As my readers know, John Patrick and I have been exploring what we consider to be an incredible D/s journey. We’re relatively new to the lifestyle and find the way we’re learning together and growing is something amazing, unexpected for both of us. While we both wanted this very intimate and extremely close relationship, we certainly didn’t anticipate finding such a close connection, one the bridges a passionate vanilla laced love with the D/s. I know my readers love hearing his voice and I’m going to continue encouraging him to participate, providing a Dom’s POV. We aren’t perfect. We don’t follow any rulebook. We certainly don’t know everything there is to know about each other or the lifestyle. BUT… Our journey is something that leaves me breathless.
I thought doing a basic interview with both of us – answering the same question might give you an interesting perspective. This is the first of a couple and please don’t hesitate to ask either one of us questions. We’re both happy to talk about our experience. Oh and to answer a burning questions, YES he is the ‘sinspiration’, as I call all delicious treats, behind many of my characters in my D/s and DD books. You get to see a little bit of him everywhere…
Question: While you don’t live together right now, your journey grows every day as well as the struggle to keep the D/s maintained if not increasing. How do you think the power dynamic has changed – especially with the long distance?
JP: The power dynamic has certainly grown but with our situation having very limited time together, I believe it naturally has grown more slowly than with a couple that is together 24/7 or even on a near daily basis. It has probably also had more “plateau’s” in the process just through not being able to directly interact. Continuity is an important aspect of any relationship but even more so in the D/s realm. Maintaining the D/s dynamic takes constant effort and not actually being together makes it difficult.
CD: I know for myself I find my mind has altered. No longer do I have to think about the fact I am serving JP. I feel that in my heart and soul. however the long distance does provide challenges including the fact I tend to move back to the vanilla girl at times without even realizing. JP is very good about giving me space when something is going on in my life but I want him to center me as needed – perhaps more often. While we talk every day, I’m not certain I give him the respect he deserves.
Question: By not being able to spend much actual time together, the pitfalls are obvious. But do you think there are any advantages to not being able to spend unlimited time much time together?
JP: While I certainly long and desire to spend unlimited time with Cass, I think not being able too has made us much more open and creative in our communication. We have communicated daily for the last 10 months on any and all subjects, whether by text, email or phone calls and I believe this has made us much more open because we are generally always available to each other.
CD: This is a tough question for me in truth. While I do think we’ve had to be much more creative in our interactions, which has led to being so very open, I also find myself wanting more and more. The one aspect for any long distance type of relationship is the fact you do give each other the best you have. Meaning, we work to make our moments very special, even if we do very normal things such as cooking, shopping, even laundry. There is an element of longing that stays and we’ve been able to make every moment special. Still, I want to give JP more of me, serve him more. So there is angst here.
Question: Discipline is a part of many D/s relationships, especially in order to keep the power exchange. What do you find most effective and why?
JP: As a Dominant, my belief is that every aspect of the relationship should be as black and white as possible with limited gray areas. Along with this is a system of awards and punishment for good and bad behavior. The severity of punishment should fit the offense, from an over the knee bare ass spanking to a “hold your position” session with the Quirt. I truly believe that when both sides know what is expected and what bad behavior may bring, there is a maintainable and fair balance within the relationship.
CD: This is very thought provoking. One might think as often as I write about spanking that would do it for me. In truth, it’s the way JP reminds me in his calm voice that I’ve been shirking my duties. I hate to disappoint him. This emotion really does exist within sub missives. It’s odd because I’ve never felt this long term before. Don’t get me wrong, the spankings center me, refocus and its tough to explain to those who don’t have this in their vanilla life. I feel very close to him when he spanks me.
Question: Within the power exchange dynamic, what do you think the responsibilities are for each side?
JP: Once the concept of a power exchange is established within the relationship, I believe the greatness responsibilities for both sides are to establish total communication and to trust each other that they will each work to fulfill their respective roles to their best ability, knowing neither is perfect and there will be issues along the way. For the Dom, he/she must realize that the power they hold is something that needs to be used in a measured, intelligent and thoughtful manner, always holding the care and wellbeing of their sub as their utmost priority. The sub should trust, submit fully and always give their best effort for her/his Dom.
CD: The dynamic is a very special one. I’ve always mentioned trust, but trust isn’t something that starts out right away. Trust is built through honestly, openness and respect for each other. For the Dom, he has to understand he (or she) have to step back from some situations and observe his submissive, learn about all aspects of her moods and nuances, fears and trepidations before he can adequately begin to train and guide her. Patience is also a must! For the submissive, she has to embrace her own foibles, being able to forgive herself often – especially in the beginning. For her Dom, respect is vital. Once the trust is in place, she has to honor that trust by allowing him to make decisions, guide her in ways she might be uncomfortable with. That can be difficult for both.
Question: Let’s talk spankings – when you receive/give one – how do you feel?
JP: Whether it’s a simple spanking or a full on whipping, the feeling is different depending if it’s for discipline or play. With discipline, I tend to feel it is a learning moment and it is more structured to make a point. With play, it is more free and unstructured allowing us to move us together into a different space. With both types, it is arousing to a certain level but much more so within playtime. Afterwards, I experience almost a high, knowing I took my submissive somewhere towards the edge and together we experienced something powerful.
CD: Loved, honored, respected. I feel trust and such an amazing peace. There is calmness about me I’ve never experienced before. Tough to explain except for I’ve never felt so fulfilled, refocused.
I hope you’ve enjoyed the first little interview taste. We’ll keep them coming. By the way, there continues to be misnomers about whether the lifestyle, including aspects of pain, is forced. John Patrick and I will tackle this next.
Kisses and spanks…