Do you think a man is born a Dom? Are his tendencies there from the beginning? Good questions I think. I’ve talked with John Patrick about his thoughts. I’m his first D/s relationship and while I’ve shared some aspect before, only to a small degree. We are sharing and growing together. He’s mentioned to me that now that he looks back on his life and various relationships, he knows what he was missing all along was being the controlling factor. He, like so many other men generally have an equal role with a female partner. His preference? Well of course being the dominant and he excels in his authority.
This is a new blog series and while I’ve talked about various aspects of discipline, I wanted to tackle certain subjects that can be very challenging for Dom/Domme’s. I think we hear a lot from the voice of a submissive, including myself, and often don’t hear the other side. I’m still new to the lifestyle, as is John Patrick, and we learn something every day as our journey continues. We are much more trusting as well as comfortable with each other, but we still have certain issues with regards to my behavior, his growing needs, training etc. This came about the other day when we were talking and while this isn’t a roadblock by any means, I had to take a step back and think about my personality with regards to how and when my actions affect or reflect on him.
Challenge. For many of us we challenge our spouse, our boss, our families, almost as an afterthought of merely breathing. I have the kind of personality that will forever push hard, sometime rage against the machine. I’ve been very assertive for the majority of my life. When people meet me or the ones who know me scratch their heads wondering how in the hell I can ever submit to anyone. I had a very interesting conversation with John Patrick in which he asked me why I pushed hard against my boundaries. I call the concept raging against the machine. You know what I mean – you simply refuse to accept any rules slapped in front of you so you use every ounce of YOU to shove away the notion.
Okay, that’s me. I am a very assertive chick, most would say bordering on aggressive. What I realized from his question is that I’m pushing against his rules and needs. Sometimes I don’t simply accept a direction or say ‘yes sir’ when I should. Does this take time to develop into a habit? Absolutely. He is the kind of man who refuses to tolerate drama for drama’s sake. Women are extremely good at creating and perpetuating drama in many flavors. We want the last word in an argument, we nag about a chore not being completed and frustrate over something that happened at work. Yes, I am a card carrying member of the drama club, at least to a degree. There are times I need to step back, breathe and simply say ‘yes sir’. That’s exactly what I’m supposed to do. Of course he allows me the opportunity to question at times, but not with every freaking direction.
He’s a very patient man, nurturing and loving while knowing I’m having a difficult time with certain aspects of my life. He listens, encourages me to talk to him about everything and yes, recognizes almost instantly when I need to be re-focused. If you’ve read any of these blogs you know that I completely stand by the fact spankings help me with re-focusing, as well as reminding me of my place as a submissive by defining our respective roles. We just can’t do this on a regular basis giving our limited time together. Right now (and you bet I’m counting) it’s been over five weeks since I’ve been disciplined. TOO LONG. I’m edgy as hell, teary eyed, argumentative and you bet I’m pushing back. UGH. The spankings are the perfect reminder.
He told me in no uncertain terms he knows I can maneuver myself around other men, getting what I want. Yes, he’s right. I couldn’t argue in the least (lest I get a spanking). He is straight forward, doesn’t like games and expects me to listen to him. He’s earned that respect at minimum. When I challenge his authority, he becomes much more frustrated than if I break an infraction.
What I find most interesting about being in a D/s relationship is that I honestly long to let go. When you trust someone implicitly the way I do John Patrick, the notion of turning over total control is attainable. I desire very much to do so, to spend my life pleasing and serving him. Some say that’s the nature of the concept for a strong woman, one who commands respect in whatever manner in her day life. I do. I’ve been told I can walk into a room and command respect or men who want more…
Would I really allow John Patrick full control, utter domination to make decisions, determines what will and won’t happen in our relationship and every day life? My short answer is yes. I trust him completely with knowing me, respecting my needs, and guiding me with pretty much everything. This question comes up with a girlfriend of mine often, one who is similar in nature as I am in my vanilla life. Her type ‘A’ personality doesn’t just push back, she shoves with enough force people are often put off by her attitude. Granted, I know the marshmallow girl inside, but she’s a tough cookie, believes me to be just like her. When I talk about spanking, she just shakes her head. She’s going through some tough times and when she does she becomes very edgy.
