Whack! Now did that garner your attention? Mmm… Have you ever asked anyone for a spanking? I recently have and knew in my mind and soul I needed one, but I can tell you issuing the words was very tough. I’m not the kind of woman who gives into anything easily. John Patrick, to his credit, is very nurturing and knows what I want, what I need. I am slowly giving over the reins. No, not kicking and screaming but in a way I realize he truly knows what’s best for me. He realizes that he can help in times of stress and “correct” the misunderstandings we have. I’ve learned to trust implicitly and the joy in the realization floors me every day. But asking for a spanking is…whew. This concept is another blog in itself, but certainly a part of admitting the need on longing for an alternative lifestyle.
I would ordinarily be done with my little flash on this story but for some reason this one seems to resonate much more with the readers. Perhaps because we’ve all gone through some fairly difficult times in at least one relationship. In truth it doesn’t matter what age you are when you’re experiencing such difficulties, hurt flows all the way around. Yesterday was a little bit of a melancholy day for me – some personal reasons – and I can tell you that writing does help exorcise (notice the spelling) some inner demons. Btw – this would be a time I would ask for a stress reliever spanking if I could. Really works. What I know is that we all have something we hide inside from our friends and our spouse. Early in our lives, when we find what we think is the perfect person, we tend to mesh into what they want and who they are. That just happens. It’s as natural as having a relationship. We suddenly like the music they do or don’t mind when they leave crap out on the counter. Then real life settles in and these things annoy the piss out of us. These are minor, but imagine if you disagree on sex or methods of control or finances or… You get the point. The little things become part of the larger issue.
What also happens is that for the majority of us we realize much later we were idiots. We gave in. We settled – and that’s not just a settling for the person we’re with but more about settling within US. We say – it’s okay. This is what I need to do. This is how I need to be. For some this works. For others, it’s only a matter of time like a ticking bomb. We unravel, we hunger, we wish, we think about the past and all the do over’s. We just do. DO OVER. Doesn’t that little phrase excite you? What if you had a second chance? What if you could have the life you were meant to live? Hmmmm… Daunting? Hell yes. Possible? Of course. Are we caught up in life? You bet. So we survive… And we deal… And we settle… But we also know what we want.
In being able to admit your hunger for a more structured relationship, either domestic discipline or perhaps a D/s relationship (Domination and submission) often the padlock is shattered. For many who finally are able to embrace who and what they are, what they need and want, the moment – that very first moment they find someone they can honestly share this with and trust – is life altering. Yes, it’s that powerful. Then what? That’s the question and when you realize how involved the question is, well… For many this leaves us with being completely unsure of what to do, what to say, worries about what might be wrong or if we’re crazy or… There are so many fears, so many raw emotions and for many of us, we think about our thoughts, perhaps those decisions, over and over again.
Being able to have a do-over is incredible and few embrace the opportunity. Facing our fears and certain aspects about us, our needs and wants, is truly breathtaking, but where do you go to ask questions or try and learn where to go? In D/s relationships there are people who are happy to help, pleased to give advice. John Patrick and I are doing just this. We’re asking questions, turning to people who’ve been in the lifestyle for years, and we’re seeking advice. So far others have asked more questions than they’ve given thoughts or comments. Perhaps they are trying to see if we’re compatible. Perhaps. We know the answer but we are both going into this with an open mind, knowing this is a long-term journey. Remember I’ve said many times this is a journey? Never forget that. There will be twists and turns, amazing moments and tears – I’ve cried many. But the joy and the knowing you are doing the right thing, accepting the person you are inside – wow. For those of us going through this terrifying period of time – you have to admit to yourself you WILL have. Then the rest is… A journey.
When you’re lucky enough to find a person to share this with and one you trust and adore – another wow. Don’t you think? So my advice, you can find and you can share your live with the person you probably were supposed to in the first place. If you just take the chance. Our couple is doing just that. And they are both petrified. This will be the last of the flash series for Her Request and you bet I’m making this one a longer story. I adore these two – they are so raw and so real. I guess just like John Patrick and I – ready for more in life. As I said, John Patrick knows me well and he gives me the power to let the inner girl go, the one who was so unsure of allowing another to take control. Please know in our journey there are still worries and fears, trials and realizations we can’t have everything just so – but we’re enjoying the ride, learning and baiting the future. I hope you can as well.
Rediscovery. The word had been in Stephanie’s mind for so long. Dreams at night had turned into daydreams, the kind that had begun to hinder her concentration, stymy even the simplest decision making she was required to do. Days and nights filtered together in her wild myriad of thoughts and fears. She’d never been terrified of anything in her life. To be frightened of her own desires, a growing bank of needs she could no longer deny left her emotions raw, her heart crushed. Chris knew nothing about what she longed for, what she could no longer live without.
