Respect in a Dominant/submissive Lifestyle

Admiration, Esteem, Revere – these are words often used in place of respect. They are powerful words, those that can evoke deep emotions. There are various forms of respect that you give, learn, care about or share. Within D/s, respect is vital – at least in my humble opinion. Why? Because if I didn’t respect John Patrick the way I do, my natural personality would exude through my pores more often. Do I revert still to the vanilla girl, the one with brass balls? Of course I do and I’m reined back in. I try and show respect in allConfidence the D/s books and I write and I think readers enjoy this as well as the fact we’re all just people sharing an amazing experience.

What do you think of when you hear the word respect? Do you think of the way you feel about your parents this way given the simple fact they raised you? Were you raised to say ‘sir’ and ma‘am’ to all elders, teachers, other professionals? Do you respect your partner in all ways, including being honest and decent, loving and trustworthy? Do you respect yourself in ways of mental and physical health and needs? These are often fairly heady questions for some people. I wasn’t raised to say ‘yes sir or no ma‘am’. I just wasn’t. At the time, there was no freaking way I’d offer any level of respecting terms to or about my father no matter what anyone told me to do. I have various reasons why and my trepidation is valid. That being said, my nature was never to see anyone as anything but equal and that all levels of respect should be earned. Those people can few and far between. What do you think, should respect be given automatically or earned?

In a D/s relationship, respect usually comes with trust. As a submissive, when you’re able to trust your Dom in every aspect from opening up to him, allowing him into your inner very dark Pandora’s Box, and with your body and your heart, then respect seems to come hand in hand. This begins with communication and being completely open with each other. I’ve said it time and time again, you have to pull away the mask or peel the onion to find the hidden person inside. You have to let go of your fears and trepidations, allowing your Dom to know the girl inside, the one that’s been craving control. This is a little bit easier said than done. For me giving respect, showing signs of respect and obeying (a heightened sign) doesn’t come as naturally as you might think given I’ve stated clearly I’m a submissive. There are nuances just like every journey is different.

John Patrick has been very good about peeling away my layers. I’m a complicated woman in many ways. Before I began my journey into a D/s lifestyle, I had zero tolerance for anyone of authority. I’ve been the girl to stand out in front of a cop car with my hand out. Yep, that was me. I can make faces like nobody’s business and a person a hundred yards away knows what I’m thinking – and usually not anything I could spew in mixed company. Trust me, I will rage against the machine so to speak. When John Patrick came into my life I really wasn’t certain about the whole ‘Sir’ concept. Saying the word seemed a bit too…confining. As he and I talked, I learned more about him and his desires as he did mine, and just through time, I began to respect the man – not the Dom initially. Don’t get me wrong. We both knew almost immediately that our respective roles as Dom/sub were exactly where we wanted to take our life together. However, bridging the gap between the vanilla world and D/s didn’t come overnight. As the respect for the man morphed into respect for the Dom, my need to show him devotion in all manners grew exponentially.

Body BetraysSaying Sir was a defining moment that broke the vanilla mold. What I realized is that I’d completed the cycle of learning to respect myself, thereby allowing me to embrace giving up control. In other words my respect for John Patrick was the final key to unlock the very submissive side. What you have to realize is that for all the wretched stories you think you’ve heard about a D/s relationship including forced control, pain, punishment etc. (and there are relationships that rely on forced domination) the truth is that respect should be earned as well as given and shown on both sides. This isn’t a one way street, no matter what you think. The relationships that tend to last are the ones where the Dom cares deeply about what his submissive thinks, cares about her well-being and honors her gift of submission and obedience. I give my submission, trust, love and respect to John Patrick without reservation because he is an amazing man, let alone a caring Dom. Respect yourself first. when you’re looking for a Dom or opening up to one.

When he and I are together, there is an implied level of respect as well. While I’m certainly allowed to speak my mind with him and do, when he says the single word ‘stop’, I do immediately. He doesn’t do this often, to date I think only three times, however when a conversation is going down a bad path, one that might lead vanilla couples to disagreements or full blown arguments, this is his direct mechanism for both of us to take a step back. As he’s told me before, never will a conversation simply stop forever. He will address again at a time when we’re either able to speak face to face or have cooler heads. Trust me, this has proven to be extremely successful for both of us.

Respect is also about how you handle yourself within the circles of the lifestyle. Whether you’re in a club or in a group of like minded people, there are very clear lines. No trained Dom would just assume a submissive would ever ‘play’ with him. He has to be allowed, offered by the Dom. The submissive also learns to respect other Dom’s. I asked John Patrick his thoughts on how I should address other Dom’s. As he told me clearly, I’d never call another man Master period. But I would show him the respect and call him Sir.

John Patrick and I have had many a conversation about Dom’s that are in the lifestyle and the way in which they react to me. He has some very clear thoughts about how Dom’s should be with regard to submissives in general. For example, I have a lot of Dom’s on FetLife who have enjoyed talking with me over the last couple of years. They were my ‘friends’ long before I met John Patrick and he has no issue with me continuing a basic friendship. However, he did have me place on my page a request and any friend requests from men go through him. Out of respect of course I honor this rule. Simple enough. I can’t tell you how many men totally ignore all the words written on my profile about this and send me a fairly explicit email about exactly what they’d like to do with me. Those on FetLife can be fairly vividly blatant. His thoughts? These men are being completely disrespectful to the lifestyle, and to both he and I. I would have to agree.

Granted, that request was made months ago and recently he mentioned he no longer feels the need to have the rule in place. Not only does he realize I can handle myself, I think the request has become rather moot for him. He certainly realizes I’m not going anywhere. While I appreciate of course his level of trust in me, out of respect I think I’ll keep the rule in place. What I did realize after so many men blatantly ignored the request is that they don’t red ropeunderstand the concept of respect within the lifestyle itself. The social media site isn’t any different than Facebook, Ashley Madison or in that a good number of men (women too) are looking for a hook up and nothing more.

That’s fairly normal behavior. Right? Well, as far as D/s couples, this isn’t cool at all. I’ve learned so many valuable things from John Patrick and what we’re sharing. Respect is a huge part of what and how we share our life, something that only continues to grow. My final thought. If you don’t respect yourself first and foremost, you won’t be able to give of yourself to your Dom. Just something to think about.

Kisses and spanks…


About Cassandre Dayne

Cassandre Dayne is the pseudo for the best selling author of romantic suspense and thrillers
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2 Responses to Respect in a Dominant/submissive Lifestyle

  1. Kim says:

    Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! As someone who stepped out of a twenty year vanilla marriage and into a D/s relationship recently, everything you’ve written is such a HUGE help as I walk this journey with Sir.


    • My goodness you are so very welcome. I’m so glad you enjoyed. Remember that this is all about baby steps and enjoying along the way. I’m no expert but please feel free to ask me anything – happy to share and so is John Patrick 🙂


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