Devotion The word to me alone is quite powerful without adding any inflection, any indication of the varying degrees. When I thought of the word years ago, I’m not even certain I could have offered a decent explanation. Every dictionary meaning is true – no doubt, but for me, there was no concept of embracing the concept. Do I now? Very much so although the level will continue to change, morph as time goes on. For a woman who has lived a fairly vanilla and very balls to the walls kind of life – I say ‘fairly’ because I’ve always been a wild child and very uninhibited – devoting my body and soul to anyone is out of my normal realm.
I’m getting ready to publish the third in the On Becoming His Collection – On Becoming Her Sir – and I have to tell you this wonderful group of books has given me more joy than anything else I’ve written. There are various reasons including the fact some of my poems are nestled in the pages and because I was forced to bring my thoughts my needs regarding sharing a D/s lifestyle to the forefront. What I’ve realized is that I knew very little about myself or the lifestyle when I began to pen On Becoming His. Now years later I am finally seeing the true woman inside, the one buried beneath a mask for so long.
Yes, I have John Patrick to thank for much of his wondrous appreciation. Being devoted to someone isn’t an immediate aspect and I do believe some vanilla couples have devotion. I also believe D/s couples can have a stronger level. Why? As I’ve said before, both the Dom and the submissive are giving up their last and sometimes strangling inhibitions, opening a very private and terrifying big black box of worries and fears we’ve kept tucked away for so very long. I’m almost completely and totally open to John Patrick – he has the last key in his hand and I’ve shared this with him. He’s a planner, a careful man, and unleashing the final girl/beast/woman/submissive within me is what he believes to be a gift. My gift is giving all of me in utter devotion. Do I know exactly what I’m doing? Hell no. I’m still afraid I won’t please him, won’t be able to live up to his needs and standards, but he is caring and nurturing and certainly allows me my time to process – something very important to both of us.
As he and I continue in our journey, one that allows me to explore every dark side, the kinky hunger that embroils my senses, I’ve come to understand devotion much more. I want to give him so many things, please and serve him (yes I said the word ‘serve’) in every way. Will I be perfect? Hell no. Will I screw up? You bet. I’m a woman – prone to certain emotional drama – and one who continues to worry. But that’s all right. I’ve come to realize he does understand and is honored and overjoyed I want nothing more than to submit to him.
What I have learned also is how much the Dom worries and fears, frustrates and needs. As I continue to pen my Luke – my very special hero of On Becoming His – the emotion I’m placing in the story now has so many more elements. I hope you, my fabulous readers can see and experience the love and joy, the heartache and near tragedies of what I call the ultimate love story. How did I know the piece would chronicle such an amazing time in my life? This story isn’t about John Patrick and I, but the intensity and needs, the increasing desire – you bet.
What I hope you’ll gather as you read this story is that for this D/s couple – real and a product of my imagination – love and honesty + devotion. Yes – John Patrick and I are sharing this in a way I could never have imagined.
I’m giving you a taste of On Becoming His in hopes you’ll embrace a love story that has no bounds as the journey will never be complete. As with John Patrick and I – we are only just beginning.
ON BECOMING HIS
He is my lover
He is my friend
He is my Sir
Jezebel Waters, Jessie to all who knew her, sat at her kitchen table aimlessly swirling her finger around the edge of her wine glass. The words a mantra, she had been saying them over and over again for weeks. This wasn’t about convincing herself of anything. The words were frankly stated and utterly the truth, and in fact had allowed her soul to be freed completely for the first time in her life. The thought, even to her, seemed odd initially, but the moment she’d not only accepted the realization but also really worked through the why’s in her mind, the day had been one of the best in her life. And very freeing. Sadly, this was also a concept and a lifestyle she had no idea how to explain to others why she wanted something so different – no had to have the blissful change in her life. How the hell could she? After all, she was a strong woman in every term of the word. Jessie had it all. That’s what everyone told her. But the truth was, she’d been unhappy the majority of her adult life. At least the partial truth was her life was full of broken dreams and she wanted more – so much more.
Sighing, Jessie tried to simply hone in on the intense rock music blasting from the CD player and groaned. What she needed was something softer, given the mood she was in. Rising to her feet, she slowly walked into the living room and flipped through her eclectic selection of music, finally selecting her favorite Spanish guitarist. The moment the sultry sounds filtered into the air, she exhaled slowly. Nodding, she folded her arms and walked back to retrieve her wine, her nerves frazzled.
