I know, I mentioned the last blog in the series was indeed the last, but a topic just burned to be discussed – anger and frustration. John Patrick and I discussed this just yesterday in some detail. Why? Well, we’ve all heard about what seems like the rash of football players lately and what is perceived to be abuse on their parts. From the now infamous elevator scene to the boy being spanked like the player was when he was a kid, the news is lit up with concerns and people calling for plans of action. While I do think there are substantial abuse cases throughout every walk of life, I often hear that D/s relationships also border on being an abusive relationship. Here to say – let’s get the facts straight. Yes, there are plenty of abusive relationships all over the place for various reasons – not ignoring or condoning. For the record – I ain’t in one.
The man I share an intelligent and very passionate relationship is perhaps the most controlled, loving individual I’ve ever met. He would never hit me in violence. Never. Sadly, there are some vanilla laced men as well as Dom’s who do – BUT they are not the norm in any relationship. At least I hope to hell not. The key is respect – of yourself as well as your partner. If you are in an abusive companionship of any kind, I encourage you to get help in any way you can. There. Said all the politically correct concepts. Now, let’s get down to the skinny on D/s, M/s and DD.
Trust. Love. Control. Submission. Respect. Acceptance. Communication. Trust. Honor. Obedience. Care. Honesty. Trust. Respect. These are all vital components of an alternative lifestyle, one in which there is one leader and one follower. Now, do you see two words that stand out above the others? I hope you do. If you don’t respect and trust both yourself and your partner, none of the alternative lifestyles will work. Why? You have to completely trust your partner with care and love, honesty and a hell of a lot of communication. For the submissive, he or she is placing her well being in a Dom including aspects of keeping her or him in line – as in discipline, i.e. something painful. Is this done in fits of anger, a nasty fight? Better not be.
We’ve all experienced a relationship or are currently in one. Whether you’re in a traditional vanilla style or any of the various alternative lifestyles, you’ve experienced bouts of frustration if not downright anger. Sharing and love is both wonderful and amazing, the emotions run high as lust and need soar. You can experience some of the most intense highs, times bordering on ecstasy. You can also experience the worst lows including moments of discord, frustration and heartache. When two people clash over any aspect of life from career to family and kinds, money to basic decisions about running the household, rifts can occur.
In a traditional coupling, one in which both man and woman (or same sex couples as well) are considered equals, often times there’s a push to take the lead. Of course being that there are two people involved with two conflicting sets of identities, passion, drive, verve, needs, each one can take a different path toward a possible solution. Hence the frustration with two leaders in the same group. The notion simply doesn’t work. There must be followers just as there have to be leaders. John Patrick mentioned this the other day. My personal opinion is that all this equality has led to many an unhappy union and a skyrocketing divorce rate.
Please don’t ever get me wrong, I will never condone any level of abuse, but there are women that pick a fight and escalate to hitting their spouse first. We’ve all heard of this and seen photos or newspaper articles. Is it right for a man to hit back when a woman starts the fight? Hell no. The honest truth is if couples resort to this at all, there’s something really broken in the relationship. John Patrick believes if the beast is let out once, bringing this level of nastiness to the surface is much easier the next time. I agree. I’m been down that road of either having an argument lead to a physical altercation or pretty much getting ready to draw my fist or worse.
As I mentioned to him yesterday, both of our personalities are very strong. If we were in a traditional relationship with him, I would PUSH those buttons I know are there at times. I would egg on an argument to try and make my point or I’d scream at the top of my lungs over something that has little meaning in life. That’s what we tend to do to merely be top dog. In a D/s, M/s or DD relationship, there is no allowance for this at all. Period. Is that to say anger and frustration don’t arise? Of course not, especially early on, but I know my place with John Patrick. Accepting that he is the leader/dominant in our relationship was part of our very first conversation. I am honored to belong to him, be in his care. And no, this has taken a hell of a lot of communication to break down my fears and inhibitions. Him too.
If you’ve followed any of my blogs over the last eight months you know he and I are on a journey and is our relationship perfect? Hell no. Our highs are incredibly high and our lows, troubling. BUT we talk all the time and the truth is that we respect each other and our respective positions immensely. I would no more raise my voice to him than anything. That’s being completely disrespectful. Have I slipped to a point? Yep, I’m human. Have I made him angry? To date he says no (although I think I came damn close a couple of times).
Have I disappointed and frustrated him? Yes and the disappointment he feels I really do have a difficult time with. The look in his eyes alone drives me crazy. While I’m human, my goal is to please and serve him, not disappoint. So my behavior patterns have changed over our months together and I feel for the better. However, I do misbehave or become disobedient at times. I forget my place and slide back into the vanilla laced girl, the one who has a mouth and a hell of a lot of attitude. So… when this level of behavior occurs he helps me re-focus. You’ve heard that word as well. What does this mean? Well, I receive a spanking and/or other another form of punishment.
On the subject of spanking – let’s be very clear on this – spanking has nothing to do with abuse and should not be performed during or out of anger. The times that John Patrick has spanked me he’s had a very calm head. He’s made certain I knew why I was being punished and exactly what I would receive. He’s only varied if I act out in the middle of the discipline. Does this sound like I’m being punished like a child? There is a tremendous difference in my opinion. This is a decision we both made, a determination to go into a relationship in which disagreements end with either a hard stop when he says or punishment for an infraction.
In discussing what John Patrick and I consider to be very positive aspects to spankings being used as a method of discipline, we both agree a heightened positive is that once the punishment is given the incident is over. There is no little red wagon, no harboring ill feelings on either side. The issue is simply dealt with and not mentioned again. Think about vanilla relationships. You argue and snip at each other. You nag your partner and if you’ve had a bad day, the nagging is going to be that much worse. The nagging usually turns into an argument that can get very heated, usually dragging in various aspects of other grumblings you may have had. If the situation is exacerbated by alcohol or another substance – the recipe is for acts of violence.
Our relationship allows for discussion of course, as any duo sharing a life should, but he is the ultimate control, the one who has the final say. I’ve accepted this – this is what I need in my life, as well as his firm hand. I know when he disciplines me he only wants the best for me and for us and while this notion might be difficult to wrap your head around, I think you can tell by the blogs I write, the stories I pen with respect and trust all over them, a D/s relationship can be the best of your life. Yes, I’ll be spanked for disobeying. Yes, I’ll cry from the pain but not because he beat me, punched, lashed out or otherwise used violence. No. Please remember the difference. Will he become frustrated with me as well as my actions in the future? You bet, but he knows know and will continue to learn control in his respect for me. Pretty damn powerful, don’t you think?
I hope you’ve enjoyed.
Kisses and spanks…