the guardrail. “Goddamn it.” He blinked several times as he overcorrected, then was forced to yank the wheel again. He tires squawked as he ran off the road, a rush of adrenaline sweeping through every cell in his body. “Shit!” What the hell was he doing? The seat belt was digging into his chest and for a few seconds he had trouble breathing. “Whew…”
Another round of horn blasts whooshed past him. Exhaling slowly, he slowed down and realized the rain was coming down in sheets. He placed both hands on the wheel, gripping the leather tightly. Where had the daylight and sunny weather gone? His heart was racing and he wasn’t entirely certain because of the near accident. You can’t do this. You aren’t capable and… A crack of lightning jerked him back to reality.
Panting, he wiped sweat from his brow with a shaky hand before scanning outside the windshield. Vehicles whizzed by, their lights becoming blinding. He stayed in the far right lane, creeping along as he tried to refocus. At least he realized he was on the highway. “Where the hell am I?” Oh yeah. He’d left his office a solid three hours late, the storm already brewing in the distance. Within a few minutes of being on the road the skies had opened up. All the while he couldn’t force the information he’d found on the Internet out of his mind. The term ‘failure’ remained in the forefront.
He continued down the darkened road, calming his nerves. Within seconds he was finally able to realize he was just an exit from away from the one he took every day, the one leading to his house and the woman he so adored. The very one who wanted to divorce him. A nervous laugh escaped his lips as the memories of the various sites he’d visited rushed through his mind. They would remain planted in his tissue, licking at his senses in a way he hadn’t anticipated, nor was he certain he could explain his almost immediate draw. Domestic discipline, being head of household, doling out corporal punishment wasn’t something couples talked about. This wasn’t water cooler fodder and there certainly wasn’t any night of friendly conversation with the neighbors at Applebees that he knew of. Yet given everything he’d read on the numerous blogs, the lifestyle was gaining in popularity. Why? Well, he’d read enough of those involved and their thoughts, their realizations, but he had his own innate understanding. The ‘natural order’ were the words often used. Man was supposed to be in charge, women more submissive in nature. The thought was totally against what society believed. “Mmm… This is nuts.” No matter if he said the words, the moment he’d read the full definition he was drawn in, wanting to know everything.
“Okay. You don’t know shit about this.” True, but he had to know more. Licking his lips, Chris fiddled with the radio as the first sign for the exit came into view. A quiet realization his right leg was shaking was suddenly as enticing as the involuntary movement was terrifying.
As Bon Jovi’s “Its My Life” kicked into the second chorus he rolled his eyes, but the words were almost an anthem to him. How many times had he sung at the top of his lungs wishing to take his life back? Snorting, he realized he hadn’t told Stephanie how much he loved to sing, or how much music soothed him, gave him a moment of near divine intervention. The realization struck him hard. They’d grown completely and utterly apart. “Jesus.”
When had they lost touch? How had they stopped caring and playing together? Why? Where had he gone so wrong? Why hadn’t he tried any harder? There were zero good answers. He glanced up, his eyes opening wide. “Shit!” Ready to miss the exit he hit his brakes and roared down the off ramp.
By the time he made it to the bottom avoiding three cars as he gunned through the yellow light, he was laughing so hard tears were forming in his eyes. He’d totally lost his cool over what? Was the concept of spanking a woman, or disciplining her if necessary that out of norm? Or was the mere notion he was supposed to be the big ‘he man’, the one who made all the decisions and of course all of then right, pushing his boundaries? The single shiver skating down his back was the hard kicking answer. So he was beyond being out of his comfort zone. At this point he figured he was heading into shut down mode.
Slapping his hand on the leather wheel, he tilted his head back, belting out the song. “It’s my life, it’s now or never. I ain’t gonna live forever. I just gotta live without a lie. It’s…my…life.” The words had never seemed so damn true in his life. He sucked in his breath and snapped off the radio. Right now he needed a moment of quiet time, perhaps a continued fastidious look inside his soul for what had to be the first time in his life. The questions he’d asked himself at the office had turned into volumes.
As he turned down the last street he thought about what he was going to say to Stephanie, how honest he was going to be with her. A strangled cry erupted from his mouth. How could he be honest with her when he hadn’t been truthful with himself in years, decades, hell maybe his entire life? She deserved better than him. No. No! NO!
The closer he came to the house the stronger his resolve became. All he could do was try, talk with her. Saving his marriage was important to him, of course. But the truth was giving her a man who listened, who cared enough to open up to her, was even more vital. Whether or not she was going to be his wife any longer was secondary to caring for her, giving her desires his full attention. The thought was startling.
Chris was humming by the time he pulled into the driveway, trying to be reticent as the garage door opened. He wasn’t a patient man by nature, but he was a planner, his desire to control everything around him evidenced by his penchant for perfection, his intolerance for anything less than awe-inspiring. As he turned off the engine and waited until the door was shut, he had to face the fact he’d always craved domination, absolute power without any allowance for second chances. No. His employees knew he was a hard man. Maybe too hard.
