Domination and submission = Abuse? Part III

Well there wasn’t going to be a part three to this series but certain things occurred that reminded me there are so many misnomers to pretty much everything about a D/s, M/s, BDSM or even a DD lifestyle. The basic vanilla world has no concept of the various aspects and not only do they shy away from hearing anything, what they think they know they turn into – well abuse. You’ve heard the old adage… “In the absence of information 1alwayspeople make up shit”? Very true in this circumstance.

What I find funny is that so many people either watch or read porn in the flavor of their choice, but when you mention the letters B…D…S…M or the word flogger and they turn seventeen shades of purple, take a giant stride back and the words “ya’ll weird” comes out of their mouths. John Patrick and I have laughed a bit, certainly had several conversations, and when asked we are happy to explain the basics around a D/s lifestyle. I have no problem people not understanding and asking – not that we’re experts by any means – but I think some people do enjoy reading about our journey, or those within the lifestyle. Let’s face it kids, PORN is hot so people are going to naturally be interested in aspects of BDSM.

I mentioned that John Patrick was finally going to have the opportunity to tell a friend about D/s, one who up until this point had no idea. He did and the conversation was over drinks and cigars (such a guy thing to do). When I asked him about how the conversation went he became very animated and admitted he told his buddy pretty much everything, including educating him on the differences (from John Patrick’s point of view) between Master/slave and Dominant/submissive. While there was no way his buddy absorbed everything he was told over several hours, what John Patrick came back with is that certainly his friend didn’t look down on him for the choices made with regards to exploring BDSM. Yes, I understand his eyes opened a bit wide when he heard John Patrick used his personal belt to discipline me. Of course what so many people think that have never experienced anything remotely close to BDSM or D/s is that it’s all about pain.

One of the first things John Patrick made certain his buddy understood was that our relationship is about so much more. The D/s portion is merely a part of the amazing time we spend together. While I’m always his submissive, and will always give him the Dom respect he deserves, of course we enjoy all those other things I’ve talked about. The real life issues, worries, fears and fun times are just as vital. Absolute PowerThe great thing is that after gulping a few times, asking a lot of really good questions, his friend was okay with what he’d learned. D/s, bondage whips etc. certainly isn’t for him, but he won’t judge or condemn John Patrick or me. Granted, I think when his friend finally meets me he’s going to look at me in an ENTIRELY different manner than perhaps he would should I be just your regular vanilla laced girl.

I say that with tongue in cheek because no one wears a sign that says “hi, I’m a card carrying Dom”. Granted, a collar makes a statement and there is jewelry indicating ownership, but almost no one is going to pick up on the fact my beautiful silver choker is my day collar. Would you? Let’s talk pain = abuse one last time. I think the most difficult aspect of the lifestyle is that people can’t understand in the LEAST why someone would want to inflict pain on a woman (a man too) and why any woman would allow such horrific abuse.

Keep in mind there are indeed abusive D/s relationships just like there are in the vanilla world. There are Dom’s who hide their abusiveness behind a cloak of being her Master while he beats her bloody every day. Right. He’s just a thug who needs to be taken down hard and fast. There are plenty of sadists out there who honestly, go way beyond the scope of anything I think any human should allow – but that’s just my opinion. In the realm of sadist/pain monger – this is still a choice both parties made. Yes, there are women who get off totally on the kinds of pain that scare even me – and I don’t scare very easily as of late.

John Patrick isn’t a sadist, but he does enjoy inflicting methods of pain and given his knowledge of implements and ways to inflict said pain has increased, so has his desire to take both of our limits further. I enjoy our playtime and keep in mine play is different than discipline. If I’m being punished for an infraction with his belt, we talk about exactly why and how many lashes I’m going to receive. When the spanking is over, the belt is slipped back through the loops and the incident is over. He hugs and holds me as I calm down, telling me how much he loves me. Then we might go onto making dinner, opening a bottle of wine and listening to music.

Playtime is something else entirely. He might bind me in one of various ways, use the flogger or the quirt, slapping every inch of my body including some very sensitive areas. He enjoys pulling out the nipple clamps, other clamps as well. He’s learning about the violet want and yes, he wants to build spanking benches and learn how to work with leather. When he strikes me with the quirt during this time, he is pushing both of our boundaries. He’s taking both of our desires and needs to such a heightened level the adrenaline kicks in. We’re left after sharing a I am dominantsession like this with a feeling of intense euphoria as well as tremendous closeness. The feeling of love and unbridled passion is off the chain.

HOWEVER – nether one of us want or could tolerate this all the time. My body or mind can’t take playtime every day and he knows when to stop. He’s learned about my body, what I can and can’t take, and while he pushes more every, he stops when it’s necessary. And you all know this involves significant trust on both sides. We didn’t start out using ropes and chain, whips and floggers. DUH. We started out talking, sharing ideas and thoughts. That grew to him embracing the Dom role and me the submissive, and baby steps were taken – as they should be in any relationship, vanilla or D/s. We accepted our roles, talked through the concepts and moved on together into this journey. Not one time have I been forced into anything. Not one time has he pushed me when I said I can’t take it. Not one time has he hit me as you’ve heard about men hitting women. NOT ONCE. Get it?

BDSM does not equal abuse. D/s or M/s does not mean sex is forced. For a brief second, given a recent comment made to John Patrick, he questioned me whether I thought his needs were odd. Maybe to those who don’t/can’t/won’t learn and try and understand, yes. But to those of us who get it, who at least hear what the lifestyle is all about but not for them, no. If I can convey anything at all about our journey is that the beauty of sharing, the understanding we can finally be the people we always were but hid behind a thick mask, and the amazing very deep connection we have, then I’ve done my job as an author and as a woman. What John Patrick and I share together is unlike anything I’ve ever had before. ANYTHING. He is one amazing man who showers me with love and attention, giving me all of him as a person, a man and as my Dom. Quite frankly I do feel like the luckiest woman alive. Powerful stuff. Don’t you think?

Does D/s = abuse? I think I’m once and for all answered the question, don’t you?

Kisses and spanks…

Cassandre

About Cassandre Dayne

Cassandre Dayne is the pseudo for the best selling author of romantic suspense and thrillers
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