John Patrick and I have talked together and agreed, she’d do very well with a spanking. I’ve told her this more than once and usually she just grins. The last time she actually agreed. For her, she needs to be able to let go, to sob uncontrollably knowing she can completely trust a man to take care of her and her needs. She needs the sense of relief that only a good hard cry can give and she doesn’t like to cry, believes the emotion show weakness. Pain in the way of a spanking gives a woman (or a man for that matter) the excuse to completely let go.
When John Patrick asked me why I push so hard, was the reason that I wanted to see what he’d do or garner a particular reaction from him, I started to answer flippantly. Then I realized I wasn’t necessarily unlike a child longing for attention. Perhaps subconsciously I honestly do want to see what happens when I push him. Why? Because not being in a full time D/s relationship, at least not in the way of being together physically, his influence and domination does wane. What do I mean by this? I mean I can easily slip back into the vanilla girl.
I already tease him, sometimes in a way I don’t think he can follow easily on our texting marathons – a huge method of communication for us. With texting of course there is no inflection, no opportunity to see facial expressions or body language, so the black words can often be misconstrued. There have been times he and I experience what he calls a ‘texting train wreck’. We try NOT to talk about serious conversations, but at times we move right into something and I can type a hell of a lot faster. Hence the train wreck. Teasing is often missed.
He is completely aware I’m in need of more hands on control and that’s another challenge for both of us. Whether or not I simply need to be around him physically, eye contact and his expression or his stature, I’m not certain, but I thrive then. Being away and not having quality time pulls me back in the direction of vanilla land, thereby I push back. UGH. What can we do as a couple? First is recognize this is occurring and John Patrick needs to bring my attention to the fact I’m pushing back – which we both consider a form of disrespect. Then I learn from this and we move on. Will I receive a number of quality spankings the next time we are able? Yes, for various reasons and in truth, I’m more than ready. I need to let go myself, push aside my fears and frustrations and concentrate on our journey. Tough to do sometimes. What do you think? What are your challenges?
Kisses and spanks…
PS – Don’t forget I have several hot books on spanking – The Submitting to a Spanking collection and Honor and Obey. A new Honor and Obey coming in a few little days…
I’m in a long-distance as well. It’s extremely difficult, esp. because I have issues with jealousy (for which I have been severely reprimanded). I’m very opinionated by nature, I love to verbally spar, and he appreciates it when I challenge him as his mind is so rapier sharp he needs that.
However, I’m also very nurturing and serving, habit-wise, meaning I love to give my men gifts, cook for them, massage them, support them emotionally, but unfortunately, this becomes expected and gets taken advantage of. Oftentimes the other becomes used to being served, it becomes comfortable, and they end up taking it for granted.
Perhaps these have always been the wrong men? Maybe a mature, conscious, appreciative man wouldn’t do this?
A couple of thoughts here. I am get a little jealous because I worry, but what we have most in our relationship is trust along with our passion. So I let that go knowing he will tell me if he needs something else – including the possibility of a third. I am his submissive, therefore I enjoy serving him in various methods including cooking, massaging, etc. John Patrick is forever grateful and honored I’m giving him my gift of total submission and servitude. I do think maturity is needed. I know the majority of the men I’ve been involved with simply couldn’t handle this level of a relationship. John Patrick has to and does take his position as my Dom very seriously, always learning and talking, asking questions as he trains and nurtures as well as disciplines me. You need to look inside yourself and trust what you need first. Then you’ll be able to let go when you find the right Dom. Just my thought for you.
Thanks. I do enjoy your blog and your honest writings. Just curious–what signs are you and JP? You seem like an Aries and JP…maybe a Libra?
He is actually a Pisces and I’m a Leo and trust me – I am REALLY a Leo with just about every aspect from clothes to colors, personality to being wild. He tempers me with his personality which is why we work so well.