Balance. You have to have balance in all things. John Patrick and I struggle with this every day separately and together. You try to fit in so many wonderful things smack in the middle of responsibilities and often the two worlds collide. We have so much passion inside the two of us that we shove everything we possibly can into a few hours or days. What we’ve finally figured out is that every moment shared is extremely precious but it honestly doesn’t matter what we do together. It’s just being. We are also balancing the vanilla world as we talked about with the kinky one and the D/s and passion of man and woman mesh but push against each other. The balance of power, however, isn’t as difficult as you might think. There is no challenge on whose in charge. He is. Period. We were talking recently and this realization alone is something we embrace and nurture. We’re also both a bit surprised every once in a while then we shake our heads. We are exactly the right people for each other. Yep. Can you tell I adore him? However, there are times he has to be a very strong Dom, one who helps me see the times when I’m very unbalanced. Not an easy feat.
Our world provides opportunities as well as challenges and when we can balance our needs and wants with all the crap life throws at you, you’re going to be happier, if not at least a bit saner. Nothing tends to work out the way we want it to all the time. We have curveballs and unexpected tragedies that seem to pop up when we least expect or know how to handle. I’ve recently had a hell of a lot of this occur in my world and thank God John Patrick has been here to guide and soothe, wipe away the tears and yes, refocus me in methods that include inflicting pain.
You’ve already learned how little he likes drama and he’s not unlike any other man, let alone Dom, who isn’t entirely certain how to keep me balanced. He also has to keep himself on an even keel and help nurture our growing desires to be together. There are days I feel overwhelmed, uncertain of the future and I hate that. I am a woman who likes control in my professional and personal life – at least with regard to the other side of me, not the submissive.
He’s here to remind me I’m allowed to be a girl as well as a woman, with tempering my emotions, which can top the scale for no apparent reason. My own personal balance is off kilter. His has been pushed because of his growing need to be more in control, even more dominating in nature. That’s his ‘domon’ right now and as we change and grow we’re talking more, sharing our fears and worries as well as all the amazing hours we share, experiences we have.
A little secret about this amazing man, he wants to be perfect for me. His growth has been tremendous and every day the questions he asks me alone are powerful in nature, complex to the point I really have to think before I try and express my thoughts. In having these very in depth conversations with John Patrick, I’ve seen in him his very personal struggle to find balance. We discuss how he worries that he’s not giving me what I need with regard to being the Dom I long for. He uses the expression ‘Domly Dom” as if he’s not. HA. That’s all I can say. His demeanor garners more respect than any man I’ve ever known.
Pain. I mentioned in the last blog that something John Patrick and I are working on now is all about balance – our life, our love and in truth the infliction of pain. Discipline is only a part of what we share and only a portion of any D/s, DD or M/s lifestyle. Why this came to light is the fact he’d lost an implement he had purchased but only used briefly once, then found it again. The cane can come in various forms. You can look on the Internet and in truth find as many types and styles of canes as you can leather straps. They’re made of various materials from natural wood to man made materials and even the weights or gauges (thickness) are as varied as the types themselves. I often smile seeing his bag of ‘goodies’, his blue and orange duffle housing various methods of inflicting pain as well as pleasure. Has he used them all on me? Pretty much now that he found his beloved cane and a little riding crop that has perfect direction.
We won’t talk about the quirt that was brought out again the other night. LORDY there are times I can’t seem to handle the pain. He asked me today if I was happy at times I can scream instead of holding back. I was kind of like DUH then laughed. The pain is a necessary part of what we share and I was at the point of asking for more. Why? Because I enjoy the sensations as well as the heartfelt knowledge he’s in control.
When John Patrick is in full control, balancing all sides as he inflicts pain or administers discipline, he’s very much in his element. He is a force of presence and I love to see how at peace he is. I fall into that heightened level with him and let go, giving every ounce of my being and submission to him. Pretty heady stuff.
I was thinking about how my writing has changed over the course of the last two years. As many of you know, I write books in several genres and while I tend to concentrate on alternative lifestyles, I use various forms of the infliction of pain in my vampire and thriller pieces as well. I think for any author worth his or her salt you have to know at least some about what you’re talking about to write the piece well. The Internet of course is a wonderful tool, but there are just certain things writing about is difficult without experiencing.
When I realized I wanted to engage in more of a D/s lifestyle, my interest as well as joy in sharing my experiences came into play. The infliction of pain has proven to provide countless blogs and the increase in my desire to write about punishment in general. I was finishing up a piece the other day, one in which I’d incorporated various methods of BDSM and had to laugh. What I wrote two or three years ago is completely different than my writing style of today. A hell of a lot has to do with John Patrick and the various experiences we’re sharing together.
Recently he managed to find his beloved cane. I say beloved because he’s the kind of Dom who keeps every implement he uses pristine as well as in a very good order. Yes, order. I don’t care if he’s working on a truck, being forced to go to plan ‘B’ while trying to handle a repair on his own or making certain he uses the right implement for punishment, he must have a plan. I’m allowed to tease him to a point but he is the kind of man who thrives on the environment. His plans are comprehensive and well thought out. Why do I mention this? Simply because I’m learning to appreciate every side as well as his level of patience, something I learn from every day. If something doesn’t work he rarely frustrates in the open anyway. He moves on with another idea, a method that will work. He’s oddly talented in so many aspects of being a guy and his hands are like gold.
We were having a discussion over a glass of wine after a session in which the can was used and he wasn’t happy with the lack of control. As I’ve already told you before, if he doesn’t know how something works he’s going to figure it out, one way or the other. Pragmatic as hell, the man refuses to give up on anything. I have no doubt in my mind he will purchase another cane or two, or perhaps five, in an effort to garner the best control for him. For us. Everything he attempts he does with a balance of thought. There is something very special in how he doles out pain, whether for punishment or merely because he desires to whip me. There is a difference.
Balance. Interesting concept in D/s.
Pain. Something very special when used in a manner of trust and love.
I’m a lucky girl and can’t wait for every day shared.
Kisses and spanks…