Living Apart in a D/s Relationship…How Do You Grow?

How do you grow when you’re not sharing your life 24/7? How can you move forward in this beautiful journey when you can’t share every moment together? That’s the question both John Patrick and I are facing right now.

He’s is a constant reader, gleaning information and sucking up the yummy bits like a sponge. He reads articles and blogs, searches the Internet for pertinent items that will educate him/us in our amazing D/s journey. He’s a processor and planner. Gals – you know what that means – he absorbs everything he’s heard/seen/read Masking herand takes his time before either making a judgment, issuing rules, offering suggestions or inflicting punishment. For a woman who has pretty much zero patience, learning his processing abilities (and I do say the words with complete respect) has been an interesting variant for me. When he finds something he thinks particularly noteworthy he’ll show me, then generally ask my thoughts. We’ve had many an incredible discussion based on his finds.

One of our conversations moved to rituals and protocols. As he explained in his very methodical manner, ritual is something you do all the time. Protocol happens because of an occurrence. For example – a ritual would be every day your Sir/Master came home you’d have a particular method in which to greet him. You might be kneeling, sans clothing. A required protocol would be if you were attending an event and the respect you as the submissive would give others, and in D/s this would be generally be something entirely different than in a vanilla gathering.

During this conversation he directed me to several well-written blogs and I suggested several for him as well. I’ve read and learned about some aspects about both, that while on the surface seem simple and very rational, when stated in a certain manner seem fairly profound. As a woman – a powerful woman in business and in vanilla life – I tend to carry every conversation, push my boundaries and tease at will. When I meet with John Patrick, I also seem to carry on the playful mood, teasing and being very coy. As with any relationship, he and I agree that having frivolity is all about the passion we share, BUT… I also have come to realize that in greeting him as I would any other person in my life, I’m not respecting his position as my Dom. After reading quite a few blogs and articles I realize I need a ritual or two as a personal bridge – something to bring me into the rather peaceful being as a submissive. That’s tougher than you think and especially since we aren’t able to see each other every day.

This very understanding is the reason for this blog. John Patrick and I don’t live D/s 24/7, nor do we see a shift to this in the foreseeable future. What we’re both finding as we read and what I write about with pretty much ALL my erotic pieces, involve a couple – whether married or living together. What if you’re dating? What if he or you travel often? What if you live in different towns or states? There are so many scenarios in which you aren’t able to attend to each other in what might be looked at as the traditional methods of behavior and training. I’m not able to be waiting for him when he gets home in order to please Powerful Lovehim in all methods. Even if we were together as a live in situation, my schedule involves many nights. I’d read all kinds of wonderful things like bedtime rituals, receiving a spanking every morning so that the submissive’s place is firmly planted as a very first aspect of her day. I’ve read about the regular maintenance spankings that occur on particular days and times. All of these sound wonderful and I’d love for both of us to be completely immersed in a 24/7 situation even if this meant when the front door to your house is closed. I might be required to either lose all sense of the ‘day’ life including my keys, wallet, business clothes and briefcase, cell phone and even my clothes immediately in a live in ‘bridge’ into becoming the submissive as required. I can’t do that. He can’t do that. So what do you do to try and center and re-focus? What does John Patrick say or require of me in order for me to fall into my very peaceful respite? Yes, I am learning that shedding the authoritative prowess is freeing, allowing me to feel a wonderful moment of peace. I place an emphasis on the learning because habits can be difficult to break. When you’re used to being the center of attention, tough to show your Sir that he is in ways that don’t appear practiced or fake. Now, he and I realize a lot of this involves time and HE has the patience of a saint. I swear to God. Me, on the other hand, I continue to question how and what I can do to respect and serve him more, criticize within my own self why I continue to be disobedient and ponder just about every method I’ve read to affirm more of the submissive side that continues to grow every day.

I grabbed onto the bridge and mentioned this to John Patrick so we are actively seeking various methods and symbols, mantras even and practices, that might be beneficial when I meet/greet him, during texting and phone calls, and of course during play or physical times. Yes, they can all be different and in truth should be as far as I’m concerned. He can’t require me to drop to my knees in a public space – not gonna happen. But in private? Yes, he does and will perhaps or inspect every aspect of my body, or require I stand a certain way. The play/private time seems much easier for both ofready us to comprehend. Meeting in a public place, being around other vanilla people or coworkers is tough. Therein lies our quandary.

I love that John Patrick not only allows but also encourages me to ask questions, find information, make suggestions about almost anything. Yes, he had a method of stopping my constant chattering mouth – whether on text or the phone. And NO, I’m not a very obedient submissive during some of these aspects but I’m learning. I do think that I as a woman need a personal bridge to settle me, prepare me, remind me that I am his – I belong to a Sir and one who has needs that supersede my own. What do we do? Well, we have no solid answers yet, but the communication and the joy we’re finding in our search has brought us closer. He realized my need and his Dominant side said he wants to help provide this for me and for us. He also realized how serious I am about serving and learning more as well as continuing my growing level of respect. All of this is fascinating and tough for both of us.

What can you do with texting, phone conversations, occasional vanilla meetings while you’re still living a very vanilla life? Hmmm… Daunting proposition, don’t you think? Yes, but the realization we’re moving into a deeper level of our journey, one that adds excitement as well as questions is powerful. And trust me, our growing commitment is a wonderful place to be. I’ve asked John Patrick to share some of his thoughts and I think I’ll do a little blog series as well as beginning an Honor and Obey story about a couple who can’t be together but so often. I would love to hear your thoughts about this as well as any suggestions. For now…

Kisses and spanks


About Cassandre Dayne

Cassandre Dayne is the pseudo for the best selling author of romantic suspense and thrillers
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1 Response to Living Apart in a D/s Relationship…How Do You Grow?

  1. CrazyKinkyMommy says:

    When I first got with M he lived in a completely different state. The first 2 months of our relationship was done with text and webcam. So I understand what you are talking about.


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