“Tell me what you’re thinking. Please,” Chris whispered.
I need a spanking. I need a spanking. For a few seconds she almost blurted out the words. But this wasn’t about a spanking. Was it? No, this was much more. Still, she wanted nothing more than for him to take her over his knees on a regular basis, give her the discipline and structure she’d needed her entire married life, perhaps her whole life. All her attributes were now jaded, all her bitchiness right at the surface. If only he’d see she longed to be taken in hand, required to follow rules and held accountable. Sighing, she fidgeted, something she knew he hated.
“Stephanie? Don’t shut me out. Please,” Chris breathed, studying her body movements, a look of discord on his face.
She couldn’t help but notice his hands were shaking and as he brought the wine glass to his lips, he had difficulty not tipping the edge toward him. Beads of merlots shifted dangerously close to the edge. For some reason she could only concentrate on his crisp white shirt, the one he insisted on having her take to the dry cleaners. The thought was oddly comforting.
He remained quiet but cleared his throat, a slight smile listing in the corner of his mouth.
Shifting, she moved toward the foot of the bed and further away from him, but not to get away from him. The outfit was uncomfortable, especially given she hadn’t adorned anything similar in so many years. She’d stood in front of the mirror for a solid fifteen minutes, one hand gripping the counter to keep from ripping the tiny thing off her body. “I’m just thinking…” The words died off. What in the hell was she supposed to say? Hiding behind the wine she finally took a sip, thankful she’d had several glasses before. For courage. Right. She had none. For some reason she noticed how his legs were dangling off the bed, his right leg kicking against the bedframe. He was as nervous as she was.
Chris opened his mouth once, then twice and looked away. “I know this is something you’re afraid of and talking to me is not what you want to do, but I’m going to ask you to do just that. I need you to know I love you and whether or not that matters, I just…” A groan escaped past his lips.
Stephanie cringed hearing the fear in his voice. She’d never heard anything akin to apprehension in anything her husband said or did. He was a dynamic and complex man, one who refused to succumb to the pressures of any aspect of work or life. Chris was also the strongest man she knew, both in body and spirit. “It’s okay. I’m lost right now. Maybe tonight we shouldn’t talk.” When he didn’t say anything for a few minutes she started to get off the bed.
“No!” His booming voice seemed to startle him. “Please stay. Please hear me. Let me say a few things and if you still want to go, that’s fine. In fact I’ll go and sleep in the spare bedroom so you can get some sleep. I mean…” Chris took a gulp of his wine and lowered his head. He moved the glass back and forth from one hand to the other. After exhaling he clucked his jaw. “I want you to be able to trust me, to be able to tell me anything. I want you to feel safe in sharing with me why you need this and what I can do to try and give you everything that you’ve thought about. I do. I want you to know that. And yes, I have absolutely no idea what the hell I’m doing, but I want to learn. I will learn. Yes, I will. Okay?”
“Okay.” Her heart was racing. A few tense seconds ticked by. “What…what were you going to tell me?”
“Huh?” Chris looked, his eyes brimming with tears. “Me?”
“You said you um had to admit something.”
“Oh. Yeah. I…” Sniffing, he wiped his nose and mouth with the back of his hand. A slight laugh oozed up from his throat and the noise seemed to startle him.
Stephanie eased down on her backside and crossed her legs, grabbing the edge of the comforter and covering her left knee. She sighed as a chill raced down her back.
“You know how you think I tell me I’m always so calm with my employees, giving and nurturing?”
She craned her neck. What did he just say? This was about as far off of something she thought he’d say as just about anything. “Yeah. They adore you.”
This time the laugh was husky. “No. That would be a negative. The majority of them tolerate me while a good few honestly hate me. In fact, my bet is a few of them have thoughts of digging a knife into my back. Yep. Me. The big man. I’m a flaming asshole.”
He darted a look in her direction and smiled. “I’m too aggressive and dominating. I control every aspect of what they do when they do and there isn’t a moment that I find their work exceptional, only marginal. I am just about the worst President of a company there could be. I’m quite frankly lucky I’ve kept any employee for longer than two months. My second in command, you remember Jim smith?”
“Umm… Yeah, of course.” Her mind was reeling. “Jim’s been to our house only about fifty times.” This was…
He took a swig of his wine and shook his head back and forth. “Yeah. It’s all true. Jim told me the other day I needed to back off or he was quitting. He said I needed to get a fucking hobby.” His laugh was bitter. “No, I need to get an attitude adjustment.”
