Within a D/s relationship there are many dynamics. Couples often find themselves in a quandary bridging the vanilla lifestyle with what some feel to be a very powerful alternative method. We’ve talked about various aspects of co-mingling various parameters such as co-workers, family and friends who might not realize the lifestyle you’ve chosen. Many couples keep this sometimes very private side away from the public eye for various reasons. The few people I’ve taken the time to truly talk about D/s who share a vanilla life with their partner, do indeed kind of look at me a bit funny. While it’s been tough to wrap a neat package with words around the various aspects, there are so many emotions etc. that are the mainstay. Those I instill when I can. What do they include?
Trusting each other completely and being very open in all manners of conversation is vital. Having patience and understanding in yourself and your partner is very important as you grow together. Accepting your needs as well as your place within the power exchange I would consider a crucial first step. Then there’s love, honesty, being open minded, acceptance, forgiveness and passion. Sounds a lot like what would solidify an amazing vanilla relationship. Right? Sadly, few marriages are quite as open in all ways as one shared within a D/s lifestyle.
As many of you’ve read, John Patrick and I can’t be together 24/7 right now. That may change. Will that alter the dynamics once again? You bet. I’m often asked by readers how I think our life would change if we were living together. There’s no easy answer. There’s also no way of knowing exactly how we’ll incorporate all our wants, desires and needs, meshing them together. The old adage is very true. You don’t know how someone is completely unless you’ve lived with them.
I’ve had John Patrick tell me that he is a bit of a bear to live with. What I find funny is that he’s a lot like me in that he likes certain things a particular way. He’s not a clean freak by any slice of the word, but…BUT he is very organized and is a planner. When we cook dinner together he does exactly what I do – clean as you go along. Don’t laugh. You’d be surprised how many people make a mess of the entire kitchen (ten pans dirty and fourteen bottles open) and leave the kitchen a complete disaster through dinner. UGH and no way. Put shit away. Clean shit up. Those are two of his mottos. I like them!
He’s particular yes, but so am I. I don’t have the responsibility of cleaning his house at this point, but when I’m cooking or sharing time with him in his valuable space, you bet I clean.
So we’ve talked about the importance of roles within a D/s relationship. Keep in mind, there’s no two alike just as within a vanilla relationship there isn’t. He and I don’t have certain set duties at this time because he can’t establish them and really expect I can adhere and obey. There are a few things that we decided together would help bridge the gap as well as the distance. Yes, I address him as Sir. I do light his cigarettes. I wear my lovely day collar (even though I haven’t been officially collared) when I can. If we have a discussion – no matter texting, phone or in person – and he needs to pull back and think or before the situation gets heated, he simply says STOP and I obey. There are a few more private gestures we use, but even those aren’t applicable in every situation.
In the beginning, I very much needed a bridge from vanilla girl to submissive. Touching my collar is calming, makes me feel very connected to him in a much more powerful way than you can imagine. Lighting his cigarette is a simple gesture that gives him respect both in public and private. I honestly believe such rules or tokens need to occur within every D/s relationship. He has various rules with regards to disciplining me, but even those are often few and far between. Why? You guessed it. Time. Our time is so very precious to each other right now that every moment we share together we try and fill with EVERYTHING.
You’d be shocked what we can fill into an evening or a couple of days. Pretty much all of our interests are the same. From wineries to music, sharing time on the deck to my writing, talking and cooking, our passions are endless. So what will happen when we live together or at least have endless time? Hmm… We’ve talked about this in some detail. I think the majority of submissives long for to share their utter devotion. What does that mean to you or to a Dom? You know what I’m going to say… For me, putting John Patrick first in my life is of upmost importance. That doesn’t mean I will cease having responsibilities outside of our relationship. Of course I will and he certainly understands this. He’s always told me when I have to do things with my job etc. he’s there to support me. He’s also known from day one that my writing is akin to my soul. Not only has he encouraged me in countless ways, he’s also helped by adding his voice both here and to several books. Sharing our joy with you has brought us closer together. Kind of amazing in truth.
However, I know and have told him I want nothing more than to serve him in various ways for the rest of my life. I want to shower him with joys, make him first in my life, and to share every aspect of this journey we’re threading through. I’m not a slave and certainly don’t have that mentality, but my devotion to pleasing him is very strong. Examples? For me, making certain he’s aware how much I adore him in little ways like texting and notes, buying his favorite candy and wine, really makes me swoon. That would only increase if we lived together. I can imagine how living together would heighten the need as well as the desire within me. Plus my creative side would kick into high gear.
We’ve talked about certain responsibilities I would have with regards to the house, but you’ve already figured out I can’t stand clutter anyway. D/s couples often have rituals regarding when the Dom comes home. A drink might be poured, an implement of discipline when required setting on the table. The submissive might be kneeling and in a particular state of dress or undress, depending on his mood. John Patrick has toyed with the subject, but if he’s not certain how he’d feel. I often would be coming home much later, given my night meetings, so certain scenarios just wouldn’t work.
Then there are sexual needs… You’ve probably read or currently practice a certain level of sexual discipline within your relationship. For John Patrick and I, if he’s hungry and in the mood for sex or kink of any nature, I’m not allowed to say no. Then again, I wouldn’t say no. My hungers personally, let alone the ones needing to please him, are off the chain. Yes, this is another reason our intimacy is so electric. So how would any of this change with our living together? The same answer. Time. There will be so much more time to explore the things we love. Our vanilla life would soar being able to explore locations, wineries, places of nature and music venues. We could create fabulous menus, since we both love to cook. We will be able to sleep in late, snuggle like teenagers and take a shower together every morning. Yes, we do that when we can.
Sliding into my submissive mode, I’ll be able to wake him every morning with coffee and juice, give him a long backrub and a blow job (doesn’t every guy enjoy one in the morning? Come on..) I can make him lunch for work as well as share breakfast. Then I can clean the house after he leaves so when he comes home everything is just so… Sounds a bit too much? Not for us. The other side of the dark coin is about being able to fully embrace our kinky side. We want to share our passion with a third and that’s much easier when you can explore together. Learning about another, how they’d fit with us, sharing even a conversation over dinner takes time as well as effort.
Going to munches or kink clubs, where we can be ourselves in front of people, will be utterly amazing. Whether we participate or merely observe, the experiences will only aid in our growing journey. Right now, time is too precious to devote to anything but ourselves. Even establishing a playroom is something we both desire. Of course we’ll close the fabulously adorned room off so that vanilla friends and family won’t think we’re any weirder than we already are. I say that slightly tongue in cheek.
The other aspect is that we’ll both be able to share our joys in various ways with selective family and friends. John Patrick is going to tell a few of his buddies about some of his D/s desires and that’s a step for both of us. He isn’t unlike anyone else who longs for support from people he cares about if nothing else. We’ll see how that goes. Will living together be perfect? Of course not. We’re not perfect people. We are a man and woman after all, but arguments certainly won’t happen and when rules infractions do, they’ll quickly be taken care of. Once I’m disciplined that’s it. There is no harboring or pulling the little red wagon. Obedience is a very interesting aspect to any relationship and for us, his need for control and my need to give it away fits perfectly. I trust in him implicitly to make decisions for us, the household and for the woman as well. Sounds lofty and there will be hiccups along the way, but I for one simply can’t wait to explore and embrace.
I hope you’ve enjoyed.
Kisses and spanks…