Why the hell she was so antsy wasn’t really wasn’t the question. She knew why. After all, she’d fallen hard for a man who continued to take her breath away. Taking a sip of wine, she licked the rim and thought about him. Luke Brennan was everything she’d ever wanted in a lover and mate. From his rugged features and deep chocolate skin to his soulful eyes and quiet demeanor, he was without a doubt the most intriguing man she’d ever met. He was also a practiced Dom but hadn’t had a sub in many years, almost a decade. The thought giving her a shudder, she moved toward the window, staring out at the afternoon sky.
Palming the glass, she slumped against the window frame as a tremor of fear skated down her spine. This was the perfect relationship for her and one she’d only come to understand and appreciate recently. Well, that wasn’t entirely true. Hissing, she took a gulp of her wine and closed her eyes. The absolute truth was that she had thought about entering into a D/s situation on more than one occasion, even going so far as to do hours, days worth of research on the Internet and she couldn’t deny she was utterly and completely terrified. You want to submit. You crave everything about the lifestyle and the man. Granted, the words were very true and she continued to repeat them over and over to herself like a mantra – and she had several she’d practiced time and time again.
Laughing, Jessie licked her lips as her heart raced. How many nights had she lain awake doing nothing but thinking about this? How many times had she opened her mouth simply to say the words out loud and couldn’t do it? “You’re terrified. Admit it.” Yes, she was. Trust. That was part of the reason and she couldn’t deny she’d never met a man she could trust, not only with her brutal admittance but also with the concept of turning over every aspect of her normal, daily routine to. After all, her previous boyfriends and fiancés were not only fairly conservative with regard to their life both in and out of the bedroom, but they would have thought she was a complete freak if she ever told them about her desires.
Yes, I long to be your submissive and to have you own me, tell me what to do and I want to be required to follow rules. I want to be collared and disciplined as necessary. I crave being your submissive sexually and in our everyday life, allowing you anything and everything you want. Sighing, just thinking the words gave her chills. This wasn’t the kind of admission you told anyone. Period. And she hadn’t, realizing her friends and family would think she was out of her mind. Then she met Luke and suddenly everything seemed possible.
Nibbling her bottom lip, Jessie had finally figured out her longing began in her early twenties, but back then she had no idea what she thought she wanted nor was the concept of entering into a D/s relationship even talked about in society very much. It was an ugly, dark and very secretive desire – if people really had them. Jesus Christ, the thought of a man taking control of her life would have been scandalous fader to the point her girlfriends at the time would have had her committed. And so Jessie followed the path of least resistance, entering into very vanilla relationships time and time again. That is after a bad girl period in which one too many dangerous men had taken her on a path of near destruction. Shuddering, she could see how ridiculous her risky behavior had been but at the time she thought she was having fun, not soul searching for some perfect mate.
Then she’d given up completely on finding the right “him”. Instead, a guy she could care about and call a friend became her goal. Somehow the notion seemed so much better than fighting reality and the way everybody just grew up, or grew into a set pattern of life. Now Jessie wanted so much more. Thank God she’d met Luke. Still, she was apprehensive of how he would react as she continued to learn and explore. “Stop it!” No, she knew Luke cared about her tremendously and she’d often told him she trusted him implicitly. And she did. The thought gave her a warm feeling sweeping through her body.
As she lifted her glass, she realized her hand was shaking. Jessie couldn’t get her first meeting with Luke out of her mind. She’d been with a group of girlfriends at her favorite club and there was something so enigmatic about him when he’d walked in, she was left breathless. There wasn’t a man or woman in the darkened club who hadn’t known how powerful his prowess was, yet he carried himself in a distinguished fashion, observing the crowd with a slight smile on his face. Instantly attracted to him, she’d made no bones about the fact she’d love to meet the stunning black man. What had surprised her was the way a few of her friends had admonished her choice, reminding her interracial relationships were still difficult at best. Simply the single thought at the time had filled her with rage. What century were they in? Oh boy and what about the other? Her darker cravings? Shaking her head, Jessie laughed. Just what would the girls say if they knew she was considering entering into a D/s lifestyle with him?
Was she? “Fuck.” Moving away from the window, she grabbed the open bottle of cabernet, filling her glass as she thought about everything she and Luke had been talking about over the last weeks. There was something so powerful about his presence and the way he had almost instantly realized she was interested in something more than just a traditional relationship. Stopping short, she honestly couldn’t remember the first time they’d discussed the concept. Hmm… no, she remembered. The event had been a turning point. What she knew about his every day life she was more than impressed with. The other was simply icing.
I hope you enjoyed