What do you think of when you hear the words “letting go”? Do you imagine a time when you were younger, those moments when you thought you could tackle the world? You remember those days filled with wild abandon and doing things you would NEVER consider today. You were vigorous and full of piss and vinegar, ready to tackle any and every obstacle you faced. I can certainly remember being at the top of my game, not only taking on more responsibilities but risks as well. Often times the risks were not only NOT worth the rewards but they were potentially dangerous to my well-being and even my life. Hell, maybe I wouldn’t do have the things now – live and learn – but then again… Life is boring most of the time. You know what I’m saying is true. Thoughts about our previous selves are delicious. We were all on edge, a vibe of electricity sweeping through every cell and I for one wish I could capture even a remote essence of that period in my life.
I’m quite frankly determined to capture the essence of the woman I was and I finally think I am just starting to do so. No, this isn’t about a mid life crises but a final acceptance of this chick, sometimes powerful and damn aggressive, passionate about all methods of kink and sex, and longing for more in the ways if being myself. Who am I? A submissive. Well, that’s just one tiny word you can add to my list. I’m an author, blogger, musician, association manager, lover, friend, wine lover, doggy mom – you get the drill. I am finally accepting me. Or so I think. UGH.
What I think happens pretty damn often for the majority of us is that we move into what we think is necessary in our lives – a heightened level of being an adult. Of course we long to have a career in order to pay our bills, live like we want and that’s a must. I get this. Then we become involved with another, perhaps have children, move into house number one and you settle down. You’ve found everything you ever wanted in your life. Right? Well… I think the amazing and very warm feeling of being able to share with another, the love of your life, keeps most of us grounded and moving forward. We smile in the beginning, still sharing candlelit dinners and occasional vacations or quick trips out of the blue. In other words we’re still able to take things as they come, enjoying spontaneous and sometimes wicked events.
Then a few years go by, then a few more. Suddenly you’re remembering having fun as well as those sweet visions of your youth and perhaps trying to find the person you think you fell in love with. Voila. You’re in the land of – where the fuck did my life go? Oh yes, you know that magical mystery tour of bullshit we all face. Don’t get me wrong. True love does exist. Of that I have no doubt. Not for me but that’s okay. I merely think for some of us the concept was really more about finding the person and a life we thought we should have or our parents and family insisted on. UGH. Eventually your true self, the one you’ve been hiding not only from your peers but more importantly from the struggling soul buried under layers of bullshit.
That’s the first stage of letting go in my mind. You’re finally facing the real woman or man that you are. What few people really understand is that eventually the hunger buried deep inside your psyche, the one that kept those insanely amazing fires burning when you were younger, will surface. Unfortunately you might not be equipped to handle the concept, thoughts, fantasies or needs. AND…your relationship just might not survive. That’s okay too. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life pretending? Not me.
Now that’s you’ve admitted the woman or man you are – what are you going to do about this sizzling revelation? You’re going to have to spend time soul searching. Tougher to do than you think cause real life, for me a very vanilla life, will try and pull you straight back into the only thing you know – true complacency.
For any of you who know me, my rather cathartic moment was two fold. One was the fact I could no longer live another day without writing, something I’d done as a child. The second was that I didn’t want to be the woman in charge every day of my life – so I began to explore the girl inside in depth. I’d already read about, explored at least in the way of writing D/s and I was intrigued. The very day the burning light not only shone above like a beacon from heaven but more importantly shown like flashing neon – the wicked girl way – I was freed from chains held around me pretty much my entire life.
Then the reality of letting go settled in and I had no flipping clue what to do, where to go, how to act on my needs and more importantly who or if I could trust anyone with telling what I longed for – even if I could figure out what I craved.
Time and exploration of course gave me the freedom to open up first to myself then to another. While the first couple of times of cracking the ragged heavy door to Pandora’s Box didn’t bring me anything but sadness, I learned a hell of a lot mostly about me. I could have given up but forged ahead and of course met John Patrick. What I think he and I talk about more often than any aspect of “us” as a couple is that we had the instant connection – one rarely if ever found. And two – we can ad still literally today can talk about anything. Today’s topic of conversation? Well he has this need of course to have my throat trained – if you know what I mean. He also has a desire to explore other kinky aspects like fisting so he was having me send him pictures of certain sex toys that he’d use for training.
All this sauciness after having a normal conversation regarding work and contracts, co-workers and bullshit for the day certainly made me smile. Hey, you can never have enough sex talk. Right? You’re laughing and probably blushing right now. What keeps our relationship vital is the letting go in being uninhibited with our needs, our thoughts and desires as well as our words. There isn’t anything more freeing than the ability to say anything that I want to learn about, have him train me in or I fear. I trust him so implicitly, knowing as we continue to grow I’ll be able to open up even more.
For John Patrick, he’s told me on more than one occasion that being able to really be him, the man he’s finally come to realize always existed, is priceless. He hungers for more, from himself and me as his submissive as well as with us. We’re able to let go together. Communication and honesty is the key, especially with yourself. Grasping onto the wondrous understanding of what you want REALLY in your life just begins your journey. The rest is merely a book waiting to be written.
For me there are various ways I’m continuing to let go and one area that’s vital is allowing John Patrick to control various aspects of my life. What do you think – easy or difficult? Well, I think everyone is different of course, but for me both. Yeah, I know – non committal right? Well, there are various degrees and continuous learning for both of us. There are changes as we grow, our desires morphing. We look at each other and ourselves differently now versus months ago. Are we letting go more and more? You bet. Do we have a long way to go before I am totally submissive and he’s completely comfortable in his Dom skin? You bet. But the journey is utterly amazing.
Letting go is very complex and there are so many other ways we can explore. Tell me your biggest challenge. What drives you utterly insane – either vanilla or kink? Hmm….
Kisses and spanks…