So You Long to Become a Submissive… WTF?

Did the title catch your attention? Imagine how difficult telling your husband or wife that you really would like to become a submissive, that you’ve had the tendencies for years. Both men and women crave being the submissive in the relationship, longing to have a firm hand, a hard spanking now and again. Stop and think about your significant other. Could you have the guts to tell him or her? How would you slip the thought into the conversation? Would you pull him or her aside, perhaps pour a glass or bottle of wine (garnering courage of course) then let the words fly? Would you leave a little sexy BDSM book on the coffee table with A simple ribbonpages marked? Or would you leave your computer on and make sure you’ve left a blog or two just in case it’s noticed?

I’m like many souls who figured out I’d do a hell of a lot better in a relationship being taken in hand, obeying a head of household. John Patrick is a very positive and nurturing figure in my life, allowing this side of me to grow exponentially. He’s controlling and firm yet gentle in his patience and understanding. The beauty of what we share is that we’re pretty much creating our own journey together. He wasn’t a practiced Dom and I didn’t have five Masters prior to submitting to him. Yes, we make mistakes along the way but the joy in sharing and learning as we grow is amazing. There’s another side to this equation however, those who have been married or together for years, even decades. Imagine the daunting concept.

I’ve heard from many a reader lately that their spouse finally opened up, exposing the submissive person inside. Suddenly they have no clue any longer about their relationship, what to expect or if they can even survive this rather profound admittance. I have to admit, John Patrick and I have talked about the fact we got together after our personal admittance and this is probably one reason he and I are so happy. I’m not certain how or if we would have survived had we been married. I just don’t know. What I do feel is amazement at the couples that move from vanilla to D/s, DD or M/s with their love intact. Yes, switching can be done with great success, but there does seem to be a significant amount of angst.

Both John Patrick and I have been talking to people seeking advice about this very subject. How do you tell your beloved you need a significant change or how do you nurture the journey that’s started? First of all keep in mind every journey is very personal. There are no two alike and no rulebooks telling anyone how to do this. As John Patrick and I talked about today, sometimes it seems couples hungering for this lifestyle think there is a schematic telling you how to follow point A all the way to point Z. Wrong. Reading what others have gone through, learning about aspect is fabulous and I encourage, but you have to decide on the steps you’re going to take – TOGETHER.

However… For both of you this is also a very personal transition. You absolutely have to look deep inside to your very core and ask questions. Why are you doing this? Can you handle the transition? Can your relationship survive the power exchange? Do you know what you’re getting into? Are you ready for time invested and patience? Are you doing this for you as well as your partner? Hmmm… These are just a few of the initial questions you simply have to ask. If this is all about your partner, the switch will fail. If this is all about you, the switch will fail. If you think it’s easy and will happen readily, this will fail. If you believe you don’t need to learn and grasp an understanding, this will fail. Get the concept?

I will take youSharing a D/s lifestyle is utterly amazing, breathtaking. Switching from what you’re used to, the habits you’ve put into place – bad and good – will be one of the most difficult things you’ll ever consider. Why? Just think about the basic concept of changing the equal status within your dynamic and even the miniscule details surrounding the shift. We’ve all pretty much been programmed that there has to be equality in a relationship. That’s certainly what America has been about for the last fifty years. The words ‘honor and obey’ were stricken from marriage vows and so every couple moved forward into a relationship where both parties carried the same weight. Right? Wrong. We all know better. There’s a push-pull going all the time.

Marriages are often difficult at best. We argue and frustrate in trying to relate to each other, let alone no one take any responsibility for things going awry in the relationship. We coast. We stay complacent. We look the other way. We act like we don’t care. Oh but we do. We long for those moments when we had some level of control in regard to what we were trying to achieve. Takes guts to realize, accept and move on doesn’t it?

A perfect reason to consider a D/s relationship. You’ve tried everything else in your life, including talking, screaming, ignoring, perhaps talking with a professional, even a trial separation and nothing works. Nothing brings you closer to your personal center. The concept is very difficult. What can you do? Where do you begin? Will you be ridiculed for the thought alone?

For those lucky few that realize they need something else entirely, embracing the inner submissive or dominant is daunting. There’s no doubt about it. You have to really take time to look deep inside, consider what you know you have to have then finally let go of all of your inhibitions. The very first thing you have to do is face your inner ghost or demon. Once you do you’ll never be able to live your life the same way again. Don’t fret. This exacting moment is filled with joy and the most incredible peace you’ll ever know. Then your journey can begin.

There is no magical moment when you finally embrace who you’ve always wanted to be, probably no real catalyst screaming into your inner ear. The feeling, the understanding is incredible. Now you have no freaking clue what to do with your revelation. My advice – again no expert here – is take time for you first. The old fashioned soul searching does indeed work IF you’re truthful with yourself.

Read, study, read more and talk to people. When you have a better understanding of what you think you want then you need to talk to your partner. There isn’t a perfect way. Get over the concept. There is no advance understanding of how they’ll react either. You simply have to say in no uncertain terms what you’ve discovered and determined about you and your needs. Speak from the heart that you need to shift the power exchange. Tell him or her you long to submit. Then allow the information to sink in and allow them space. You have to try and think about where you’re placing your relationship – perhaps in a precarious position. He or she has to come to terms with your emotions and his own.

Imagine your husband, the one who really held no authority within your household. No doubt he’s going to think you’re telling him he’s not good enough. Natural reaction. What you have to do is be very frank and open. Time. You both need time. I was trying to remember the moment I knew. I had no one to tell at that point, no friend I could feel comfortable enough sharing my amazing proclamation. So I kept it secret for almost two years. Then I began to need in a way I couldn’t explain and I began exploring the lifestyle through websites and social media, garnering friends and men who were certain they could fulfill my needs. Did I cross the line and explore, perhaps against my better judgment? Yes. Did I learn about myself in the process? You bet. Then I pulled back, concerned I Good girlwas clueless.

When John Patrick came into my life I’d stopped looking for some level of peace or salvation. I ceased to think about my needs to find the right Dominant. I was just living life. Almost immediately I felt a connection that allowed me to release my ghosts and I’m grateful. For those already involved, the awe inspiring moment won’t happen the same way, but that doesn’t mean it can’t happen. Open your eyes and your soul first. Now that’s you done that and you’ve admitted your needs, what next? Time. Talks Patience. Worry. Talks. Fear. Understanding. Talks. Setbacks. Changes. Talks. You see the underlying single word? You have to talk a hell of a lot.

If you’re considering this very concept, take some time and really think this through. Then through the plan out the window. The ride will be riddled with angst, but I for one can say every moment is amazing.

Kisses and spanks…


About Cassandre Dayne

Cassandre Dayne is the pseudo for the best selling author of romantic suspense and thrillers
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