UGH – I hate long distance. I hate not being able to simply wake up next to John Patrick and begin my day by pleasing him. The ultimate waking up is bringing him coffee and juice, kissing him awake gently before a long body massage. I’m very tall (so is John Patrick) so standing over him and being able to give him a long, hot, wet blow job is certainly a treat for both of us. A shower follows where I can scrub his body, washing every delicious inch of him. After this – well does it really matter? Doesn’t this sound incredible? And yes, if I could I’d do this every day. You bet I would.
Sadly we aren’t able to do this and even the times we spent together are limited, often moving into more of a D/s scenario is tough. You can’t meet for an hour or so and have a disciplined dominant scenario. This is just not possible or feasible. For me, moving back and forth from the powerful and assertive woman in my business world to his submissive is difficult and my mind has a tough time wrapping around the behavioral change. I’ve blogged a little about this before. We created certain ‘bridges’ so to speak to allow my mind to think about him as my Sir more easily. One is a necklace that is a day collar and honestly, when I do reach up and run my fingers over the cool metal I feel closer to him. The symbol reminds me I belong to him.
The others are certain behaviors. I always light his cigarette. I always call him Sir when I meet him no matter where we meet (been waning at this a bit lately, much to his chagrin). He can touch me anywhere on my body at any time. These are just a few but I can tell you that sometimes I need more.
He keeps telling me lately that my big brain is overthinking, overanalyzing too many things. He’s right (as he usually is) about this. I tend to do this when I feel a loss of control in other areas and my life – including business and the vanilla world I live in – have some pretty hefty complications. And so I resort to being a girl. Quite frankly, he likes me better when I have more of the testosterone in me – and yes I do LOL. I like more guy things, know about buildings and cars, toilets and redoing bathrooms including pretty much the ability to use every tool out there. I had a father that treated me more like a son than my two brothers so I’m a lucky girl that way. That’s what John Patrick admires. Don’t get me wrong, he of course enjoys the fact I wear slinky items from Victoria’s Secret as well, but I’m beginning to wonder about other aspects. He teases me calling me a girl.
See, there’s my big brain working overtime again. I think women have a particularly difficult time separating aspects of relationships and for me, add in that we have a strong vanilla love, D/s and a limited schedule and you bet I over think things. Men tend to compartmentalize, have a much better ability to separate. For me, the lack of patience and the fact I really do thrive on his discipline, which I can’t have all the time – well, can you see and feel my angst?
I also realized recently that our relationship had/has gone so high that there were feel higher places we could go lest we burst into flames. John Patrick said he felt like we’d reached a plateau and I hate that word. LOATHE the word. Plateau means you come back down, right? No, the truth is a plateau means you even out, take time to embrace as well as understand what you have then set new parameters, perhaps in our case rules. He’s completely aware I excel with discipline, and yes I do mean when he whips me on a regular basis. I don’t know why other than the pain allows me to concentrate on one thing only, thereby giving me the ability to totally focus right then and there. The effect lasts for a few days so that’s the true benefit. But when weeks go by? Tough for both of us.
I don’t know how many of you practice a little discipline in your relationships but you can’t just whip out a belt anywhere at any time. This isn’t feasible either. When you’re trying to maintain a certain presence in work and the vanilla life around you, getting caught ain’t on the docket. Right now it’s going to be several weeks – several LONG weeks – until he can take the time to discipline me again. And so I’m already suffering mentally.
I’m not certain if other methods of discipline would help in truth. Some self spank – eh, not for me. Some have other rules like he could tell me to not use the Internet after ten at night – but what good is that when our connection sometimes is ONLY about the Internet? So you see the quandary, the big brain theory. I think for John Patrick, and I do hope he’ll respond to this, he hates not being able to be the Dom I need all the time. He also hates he can’t protect me but so much in my vanilla world. Logistics is a fucking bitch just like karma is. We use the mantra we enjoy all of the very limited time we have together and trust me, we do, but for a chick needing discipline? This is merely another UGH measure.
Don’t get me wrong, I wouldn’t trade what we share for anything, but I need to grow again as a woman and as his submissive and I’m my own worst enemy. Being reflective can help but honestly, for me, I just need to pull my own reins and regroup. Tougher than you might think. He’s a patient man and a nurturing Dom but… Just some rambling thoughts this morning as I drink coffee, look out on a gray day and wish I could spend the day with him doing nothing or everything. Oh yes and a heady round of discipline would be involved!!
Kisses and spanks…