Today is a very sad day. I learned a valuable lesson about me and I don’t like what I learned. Patience. I seem to have zero in my body. I’ve often told people that I believe in reincarnation and I do very much. I can tell you about past lives that I’ve lived and the moments of death and being brought back. I can even give you every detail about the sights and smells, the weather and the people around me. I’m also an Empath and have certain precognitive abilities, although as we get older we seem to push them away. Still, I continue to see ghosts etc today and at times they are all around me. That being said, I know for certain I’m coming back every time to learn one thing – patience. Until I get it right…
In going through the journey of D/s, you’re going to learn many things both together as a couple and apart. You’ll have trials and tribulations, times when there are disconnects, and moments of self-doubt. That’s very normal. Every D/s or M/s couple will tell you this. You have to allow yourself to breathe, to remember that there are many steps along the way and some of them will make you stumble. I’d normally be moving on with my flash story today, one I love about the power of symbols. I was to the point of writing the story and I simply felt I needed to write this. I did something that was flat out wretched and I did so publicly. There are few rules I have and I broke just about every one of them. I honestly have never been so disappointed in something I’ve done. I just have no idea what to even say other than I was hurting and I acted out. That happens at times and will in both vanilla and D/s relationships. What I didn’t get until today is that it hurts a hell of a more on both sides. Everything I do reflects on both John Patrick and I – everything. From my writing to the people I interact with on social media sites or chat rooms, forums or meeting others. My behavior is judged and in a sense his ability as a Dom. And I fucked up bad.
What I can tell you about myself is that my brain never shuts down. I think all the D/s journey. When I finally accepted and embraced the way I feel, what I need, I was freed from certain chains, but that doesn’t mean I’ll be able to get everything right. At times I wonder if I get anything right. I also realized after a couple of years it takes a very special type of Dom to allow me to be able to submit – and you can ask John Patrick – I don’t do it very well all the time. I’m learning. I’m growing. I’m reaching out to others. We’re talking to couples. But I still find the “other” personality right there at the forefront.
What does that mean? It means I have fears and foibles. I have difficulty being patient with what I want and in being this way often times I express things perhaps in a manner that comes across in a different manner than they are meant. You know the world we live in today. We text and email, we use social media with instant messaging instead of phones. I can type about a bazillion words a minute and that drives John Patrick crazy. We’ve all taken offense to emails when my guess is the writer had no intention of trying to piss you off. But it happens. John Patrick calls some of our texting a ‘train wreck’ because I might be five sentences ahead and he’s still trying to answer my first question.
No laughing – happens all the time. When you mix having to text with being emotional about anything – well… All I can say is UGH. I am in that place this morning. The ‘ugh’ is bringing tears to my eyes and I can’t seem to stop them. I managed to piss John Patrick off in what I will guess about ten ways. There is no excuse that I’ll give. There is none that is acceptable. Yes, real life can interfere and times for me as a woman, a businesswoman, and as an author have been difficult lately. We all go through periods that life just sucks. I can tell you that John Patrick is just about the most supportive person – not just a man – that I’ve ever met. He’s loving and kind, takes the time to make certain I’m safe and hates to see me cry.
After a very difficult day for reasons I won’t get into – I became the impetuous child we all hate to have around us. What did I lose first? My patience. I want. I need. I have to have. I long for. I crave. I refuse to take no for an answer. You know the drill. And at the end of this rather bizarre exchange was John Patrick – ever caring, always kind and no doubt surprised I’d shifted to this level. Again. No excuses. None. I fucked up. I had hoped of course he’d realize I had a bad day but he’s silent. He is well aware with my lack of patience silence is perhaps the most disconcerting thing for a woman like me.
I thinking about D/s, I had to remind myself that there will be stumbling blocks, whether because of life (work, family, friends, money) getting in the way or personal fears. He and I have learned so much, have grown so close yet there are still fears on both sides. There’s the fear of the unknown, of caring too much, of doing or saying thewrong thing, of not having, not being good enough, not knowing what to do, not being supportive enough and… WHEW. Breathe. No one is perfect. That’s what I have to remind myself today. As much adoration and devotion as I feel to him, I know I have a LONG way to go in learning to be a good – not even great – but good submissive. And I hate that about myself. And so I worry he’ll never forgive me, but what’s worse, I’ll never forgive myself. There isn’t a worse pain. He could beat me for hours and I wouldn’t hurt anymore than I am.
What happened around my impetuous behavior created what I consider a very high form of disrespect. For that alone I am in tears from my own level of disappointment. I’ve heard other couples talk about this, about how much even the mere concept of disappointment hurts, but I didn’t get it. Until today. There is little I can do to atone in truth. I think I lost a lot of his respect and I have no doubt he’s questioning certain aspects and I don’t blame him. And yes, as he said he’s livid. There is nothing worse than knowing I hurt him on several levels. Nothing.
In knowing this and realizing I can fall flat, absolutely break down like a ridiculous child, I can only learn and grow. Yep, he’s right. I threw a temper tantrum. I have a myriad of reasons why – but again no excuses.
I hope he’ll forgive me, although I sense a level of disappointment that will not soon leave. Forgiving myself will be tough. No, I’m not perfect or even close. The realization is stilling. I’ve never seen him angry and he is. We all learn – sometimes the hard way. For me? As he came on part way through me writing this and what I can tell you is I’ve never been this disappointed in myself before. Never. There is little I can do to fix, only learn, try harder. But yes, we all fuck up – doesn’t matter in vanilla relationships or D/s. And right now I can’t think any longer. This is all on me. I did this. And there is nothing worse than knowing and owning up to my level of disrespect.
Signing off now and pondering why I’m such a screw up.