Why do I say submission is the ultimate level of trust? Because you’re giving your very soul, heart, body, safety, obedience, acquiescence, as well as the complete realization that you are placing your entire well being into your Dom’s hands. Talk about trust. Imagine for just a minute the power the Dom has. He controls. He makes the rules. He issues mandates. He punishes. He…worries if he’d doing the right thing. Now can you imagine how the Dom must feel? He has to trust in that you’re telling him everything, confiding into him all your worries and concerns, inhibitions and hard limits, joys and hot buttons. I think that entire concept is a hell of a lot more formidable than anyone realizes. He is trusting in you to show him the inner creature you are – no holes barred. You are giving him the key to your soul.
The word trust gets thrown around a hell of a lot. We trust in our family and friends. We trust that laws are going to keep us safe. We trust in the systems at work. Or do we? Times are tough as hell right now and there are few people I’ve talked to who aren’t touched by the horrific economy, divorce, being laid off, money crunches, house trouble – there are so many aspects of unhappiness that for most people, trust is a tough call. Within a D/s relationship, the ‘T’ word is used a hell of a lot. I’ve written blogs about trust and talked to others on FetLife and Facebook about how must trust is needed in order to completely give of yourself to another.
I honestly didn’t have a single clue about what I was talking about until John Patrick and I began our journey. Why do I say that? Because you can ‘think’ you know and almost feel the way the gripping emotion, but until you experience all the highs and lows, there is no way to completely understand the complexity of this level of trust. No way. This is all consuming. For couples just moving into a D/s relationship, this trust will be pushed against hard at times. The concept will be shattered, pulled together, stitched, mended and cursed at a million times.
I’ve been hit with my own personal doubts about trust several times. AND hear me when I say, the majority of the questions arise from my past, my worries, my insecurities and my basic buck-wild fears I’m just not good enough. These raging feelings, dark terrors are evident in vanilla relationships but I can tell you they are manifested ten fold in a D/s lifestyle. Why? Because you’re both sharing the level of deep seeded thoughts, loves, hates and emotions that go WAY beyond the normal relationship. You have to. You simply must follow a path of opening Pandora’s Box, or you really won’t be able to embrace the kind of heightened trust you have to have in order to…
Well, I digress. Every D/s couple is different but for me, sharing all my secrets, all the ugly little parts about myself, my personality, my past, my body, my soul – is enlightening for me as well as for John Patrick. And GOD is it a freak out event at times. You bet I’m an emotional girl at times. As he reminds me every day, hearing about my past only strengthens his understanding of me and yes, this knowledge does indeed play a role in his nurturing, training and discipline of me. If you haven’t gone through this, or experienced any aspect of a controlling lifestyle, then you’re probably confused. In a simplistic way of saying – the more John Patrick knows about every nuance of the woman beneath the various masks, the better his training and the more powerful of a Dom he’s going to be. By the way, he worries about his ability a lot.
And the same goes for what I learn about him. When he lets go of something from his past, either good or bad, but a moment in time that truly enveloped the very essence of the man – then I feel more comfortable innately. Submitting becomes a lot easier. The ‘why’ is simplistic. He’s allowing me to see his vulnerable side – his underbelly. He and I have talked for hours, sharing aspects of our lives we’ve never told anyone. Some of them probably would seem inconsequential, but for he and I, the little tidbits, the joyous words and the way in which he says them to me allows a glimpse of the man inside.
No matter what you think about a D/s couple – we’re all people first. You’ve heard me say this. We live vanilla lives to some degree. We work and play, have families and worry about money. We get fired, acquire new jobs, cook out on the grill and gush over compliments. On the flip side we cry, frustrate, scream in anger, love being close to someone who cares about us and daydream about a better opportunity. In other words – we’re all the same. For those of us in a D/s lifestyle, we simply want a deeper connection.
I learn more about John Patrick every day, including the fact he has several sides – distinct but extremely complimentary. And believe me, I appreciate all of them. Yes, he has quirks. He has this particular desire for women to be women in that they dress, smell, adorn and act like a woman. He likes matching panties and bras. He requires nails to be done. He has an affinity for high heels. In other words he prefers women to actually appear to be a woman – a sexy one. You might roll your eyes but for those of you who actually know the real girl – that turns me the hell on. For me, I prefer men who are real men – they sweat and bleed, grunt and cuss and they smell like a man. They act like a rugged guy. They take command of a room, allowing other to know very quietly how powerful they are.
Mmm…. I’m tingling all over given this pretty well describes John Patrick. AND…oh yes he’s coming into his own about how dominating he is. But this didn’t happen over night, nor did our trust of each other. There are always challenges. There are men who want me and he has issued a mandate any new guys (not from my past or business. He’s not without the understanding I will have male interactions) but the ones who just want to have their way – not so much. They must go through him. I know he’s attracting more submissives on Fetlife simply by the provocative pictures he’s posting. He receives comments and emails from several and yes, he talks to them. I have to have an innate trust as he does. But you bet I worry. I am woman after all and there is NO doubt I’ll roar.
Again, these concerns are similar to vanilla but the difference is this – in order for me to completely let go, feel free to indulge in the levels of pleasure and very intense pain, I have to trust him without question. Yes, he will have his hands around my throat. Yes, John Patrick will tie me up and use various implements on me. Yes, there are other boundaries of methods of inflicting pain we will enter into, and bridge, and cross over. BUT…not without complete trust. There would be no way. As he and I move into yet more of our journey, the changes are happening overnight. The desires increasing, the needs moving to a boiling point. And yes, our trust still growing. Pretty powerful stuff.
He and I are now often asked advice. For both of us I know we can say, never stop communicating. You have to be TOTALLY honest – not just with your Dom or sub, but first and foremost with yourself. For if you don’t…you are doomed to fail.
My random thoughts for tonight. I’ll finish the flash story from a few days ago tomorrow. I just hade this on my mind. For those of you who also don’t know, I write poems about the lifestyle. I’ll leave you with a thought…
Kisses and spanks
I’d whispered the scattered words so many times
Yet today the indication meant so much more
The very notion of what I needed all mine
I’d longed for his strong hand endless nights
But on this day I was easily ready to submit
The complete realization his decisions were so right
I’d craved nothing more than to give him my very soul
Still from this day, nothing between us would ever be the same
I’d prayed for forgiveness, his domination freeing every inhibition
And after today I would forever be in his practiced hands
The unique love and patience developed providing hallowed absolution
He’d commanded during candid moments of shared passions between us
While those days my fear alone kept me from letting go
The complete decision now accepted simply because of trust
I repeated and smiled, seeing the change in his demeanor, the intense look in his eyes
Just today he accepted my gift, my total submission now and forever
The absolute justification of our calculated journey, now my honored ties