Discipline and Domination…Vanilla and Control

Ah the word vanilla. Try using that one in a relationship – especially D/s. What does that single word alone make you think of? For me it means traditional. I think of things like equal and family oriented, non kinky or perhaps boring. Now, to each their own but for me, I honestly am bored to death with the notion of a vanilla relationship. You know the one I mean. You meet, fall in love, have the obligatory two kinds and a golden retriever while you purchase the house in the burbs and purchase the updated version of a mini-van and a ‘luxury’ car both in steel grey or blue. The job is one you really don’t care about but it pays the bills. For a guy you maybe have a drink with your buddies and take in a Sunday football game before the rat race starts all over again.

For a chick, if you’re lucky enough to have girl time it’s not about anything but shopping, commiserating over your un-perfect relationship and maybe just maybe guy watching. Yeah, sounds like a groovy life to me. Okay, so what about laundry or car repairs, food shopping or cleaning the house? Stuff doesn’t get done by itself. Right? He and I frustrate together and separately about keeping the house clean, things neat and tidy. I’ve sat with him while he’s changed shocks on his truck and we’ve gone shopping for everything from pet food to fine wine. That’s just life. When does the vanilla world begin to take over a D/s relationship and how can you stop the slide into a life less ordinary? That’s the question that John Patrick has posed to me a few times. Why? Because as you move further into the lifestyle you’re tempering everything from your real life to emotions, urges and desires with what has to be every day reality. That’s a tough concept to vocalize to those not involved in some form of D/s, DD, M/s etc.

Control – there’s another word that comes into play as well. This one is perhaps easier to grasp onto when you think domination and submission, but what I know is the toughest thing for John Patrick to grapple with is the mixture of vanilla versus the control he desperately craves. This isn’t just about his control over me, but his need to control various aspects of his life including all the vanilla ones. He’s a very organized man and often the day-to-day drudgery about regular life bogs him down. I get it. Does me too. I’m sitting here writing this blog today listening to whatever radio station and hearing songs that remind me of all the special times we’ve shared and guess what – many of them have been nothing but vanilla.

What he needs is to see my reaction to his ‘normal’ then move into the world of control and submission as he requires. Sometimes I think he’s testing me and perhaps he is either consciously or subconsciously. I don’t likes tests but the truth is we both have to know how each other can move back and forth from D/s to vanilla and no matter what you read about or hear, the concept is tricky. I think personally even more than his sometimes difficulty dealing with my emotions or the fact I’m still a girl and not just a submissive, this is a very tough task for him to face.

John Patrick and I often muse over what so many people call normalcy in their relationship and I know he is as bored to death with the concept as I am. Yes, we all have to work in order to eat or have a house, but do we all have to follow a traditional mold, our lives becoming nothing more than plotting through one day after the next? There can’t always be excitement and I know John Patrick is worried I’ll see the ‘real’ him and his every day have to life and grow bored with him. This is where tempering and learning to enjoy every aspect of being together comes into play. He and I know our time together is precious and we do tend to make everything we do at least memorable. That’s not to say that both he and I don’t have responsibilities. Of course we do. We have separate lives including work etc. What both he and I have come to realize is that having vanilla portions of our relationship is just fine. The meshing is often the quandary.

The word vanilla alone in a D/s relationship certainly brings about many aspects of snarking. What exactly is snarking? Well it’s the snort concept of knowing so many ‘regular’ people have zero clue about what a D/s relationship involves. When I say regular I mean couples who stand on the basic tradition of an equal relationship, one that involves a lifestyle of equality in everything, including the bedroom. What I think few people realize is that no matter the concept or level of relationship, we’re all prone to resorting to our past – the way we were taught. From society to our parents we’re given examples of how relationships are supposed to be and for the most part we follow the path of least resistance. With D/s we both have to think about what we’re doing – not always – but at times to make certain we aren’t spiraling down into Never Never-land.

When you decide to enter into a D/s relationship you can’t chuck the rest of your world out the door. You’re required to live a fairly normal life, perhaps perform a certain way in front of family and friends. I’ve never been one to hide behind anything for any reason ever before. I’ve been a chick who in a sense raged against the machine. John Patrick and I talk about whether or not friends and family members could or would find out. The truth for me is that I don’t care. My entire family has known since I was a kid that I’m different. For John Patrick – he’s lived the normal life pretty much all of his fifty-five years. He’s hidden behind a mask that so many people do, especially men. He’s faked having the needs he does and still to date he can’t seem to grasp onto accepting what he requires for fulfillment.

We talk about the vanilla world, one in which both he and I hold onto what we think we know or want. I’m finding myself saddened a hell of a lot lately. I know why to some degree. I’m having difficulty with so many aspects of what we’re dealing with and the truth is I’m not sure he gets the various aspects of my mood changes. I’m changing as a woman as well as a submissive, but the reasons why are heartfelt. We have separate lives. We have different things to deal with – just like most people have to from time to time. For those in a long distance relationship or one that has other complications, just finding time to be and enjoy is tough. I honestly didn’t realize how important basic time to enjoy even the simplest of activities would be. Finding not only the time but also the effort in just being able to be with regards to each other is much tougher than you think.

I’m being challenged lately on so many levels, ones in truth are really pushing me hard. Yes, certain aspects of real life are so shoving their ugly faces right in the way. Yes, I’m having a really hard time dealing with the juggling balls and I have no doubt John Patrick is as well. In sharing time or longing to…we have to facilitate events as well as emotions and right now? I’m getting to a tired place, one of wanting what I see as so many have as normal. We don’t and what’s really sad is that I’m not certain we’re going to have it – EVER.

So you simply place the little concept into what we both also do pretty well – we compartmentalize. We push away the things we don’t want to talk about or deal with and enjoy the moment in time. Yes, I’m sighing and chuckling at the same time. What’s so wrong with having to place both arms, legs and often your entire body around what you hold as so precious? Nothing. We as humans seem to forget what is important because we’re too busy with our lives to stand back and breathe in. When you’re forced with limitations, some of which for both of us are gut wrenching, we realize more and more every moment we share just how precious what we have it. We have challenges as a couple, some I’m not certain we’ll over come but damn, I’m going to work to do just that as well as to not try to do anything but just let go and be. That’s freeing in just about every way.

What John Patrick has given me as a woman is that excuse or ability to let go, realize that for me, I will go through every challenge we have to face. I don’t care. He’s worth the struggle es and this new life we’re living very much worth ripping apart the mask of vanilla based bullshit. Finding the balance is the phase we’re in right now. Control of both is necessary for him and I can see him changing, morphing every time we’re together. When I look at him I see such strength in the man yet a wondrous vulnerability. The dichotomy is utterly amazing.

In doing these blogs, moments we do share every day, we find out more about ourselves as a man and woman, Dominant and submissive, both together and apart. I love the growth. I love the time we share. I respect the Dom as my teacher. I love the man. Pretty incredible joys. Don’t you think?

Kisses and spanks…

Cassandre