Domination and Submission = Abuse? Part Two

Well, the first blog regarding this very sensitive subject did generate many a comment. I honestly think a lot of people have no clue the difference in living a D/s lifestyle and being abused by an asshole. How sadly appropriate I’m writing this blog when I just read what was a haunting question from a submissive in a BDSM group on Facebook. She mentioned her Dom was coming over to beat her and she hadn’t done anything to deserve a beating. She stated he never seemed concerned about her welfare and simply used excessive force. Her comment ended with she was fearful of him and didn’t know what to do. My statement to her was this had nothing to do with D/s. The relationship is clearly about abuse. This is sadly what I’m talking about in this blog. There
is a huge difference and even people in the lifestyle don’t know the difference.

Folks, you have to have enough respect for yourself on several levels. If you’re even considering entering into a lifestyle where you’re trusting another, you have to know every detail. You have to have very open communication and have limits dominantwith play or punishment. There is no way John Patrick would force me into a situation of any kind without talking about the various aspects, the emotions and fears involved. Yes, I’m spanked for bad behavior. He disciplines me because he knows I need a firm hand. I know I need a strict man in my life, one who has taken the time to get to know ME – that fearful and loving girl inside, the one who falters in her ways, has little patience. He punishes me after talking about why I need a hard whipping – not a beating.

Every aspect of what we share is open, our lines of communication to our passion. Yes, he has the last say in every aspect of what we share but he does listen to me. He hears my worries and concerns and takes them in account before decisions are made. That’s the way of D/s. I trust him with the decisions he makes and the punishment I need in order to thrive – and I do. He’s a calming factor. He’s a man who knows me better than any other has and I am thrilled with our life together.

As I said I the last blog, I wanted to get John Patrick’s take on this very heated subject and I asked him some very pointed and specific questions. I’ve mentioned before that I’m a tall chick, pretty capable of taking care of myself, but he’s a big man. Standing at 6’5”, and having the strength he does, he’s certainly capable of capturing and pinning me down, in other words forcing whatever he desire on me. But he doesn’t. Never has and never will. That’s the measure of the man I admire. Of course I submit to him easily but in hearing some stories, some Dom’s use their physical prowess to force submissives into doing whatever they want. That’s nothing more than standard grade ‘A’ abuse. I won’t tolerate nor would John Patrick ever consider.

A Sub's initiativeWhat we share is about respect. Trust. Love. Everything we do is consensual. I adore submitting to such an honest and caring Dom. Let me in on what he’s saying…

Abuse – tell me your thoughts on why there’s so much confusion and people think D/s is all about abuse

Society tends to take a very narrow view of a subject and then try’s to fit anything they feel is associated with that subject into that very narrow definition. Any type or level of violence, especially towards a woman, is viewed as abuse. Period. There are no parameters or levels of acceptance. And if a woman says she actually desires the treatment found in many D/s and BDSM relationships, she is obviously mentally unstable, needs help and is a “victim”. Now do I believe there is real abuse? Absolutely!!! In every family, class of society and in every neighborhood. There are real victims and real perpetrators. The victims need help and the abusers need prosecution. But this is not what this discussion or D/s is about.

We are talking about adults that have agreed to take their relationship or playtime to other levels and in directions not viewed by society as normal, through mutual consent and agreement, thus making the label of abuse no longer applicable. Consent is the foundation of kink play and the turning point from abuse. Because as free thinking and intelligent creatures, we can decide on how we wish to play and what we wish to experience, without being labeled as “crazy”. If agreed upon by adults through the building of trust and open communication, the limits of exploration are almost boundless and free from what society has deemed as “normal”.

We both think a D/s relationship is special – what constitutes the ability for a Dom to be more aggressive, giving discipline etc where society frowns upon spankings of any kind.

As a Dom, I take it as my responsibility to establish some level of rules and order for the sub to follow to maintain the relationship on an even keel. I believe its the only fair way to handle the relationship: have everything as black and white as possible. Rewards for good behavior, punishment for bad. Spanking is very personal for discipline, works well and it is generally a very private and personal management style.

What do you think would happen if a spanking you administered in a more public setting moved toward the police being called?

It would go very badly. Because of the feelings and the seemly constant news in the press today about abuse, the authorities would feel obligated to take some level of action, even being that the act was consensual. The “victim” obviously doesn’t understand or realize what’s happening! They would trot out any obscure law if need be to find some way of prosecuting at some level to show a level of concern and action.

What do you think would be the reaction of your friends, family, father if they/he knew you were using a belt for discipline? Would any of them think the word abuse?

The quick answer is yes, they all would probably think it was abuse at first glance. If I had the chance to explain our views to each one, most friends and some family would see it asA submissive something else but I believe the vanilla world will always generally view it as abuse at to some level. Would he spank me in public? Well, I think a time might arise. What would I do if some jerkoff called the police? Well, my personality is such I’d be pissed and would let the world know but… I have to remember people don’t know. If you think there is real abuse going on then I applaud you for intervening. I merely caution you not to judge if the event is something else entirely. There may be a time I deserve a harsh and very humiliating spanking in front of people. I am a willful woman.

John Patrick took quite a bit of time with my questions because he’s very organized and wants to make certain he conveys what’s in his mind. He always teases me that I’m the writer, not him, but I personally think his thoughts are well said. In reading stories on various social media sites, I am still amazed at the level of confusion. Abuse of any human being is horrific. Being in a D/s relationship is something else entirely. If you’re considering you have to know you, embrace your inner needs and be able to trust another to open up. If you do and you connect, then you know with instinct you can move forward. Just do so cautiously. There are many fakes out there – Dom wannabes who think violence is the key. No fucking way.

For those in this amazing journey I applaud you. Mine is filled with joy and self awareness. As John Patrick and I take our steps into the future we don’t take what we share lightly. We know this is something special. I hope you can say that as well.

Kisses and spanks…


Don’t forget I have several books out highlighting Domination and Submission in the Submitting to a Spanking and Honor and Obey Collections. The latest…

Pictures curtesy of A Submissive’s Initiative – a place for learning safe BDSM and thank you!

About Cassandre Dayne

Cassandre Dayne is the pseudo for the best selling author of romantic suspense and thrillers
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2 Responses to Domination and Submission = Abuse? Part Two

  1. I have a “friend” who tells me about some of the girls he plays with. I don’t get the impression he’s disciplining them for any infraction in particular, I think they just enjoy the rough play. One had him spank her as hard as he could until his hand was bruised and it still wasn’t enough. Another he took to a dungeon where she went up on a St. Andrews cross and had various people flog her. Another one is married with kids, but has boyfriends (Doms) on the side because her husband isn’t in to it. He tells me these stories and I force myself to keep my mouth shut because I don’t really know what to make of it.

    Maybe they were abused in childhood, maybe they have low self-esteem, or maybe they’re just kinky as all hell???


    • Tiffany – some women (men too) are called pain sluts. They enjoy the pain as they move into a heightened state and love the way they feel. It does exist. I had a Dom once who suggested I’m a pain slut. Being with John Patrick – while we do “play” with pain, he differentiates between discipline and play time. I know when I’m being punished and he tells me what’s going to happen. Yes, I crave some pain in other methods but I’m still exploring, unsure of ME – not of him. I trust him totally without reservation. Still, this part is a journey as well.


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