Stephanie bit her lower lip and watched the wild range of emotions on his face. This was no doubt the most truthful statement he’d made in a hell of a long time. “Okay. You’re dominating.” Really? Chris?
“I know, crazy right? You’re trying to find a man who isn’t a fucking lump of nothing to be strong for you, guide you, nurture you and provide encouragement and all you get is this…this… Oh fuck me.” His hand was squeezing way too tightly around the glass.
Stephanie opened her mouth to help him, say something that would calm him and all she could do was watch the way he rocked back and forth. Okay. Breathe and you can do this. “Well, maybe you’ve needed to be in charge at home.” The words rung in the air. For a minute he didn’t react and she thought he was going to laugh.
Chris tilted his head and gave her a single look. “I was thinking that after reading some blogs. I couldn’t help but notice the other guys, I mean you know the few who had written some words, from the man’s perspective were um…” He laughed again. “Can you believe on top of everything I’m rambling?” He looked at his glass, holding the stem in the air, then hissed.
She watched as he drained the entire goblet, the sound of him gulping exaggerated. When he jerked up from the bed she reached out then jerked her hand back. When he didn’t look in her direction she shrunk back, a tear rolling down her cheek.
“Going to get the wine. You want more? Yes, we both need more.” He walked out of the bedroom without looking at her.
She opened her mouth and glanced around the room. Suddenly she felt very naked and very cold. “Jesus.” Everything was so quiet, except for the beating of her heart. He was a controlling man at work? Really? She was trying to see the way he might be, giving orders and completely pissing everyone off. Now a laugh bubbled to her lips. She bit back the sound and couldn’t help but smile. Her husband controlling. Dominating. Shivering, the thoughts about asking, no begging for a spanking rushed to the surface. Maybe this was a good place to start? Maybe you need a cat scan. More likely.
Chris popped back into the room. He was panting.
“Are you okay?”
“Fine. Just fine. I’m…fine.” He held up the bottle of wine. “We need this. I need this. Fuck. We all need this.” After topped her glass without asking he filled his and set the bottle down with a hard thump. He paced the room, moving back and forth. “Shit. I’m going to lose my employees, hell the business. What is wrong with me?”
She was drawn to the sound of the carpet crunching beneath his feet. “Chris. It’s okay. I like that you’re a strong man. I’m glad that you’re telling me. That took courage.”
“It did,” Stephanie whispered. “You’re a great man. Maybe you need to nurture your domination in other ways.”
“A great man? One you want to divorce and I have no clue about domination, just fucking taking over,” he said tersely. “That was shitty. I’m sorry. I honestly just wanted to come here and make sure you knew you could tell me anything and everything and I wouldn’t judge. I simply wanted to find the right words to say to give you the strength or the encouragement to talk to me. Why I would think you could after I haven’t given you any support is just ridiculous but I hoped. I hoped.”
Stephanie realized she’d been holding her breath. After exhaling she moved closer to the edge of the bed. “You did.”
The two words didn’t register for a full minute. When they did Chris turned quickly, a curious look on his face.
“I want to tell you about me.” She said the words slowly. “I need to tell you about the Stephanie you don’t know, the one who needs to come out.” Her voice was shaking. Jesus. She couldn’t even do this right. “I…I need to say that I want to…I want you to be…” So many fears, so much terror remained. She was horrified he would laugh, would leave, would run. But she had to tell him. She had to say the words.
Chris moved closer, a look of encouragement on his face.
“I need my husband, the man I fell in love with so long ago and the one I want to spend the rest of my life with to help me.”
She nodded. “Yes. I need you to…” A nervous laugh rushed from the very pit of her stomach. The words had never been said, never even been uttered, even in the privacy of her own space or her car. She’d never whispered them during one of her favorites songs or while shopping for groceries. But she’d thought about them constantly, dreamt of being able to say them to the man standing in front of her.
Chris nodded and inched even closer, his eyes forever moving, his face flushed. “Say what you need from me. Tell me. Give me one chance and if I can’t give you what you need I’ll understand why you walk out of our house and out of our lives. Please.”
Conviction rushed through her and she smiled as she rose to her feet. For some reason she felt so tiny around him, so small in stature, but she wasn’t afraid of what she knew to be a dominating man. Instead she was honored. “I want you to discipline me. I need you to…spank me.”
The words, the thoughts, the fear. Can you imagine saying them for the first time? I know how this feels and I can tell you after you bluster through getting them out, the feeling is amazing.
Kisses and spanks…
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