Seeing her car was still here, she hadn’t run away or left him just yet, filled his heart with joy. Maybe there was a chance. Just maybe. He dropped his head and realized a single tear was slipping from his eye. Lies. That’s what he lived and had become a master of them. What a crock of shit.
He’d never once in his life allowed Stephanie to see this controlling side of him for fear she’d leave him, that she’d run far away terrified of the man she married. If only he’d been honest with her. Yeah, if only. Being able to grab his leather case and coat was a feat tonight. His feet were as heavy as his heart and moving toward the garage door was tough. By the time he entered the house he was exhausted.
Closing the door softly he stood in the alcove just off the kitchen listening for any signs of her presence. Almost every time he entered the house he could hear music playing. She loathed television, couldn’t stand what she called stupid comedies. Her heart was full of passion for life in aspects he hadn’t taken to time to care about. Today there was nothing but silence. He managed to ease his briefcase and coat on one of the chairs. A quick glance told him she’d been drinking, as evidenced by the empty bottle of wine located near the sink and the one that had to be missing two glasses positioned closer to the fridge. He couldn’t say he blamed her for indulging. Right now he could use a tall stiff one.
Chris walked out of the kitchen and could see a light coming from the bedroom. After taking a single step he stopped and pressed the back of his hand over his mouth, apprehension off the charts. This was one of the worst moments of his life. Get your ass in there and talk to her, tell her you love her and want to try. Tell her she’s the most important woman in your life, the only person you love more than life itself. Tell her you fucking dumbass. A single wry grin was short lived.
The moment he stepped into the doorway he had to fight to keep his eyes open and a series of moans from escaping his lips. Dear God she deserved a strong man at least. Pushing back his shoulders he walked into the room. The sight of the most gorgeous creature in the world faced him. Dressed in an incredible red corset, her long blond hair crinkled in ringlets nestled around her shimmering face, she was the epitome of sexy.
Stephanie stiffened slightly when he entered, her eyes darting back and forth. She said nothing at first, but her eyes were full of trepidation, as if he’d push her aside once again. Sitting on her knees, she moved just enough every curve of her voluptuous body was showcased, as if she were posing for a high fashion magazine.
Chris hadn’t realized he was holding his breath until his rapidly beating pulse echoed into his ears. He’d forgotten how beautiful she was, how elegant her features and dazzling her skin. She was by far the most beautiful woman he’d ever laid eyes on. And he was just a fucking asshole. Swallowing hard he took another step toward her. “Hi.”
“I’m sorry. I should have called.”
“Yes, you should have.” Stephanie gave him a slight smile.
Chris tugged at his tie. “I was reading. I was…I was trying to figure out why I’m such a jerk.” He could see a crooking smile on the corner of her mouth. After dropping the restraining silk he shoved his hands in his pockets, noticing the two glasses of wine on the nightstand. “I’m sorry I was late.”
“That’s okay. We needed some time to think.”
“Yes, we did.” Why couldn’t he find the right words, the ones to start the very overdue conversation? After a few seconds he shook his head. “I was trying to learn more about domestic discipline and I just…I just…”
“Hate it. I was almost certain you would.” Looking away her voice cracked.
“No. No! I don’t hate it at all. I don’t know much about the lifestyle. I just read about what domestic discipline means this afternoon and God knows I certainly won’t try to speak to what you need, but I can tell you I’m intrigued.” Now, he was rambling. Shit.
Stephanie lifted her head. “Honestly?”
“Honestly.” He smiled and walked toward the nightstand. When he was certain she wasn’t going to bolt he reached for the glasses. “I want to know more. I need to learn about what you want, but more importantly I just want to get to know you again. If you’ll let me.” There was a moment of silence as he handed her a glass. The simple nod she gave him was encouragement enough.
Blinking, she took a sip of her wine and lowered her head, her other hand fiddling with the satin string barely holding the bodice of her corset together. “Yes.”
“Good.” He eased down on the bed, keeping his distance. Clearing his throat, this time he closed his eyes. “I have to apologize to you for a hell of a lot of things. And I…” God, this was tough. The afternoon of soul searching had led to what he hoped would be a less traumatic moment of opening up to her, something he rarely did. What he realized just then was he’d been shadowboxing his alter ego for his entire life.
“And?” Her tone was hopeful, full of love.
How could she love him? “And, I need…” Tell her. Just say the words. “I need to tell you about the man you don’t know, the one who’s been living a lie.” For some reason he expected to hear a cackling laugh or a sound of admonishment and disgust, but she remained quiet. The second he felt her hand cupping his jaw, her thumb brushing back and forth across his skin, he began to shake. “I love you. Oh my God I love you. Don’t leave me. We can get through this together. Together.”
Stephanie sighed, a tear slipping past her lashes.
Whew… I have to say hearing what he’s thinking, learning his fears makes this so much sweeter. I’m already rooting for them. I hope you enjoyed.
Kisses and spanks…