Living Apart in a D/s Relationship…the Joy of Submitting

Submitting to another. The mere thought can bring about a myriad of thoughts, ideas, and worries as well as desires. In moving through this incredible journey, I realize more and more how breathtaking as well as daunting grappling with the various aspects can be. Every time John Patrick and I talk we realize there’s so much more to discuss, things to consider. What I’ve come to embrace is how much my needs have changed, much like his have as well. We’re evolving as a couple, A Dominanteven though we can’t be together as much as we’d like. This blog series is going to explore how we can connect together, grow in our journey of my submission, while maintaining our vanilla lives. It’s tougher to do than you think. We’re finding that the desire to share is pushing hard against the reality of our day-to-day situations. But – as he says – we’re ‘keeping it real’. Yeah, we have to but UGH. The words for the day coming from the big brained writer, as he calls me.

The conversations I have with John Patrick are inspirational, full of passion and verve and drive me into a point of deep consideration. Because we’re not living together or able to be a D/s couple 24/7, what we’re sharing we don’t take for granted and we can’t expect as perhaps other couples can do. That’s both a good and a bad situation. Bad? Because we aren’t able to share our joys every day and I can tell you that it’s frustrating for both of us. Good? I mentioned this today – we haven’t had to push our budding relationship. We are simply enjoying the time allotted, the moment shared. I will admit that we’re both ready to move to the next level and for us, this involves some additional rules, a bridge of rituals and some conversations on protocol.

Where we go from here is still jaded by the hindrance of time, but what we’re sharing, the joy in which we’re learning and growing – amazing. John Patrick mentioned the concept of a blog detailing a couple that aren’t able to be together every day. As I said before, we’re going to begin a journey of all the good, with nothing held back. To that end I asked if he would consider writing some thoughts for this blog and for future ones. You always hear from me, but I think hearing his view is something special. For me, this is a true gift and a joy. In an effort to make him feel at ease I asked him a couple of questions – just to get this started in hopes he’ll be very happy to contribute again.

We often don’t see a lot of the Dom’s POV and I think that hearing what they’re thinking, their worries and fears, angst and heightened levels of determination are something every woman can appreciate and learn from – and not only if you’re in a D/s relationship. His thoughts have pushed me into a deeper level of understanding his needs, his requirements – and they are becoming more Lower Your Headstringent, very detailed and his needs are VERY clear. I teased him this week mentioning that I am learning what he truly has to have and you’d be surprised. He is a man first, one I happen to adore, a Dom second. Or is it the other way around? Another good question I think I’ll ask him. For now, a couple of simple questions to introduce you to his style, his way of thinking, and his very detailed processes. Meet John Patrick…

What has moving into a D/s journey meant in the way of changing your views and desires within a relationship?

“I believe since a D/s requires total and complete communication, as a result, the relationship will be much deeper and stronger because it has to be. It is exploring areas that just are not talked about, much less practiced, in a vanilla type relationship. As more of those darker areas are discussed, opened up and explored, the desire grows to push the edges back even farther and find the limits of those areas. And as some are opened, others present themselves and desire may grow to explore those. The boundaries are greatly expanded within the D/s relationship compared to a strictly vanilla type.”

What are the frustrations and joys of a D/s lifestyle and how does not bring able to live the life 24/7 changed the development with what you’re sharing?

“The great joys of D/s are having the complete and honest open communication and gaining the total trust from someone to the point that they trust you with their very physical well being. On the flip side, having complete communication brings up some deep issues that can be very difficult to work through and at times very trying. Both sides also take on a greater measure of responsibility to fill their roles and give that to their partner, even when life is weighing hard.

Not everyone in a D/s relationship practices it 24/7, even couples that live together. But not having even physical contact has it’s own set of challenges. The major difficulty in not having at least daily physical contact in my opinion is maintaining that TPE dynamic and not letting the vanilla side of the relationship take over. There must be a balance. All couples will establish what that is. Then it must be maintained through means not including actually being in the same room. Very trying.”

What you’ll soon learn is that for John Patrick, every thought, every notion and every question is important enough to think about, ponder his personal why or how. His processes truly have given me pause, time to think about what I need and want as a woman as well as a submissive. I know that I’m much more at peace with the joy I share with, my increasing longing to submit to him in body and soul – serve his needs. Yes, I said it – serve his needs. All of the ways – I won’t know for some time yet.

I also asked if he could describe out relationship and the word or phrase that bestOnly My Hand described. Here’s what he came up with…

Sustaining – “Because of who you are you sustain me through your support and encouragement, your way of communicating ideas and suggestions, and your patience (yes, patience!) with me as I learn and find my way.”

He mentions patience because this is a true lesson for me to learn. I adore the way he questions, the comments and the growing need he has. I feel honored for him to think this way. And so he asked me in reverse the same question. My answer?

Completion – because as a man and as a Dom he allows me to express myself in ways I often feared with encouragement and love. His care and understanding that I am a woman first, a submissive a growing second, allows me the freedom to share every trepidation I harbor deep inside. He also gives me the nudge I need to continue my personal journey into darker explorations. For these and so many more reasons – he completes me.

Yes, we have a distance situation and we’re trying to cope with this, overcoming the angst that John Patrick mentions. What I realize more every day is how much I love this lifestyle, the growth we’ve already shared and the understanding we’re only going to continue to grow. What an amazing gift we’re sharing.

Kisses and spanks…


About Cassandre Dayne

Cassandre Dayne is the pseudo for the best selling author of romantic suspense and thrillers
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