The words couldn’t be any more true. You know I’ve recently been challenged with so many obstacles in my life both personally and professionally. We all go through trials and tribulations during various periods in our lives. Some weeks/months/years are better than others. There are so many factors as to why but when people are involved, there’s a hell of a lot of room for strife. I was telling John Patrick recently that there are twists and turns. He agreed and with those various changes often comes a roller coaster of emotion for both men and women.
One thing John Patrick hates is drama – with a freaking passion. I admit, being that I’m extremely passionate about my likes as well as my dislikes, I often worry he’ll see me as far too emotional, perhaps clingy at times. I think that’s a product of the limited time we’ve been together and will change as we grow even closer. I am emotional because of this particular point in my life – perhaps more than normal. But then again I am a woman. Yes, we seem to have a lack of patience, need to know things right away. I don’t apologize for that. A wise person once said – in the absence of information people make up shit. Yep. And I was reminded a little too close to home about this just recently. So today I’m in a fairly emotional state, a bit reticent of some decisions I’ve made.
I fully embrace that given more than one aspect of my life is in an upheaval that I’m feeling the effects of stress, lack of sleep, no food and too much alcohol – all in an effort to try and rationalize what’s going on. Not a good place to be in. I’m trying to be very supportive to John Patrick as he goes through what could end up being a life changing event and it’s pretty much put both of us in a cluster fuck of strong emotions. What I learned about him a long time ago is that he does have a very dark side, one prone to going into a bit of depression. I’ve been lucky enough to be able to ‘talk him down’ and bring what he’s called an intelligent perspective in a calming way. He values my voice and we can talk about absolutely anything, so together we’ve gone through ups and downs in a fairly even keel.
These past few days I’ve failed to do that. I won’t go into details but suffice to say, I’m feeling very much on the edge and having difficulty understanding what he hasn’t turned to me, instead turning away. It’s a very clear – in the lack of information brings… He’s asked for patience as he tries to sort through his mental state in order to be able to think and I’m a nurturer. I need to help him. I long to be by his side, soothing him and giving him comfort. But I can’t. He simply won’t allow me in.
I was thinking today as his submissive that I need to honor his wishes and respect his need for alone time. Okay. I get it. He’s processing and needs time. I do understand. Women tend to rage against the machine, crying or screaming depending on the situation. Men internalize often. I simply am having difficulty with the difference in a few days. But… I’m trying to honor his wishes without going down a nasty rabbit hole from hell.
Why did I title the blog this way? Because trust is the most vital aspect of being in a D/s relationship. We have to be able to trust implicitly in order to give each other our heart and soul. If you’ve read my blogs before, you realize I’ve said this many times over. This hit home to me this past couple of days. I trust him implicitly and know he wants the best for me and for us, but the challenges of not knowing what is going on is proving to be trying at best, debilitating at worst.
I don’t think he understands that suffering in silence for a woman is just about the worst thing that can happen. Men may be the hunters and gatherers, remaining brave and stoic, but of course we know they are just as much if not more emotional than we are. They sometimes just have no real way of understanding what to do. Women wear their heart on their sleeves and as bitchy and commanding as I can be, I’m the romantic softie behind my assertive/aggressive behavior. John Patrick has seen every side of me, knows every fear and every trepidation, and I know his. We connect on a higher plane than so many couples do. And yet I can’t seem to help him. As a matter of fact he refuses to talk to me. In the entire months we’ve been together we haven’t missed a single day texting or talking or spending time together. NOT ONE. Hundreds of texts a day. I crave hearing his voice, as he seems to mine, and nothing for days. The vacuum is overwhelming. Today I believe will be the very first day there will be zero interaction. Yes, as you can tell from my writing I’m hurting very much.
This is where respect can be challenging. I have to leave the house later and one of his few requirements is that I tell him when I leave and when I return. I feel very odd today doing this because I’m wondering if he’ll be bothered by the text message. Isn’t this silly? What I realized is that no matter what either he or I are going through either together or apart, he is still my Dom and I’m his submissive. You can’t just turn this off because times are tough. You can’t let go of the implied contract you had together and conveniently forget you are tethered in a different fashion than those in other types of relationships. Not telling him would not only be disobedient on my part but disrespectful as well.
And so I’ll tell him. I don’t like being in flux at all and given the thousands of conversations he and I have had, my sadness is all encompassing. He’s a strong man and I know he’ll get through this, but this period of time is utterly suffocating. In talking with friends – who were the ones to talk me down from the rafters this time – they reminded me how emotional he is and how strong we are as a couple. Everyone who’s been around us can see the love in every action, every touch and word. We tend to light up a room and not just because we’re both so tall! I say that in gest but the reality is, we are electric around each other.
And so I wait – not patiently by any means. My nerves are raw, my thoughts in a very dark place, but I will be here for him – if only he’ll reach out. Remember that communication is the key to any relationship, especially in tough times. If you can take anything away from this rambling blog, it’s make certain you talk to each other all the time – especially in difficult times. I think he might be worried I’ll be disappointed in him, perhaps upset at something. I won’t. Few things could make this happen, but I would prefer knowing. Wouldn’t you? We shall see what time brings. Love is hard, devotion sometimes pushed to the extreme and along with being the submissive – well, you can imagine… Today, I am having difficulty.
Kisses and spanks…